I saw the video of the Hamas atrocities from October 7, 2023, this past Thursday, December 14, 2023.  It was 47 minutes of horrifying video of the worst that people do to each other.  It was evil incarnate.  The Israel consulate shared with us that they have even worse video that they won’t share because it’s both too horrifying and because they don’t want to traumatize the families of the victims.  After what I viewed, I completely understand and don’t want or need to see that footage.

A friend asked me the next day if I was able to sleep that night, having just witnessed these atrocities and I told them that I had slept ok and was still processing everything that I saw and that I felt and integrating it with conversations I have had with family and friends living in Israel, some actively serving in the IDF and in the middle of the war.

I appreciate the sleep I had the night of Thursday December 14 because I haven’t slept well since.  The more I process, the more I think about it, the more I share with others about the experience, the more I feel my feelings, the worse I sleep.  There is so much that disturbs me about October 7, about what I hear from my Israeli family and friends, about the news coverage and what is happening in our country, what some of our Representatives and Senators in Washington are saying and doing, the United Nations, The International Red Cross, the loss of life that is occurring, all juxtaposed on my own experiences in Israel, with Israeli-Arabs, with Israeli Druze families, and with Palestinians.  My mind constantly spins with many thoughts that consume me.

On my 2019 Encounter trip to Israel, I spent 4 days meeting with leaders of Palestinian civil society and became friends with 4 amazing people.  I have found myself thinking about them often since the video.  They want peace with Israel.  They are vocal about Israel’s right to exist.  They are the people we need to have a larger voice. 

One of them, Ali Abu-Awaad, came to Orlando and spoke to a crowd that was half Israeli just before the pandemic.  The Israelis were blown away as they had never heard a Palestinian speak like that.  I’ll never forget what he said in Ramallah and in Orlando.  “The path to peace is not through Jewish blood.  It is through Jewish hearts.  We have to give the Jewish people a reason to trust us.”  How are they doing?  What are they feeling? 

I think of Osama, who was taught to hate the ‘Yehuds’ from birth, found redemption in an Israeli jail, through Combatants for Peace, and at a Shabbat dinner.  Does he still keep a kippah in his pocket because he never knows when he’ll be invited to Shabbat dinner? (A direct quote from him).  Does he still believe in a better future or has this shaken his hope for the future.

I think of Mahmoud, the owner of the Palestinian bookstore in East Jerusalem, where the password for Wi-Fi was “JerusalemIsOurs” and yet his startling admission to us later that evening that “If Zionism means the Jews have a right to the land and we also have a right to the land, then I am a Zionist.”  This came from somebody who a few years early thought Zionism was evil.  I think of the former Hamas member and former member of the Al Aqsa Brigade that I had lunch with one day.  Are they still on a path to peace or has this brought back their hatred and desire for violence?

I think about my friends and family in Israel.  I check in regularly.  My friends and family in Jerusalem are largely safe but also emotionally impacted.  Most of them have family living elsewhere that are at risk or have children, relatives, and/or friends who are actively serving.  Reading the names of the soldiers lost every day is a painful daily occurrence where we hope and pray not to know any of the names and then feeling guilty that we didn’t know the brave soldiers who paid the ultimate price for the Jewish people and the State of Israel. 

I think about my friends who live on Bitzaron, a Moshav in the south of Israel.  On October 7 we texted via WhatsApp as they hid in their safe room, hoping that terrorists wouldn’t come to their Moshav.  We have kept in touch throughout the time since and I have shared the aching in my soul to be in Israel, volunteering, helping to cook, clean, harvest crops, or do whatever they need me to do.  They have told me not to come yet, it wasn’t safe yet, wait a little longer.   Last week they messaged me, asking if I could come to help them with harvesting the crops as many are reservists, called up to fight in this war, and they don’t have enough people to harvest the crops.  It broke my heart telling them I couldn’t come now, as my family doesn’t want me to go because of their fears for my safety.  My wife has been to Israel 5 times and knows the realities.  My kids have seen me go to Israel most of their lives and know my love and passion for the country and the people.  They know how much I want to go and yet, as of now, I won’t go in order to honor their needs.  And yet I think of Irit and Avi and the Moshav and their crops and the need for food for the country and am left so conflicted.

I think of my friends and their children who are currently serving on the front lines.  I think of their bravery.  Some close to my age yet still on the front lines.  Others are 18, 19, 20, 21 – younger than my own children – who are doing what is needed for the Jewish people and the State of Israel.  I worry about them every single day, those serving in the South and in Gaza as well as those in the north dealing with Hezbollah.  I pray for their safety and that this war ends successfully soon so they can return to their lives.

I think of my friends who have family members that were either murdered on October 7 or were taken hostage.  The two that I know were hostages have thankfully been released.  I have previously written about Hila, kidnapped at 12 years old and released the day before her 13^th birthday.  I’m so grateful to everybody who went to the Amazon page we set up to buy her birthday and Hanukkah gifts so she would feel the love from the worldwide Jewish and non-Jewish community.  Everything we listed and added and added was purchased and sent to her.  Her mother was released just after Hila’s birthday, so they are together but how are they doing?  How shattered are they?  How will they recover?  I have a little relief knowing that all of us joined together to help in our small way for her birthday and for Hanukkah to bring some light to their darkness. 

I think about those who are still hostages.  Are they alive?  Do they believe we haven’t forgotten them?  What about the infant and the children?  What about the women who were raped and taken captive?  Are they still being raped?  Are some of them now pregnant with their rapist’s baby?  Will they ever be released?  We are now getting daily reports of hostages murdered in captivity by Hamas.  Are they all dead and we are just waiting to hear the news day by day?  What about the tragic shooting of 3 escaped hostages by the IDF?  Are there more hostages that escaped?  What about the IDF soldiers who shot them – they were trying to keep safe and alive and now have to live with this for the rest of their lives. 

I think about those in Gaza who will remain after Hamas is removed.  How do we take care of them so that they believe in peace and in a future without violence, with prosperity and freedom?  How and who will rebuild Gaza?  I pray it will be the Abraham Accord countries who have the resources and can help put in a new government that will benefit the people of Gaza and give them a chance for a meaningful and fulfilling life that occurs peacefully next to their neighbor, Israel.  Is there hope?  Will we lose focus and leave them to be ‘saved’ by Iranian money once again? 

I think about all those calling for a “Ceasefire Now” because it sounds wonderful and their believe it will save lives, not understanding that Hamas has said they will commit the same atrocities or worse again and again and again.  Their leadership has said this publicly, on video, multiple times.  “Ceasefire now” means let Hamas regroup, rearm, and begin to murder Israelis once again, continuing the cycle of violence and ensuring more die.  How do we help them see that evil must be eradicated.  That there is no diplomacy with evil.  The only trust that exists with evil is that they aren’t trustworthly.

I think about the International Red Cross and how they haven’t seen a single hostage in captivity in Gaza.  Their only role has been to serve as a taxi service for those being released.  How they refuse to ensure needed medication gets to the hostages.  The abject failure of this organization haunts me and angers me. 

I think about UNRWA and how ineffective they are and how they are actively keeping Hamas going and harming the citizens of Gaza.   The Gazan people are rioting and stealing the aid from the warehouses because they know Hamas will steal it from UNRWA and they won’t get the food and medicine and water being supplied daily.  I think about the UNRWA employees who kept hostages in their homes.  About the doctor at a hospital who kept a hostage in his home.  These are the ‘innocent civilians’ we hear about and they are not innocent, they are complicit.

I think about being safe in the United States and around the world.  I haven’t felt safe in a year and have taken steps and continue to take steps to ensure my safety and the safety of my family.  I wait for the violence against Jewish people in the United States to increase significantly.  I wait for the first of what I fear will be many Jewish mass casualties in the United States.

I’m sorry this is so long but now you know why I have trouble sleeping since watching the video.  You know what I think about when I am awake and when I close my eyes.