I wrote about Bret Stephen’s recent State of World Jewry speech at length. One part of his speech that I did not discuss in that post was when he said,
The Jew haters have a certain point because Judaism and Jewish values and Jewish habits of mind are indeed in many ways subversive to many social orders.
We are most successful when we are holding to our values, ethics, and morals, not those of the dominant society. Ever since the Romans took control of Israel, we have been under the control of dominant societies. It wasn’t until 1948 and the creation of the modern State of Israel, that we were the dominant culture anywhere in the world. For more than 2,000 years we survived because we lived within the dominant society but refused to give up who we are, what we believe, our morals and our ethics. Stephens was very clear about what this means.
The Jewish people are a counter-cultural nation. To make matters even worse, our counter-cultural convictions have generally helped us to flourish nearly everywhere we have put down roots.
What are some of those convictions? We believe there is one God, not many, not none, and therefore a common moral universe with a common moral code that applies to all people everywhere. We believe that human beings are made in the image of God and therefore that human life is inherently precious and that the lowest among us is equal in basic dignity to the highest. We believe in freedom and the quest for freedom and therefore we pose fundamental challenges to every tyrant who would deny that freedom.
We believe the Messiah has not come and therefore we are not beguiled by any self-declared redeemer. We believe in the word and in the text and therefore in literacy as a foundation for faith, not a threat to faith. We believe that questions are of equal if not greater importance than answers and therefore that curiosity, second guessing, and the quest for knowledge are social goods.
We believe in argument for the sake of heaven and therefore in disagreement that is not impudence and heterodoxy that isn’t heresy. Above all, we believe in the word no. No to the sun gods and graven images and child sacrifice.
No to pharaoh and Caesar, the inquisition and the reformation, the czar and the commissar. No to emancipation from our peoplehood by the French Revolution or to the erasure of our faith by the Russian Revolution or to the destruction of our statehood through the siren song of bi-nationalism. No to the erasure of God by reason or of moral judgment by moral relativism.
No to the seductive offer of eternal salvation at the cost of our covenant with God. I don’t mean to suggest by any of this that Jews are incapable of making our peace with our political and cultural surroundings. Obviously, we can, we have, and we do.
Powerful words and a lot to unpack. The more I read these words, the more I think about them and the impact of these beliefs, the more clarity I get. The belief in one God isn’t so controversial in today’s world. It’s not what drives Jew hatred today. However a common moral code is something has driven and continues to drive Jew hatred. People assume it means we think we are better than them. They misunderstand what ‘The Chosen People’ means. Instead of understanding that it means we chose to accept the Torah and the laws of the Torah, they think it means that we think we are better than them. Living by a moral code is not only difficult, when you choose to do so, you set yourelf apart. We value education and our signature coming of age ceremony is standing in front of the community and showing to them that we can read. It’s not a physical challenge like most coming of age ceremonies, but a statement of our values. Bnai Mitzvah is about showing the community that we have values, we understand our values, and we are accepting to live by these morals and values.
For those who don’t want to live by morals and values – dictators, bigots, power hungry individuals – the thought of a people who rejects that is a slap to their face. Everytime they see us, they see the reflection of their lack of values and morals. They can’t stand that reflection and so their hatred grows. As Stephens said, we believe people are created in the image of God which means that every human being has godly virtues and is of immense value. For those who hate ‘the other’ – be it based on age, race, gender, sexual orientation, income level, or anything else – the Jewish people are a reflection of their hatred and how they believe that all people are NOT made in the image of God. That somehow God made mistakes in creating those people who are different from them. Rather than change their beliefs, it’s easier to hate the Jews and blame us for anything they can.
As Jews we believe in freedom. Individual freedom and group freedom. We don’t try to make anybody become Jewish. In fact, if somebody asks to convert, we are supposed to tell them no three times before allowing them to begin the conversion process. This leads us to claims of exclusivity and once again, the false belief that we think we are better than anybody else. Our belief in freedom scares and intimidates the dictators and despots. There is no ‘King of the Jews’, no “Jewish Pope”. The fact that there are so many ways to be Jewish, so many different ways to interpret the teachings of the Torah scares those who rule by fear. The Gemmara is a compilation of hundreds of years of arguments about the meanings of Jewish texts. It’s Rabbis arguing with each other over centuries. As Stephens stated, we believe in argument and debate. Not just for the sake of argument and debate for the sake of heaven – for the greater good. There is no final word from any human being, it is always up for debate and discussion. I often wonder how Jewish identity would change if instead of the current supplemental religious school education, we taught our children to argue and debate. To learn in chevruta (groups) and debate with each other. We assume they aren’t capable but I’d make the argument that they are more than capable, that it’s what is missing. Challenge them, inspire them, and let them learn with and from each other. It is time for us stop following the same playbook that has gotten us to where we are – divided, uneducated, disunified, fearful, and threatened. It’s time for us to be raising a generation of proud and knowledgable Jews.
Finally, as Stephens clearly stated, Judaism has a core focus on the power of ‘No’. From the 10 commandments which clearly state many things we are prohibited from doing – murder, adultery, stealing, lying, coveting what others have, and taking God’s name in vain. 7 of the 10 are telling us what we must say no to; what behavior is not acceptable. Our Jewish norms and acceptable behavior is clear and from the beginning has been different from those of the general world. We don’t attempt to impose our beliefs on them, just on ourselves. We manage to be true to ourselves and respect the culture we live in at the same time. It isn’t us that has the problem with the differences, it’s them. We don’t demand everybody observe Shabbat. We don’t mandate the world keep kosher. We don’t demand perfection, as Jews we simply ask everybody to be the best version of themselves that they can be. There is a great midrash about Rabbi Zusha that demonstates this.
The great Reb Zusha was found agitated and upset as he lay on deathbed. His students asked, “Rebbe, why are you so sad? After all the great things you have accomplished, your place in heaven is assured!” “I’m afraid!” Zusha replied, “Because when I get to heaven, God won’t ask me ‘Why weren’t you more like Moses?’ or ‘Why weren’t you more like King David?’ God will ask ‘Zusha, why weren’t you more like Zusha?’ And then what will I say!?”
Bret Stephens challenged all of us to be the best version of ourselves that we can be. We don’t need to be perfect. We don’t need to be afraid. We need to learn, to grow, to live moral lives. We have control of our own actions. Our ancestors chose to live as Jews despite hardships. For thousands of years we have had to deal with Jew hatred and have successfully weathered it because we stayed true to who we are, to what we believe and what we stand for. Neither Stephens nor I am saying everybody needs to be religious, needs to follow every commandment or be a torah scholar. Both of us are saying that we need to learn what being Jewish really means and then act upon what we learn. Be proud of who we are and what it means to be a Jew.
If you belong to a synagogue, use Bret Stephens’ State of World Jewry as a starting point for a discussion with your Rabbi or in your men’s club or sisterhood. If you don’t, bring it up with Jewish friends and start a conversation. Challenge each other. Do something different. The future of World Jewry depends on what each of us will choose to do right here, right now.
About a year ago, on a trip to Israel, Saul Blinkoff, one of our trip leaders was speaking to us. He quoted one of his Rabbis, the great Rabbi Noah Weinberg (z’l), the founder of Aish HaTorah, who taught him that “If you don’t know what you’re willing to die for, then you don’t know what you’re living for.” Powerful words and a powerful and deep thought. We spent the rest of the trip grappling with what that means in general and to each of us. It’s something that has stayed with me since then and something that I ask myself on a regular basis.
In this crazy world that we live in today, with all the Jew hatred we see around us, take a few minutes and ask yourself that question. What are you willing to die for? When you come up with the answer, make the choice to LIVE for it. Almost 30 years ago, I began a career working on behalf of the Jewish people. From Hillel to the Federation to the JCC/Federation to today, working with clients in Israel, I have spent the vast majority of my professional life. I write and speak out because so many Jews before me were willing to die so that I could live, so many are fighting right now to ensure that my children and future grandchildren will be able to live, that I must actively live.
My friend Saul, who spoke that wisdom to us in Israel last year, is also a Hollywood Filmmaker (Disney, Dreamworks, Netflix). He has a great podcast that I encourage you to subscribe and listen to. He began his career with Disney. On that trip, he gifted us all not just a prayerbook, but one where he personally drew Mickey Mouse for us. He told us the story of how when he was illustrating the Winnie the Pooh movie, he made sure to put a mezuzzah on Winnie the Pooh’s doorpost, joking that he made him “Winnie the Jew”. We all have the ability to pick the things that matter to us, the things we would die for, and live for them. I do that with my family. With my children. I’d willingly die for them so why would I not take advantage of the chance to live for them. I take advantage of the time I get to spend with them because no time is guaranteed.
I feel the same way about my values. They matter to me. They define who I am and how I live. I’m willing to die for them. If that’s the case, then I’d better live for them. That means actively making choices that align with my values, even when they aren’t popular. Even when they aren’t easy to follow. Even when there are consequences for living them actively. Especially when they are difficult to follow through with or there is risk involved in standing by them.
Saul talked about this an much more on Ben Platt’s podcast. It’s worth the 30 minutes to watch and listen, to take in what he says and ask yourself deep questions. Especially the big one. What would you die for? And if you’d die for it, why aren’t you living for it right now?
In the podcast, Saul talks about the barbecue with the families from the kibbutz and the dancing with the children on our soldiers. That was my trip. Here’s a video of us dancing with the kids. It is something I will never forget. These families were attacked on October 7th. They had to relocate to Netanya from the Gaza envelope. They left their homes and their lives behind, moving to an apartment building in a different city. Many of the husbands were not there, called up to serve in the IDF to defend Israel and the Jewish people. Yet they were living life. Robustly. I watched a sweet toddler riding his tricycle. Kids playing ping pong. And, as you see in this video, dancing on our shoulders.
They literally went through what they would die for – living in the South of Israel in the Gaza envelope. It’s clear they know what they will live for and are doing so. There is much we can learn from them.
The older I get, the more I find I can learn. The more I find I must learn. Today’s world doesn’t value learning. Look at how poor our education system is. Look at how few people actually want to take the time to learn facts – instead they’ll get their information and knowledge from a TikTok video made by somebody who knows nothing. Judaism is all about learning. What’s going on in Israel and in the United States takes effort to learn. To investigate. To question.
In this critical time, remember the words from the Mishna. “Find yourself a teacher, acquire for yourself a friend.” There many types of teachers. You can find a Rabbi or a Jewish educator. Ask the hard questions. You can find some experts who write regularly. Read what they write, listen to their podcasts. I have done both. Every week I learn from my friends Harry Rothenberg and Ari Shabat through their video blogs. You can subscribe via email to Harry’s and by whatsapp to both Harry and Ari’s. I read Michael Oren, who has both a substack and writes in the Free Press. I read John Spencer’s substack which you can subscribe for free or get a paid subscription. I am a paid subscriber to The Free Press, with it’s many articles and different points of view. I read Daniel Gordis’s Israel from the Inside, delivered to my email each morning. I get the Bernie News Network on WhatsApp, with so much information every day it is usually overwhleming. You don’t have to be like me in terms of how many teachers you choose to have. Start with one. Get a taste of what real, accurate, challenging information is like. Things that make you think, not parrot back a position somebody else tells you to take.
Keith and Harry at the Dead SeaAri Shabat teaching us in Israel
Once you start down this path, your mind and spirit will thank you.
As we begin 2025, I have found myself much more reflective than normal. For me, the end of a year is usually more future focused than reflective. I tend to look at what the upcoming year may bring and the opportunities that lie ahead rather than looking back at what happened and can’t be changed. I am not sure what is different this year but it definitely is different.
The past four years have been filled with incredible challenges and learning experiences. From dealing with the challenges and stress of Covid, especially when I was running an organization with almost 150 employees depending on me, to health challenges that at one point indicated potential major surgery, life was challenging. 2022 is the year that my dad died, a truly transformative event in my life. We were very close and there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of him and miss him. I had a major career change and recently had another health scare that thankfully turned out to not be anything serious. I’ve had friends die and seeing people my age or slightly older die has shown me the reality that there is far more time behind me than ahead of me. My oldest son has begun his career and no longer lives close by. My youngest son is graduating college in May. As I prepare for 2025, it is clear that all these things have made me more reflective than ever before.
As we approach the start of 2025, I find myself thinking about what really matters to me. What is it that I really want? What is it that I really value? Who do I want in my life? How do I want to spend my time? Who do I want to invest my most precious commodity, my time, with? I recently found old picture albums and boxes with pictures in them. As I look back at my college pictures, it doesn’t seem that long ago, yet it also seems forever ago. My 40th High School reunion is in 2025 and as I look at those pictures, it feels like yesterday while also feeling like it was lived by a different person. Perhaps it’s that stage of life, approaching 60, my youngest graduating college, watching nieces and nephews get married and have children, that is causing this.
It is actually a wonderful place to be. Challenging for sure, but also wonderful.
What does matter to me? Over the past few years I have clarified things and been much more focused. Here is my list as we start 2025.
Health. Without health we have nothing. I remember hearing this from my grandparents as a child and not appreciating it. Over the past few years, I have had some health challenges and understand it. My father had health challenges and then died in 2022. I recently had a friend die of a heart attack while he slept. I’ve seen far too many people my age or close to my age struggle with health issues and many pass away. Health matters. That means taking care of myself in ways I never would have before. It means being grateful for every day I wake up and am not struggling with a health issue. It’s being grateful for the health of my family and my friends. At the end of the day, health matters the most because no matter what else I have, if I don’t have my health, I really have nothing.
Family. I grew up being taught about the importance of family. Not just immediate family, but family by blood and by choice. In my family, I have brothers and sisters, both by blood (one of each) and by choice (2 of each). I have cousins that I am close with that are not your typical first cousins. I have aunts and uncles that are defined that way by the dictionary and those that are defined that way by their actions. I recently was talking to my aunt and uncle (who technically would be cousins) and I said to them point blank, “You are my aunt and uncle. You always have been and always will be.”. Family matters. Family shows up. Family is so much more than just blood. I got a note from my ‘brother’ on New Year’s Eve that touched my heart deeply. He talked about how our friendship that began more than 35 years ago has changed his life. I told him it changed mine as well. He has been, and always will be, my brother. His mom was my mom. His aunt and uncle were my aunt and uncle. My parents were his parents. I’m known as ‘Uncle K’ to his kids. He is Uncle Aric to mine. You can replace most things in life but you can’t replace family.
Basic needs. I grew up in the 70s and 80s. Gordon Gecko and ‘Greed is Good’. Yuppies and the desire for material things. Madonna and ‘Material Girl’. More was always better. In my life today, more is not better. I find myself wanting less. I want to make sure I have clothes, shelter, and food. While I have a nice car, it’s not something that I ‘need’ and look forwad to when I get a different one and getting one that is a ‘step down’. I find that material things are not what drives me nor do I find myself ‘wanting’ many things. I’d rather get a call and a happy birthday wish than a gift. For Hanukkah this year, being together as a family and lighting candles together was so much more than any material gift. I am actively in the process of moving from ‘wanting less’ to ‘having less’, not because of economics but because things don’t mean much any longer. As I was cleaning out my garage last weekend, I came across some old photo albums. The memories in those pictures meant more to me than any material item. My focus is on my basic needs and the rest isn’t necessary. It no longer adds much value to my life.
Values. This may seem like a strange thing to list here but it is actually one of the most important to me. Who I am, what I stand for matters. The type of person that I am, matters to me. I don’t have to be right all the time. I don’t have to ‘win’ all the time. I appreciate those who help me and I want to do what I can to help others. Not because I will ‘get’ anything from it, other than feeling good because I am doing good. It helps me understand the Jewish value of “Tikkun Olam” in a different way. By being a better person, by having and living my values, by treating people with dignity and respect, by helping others without expectation of anything in return, I get so much. I recently had a friend who has been struggling to find full time employment. We would talk over texts as she shared her frustration with the job market. I kept my eyes open for her and found a variety of opportunities for her to consider. I was there to help and support her. Eventually, I found one that worked out for her – she got a job doing what she loves, in an environment that is positive, and that pays her a salary that she feels is appropriate for her skill level and talent. The fact that she is working for another friend of mine only makes it better, as they both win. What did I get out of it? Nothing material – just feeling good that I was able to help two friends. Values and integrity are everything. They mean far more to me than a paycheck or any material good. I feel good about who I am every day when I wake up and every night when I go to sleep. That is truly priceless.
Time. This has become more important as I have gotten older. We have no control over the time we have on this earth. My cousin, who was my age and like a brother to me, died unexpectedly in 1995. His brother, who I sort of adopted as my little brother, died in 2015. My father died in 2022. My fraternity big brother died in 2013. One of my close friends and I have begun to keep track of our fraternity brothers who have died young. When our time is up, our time is up. It’s what we do with our time that matters. For many years, building my career was a top priority. It meant sacrificing time with my family, with my children, with my parents, because of the demands required to be successful. Many people behave this way. I made the decision that I no longer want that. I don’t want my time defined by work. Just this past year, I went to watch my older son coach college football games three times. I took a crazy day trip to California with my younger son to see the Giants and A’s each play home games before taking the redeye home. I took Brightline with my younger son and his girlfriend to Miami to see the Marlins play and get our SpongeBob Squarepants Marlins jerseys. My wife and I went to Red Rocks to see Carlos Santana in concert. We go to the theater for Broadway shows, we travel to watch the UFC fights, spending money to get good seats and have a memorable experience. I spend a good amount of time in Israel in 2024 with trips in May, July, and September. I meet my mom in Lakeland, halfway between us, for lunch or dinner. Time is a commodity. How we choose to use it is up to us. I spent enough time devoted to my career. While I still spend plenty of time working and on my career, I value family and time spent in meaningful ways much more than extra money, a bigger professional role, or a big title. My priorities have shifted.
Friends. Throughout my career and my life, I have made a lot of friends. What I have learned is that many people who we call friends are merely acquaintences. They are people who are there in the good times, who are there when you can give them something, and are there when it benefits them. Real friends show up during the difficult times. Real friends show up when it is inconvenient for them but you need them. Real friends don’t care what others think. Over the past few years, I have had the opportunity to learn who my real friends are. I have seen people that I thought were friends simply not show up. Not reach out. I have seen people show up and show that they are real friends who I didn’t expect would show up. I do things differently now. I make sure to check in with my friends, not matter where they live. I do it not because of what they can do for me but because I value them in my life. A few months ago, I started having lunch with a group of guys on Friday. They are all 80+ so I bring the demographic down signficantly. I love these lunches. I enjoy the company, the conversation, the things I learn from them. While some of them I have known for years, others are new friends. I do my best not to miss those lunches because I value their company. I learn from them. I can honestly say that if any of them needed something, I would be there for them. I reach out to friends that I know are struggling with things in life, just to be a voice telling them that I’m here and I care. I have learned how important active friendship is and make sure to be an active friend.
Spirituality. While I would not call myself a very religious person, I am a very spiritual person. I pray and meditate every morning and have for over 30 years. I like learning with a Rabbi (I have two that I do it with) because it helps me connect with God in different ways and helps me be a better human being. I enjoy rituals like putting on tefillin, singing Acheinu every day until the hostages are released, lighting the menorah, eating apples and honey, and cooking for holiday meals as if 40 people are showing up even when it’s just 4-6. These are things than bring me joy. My connection to God brings me joy. My Jewish identity brings me joy. These things actually make my life both simpler and fuller. I have found that nothing in life happens by accident. There is a divine force behind it all – I may not see or appreciate it for a while, but it is there. I am who I am today because of my life experiences. The ones that I loved and the ones that I would not have chosen. I know that God always takes care of me in the long run, even if the short run is uncomfortable and not what I would have chosen on my own. It is why I say thank you every morning for whatever the day may bring me. If it was up to me, I would always choose the easier option. This would inhibit my growth as a human being. This would limit me. Instead, I get the gift of opportunity to grow and experience life. I’ll take that every time. I love my spirituality and spiritual connection. It brings me great joy and meaning. It is a path I encourage everybody to follow, wherever it may take them. Each of our paths are different and I hope you follow yours. I’m going to keep following mine.
One of my favorite books by my spiritual advisor for the past 27 years
Speaking of friends, one of mine recently turned 24 (as you can tell, I have friends in their 20s and in their 80s, I’m an equal opportunity friend when it comes to age). For her 24th birthday, she listed 24 life lessons she has learned. It is an impressive list and one I look at very differently now than I would have at 24. It’s amazing how life experiences change the way we see the same exact things. Here is her list:
1. Life means nothing without the people you love around you 2. Chase your dreams everyday – life is not to be lived waiting around 3. Purpose mixed with passion will take you places in life 4. It’s okay to f*** up – we all do – that’s how you learn 5. Not everything is for everyone, and that’s okay 6. Workout before making a big or impulsive decision – you will always have a different perspective after 7. If you don’t ask, you’ll never get 8. Be comfortable being uncomfortable – that’s where growth happens 9. Everyone has their own way of doing things, there is no 1 way to do it, find your way to make it work 10. Learn something from everyone you speak too – advice is not always meant to tell you what to do, sometimes it’s to show you what not to do 11. Two things can be true at the same time…. 12. Happiness comes from doing things that you joy 13. Dare to be wrong in life, it’s always a lesson and a good story 14. If something won’t matter in 5 hours, 5 days or even 5 years – everything will be alright 15. You create memories everyday, make them memories with people you love 16. Being comfortable with yourself is the biggest gift you can give yourself 17. Ask questions always – don’t be afraid to feel stupid 18. People want to be around people doing good things for this world and making a difference 19. Life is not about you – it’s about the people you touch 20. You never know how something may affect someone else, good or bad 21. Do the difficult thing. Say the hard thing… whats the worst that can happen? 22. You don’t owe anyone your time or energy – it’s precious, hold on to it tight 23. Growth is a process – be patient with yourself – it doesn’t happen over night 24. Appreciate the moment because you will look back at the ‘good ole times’ and miss being here
As we move into 2025, I encourage you to take a look at your life. Ask yourself what really matters to you. Then act on what matters to you. Society tells us all sorts of things are ‘supposed’ to matter. The reality is that the only things that matter are those you decide are important to you. Take ownership and take action. Nobody is responsible for your life and your choices other than you.
I write a lot about leadership and the challenges we face with our leaders. World Leaders. United States Leaders. Jewish communal leaders. It isn’t limited to one specific area. It’s about a lack of leadership in general. I often wonder what happened and where we went wrong. The days of leaders leading is long gone – now it is about what the followers want. It reminds me of the Henry Ford quote:
Leadership is a word used often but rarely seen. We call people our ‘leaders’ because of their position, either professional or volunteer. Because of their titles. Because of their income or philanthropic giving. None of that makes them leaders. And that certainly does not make them good leaders, talented leaders, or effective leaders. They often cause more harm than good as a result.
Leadership is something that requires learning. Many people are born with the charisma to lead but if they don’t have the education about effective leadership, they merely lead people in the wrong direction. As Steve Jobs famously said, and as Apple famously marketed, you must “Think Different.”
Leaders lead. It sounds like a silly thing to say but far too many leaders simply follow. They follow group think and don’t think differently. They give people what they say they want rather than what they need. The group they lead ends up with faster horses, not cars.
We saw this when Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu came to address the US Congress. Here is the list of who chose not to attend the speech. Instead of showing leadership, they showed cowardice. Instead of showing up to hear what one of the elected leader of one of our staunch allies had to say, they chose to make a political statement by not showing up. In fairness, VP Harris and Sen Vance had prior commitments, they did not officially boycott the speach, but the choice to prioritize their prior commitments over this critical address showed a lack of leadership. All those who chose not to show up or to boycott, sent a message to Iran, Hamas, and Hezbollah, to continue their attacks and to continue their terrorism. Their actions make the world a less safe place.
Vice President Kamala Harris (D)
Senate:
Sen. Patty Murray (D-WA)
Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-MA)
Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-VT)
Sen. Chris Van Hollen (D-MD)
Sen. Brian Schatz (D-HI)
Sen. Jeff Merkley (D-OR)
Sen. Dick Durbin (D-IL)
Sen. Tim Kaine (D-VA)
Sen. Peter Welch (D-VT)
Sen. J.D Vance (R-OH)
House of Representatives:
Speaker Emerita Nancy Pelosi (D-CA)
Rep. Don Beyer (D-VA)
Rep. Greg Casar (D-TX)
Rep. Jim Clyburn (D-SC)
Rep. Lloyd Doggett (D-TX)
Rep. Pramila Jayapal (D-WA)
Rep. Hank Johnson (D-GA)
Rep. Stephen Lynch (D-MA)
Rep. Jan Schakowsky (D-IL)
Rep. Nydia Velázquez (D-NY)
Rep. Mark Takano (D-CA)
Rep. Maxwell Frost (D-FL)
Rep. Jared Huffman (D-CA)
Rep. Jim McGovern (D-MA)
Rep. Jamaal Bowman (D-NY)
Rep. Delia Ramirez (D-IL)
Rep. Ayanna Pressley (D-MA)
Rep. Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY)
Rep. Ilhan Omar (D-MN)
Rep. Betty McCollum (D-MN)
Rep. Rosa DeLauro (D-CT)
Rep. Jamie Raskin (D-MD)
Rep. Ro Khanna (D-CA)
Rep. Sara Jacobs (D-CA)
Rep. Bonnie Watson Coleman (D-NJ)
Rep. Cori Bush (D-MO)
Rep. Ami Bera (D-CA)
Rep. Steve Cohen (D-TN)
Rep. Becca Balint (D-VT)
Rep. Mark Pocan (D-WI)
Rep. Melanie Stansbury (D-NM)
Rep. Teresa Leger Fernández (D-NM)
Rep. Paul Tonko (D-NY)
Rep. Judy Chu (D-CA)
Rep. Thomas Massie (R-KY)
Rep. Veronica Escobar (D-TX)
Rep. Robert Garcia (D-CA)
Rep. Joaquin Castro (D-TX)
We live in a time when leadership appears to be missing on so many levels. We see it at the top. We see it in congress. We see it as the Supreme Court code of ethics is an issue. We see it in our state governments and we see it in our Jewish communities. Being a leader is going where we need to go, not where the people want to go. Being a leader is taking a principled stand and leading the people there. Following the guidance of the people isn’t being a leader. It’s being a sheep. Leading is being willing to take the risk and get that ‘first follower’, another leader, which attracts others. Our leaders today are not willing to take that risk. They don’t believe they will have that first follower that will start a movement. They prefer safety to leadership and risk.
We see that regularly among our leaders when it comes to Israel. Too many of our Jewish leaders stay silent. They don’t want to take a position out of fear that people will be upset and they will have to defend their position. They are worried they will lose their donors, lose their job, lose status. They don’t lead from vision, passion, and belief. They lead from fear.
We see that with our elected officials. They try to take both sides of an issue, saying nothing, standing for nothing, and trying to be liked by all instead of being a leader for all. The amount of lies that continue to be told about the war in Gaza is staggering.
The death toll. The UN has come out publicly with a report reducing the number of women and children who have been killed. The overstated number is what is continually used, even by VP Kamala Harris this week.
The famine is because Israel won’t allow the food in. Another UN report has documented that plenty of food is coming into Gaza. More calories per person per day than is required to be sent in. The food doesn’t get to the people because UNRWA and Hamas divert it. The commonly heard complaint from people in Gaza is that the food is too expensive. This is humanitarian aid, coming at no cost. It’s only too expensive because it is being stolen and diverted to be sold or used by Hamas.
Israel is bombing schools, hospitals, medical clinics and mosques. Hamas is using these sites as military bases and storing and firing weapons from them. Hamas has committed and is committing war crimes by doing this. Hamas places the entrance to their terror tunnels either inside these buildings or next to them. They are actually FORMER schools, hospitals, medical clinics and mosques after Hamas turns them into military bases.
Israel is targeting civiians, commiting genocide. There are two parts to this lie.
First, Israel notifies civilians IN ADVANCEof bombings so they can leave. They do this with flyers dropped from airplances, text (SMS) messages and phone calls. They warn civilians because they do not want to harm them. In fact, the person who fires the weapons can call off the attack if they think it’s too dangerous to civilians, even if it has been approproved by the highest in command!
Second, based on the death toll reported by Hamas/Gazan Health Ministry/UN, there have been a total of approximately 38,000 people in Gaza. While this number includes approximately 19,000 Hamas terrorists along with those who died of natural causes, they don’t break it out at all. Since the start of the war, the UN has documented 50,000 new births in Gaza. This means that the population of Gaza has INCREASED per Hamas/Gazan Health Ministry/UN since the start of the war. That fact alone makes it clearly not a genocide.
Israel is targeting UN Aid workers. It has been proven that these ‘UN Aid workers’, employees of UNRWA, not only participated in the attack on October 7, they remain currently involved with Hamas. They are and have housed hostages. They are giving the food to Hamas. They are using their houses and buildings to store Hamas weapons and let them be used as Hamas headquarters. Tunnel openings are just outside or inside these facilities. These are not humanitarian workers. They are terrorists. These are not relief buildings, these are military installations.
Israel is stopping a ceasefire. Israel has offered many ceasefire options. It is Hamas that rejects every ceasefire offering. It is Hamas that uses the fact that our leaders in the US and around the world spread these lies to delay and attempt to stay in power. For there to be a ceasefire, Israel has said the agreement must include the following:
All the hostages released. Those who are no longer alive must have their bodies returned.
Hamas must surrender and the new government must be demilitarized and cannot include Hamas
Israel must maintain military control to ensure terrorists cannot take over and that there can never be another attack like on October 7.
Israel is not providing vaccines to to the people of Gaza. Israel has documented that they have provided vaccines for over 2 MILLION PEOPLE IN GAZA since the start of the war. It is up to UNRWA to actually take the vaccines provided and give them to the people. It is UNRWA that is not doing this. It is UNRWA, working with Hamas, who keep the people of Gaza in chains.
Since 1967, the same attempt has been made by our leaders to create peace. Pressure Israel. Make Israel give up safety and security for peace. It has never worked. What has worked is when the Arab leaders saw it was in their best interests to make peace with Israel. Anwar Sadat, after the 1973 Yom Kippur War, realized it was in the best interests of Egypt to make peace with Israel. As a result, in September 1978, the Camp David Accords were signed, resulting in a lasting peace with Egypt. In 1987, King Hussein of Jordan realized it would be in Jordan’s best interests to have peace with Israel. It took while but in October 1994, the Wadi Araba Treaty was signed by Jordan and Israel, creating peace. In 2016, a number of Arab countries realized it would be in their best interests, both economic and security wise, to have peace with Israel. This resulted in the 2020 creation of the Abraham Accords in which the United Arab Emirates and Bahrain normalized relations with Israel. Since then Sudan and Morocco have joined the agreement and normalized relations with Israel. Prior to October 7, both Saudi Arabia and Indonesia were preparing to normalize relations with Israel.
Our leaders are not leading. They are continuing failed policy because the sound bites are good. Because it doesn’t get people upset. It doesn’t pose any risk to our leaders to take these failed positions. We saw with Presidents Jimmy Carter, Bill Clinton, and Donald Trump that these agreements are possible but only when you don’t follow the tired script that has failed for 55 years.
The war in Gaza will end. The attacks from Hezbollah and the Houthi’s will end. The real question is what are our leaders going to do about Iran, a true threat to the world. What are they going to do with Russia and China? These three countries have joined together to create a new Axis of Evil. Since the discussion of JCPOA under President Obama, we have heard from our leaders that Iran will not be permitted to have nuclear weapons, yet we heard last week from US Secretary of State Tony Blinken that Iran is only 2 weeks away from a breakout to have a nuclear weapon. Our leaders continue to fail us. Our leaders continue to fail the world.
How long are we going to tolerate this from our leaders throughout society? From our national, state, loca and Jewish leaders? How long are we going to continue to elect and support failed leadership that continues to follow failed policies? How long are we going to tolerate the lies being told to us, especially when we know we are being lied to? When are we going to stand up and demand our leaders show real leadership and do what is necessary not what is politically or socially expedient. When will we demand that they take a stand and stick to it rather than play the middle and try to say just enough that everybody doesn’t get outraged at their lack of a position? Our leaders have and continue to fail us but just as importantly, we continue to fail them. We continue to pick ‘the lesser of two evils’. We continue to allow money to decide who is nominated and who leads. We continue to enable them and their failure.
As long as we are willing to accept the status quo, nothing will change. As long as we fail to demand more from our leaders, they will give us less. The responsiblity lies with us. What are you going to do? Are you going to remain a lemming and blame others? Are you going to continue to accept the lack of leadership? Are you going to choose not to get involved with Jewish life or with our elections? Or are you going to stand up and demand more? Demand better.
The United States was founded on demanding more and demanding better. We have never been perfect but for a long time we worked to be better. In a January 1787 letter from Thomas Jefferson to James Monroe, Jefferson wrote:
“I hold it that a little rebellion now and then is a good thing, and as necessary in the political world as storms in the physical. Unsuccesful rebellions indeed generally establish the incroachments on the rights of the people which have produced them.”
We often cite our founding fathers. Are we going to listen to Jefferson? Or are we going to sit back and allow failed approaches and failed leadership throughout all aspects of our community? The choice is ours. Don’t ever forget the classic lyrics from the rock band Rush:
This week is another Tim McGraw song. This one, “Humble and Kind”, is from 2016, once again highlighting how far behind I am in discovering country music legends. I chose this for many reasons, as you will see below. If you want to watch the video, I have included it.
The lyrics begin:
You know there’s a light that glows by the front door Don’t forget the key’s under the mat When childhood stars shine Always stay humble and kind
Growing up, the key was always under the mat. At my house or at my friends’ homes. Everybody knew it, nobody took advantage. It was a different time. More than just having a key under the mat, the door was always open if you needed a place to go. Many times, I had friends who needed to get out of their house and a safe place to hang out and sleep over. My house was that place. My parents would often joke that they didn’t know who was staying for dinner or who was gonna be there for breakfast. They cared only to the extent that they wanted our house to always be a safe place for our friends.
It was a great lesson growing up. Treat everybody the same. It doesn’t matter what their home life is like, how much money they have, what type of prestige their family may or may not have. People are people, friends are friends. It was one of my first lessons in kindness and has left a deep impact on me and my siblings. It was also a lesson in humility, one that I didn’t really understand until much later in life. My parents didn’t do this for recognition. It wasn’t something that was publicized amongst their peers in the neighborhood. It was private. It was personal. It was about taking care of the kids, our friends, and making sure they had what they needed. It was truly them being humble and kind. It is why my childhood friends all have such strong respect and love for my parents to this day.
Go to church ’cause your mamma says to Visit grandpa every chance that you can It won’t be wasted time Always stay humble and kind
This verse highlights three very important things. First, listen to your parents. When I reached my teens, all of a sudden I was brilliant and knew everything. My parents knew nothing. Listening to their guidance became optional for me and they had to force me to listen with threats of being grounded, losing access to a car, money, or the ability to go and do the things I wanted to do. So, in this little, throw-away addition to the first line, the lesson is provided. Listen to your parents. They may seem old, boring, and not up to date with what’s happening in the world today. And they may be. But they also have the wisdom of life’s experiences and can help you avoid many pitfalls. I often ask myself what my parents would say to me and when I am not sure, I call my mom for her guidance. I always wish I could still call my dad.
Charles Barkely, one of my favorite commentators on life, puts his own spin on this
The second lesson is the importance of spirituality in our lives. It doesn’t matter if you prefer church, synagogue, the mosque, temple, nature, the beach, or anything else. Finding spirituality in your life provides a grounding base for life. Life is filled with ups and downs, risks, and consequences. Having that spiritual base provides comfort. It opens the door to supportive relationships with others on that spiritual journey. As we go on the journey of life, having a spiritual base anchors us, and provides us stability. So, listen to your mamma, go to church (or synagogue or the mosque or the temple or experience nature or the beach), and build a spiritual base. As you get older you can pick your own spiritual journey if the one you started on with your family doesn’t resonate.
Finally, visit grandpa. It’s not just grandpa. It is grandma, aunts, uncles, cousins, and all your relatives. The time spent with family isn’t wasted time. As I think of my childhood, growing up spending significant time with all four of my grandparents, my great grandmother Rose, my aunts and uncles, and my cousins, I am so grateful for it. I think of going with my grandpa Si to visit his father, my ‘Poppy’. Poppy was already in his 90s when I remember him. He didn’t move well, he didn’t speak much. We would go over to see him, for my grandpa to give him a shave, and for me to sit on his lap as his great grandson. I remember the day he died and how sad I was to not be able to see him any longer. I was only six years old and when I talk about him with my brother, who is three years younger than me, he doesn’t even remember visiting him.
With my Grandpa Si. I have great pictures and memories with all my grandparents.
I think of the many lessons all of my grandparents taught me. Their love, guidance and support is something that I treasure. I watched my parents with my children emulate them. I watched the way my in-laws interact as their parents did with my wife and her sisters. It becomes a generational connection with the lessons of family, love, respect, honor, humility, and kindness being transmitted from one generation to another. I look forward to the day when I become a grandfather and have that opportunity to fulfill that role. I know that my great-grandparents, my grandparents, and my parents will be on my shoulders guiding me, helping to ensure that my grandchildren are also humble and kind people as they grow up and enter the world.
My sister called me today to talk about our Grandma Esther, who died more than 25 years ago. That’s a true legacy.
Hold the door, say “please”, say “thank you” Don’t steal, don’t cheat, and don’t lie I know you got mountains to climb But always stay humble and kind
My Grandma Ev and my mom, her daughter, were always on us about manners. Holding the door. Saying please and thank you. Writing thank you notes. Helping to clean up after meals. If we ever referred to my mom as ‘she’, we were told that is the cat (we never had a cat) and were to use proper names. I can still hear them saying, “What’s the magic word?” (the answer is please), I remember in middle school when we took home economics, the issue of manners was an easy one for me because it was drilled into me at home. It’s something that I have endeavored to do with my children as well. It doesn’t take much to have manners, just some effort.
Grandpa Len, Grandma Ev, Grandma Esther and Grandpa Si. That’s me with the big grin. I’m so lucky to have had the relationship with them that I did.
The other lesson this part of the song highlights for me is to have morals and ethics. My grandparents would emphasize this all the time. Who you are when nobody is looking is who you are. What you do when nobody sees is what shows your morals, values, and ethics. If you want to be a good person, then you do it all the time, not just when people are watching. The future is unlimited, and we were taught not to take shortcuts to get there. No stealing, cheating, or lying. We learned early on that we got in much more trouble for lying than telling the truth. I remember getting caught cheating on a test in high school and getting in much more trouble for that than failing the exam and getting a bad grade that marking period. As kids, when we would take something from a store without paying, we were made to not just return it but to apologize to the store owner. Raising my children, I have done the same thing and shared the same messages. I’m proud of the people my sons are. How they live their lives and live their values. And I know my grandparents are looking down and smiling, knowing it was their influence.
We have bright and exciting futures ahead of us, no matter where we are in life. It’s important to remember that throughout the journey we must remain humble and kind.
When the dreams you’re dreamin’ come to you When the work you put in is realized Let yourself feel the pride But always stay humble and kind
As I just wrote, we have bright and exciting futures. In the words of Theodore Herzl, “If you will it, it is no dream.” So, the dreams we have require work to realize. My grandparents and parents always taught me that. The effort was more important than the results since the only thing we can control is our own effort. When I got an A but didn’t study, it didn’t impress my parents. If I worked really hard and ended up with a B, they were incredibly proud. The same was true in sports. Working hard to improve was more important than being the star. It’s the work you put in that means everything. It also may result in achieving your dreams.
The full Theodore Herzl Quote
I remember my first semester in grad school, I got 2 A’s and 2 B’s. My advisor called me to his office and told me that serious graduate students didn’t get B’s. I took that to heart and for the rest of that degree, I worked harder and got all A’s. It was the effort that mattered.
This lyric reminds us of that. We can be proud of our results. Graduating high school, college, graduate school, law school, medical school, or building a successful business are all wonderful achievements. The important part is the work we put in. So go ahead and feel the pride of the accomplishment but more importantly, recognize the effort that went into achieving the goal. That’s what really matters. So don’t be full our ourselves for the accomplishment. Instead, be humble and kind, because it’s the effort that really matters, not the accomplishment. Celebrate the effort, appreciate the gift of the accomplishment.
Don’t expect a free ride from no one Don’t hold a grudge or a chip and here’s why Bitterness keeps you from flyin’ Always stay humble and kind
I love how these lyrics build off each other. Just as I finish writing about how it’s the effort that matters, not the outcome, the song emphasizes this with stating there is no free ride. Nobody gives you anything, it’s all earned. So if you are going to have to earn what you get, don’t hold grudges or live with a chip on your shoulder. Living with bitterness only diminishes ourselves. It doesn’t hurt the other person. It’s like being angry at somebody and punching yourself in the face. They don’t feel a thing, but we sure do.
If our goal in life is to enjoy every minute, why would we want to limit ourself because of other people? Why would we want to let other people rent space in our heads without paying for it? That’s why the song reminds us to stay humble and kind. By doing that, we aren’t letting somebody else control our lives. We aren’t giving our power away to somebody we don’t even like. It’s an important life lesson for happiness. Often we think that our ego will make us feel good when in reality, it’s being humble and kind, focusing on our own part and not worrying about other people’s behavior.
Know the difference between sleeping with someone And sleeping with someone you love “I love you” ain’t no pick-up line So always stay humble and kind
‘”I love you” ain’t no pick-up line’ is such a powerful statement. In today’s world, love becomes a word that is thrown around too often and recklessly. It was the key word to use when you were trying to sleep with somebody. Telling them you loved them was the key statement. If you were able to throw that out there, sex was the likely outcome. But then you were stuck with the impact of your words.
It reminds me of one of my favorite songs, Paradise by the Dashboard Light by Meatloaf.
How often do I get to use a song as I analyze the lyrics of another song? In Paradise, the end of the song is the perfect example of this.
I couldn’t take it any longer Lord I was crazed And when the feeling came upon me Like a tidal wave I started swearing to my god and on my mother’s grave That I would love you to the end of time I swore that I would love you to the end of time! So now I’m praying for the end of time To hurry up and arrive ‘Cause if I gotta spend another minute with you I don’t think that I can really survive I’ll never break my promise or forget my vow But God only knows what I can do right now I’m praying for the end of time It’s all that I can do Praying for the end of time, So I can end my time with you!
The risk of throwing the phrase ‘I love you’ out there recklessly is that if you have morals and ethics, you get stuck. Meatloaf said it to get what he wanted and now is ‘praying for the end of time.” Our desires to sleep with someone instead of sleeping with someone you love can be compared to many of our choices where we go against our morals, ethics, and values. When we stick to them, when we remain humble and kind, we don’t have to worry about praying for the end of time. Kindness and humility doesn’t just help others, it helps us.
When it’s hot, eat a root beer popsicle Shut off the AC and roll the windows down Let that summer sun shine Always stay humble and kind
As the song begins to conclude, the lyrics get more general about life itself Appreciate what we have when we have it. When its hot, have something cool. Enjoy the moment. Don’t worry about what we don’t have, focus on what we have. Grab the opportunity with two hands and enjoy every moment of it.
I remember growing up and spending summers at my grandparents’ house. The ice cream (or Good Humor as my grandfather would say) man would come every day and getting that popsicle or ice cream on a hot afternoon was everything. It was simple. It was delicious. It was special. Asking for that dime (and then quarter as I got older, and prices went up) was a big deal. Running after the truck, catching it, and walking away satisfied made the entire day. It’s hard to believe today, but AC wasn’t a given back then. Fans would be moving the air, windows would be open, and we would wear shorts and t-shirts. TV was only on at night, starting with the news. That summer sun shone and we took advantage of it and enjoyed every moment.
It’s a life lesson for today. Forget about video games, screens, monitors, and staying inside. Sit outside and read a book. Go for a walk. Play outside with friends. Go for a swim. Be with other people in person. Don’t use zoom or facetime or internet and headphones with a video game. Be in person. Interact with other people. Pay attention to their nonverbal communication because you are really ‘with’ them, not just in the same place virtually.
Be humble about the toys and the technology. Be kind with your time. There is nothing like being together in person with people. Don’t ever forget that.
Don’t take for granted the love this life gives you When you get where you’re going don’t forget turn back around And help the next one in line Always stay humble and kind
The closes with an important reminder. Don’t take things for granted. Don’t expect there will always be time to say what you want to people. To get together with people. Don’t take for granted the people who love you and who go out of their way to help in any way they can.
When you reach new status in life, don’t forget the people who were there along the way. If you move to a nicer house, in a different neighborhood, don’t forget your friends who were there for you during the times you lived in your old house in your old neighborhood. If your life changes to where you are now traveling to exotic places where some of your old friends can’t go, don’t leave them behind. Make the time to be with them and enjoy every minute in the places you can both be at. The one thing we know is that life will change. Our circumstances will change and be different from our friends and loved ones. The question is will we change? Will we still talk to the people we talked to every day before things changed? Will we judge them for the difference in status or accept and love them for who they are? We may not notice our behavior, but they will. And when we need them in the future, they won’t forget that we forgot them. People are not disposable.
The final two lines focus on three things, two of which we have repeatedly discussed and will close with. Humble and Kind. The other is helping others. It often takes very little to help somebody else. Holding a door, sharing an umbrella, giving somebody a ride, letting them use your phone. So many little things happen every single day where we have the opportunity to lighten up somebody else’s day with a little kindness and humility. The three go together to make the type of world we all want to live in. Don’t shirk your responsibility. Remember to help. Remember to be humble. And remember to be kind.
It’s Sunday so it’s back to music that inspires me. Before this week’s blog, written just before I left for a concert by Sting and Billy Joel, I want to comment on the concert.
Both are amazing musicians and performers. Both are in their early 70s and put on an incredible show. Both brought me back to the late 1970s and early 1980s with their music, as vibrant today as it was when released. That’s the power of music. I sat with my 21 year old son Matthew, his 21 year old girlfriend Carla, and my wife, as we all enjoyed the show. Matthew was amazed when Sting performed one of his songs that was recently sampled by a current artist. Carla was in shock when I explained to her that Scenes from an Italian Restaurant was actually 3 unfinished songs that Billy Joel creatively crafted into an all time classic. We sang, we danced, and we enjoyed the music and the performance. My favorite was Billy Joel imitating Mick Jagger as he sang Start Me Up and did his interpretation of Mick’s dancing. I may write about this concert and what it meant to me later, but it felt wrong not to mention it in a post about music a few hours after experiencing such a powerful few hours of music.
Now onto the song I wanted to discuss.
Luke Combs got a lot of attention at the Grammy’s with his duet with Tracy Chapman. If somehow you haven’t seen it, watch it. If you have seen it, watch it again. There is so much that is truly remarkable about it. You could see how in awe of her he was and how honored he was to have the chance to sing with her. It’s a song written by a queer woman of color in the 1980s that was a big hit then and covered by a white country star in 2023 who didn’t change the pronouns and had no problem singing it as written. And the lyrics speak about the challenges of the American dream in the 1980s that is perhaps even more relevant today. There is a lesson for us all there that could be an entire different blog post.
I saw Tracy Chapman in concert when I was in college, and it was an amazing show. She is an amazing artist. And so is Luke Combs. I’ve always been a fan of hers and have become a big fan of his and have many of his songs that I love. Today I want to talk about his song, “Does to me.“
Released in 2019, it makes me feel better that I am only 5 years behind the music curve. Like a number of amazing songs, Eric Church is also featured. The lyrics read:
I was a third-string dreamer on a second-place team But I was hell on wheels with a full head of steam When coach put me in And I’m still proud of that hit
To start a song with true self-awareness is an amazing choice. Most of us like to brag about the size of the fish that we almost caught. Or we talk about the star player we played with or against. The superstar we met or saw nearby to us. The hole in one we almost made, the local tennis tournament we won or almost won. We glory in greatness or close to greatness. Yet here is Luke Combs talking about being a third string player who wasn’t very good on a team that wasn’t very good. It’s about as far from greatness as possible. When he finally got a chance to play, he was so proud that he actually got a chance to play and did something in the game. He doesn’t get into any details of ‘that hit’, who it was against, or that anybody else thought it was something special. Just that he got into the game, played, and made a tackle. He is bragging about making one tackle. Not leading the team, not making a key or important tackle to anybody but himself.
We often judge ourselves by other people’s outsides. What looks good or important. We forget about what might really be important to us and the things we value. The songs opening stanza is a reminder that we only need judge ourselves against ourselves. He knows he isn’t a good player. He wants to be on the team and is appreciative that he got a chance to actually play. That one hit is enough for him. He doesn’t have to be Al Bundy from Married with Children constantly remembering his 4 touchdowns at Polk High School 30 years later. What makes that funny is we can all relate to that desire for greatness and adoration from the outside when what really matters is what’s inside.
I was a last resort to go to prom with the queen Thanks to an ex-boyfriend who broke her heart that week No, I didn’t get luck But I still felt like a king
Once again, Luke Combs is self-deprecating. He was the last resort for the prom queen because her boyfriend broke up with her that week AND he didn’t have a date. Think about what it’s like to acknowledge that yes, I went with the prom queen but only because the week of prom, I didn’t have a date and she suddenly became single. He’s proudly beating his chest saying I was the best choice of the bottom of the barrel of options for her.
Once again, he understands who he is and what is important to him. He got to go to the prom with the queen. That’s all that matters. How it happened is a fact but doesn’t define him. It wasn’t a romantic prom experience, but it was a prom experience that he will forever be grateful to have had. And he can always say he went to prom with the prom queen!
Many things in life are like that for all of us. If we focus on all the details of the how they happened, we miss out on the great experience. Many years ago, I took my kids to a Tampa Bay Rays baseball game. We didn’t have great tickets, but they weren’t bad ones. Yet when we walked into the ballpark, for some reason they chose us to get the Stubhub upgraded tickets. We sat behind the Orioles bullpen and my kids had fun talking to the Orioles relievers the entire game. One of them even gave my kids baseballs.
Mark Hendrickson was the pitcher on the Orioles who spent most of the game talking with my kids and gave them baseballs. He won’t ever remember them but we will always remember him.
Well more than a decade later, we still talk about the experience and laugh about the funny things they talked to the players about. We could have focused on the fact that it was the Orioles, not the Rays bullpen. We could have focused on the fact that players they interacted with were not stars. Instead Major League players (and Mark Hendrickson in particular) spent most of the game talking with them. Focusing on anything else would only diminish the experience. Something similar happened at a UFC fight we went to last year. Sedriques “The Reaper” Dumas came into the stands and they stopped him, took pictures, and spent a minute talking with him and hanging out. It was a fun moment and I only remember his name because it was unique. I’d never heard of him before but we thoroughly enjoyed the moment.
Sedriques!
Combs is telling us to enjoy the moment when they come. It doesn’t matter why or how they come. Live in the moment, appreciate the cool and fun things when they happen. Otherwise we miss the moment and they don’t come around often enough.
And that might not mean much to you But it does to me
This is point of the entire song. Our life experiences that we value don’t have to mean anything to anybody else. They only have to matter to us. As a kid, I was a huge baseball fan (I still am). I followed both college and the minor leagues. The college player of the year in 1982 was a guy named Jeff Ledbetter. He attended Florida State. He had been drafted by the Yankees (my favorite team) out of high school and that year was drafted by the Red Sox (their rival) in the first round. At my summer camp, we used to go to see the Hagerstown Suns (Orioles minor league team) play. That year they played the Red Sox minor league team and Jeff Ledbetter was on the team and playing. I was so excited to watch him play. My friends laughed at me because they’d never heard of him and I was acting as if he was a major league star. During the game, I went near the bench, found him, and engaged in a conversation. In 1982, having a fan know who you are in the minor leagues and seek you was a big deal, so he was happy to talk to me during the game. He even gave me some of his chewing tobacco which I tried (and got sick under the bleachers). I got his autograph and was beyond excited and happy for weeks. And my friends kept laughing at me. It didn’t matter to me. 41 years later, I still remember him, the conversation, and the experience because it mattered to me.
Jeff Ledbetter in 1982
We all have stories like this. It may be a college band. An author we fell in love with at some point in our life. The local sports or weather broadcaster on the news. The high school star athlete when we are in middle or elementary school. It doesn’t matter who they are in general, only in how they matter to us at that point in our lives. We treasure those moments because they mark a special time in our life. We should enjoy them when they come because they don’t come often enough.
So say I’m a middle of the road Not much to show Underachieving, average Joe But I’m a hell of a lover A damn good brother And I wear this heart on my sleeve And that might not mean much to you But it does to me
Once again, it’s amazing to see somebody so proud of who they are. Self-awareness is so critical in the world and most of us struggle with it. We think we are more important that we are, that our roles and titles define us, how much money we make equates to our value. There has been a loss of pride in doing what we do as best as we can and that being enough. I think of my grandfathers and what they did. One owned a 5 and dime with a luncheonette across from the GE factory with his brother-in-law, my great uncle. Working class, high character, good citizen, good husband, father, grandfather. The other one worked managing low-income housing with his 2 partners, an accountant and attorney. They handled the business side; he handled the management and people side. I’ll never forget that he would get up early, go to the Bridgeport JCC to exercise and have a ‘soak and a schvitz’ (hot tub and steam room) and then come back to have breakfast with my grandmother. Blue collar, hardworking, good husband, father, and grandfather. Both were exceptional people and could have been called ‘average Joe’s’. Neither were flashy. Neither measured their worth by what they did for a living or how much money they had. They were good people first. Active community members and true role models.
The second half of the lyric highlights what is important. Hell of a lover, damn good brother, and not embarrassed to have a heart and let it show. The final two sentences show that those are the things that matter. It’s about setting our priorities. It’s about values. It’s about ethics. It’s about what matters to each of us. I’ve yet to be at a funeral where people reveled in the house the person owned, the car they drove, the jewelry that they wore. They always talk about the person they were. Their values. How they impacted the world. Their behavior and their actions. It’s yet another lesson to not judge our insides by other people’s outsides.
I was the one phone call when my brother went to jail Pawned my guitar just to pay his bail No, I will never get it back But I’m okay with that
Reliability. Responsibility. Dependability. That’s what this verse adds to morals, values, and ethics. In the example he sings about, he can be depended upon by his family and friends. He understands what’s important in life, family, and that things can always be replaced. And if we don’t ever replace the things, they are just things. Things are designed to be enjoyed and an added bonus to our lives, they are not the key to enjoying our lives.
Most of my life, I was obsessed with getting the things that I wanted. The newest technology. The biggest TV. I remember getting my first real component stereo system when I was 13 (for those of you too young to know what this was, it was the most incredible thing in the world). The best car, the nicest and biggest house. Today, while I appreciate the things I have, I’m just as happier if I have less. I don’t need the new car or the bigger house. I’m happy with my phone, which is a few years old, and my TVs, which aren’t the newest nor the biggest. I have a little Bluetooth speaker to listen to music that cost less than my first turntable. The things I have enhance my life, they don’t define it. My family, my mom, my in-laws, siblings, cousins and friends are what’s important. I’d rather spend the money to go to my cousin’s daughter’s Bat Mitzvah in Chicago than buy some other toy. It’s so nice having less because I actually have more.
I was the first man standing next to my best friend The day the love of his life said “I do” to him I was a couple beers deep But I still remembered that speech And that might not mean much to you But it does to me
I have had the privilege of being the best man a few times in family and friend’s weddings. I even had a chance to officiate a friend’s wedding last month! The opportunity to be present for these life events are priceless. Where before I may have found an excuse to not go, letting my life be too busy to take the time, spend the money, or whatever excuse I came up with, I have realized that there is nothing like being there when loved ones celebrate special occasions. The most valuable thing in life is time and the people we choose to spend it with. Over the past 25 years, I have made choices and spent time with people that when I look back, weren’t worth the time or the opportunity cost of doing so. Today I get to choose who I want to be around. Who is worth my time. Who do I want in my life and why are they important. It’s a much smaller group of people but it’s a much more impactful group of people. It’s a lesson that I wish I had learned earlier in life and certainly one that I am actively teaching my children now. I want them to understand that people will show you who they are and use that to ensure they don’t have to waste the time that I did with people who show you they don’t deserve it.
There’s a worn-out blade that my Granddaddy gave me My Mama’s first Bible, Daddy’s Don Williams vinyl That first-fish-catching Zebco thirty-three Well, that might not mean much to you But it does to me
I have a number of things from my grandparents and my dad that are meaningful to me. It’s not the financial value of them, it’s the emotional value. I have my grandfather’s masonic ring that I can wear because, like him, I joined the Masons. I have the newspaper covers from when Nixon resigned that my other grandfather had, which always reminds me of him and working in his basement workshop together. We have the handmade wooden trucks that my wife’s grandfather made with his handwriting, signature and date on the bottom. I have candlesticks and special China from my great grandmother than I still use. It’s not the item itself that has the value, it’s the memories they bring up. Once again, we are reminded that time and people are what matter. The memories we make with people are what last forever. The stories we get to tell our children and grandchildren make them live for generations after they are gone. I am not the handiest person in the world, but I have my grandfather’s tools because he was handy and used them constantly. Holding them in my hand is like holding his hand, 25 years after he passed away.
So say I’m a middle of the road Not much to show Underachieving average Joe But I’m a hell of a lover A damn good brother And I wear this heart on my sleeve And I’m a damn hard working One thing’s for certain I stand up for what I believe
And that might not mean much to you But it does to me
The final stanza, while similar to one above, adds two key lines to highlight. The first is working hard. We live in a world today where hard work is often considered a four-letter word. That working hard is related to compensation and if we don’t feel that we are compensated appropriately, we don’t work as hard. This line reminds us that working hard is entirely about ourselves. It’s about our values, our morals, our ethics. We choose to work hard because it is who we are. I remember when being told you worked hard was a complement that had nothing to do with a paycheck. Hard work in school was its own reward. As a 15 year old working part time at Wendy’s for $3.35 an hour I worked hard because I was taught that was what you did at a job, regardless of the pay. It makes a statement about my values, not my wallet. I have never forgotten that lesson.
As he finishes the song by saying “I stand up for what I believe.” I find myself thinking how important that is. A friend used to say all the time that, “If you don’t stand for something, you will fall for anything.” I think about that and often ask myself, what do I believe? What is important to me? What does society tell me matters that really doesn’t. How much is ego driven instead of value driven? What is the outcome I really want and if I don’t stand up for what I believe, can I get that outcome both externally and internally. There have been times in my life when I have gotten the external outcome that I desired but internally it was empty. It didn’t feel good. There have been times where I didn’t get the external outcome I desired, however I stood up for what I believed and even though others might say that I ‘lost’, I actually won because at the end of the day, I felt good inside.
I truly love this song because as I have said earlier, it reminds me not to judge my insides with other’s outsides. It reminds me that what I choose to value and prioritize is what matters, not what society or other people tell me matters. At the end of the day, if society views me as a success but internally, I am empty, I am not a success. If I feel internally successful and value the way I live my life, nothing else matters.
This Steve Jobs quote truly resonates. Do something wonderful today. Be with the people you want to be with. Stand up for what you believe.
About 6 months ago I began subscribing to The Free Press. The articles have been great and each Sunday there is a focus by Douglas Murray called, “Things Worth Remembering” that in year one focused on poetry. I have to admit that for most of my life, poetry hasn’t been something that I really got. Yet getting this weekly article about a specific poem that really dug into the words began to inspire me. I went from glancing at it, to skimming it, to reading it and really enjoying it. The Free Press announced that year two of the column will now focus on great oratory of the ages.
I’ve also written about how behind I am with popular music. So, as I catch up on music, I thought I’d imitate the Free Press and use Sunday as a day to be inspired by music. Today’s song is from 2017, so I’m only 6-7 years behind the curve on this one. It’s by Scotty McCreary and called ‘Five More Minutes”. The words remind me of the past and inspire me for the future.
Eight years old, couple cane pole sittin’ down by the creek. Lines in the water, watchin’ those bobbers, seein’ that red sun sink. Mama’s on the porch yellin’, “Supper’s hot! Y’all come and get it!” We yelled, “Five more minutes.”
As a child, we played outside every day. Winter, Spring, Summer, or Fall, it didn’t matter how hot or cold it was, we were outside playing. The rules were when the streetlights came on, we had to head home. And every day, when the lights came on, we kept playing until at least one of our mothers who open the front door and yell at us to come inside for dinner. And just like in the song, we would groan and beg for just five more minutes. We never really wanted just five more minutes but that was what we asked for. As an adult, I look back on those days with such gratitude. We had no worries. We played all sorts of games outside with everybody in the neighborhood. The only worry we had was watching for the streetlights to turn on. There are many days that I wish for just five more minutes of that childhood without the pressures of life. As my children grew up, I wanted to give them to same type of experience. While the world had changed and technology meant they weren’t outside all afternoon like we were, I still wanted to give them the opportunity to ask for just five more minutes. I smile when it’s dinner time and my now young adult sons will ask for just a few more minutes to finish their game before they come to eat.
The joy of childhood is precious, and we lose it far too often. While as adults we have responsibilities beyond coming home for dinner when the streetlights turn on, we can find our own ways to do the things that bring us similar joy to we experienced in childhood. In the times we live in, bringing some childhood joy to our lives is critical to maintain our sanity.
At sixteen, it was 12:03, standin’ at her front door. And Katie’s dad said “Midnight,” but we needed just a little more. Yellow light flippin’ on and off interruptin’ that good night kissin’. We wanted five more minutes.
As a teen, it was no longer just come in for dinner when the streetlights came on. After dinner it was going out with friends. First it was just in the neighborhood and as we got older and could drive, it was midnight and later. It was exciting and thrilling. The night brought lots of opportunities, especially with dating. I remember many times sitting in the car or at the front door with the ‘goodnight kiss’, knowing that her dad was waiting inside to make sure she got home by curfew. And like the song, we always wanted just five more minutes. High school was all about the five more minutes of whatever we were doing, other than school. Dating, parties, youth group conventions, vacations – we always wanted just a little bit more.
When I look back, I find myself thinking about how to get that extra time with the things I love. Going to sporting events with my kids, the theater with my wife, vacations with my wife and with the family, concerts, spending holidays together, and so much more. I remember growing up hearing about how time was the most precious commodity we have and thinking how young I was and how much future was ahead. In my mid 50s, with 60 around the corner, I look back and appreciate the way I spent some of my time and think of the missed time that I can never get back. I treasure the time I got to spend with my grandparents and how integral all four of them were to me into my mid-20s and early 30s. I think of my great-grandma Rose and the time I spent with her. I think of my parents, my siblings (including my wife’s sisters and her family), my cousins, my in-laws, and my close friends.
As I look at the next two decades of my life, I want to focus on that extra five more minutes with the people I love and the people who matter to me. Time truly is the most precious possession we have, and I am grateful to be at a place in my life and with my career where I don’t have to sacrifice the time because of work, finances, or ego. I want to remember what it felt like being a teenager when I treasured every minute on a date, while being out with friends, and with everything that I did. Somehow when building a career and raising a family, these things get lost, and it is too easy to never recover them.
Time rolls by, the clock don’t stop. I wish I had a few more drops of the good stuff, the good times. Ah, but they just keep on flyin’. Right on by like it ain’t nothin’. I wish I had me a-, a pause button. Moments like those, Lord knows I’d hit it. And give myself five more minutes.
As a kid, time seemed to drag on. I remember being told that as I got older, the days would go slow and the years would go fast. I didn’t believe it nor did I truly understand it. I was young. Invincible. The future was mine and so much ahead of me. I remember turning 30 and thinking how old I was, because I grew up in shadows of the ‘don’t trust anybody over 30’ generation. I wanted a fast forward button, not a pause button. Fast forward through high school so I could be independent and move away to college. College was fun but I wanted to fast forward to building a career. Being single was fun but I wanted to fast forward to getting married and having children. Time was plentiful so why would I want to slow life down?
My fraternity brothers at one of our formals. Truly the best of times that went way too fast.
My friend Aric, who is like a brother to me, and his now wife Carol Ann. We joke that if it was ‘my turn’ when we met girls that she would have been my wife instead of his. It feels like yesterday but it was more than 30 years ago.
High school. Hard to believe this was almost 40 years ago. It feels like yesterday. We lost my friend Ellen (z’l) in the Penn Sweatshirt and sunglasses last year. Time goes too fast. I’d like 5 more minutes with my friend.
How naïve we are as young people. We think we are indestructible. We think we will live forever. We think nothing bad will happen. I would love to go back and use the pause button as my grandparents’ beach cottage every summer with extended family. I want to use the pause button on our family Thanksgiving touch football games and our family Passover whiffle ball games, especially when my grandparents would play in one way or another. I’d use the pause button when we celebrated both sets of grandparents 50th wedding anniversaries on the same cruise and when we celebrated my parents 50th wedding anniversary on another cruise. I’d hit the pause button on all the time I spent with my cousin Eric growing up together. I’d pause my wedding and honeymoon. I’d use it when my kids, Evan and Matthew, were little to get more of them as small children. When I look at the pictures that we have of them when they were both under 6, I wonder where the time went and how it went so quickly.
Family picture on my parents 50th anniversary cruise
My parents and their grandchildren as we celebrated their 50th anniversary.
The family in Curacao at the oldest synagogue in the western hemisphere. We had so much fun together celebrating my parents.
My cousin Eric and me at ‘the cottage’ cooking breakfast. We had amazing times together and at the cottage before his early passing. We had life plans that never happened.
While we don’t have a real life pause button, we do have the ability to treasure every moment and not miss them. I think of driving Evan to Tennessee to start graduate school and his college football coaching career and how I treasured every minute of the drive, moving him in, and shopping for the things he needed. I think of the times I went on college recruiting trips with Evan and when I took Matthew to visit and explore potential colleges. Going to theater with my wife and Matthew, sporting events with Evan and Matthew, and our special fantasy baseball ‘Get Together’ weekends with our ICBL brothers each year and smile as the memories are vivid and I enjoyed every minute. Recently I attended my friend Jeremy’s wedding and had the honor of officiating their marriage. Every minute of the time we all spent together was special and treasured. We have the ability to step back, slow down, and appreciate the gifts we have in our life. Too often, we look back and realize ‘we missed it’. I made the decision when my dad died that I wasn’t going to miss anything any longer. It was the experience that taught me the importance of time and how to treasure it. To live life as if there was a pause button so I appreciate all the moments.
Jeremy and me before the wedding. A memory I will never forget.
Evan, Matthew and me on the field before the game at Ben Hill Griffin Stadium during a recruiting vist to UF.
Alison, Matthew, Carla, and me at the Orlando Ballet’s performance of the Nutcracker. These are highlights we take advantage of while we can.
At eighteen, turned my helmet in and walked to the fifty-yard line. Just the coach and me after we lost eighteen to nine. And I cried, “Man, next time to get in here, I’ll have to buy a ticket. Can’t you give me five more minutes?”
My oldest son Evan played high school football and started all four years. We went to football camps together his last two years of high school. As a family, we didn’t miss games and the opportunity to watch him play. I’ll never forget his last high school football game as we walked the field arm in arm, as he was honored on senior night. I’ll never forget the look on his face after the game, a big win, and the connection he had with his coach. I remember the feeling I had at that moment, knowing I would never watch him play high school football again and that not only was his life changing, but mine was as well. We stayed on the field after the game for a long time to soak up every minute we could. And I remember thinking as we walked off the field how I wish I could have had just a little more time, just five more minutes, of that experience as it ended forever. When he told me that he had decided not to continue playing college football and instead wanted to start his coaching career early, while he was in college, I was devastated. He was fine with his decision and didn’t regret ending one stage and moving onto the next step in his career. I wasn’t ready. I was looking forward to watching him play, to celebrating his achievements, and struggled with the way it was changing my life. I was still able to watch him coach at UCF and then in high school and with the semi-pro Orlando law enforcement/first responders’ team. It was still an awesome experience, but a very different one. As he started his professional career coaching college football, it was an incredible experience watching him coach.
Evan and Coach Carter sharing emotion after his final high school game.
Evan and Coach Carter. A great mentor
Evan tackling as a freshman. His first tackle ever was NBA star Dejounte Murray.
Family picture on the field after his freshman season
Evan played in the band at halftime 3 of his 4 years of varsity football. This was a classic – we need more cowbell! Matthew is in the back as they played in the band together.
Evan in uniform at UCF
Evan in the locker room before the game
Evan with his conference championship ring. A forever treasure.
Evan snapping in practice. He was a great long snapper.
Evan with the UCF conference championship trophy. What a memoryEvan as the head coach of the Orlando Guardians of the National Public Safety Football League. They played teams like FDNY and the Chicago Fire Department.
Watching Matthew, my younger son, graduate high school was another seminal moment. I would now only have kids in college. Attending his graduation, Magna Cum Laude, from Seminole State, was an incredible experience. When he graduates UCF in another year, I will no longer have any kids in college. It’s another major life transition and when he moves out of the house as well, I know I will want 5 more minutes of kids living in my house. It’s another reminder of how precious time is and how important it is not to waste the time we have.
Matthew graduation night – he graduated Magna Cum Laude, truly impressive.
I was invited to the White House Hanukkah party in 2022. Matthew came with me and we had a great time. Another special moment we will both remember forever.
At eighty-six, my grandpa said, “There’s angels in the room.” All the family gathered ‘round, knew the time was comin’ soon. With so much left to say I prayed, “Lord, I ain’t finished. Just give us five more minutes.”
My dad died on September 6, 2022. I had gotten him moved to Advent Health about three weeks prior and my mom moved in with us while he was in the hospital. I visited him every day while he was in the hospital and got to spend quality time with my mom every morning and evening. Those three weeks are precious to me, both for the time I spent with my dad and the time I spent with my mom. When I think of them, I tear up, because they were some of the most meaningful days of my life. I look back at some of the pictures from those three weeks and smile with a mixture of happiness and sadness. My dad eating real food I had delivered when he got out of ICU into a private room – I can still hear him talking about how good it was because the hospital food was so bad. The picture of him and my mom walking hand in hand in the hospital hallway. They were married for 56 years and together for 65+. The last picture I took of my dad, lying in his bed, with a sweet smile on his face. I remember kissing him goodnight, telling him I loved him and would see him in the morning. My mom got the call from the hospital around 1:30 am that morning that he had died. We went to the hospital together and sat with him, just the three of us, while we waited until it was not too early to call my brother and my sister as well as my Aunt Sheila, his sister. Writing about it brings tears to my eyes once again.
When I look at this picture, I can hear my dad’s voice talking about how good the food was and how much he enjoyed it. I’m forever grateful for the opportunity I had the last 3 weeks of his life.
My mom and dad walking the hospital hallway. So many special moments during those 3 weeks that I will treasure forever.
The last picture I took of my dad. He looked so sweet and peaceful. I gave him a kiss, told him I loved him and that I’d see him the next morning. He died a few hours later. Every time I look at this picture it brings tears to my eyes. How I wish I could have 5 more minutes.
As we sat in the room with him after he had died, I remember wishing I just had one more chance to talk with him, to tell him again how much I loved him, to be able to ask his advice and hear his wisdom and knowing that would never be possible. I wanted those five more minutes. I have no regrets with my dad, I just wanted more. I wanted those five more minutes. And today, there are plenty of times when I want to pick up the phone and call him, talk for five minutes, and pick his brain and get his advice. Once again, it’s an example of the precious nature of time.
I choose to invest my time with my family. With my sons, my wife, my mom, siblings and siblings-in-law. I want to do my part to ensure that when the time comes, my children have no regrets. They don’t wish they had just done something more with me. They don’t regret missing out spending time together.
Celebrating my mom’s birthday with the family. I don’t miss these opportunities.
The family celebrating Alison’s 50th birthday
Dancing with my mom at a family Bar Mitzvah.
I think of the lost time with my family members who died too young. My Uncle Joe. My cousins Eric and Todd. I think of the time missed with my friends who have died in the past few years and how they won’t be around any longer. I always think of my dad, who died in September 2022, and who I miss daily. We have no guarantees in life, and we get to choose our priorities. I’ve reached a place in my life where my priorities have shifted. It’s far more rewarding to do what I can to minimize the impact of wanting those five more minutes at the end.
Yeah, sometimes this ol’ life will leave you wishin’. That you had five more minutes. Five more minutes.
Priorities are the key. We live in a culture that values money, status, and titles. We often sacrifice things like time with family and friends in our effort to make money, obtain a better title, or because our identity is tied to our job. In the end, like the song says, those priorities “will leave you wishin’ that you had five more minutes.” Our society puts pressure on us to meet their priorities. Over the past 18 months, since my dad got sick and then died, I have been reviewing my priorities. Asking myself what is really important. What do I really value? It’s been a complete reset in many areas.
October 7th only highlighted this even more. I have seen the 47-minute Hamas video and it’s horrifying. I have four friends who had family members taken hostage. Of the 6 hostages, 4 have been released. There are still 2 held by Hamas, now for 126 days. I have friends who lost family members at the music festival. Friends who lost family serving in the IDF. Friends who are serving or have children currently serving in the IDF, worried every day about their safety. I wear my dogtags every day. My Magen David (star of David) every day. I put a new piece of masking tape on my shirt, over my heart, every day, updating the number of days the hostages have been kept.
Besides being a great song, Five More Minutes teaches an important lesson. It reminds us that in the end, all we really want is more time. No matter how much money we may have, no matter how much power and influence we may have, no matter what our titles are or what we have accomplished in our careers, the one thing we all want is just five more minutes. At the end of the day, we have the choice to set our priorities. I choose to do what I can to want, but not need, those five more minutes.
Some people get inspired by poetry. Others by art such paintings or sculptures. For some it is the beauty of dance. Still another group it’s the theater. That’s the great thing about the arts. Different people can find inspiration in different things at different times. For me, it has always been through music and the lyrics, or poetry, that make up the song. For years I would quote my favorite poet, Bruce Springsteen.
Recently, I have been listening to a lot of country music. I think it’s because my oldest son likes it and listens to it (along with hip-hop) in his car or when he would take over the music in my car. Since I tend to do most of the long-distance driving, I began listening. After our 10+ hour drive to Tennessee to move him to graduate school I was fully hooked and even had some favorite ‘new’ songs.
The lyrics to country music truly speak to life. I have found many artists that I like and even more songs that speak to me. As my children are now in their 20s, I found it a little odd that the song ‘Watching You’ by Rodney Atkins became a favorite as it’s about a father and his 4-year-old son. As I listened to it over many days, I finally realized that it’s not just about our children watching and learning from us. Children are sponges and soak up whatever we put out. What speaks to me now is the impact of this. As we see worldwide hatred continue to grow, as we have seen the incredible expression of Jew hatred since October 7th, it really does come down to the lyrics of this song and people watching us.
“So I said ‘son, where did you learn to talk like that?’ He said, ‘I’ve been watching you dad, ain’t that cool? I’m your buckaroo, I wanna be like you. And eat all my food and grow as tall as you are. We got cowboy boots and camo pants. Yeah, we’re just alike, hey, ain’t we dad? I wanna do everything you do. So I’ve been watching you.’”
People watch what we do. Our children are exposed the most and we have the most impact on them. I think of the messages I got from my parents and my grandparents about what really matters and what to invest in. About the messages I have sent and continue to send to my children.
Sitting in Grandpa Len’s lap. He never stopped teachingGrandpa Si was always teaching us as we watched himI was lucky to have all 4 grandparents alive and teaching me until I was 26
I want to focus on 5.
1. Family is everything. It’s something my parents and grandparents always believed in. Whether that meant ensuring we spent time together as a nuclear family, extended family, or with those who are just considered family, there was never a question about this in our house. Growing up, we attended every family celebration. We spent vacations at my grandparent’s beach house in Connecticut which meant we spent that time with most of our cousins. Holidays were family events and I have fond memories of Thanksgiving and Passover with my cousins. This is something I have continued with my children. It’s essential they understand that when it comes to family, that always comes first.
The family celebrating Ali’s 50th birthdayOne of our memorable family vacationsMy parents with their 7 grandchildren on their 50th anniversary cruiseThe Dvorchik family all togetherEven without my dad, when there is a family event we show up
2. Judaism matters. I spent most of my childhood at the synagogue or JCC. Hebrew school was 3 days a week. We went on Shabbat morning for services. My parents were involved so there was usually an event at least one other day a week. 4-5 days a week, 10 months a year, I was there for something. The JCC was a couple of blocks away and easy to walk between the two. I learned to swim at the JCC. I played basketball, floor hockey, did community theater and was on the swim team at the JCC. As I got older, the public school had a bus that stopped there so it was common for my friends and I to go there after school and then, at 5 pm, figure out which of our mom’s would be able to pick us up. Using the phone at the reception desk, eventually we would find one of them at home or before they left work to get us. At least most of the time. Being Jewish and a part of the Jewish community was ingrained in me from the beginning by what my parents did and invested in. I went to Jewish summer camp. I was involved with a Jewish youth group.
My synagogue confirmation class. We still keep in touch and many of us are in Facebook chat.There is even a big time future Rabbi in our group!
Every Friday night we had Shabbat dinner. We all sat down at the table after lighting candles. My dad said the kiddush. One of the kids said Hamotzi. Every week. We could invite friends if we wanted. As we got older, we were allowed to go out with friends on Friday night only AFTER Shabbat dinner. It was tradition. It was special. As my kids got older and my oldest started playing high school football, during football season, our Shabbat dinner changed. Instead of being at the table, it was in the stands, usually a hot dog and soda as we watched him play. It wasn’t the same quality of meal, but it was the same quality of time together. Even today, we are talking about Shabbat dinner and while I don’t bake Challah like I used to before becoming gluten free, I’m trying to find a good recipe so it will be part of the weekly ritual. Family time is special and a value to my grandparents, parents, myself, and our children. The investment my parents and grandparents put into infusing being Jewish into my core remains today.
As little kids, lighting the menorah with my dadAs a little kid, saying Hamotzi with my Grandpa Si on ShabbatKiddush with Grandpa Si. I got a sip of wine.
3. Talk is cheap. This was one of my dad’s favorite statements to me (or maybe most often used). Anybody can say anything. It’s not what you say but what you do that matters. As a child, I would always have an excuse. My dad taught me that it didn’t matter what you said, it mattered what you did. “Show me, don’t tell me.” was a common theme. My parents showed love. They showed responsibility. They showed what a marriage looked like. They showed what raising a family is like. They showed sacrifice. They showed commitment. They gave the example of what to do, not what to say. At work. With each other. With us. Basically, they showed how to do this in life.
4. The best gift you can give your children is to love their mother. This came from my dad and his father. I heard this growing up. I saw it in action with my grandparents and my parents. Both sets of grandparents were married for over 55 years. My parents were married for over 55 years. They set the example for their children about love, commitment, and respect.
One of my favorite pictures of my parents showing their loveTheir faces show their loveTheir wedding picture has always been a favoriteMy dad’s favorite picture of my mom – he always had it in his officeAli and me enjoying a night out
5. Get involved and make a difference. My parents and grandparents were always involved in the community, particularly the Jewish community. Presidents of their synagogue. Involved with the men’s clubs, sisterhoods. Volunteering at the Jewish Home for the Aged as I grew up. The Masons, Kiwanis, Hadassah, National Council of Jewish Women, and B’nai Brith are just some of the organizations they were involved with. My grandmother knitted slippers and hats for people in the hospital. Growing up, I saw what commitment was like and as I got involved with my youth group, I took on leadership roles. In college, I was a leader in my fraternity. Throughout my adult life, getting involved has been important to me whether it was in the workplace or the things I do for fun. It’s something I have infused into my children as well. Just showing up isn’t enough. We have an obligation to get involved and make a difference.
My dad’s last big volunteer effort was a Nefesh Mountain concert to raise money for Jewish summer camps scholarships. Everybody said he was crazy. They made about 10k to help send kids to camp. He was so excited and so proud.
When I listen to Rodney Atkins sing those lyrics, I see myself as a little boy looking up at my dad. I see my boys looking up to me as their dad. And I think about the final chorus when he sings:
My dad with me and my brother when we were littleI’m sure I was doing something I wasn’t supposed toThe time I took my kids to dinner with Eli Weisel
“But when I’m big I’ll still know what to do. Cause I’ve been watching you dad, ain’t that cool? I’m your buckaroo, I wanna be like you. And eat all my food and grow as tall as you are. By then I’ll be strong as superman. We’ll be just alike, hey, won’t we dad? When I can do everything you do. ‘Cause I’ve been watching you.“
Our kids are watching us and learning. Their friends are watching us and learning. The world is looking at us and watching and learning. What are we committed to showing and teaching them? For me, I know. Do you?
My favorite picture of me and my dad. This is from Evan’s Bar Mitzvah party. We were both filled with so much joy.
I am the first to admit that I am not up on the newest trends. Whether it’s fashion, movies, language, or music, I am always late to the table. Recently I discovered the Tim McGraw song Live Like You are Dying that was released in 2004 (only 20 years behind the times!) that of course was the #1 song on the US Country Billboard chart for 7 weeks. Like I said, I’m behind the times.
As we enter a new year, 2024, the lyrics struck me deeply as a guide for how to live my life. The song was written by Tim Nichols and Craig Wiseman who based it on family and friends who learned of illnesses (cancers), and how they often had a new perspective on life upon learning they had limited time.
When one person asks the other what they did with this news, their answer was simple, beautiful, and powerful. The answer is:
I went skydiving, I went Rocky Mountain climbing I went 2.7 seconds on a bull named Fumanchu. And I loved deeper, and I spoke sweeter, and I gave forgiveness I’d been denying.
What an inspiration. Upon learning of a potential life ending medical condition, their decision was to invest in life. To invest in living every moment possible. To do the things they always wanted. To feel the exhilaration of life. I find myself wondering why it took the diagnosis to make the investment in life. Why do we often wait until it is too late to do the things that we really want or that really matter?
Often times we put the things that society values in front of living. We feel the need to work more, have more money, more things, a nicer car, a bigger house. It often takes a major life event for us to realize our priorities are in the wrong place. Would my life be any less if I drove a less expensive car? Had a less expensive house? Wore less expensive clothes or jewelry?
In Bali I did the swing and it was incredible. I’ve been skydiving. It’s important to do the things that are fun in life.
Horseback riding on the beach in Netanya, Israel with my friend Remo. These opportunities come up for all of us and we need to remember not to miss them.
The next line in song is haunting.
Someday I hope you get the chance to live like you were dying.
We get this chance every single day. Do we want to be home for dinner with the family or work that extra hour or two? Do we want to take our children to their doctor appointment, watch their sporting events, plays, recitals, and concerts or spend more time working, accumulating ‘things’. Why do we have to hope that “someday” we will get this change when we have it every single day.
The second verse talks about the person they want to be. As I read the lyrics, it reminded me of the things that are really important to me.
I was finally the husband that most of the time I wasn’t, and I became a friend a friend would like to have. And all of a sudden going fishin’ wasn’t such an imposition and I went three times that year I lost my dad. Well, I finally read the Good Book, and I took a good, long, hard look at what I’d do if I could do it all again
Fishing with Evan and my nephews Nick and Caden. It was a fun day, especially because I caught all the fish! Memories are priceless.
The past 15 months have been life changing for me. My father died in September 2022. We had a very close relationship and the last few weeks of his life I got to be there for him on a daily basis. The ability to do that was one I will always treasure. His passing started a process of self-evaluation and reflection that continues today.
When my children were little, I had the flexibility to take them to their doctor appointments and almost always did. I didn’t miss a performance or sporting event. As they got older and my travel requirements for work changed, I began missing some things when I was out of town however, I did my best to schedule around their appointments and events. A friend of mine gave me wise advice when my children were little. He said, “Every age is the best.” As such, I wanted to fully engage with them at every age and through every phase.
There came a 3-year period of time when work was overwhelming, and I was not able to engage this way. I remember how I felt during that time period and how much I didn’t like it. I remember feeling like I was not the father I wanted to be. I was not setting the example that I wanted for my children. I was not being the person that I wanted to be. So, I made a change.
The past years have been filled with time invested with my family. I have incredible memories I have with both of my children are ones that will last a lifetime. The time visiting colleges for football recruiting with my oldest. Friday night lights watching him play football in high school and then with UCF and coaching high school football. The spent with my younger son at Jaguars games and theater at the Dr. Phillips Center. Eating dinner as a family. Holiday celebrations together. Birthday traditions, family vacations.
At the UFC fight – it’s become a tradition for Evan, Matthew and me to go.
Matthew and me at the 2022 White House Hanukkah Party. A memory with stories we will always remember
I had the chance to take my nephew Jacob to the Braves-Mets game in Citi Field. Time together is irreplaceable.
On the drive to Tennesse to move Evan in to start as a GA coaching football at Tusculum College, he wanted a little detour to stop at the University of South Carolina football stadium. Worth every minute of the detour.
At my father’s funeral, my brother, sister, and I all spoke about him. None of us talked about how much he worked. None of us talked about the material things that we had. It wasn’t important that we didn’t have the most expensive home, car, or clothes. We talked about the person my dad was. We talked about the time we spent with him. We told stories about him and the impact he had on our lives and the lives of our friends. I wrote in a previous blog how my dad told somebody that he wasn’t afraid of dying. He was just sad about the things he would be missing. I truly believe that is because when he “took a good, long, hard look at what I’d do if I could do it all again” he found little that he would do differently when it came to his family. He was ‘a friend a friend would want like to have’ and inspires me to make sure that I am as well.
Evan with my longtime friend Darryl. Darryl is a college football coach and has served as a mentor to Evan. A friend a friend would want.
The final verse of the song teaches me to do it now, not wait. The lyrics state:
Like tomorrow was a gift and you’ve got eternity to think about what you’d do with it. What could you do with it? What did I do with it? What would I do with it?
I decided years ago that I didn’t want to live with regret. I never wanted to look aback on my life and regret missing out on things. As my oldest is almost 24 and living his dream as a college football coach (graduate assistant) in Tennessee and my youngest is 21 and finishing his Junior year at UCF, I look back at time when they were young without regrets. I took advantage of the time with them to fully immerse myself in being there. I was cautioned by others to take advantage when they still wanted me around because the day would come when they didn’t any longer. I’ve been blessed that they still want me around. That we still do things and go places together. That my oldest wants me to come to watch him coach. That my youngest wants to go to sporting events, concerts, the theater with me. That they both want to go on vacation with their parents.
Evan, Matthew and me the night before he coached in the conference championship game. I wouldn’t trade the 10 hours each way with Matthew or the chance to watch Evan coach for anything.
Alison, Matthew, Carla and me at the Orlando Ballet performance of the Nutcracker. Going to the theater and the arts have become a fun thing for us.
A song that starts with a cancer diagnosis sounds depressing. Yet this one is inspiring. Not because the person survives – we don’t know that outcome. But we do know that they chose to live. They chose to take advantage of every day they have on earth with people.
As we start 2024, I renew my commitment to living in the moment. To not having regrets. To set my priorities and have them in line with my values. To live like I am dying.
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