What exactly are friends? It’s a term we use a lot, often when we mean acquaintences. What does it mean to be a friend? What does it mean to have friends? As a kid, friends meant popularity. Friends meant a good social life. Friends meant status. The older I get, the more that definition changes. As a kid, the more friends you had, the better. As an adult, having friends is an obligation, one that requires work and effort, and I no longer want more, I want better. A good friend of mine used to say that since he was in his late 50s (he’s now 73), he didn’t need any more friends, so he was just going to say things. To be his friend meant something and still does. That’s how I feel.
The past few days are good examples of what friendship really means to me. Let me explain. On Sunday, I got a call from a friend out of the blue. He told me about a friend of his in Baltimore who is on the autism spectrum. His friend has a job (he is a phlebotomist) but is struggling to make ends meet and needs some help. He has a cash problem and needs help accessing a kosher food bank. I jumped into action, reaching out to friends in Baltimore who were able to connect him with the Kosher Food Bank at Jewish Family Services in Baltimore, a Chabad program in Baltimore that helps Jews in need, a synagogue that has a program to help those in need, and a social service program that can help him as well. Within 15 minutes, we had assembled the information needed to help his friend.
My friend kept thanking me and I kept telling him that he didn’t need to. I told him, “This is what we do.” and I meant it. When a friend reaches out for help, we jump into action. We don’t sit back passively, we jump in actively. Thanks aren’t needed between real friends.
Another friend called me on Sunday because we hadn’t spoken in too long. We chatted about life and then began to discuss career choices, options, where he is in his career and where he wants to be. We talked about how to get there and steps he needs to take now so that in a year or two, he will be ready to move out of what he is currently doing and begin the adventure he wants to undertake. We talked about a potential client of mine that is doing something really amazing (more will be revealed in future posts) and how exciting it is and if there is a way for him to join in with it. I made the time to talk with him because he matters to me. He made the effort to call me because I matter to him. Friendship takes work and we both value each other and spent the time that shows it.
Today a friend called me to share some personal news. We have been talking on the phone but haven’t seen each other in over a month due to busy schedules and some health issues he has. He said, “I wanted to share this with you because I consider you a very close friend.” I made sure he knew that I also consider him a very close friend. He took a risk confiding in me. I took on the responsibility of not just keeping his confidence but also of being there for him. I shared some of my own personal health issues with him as he has shared his with me. We are there to support each other. That’s what friends do – they are there for each other all the time, not just when it is convenient.
I have three friends that I talk with almost every single day. We make time for each other via text or phone. We check in on each other, ask about our days, how life is going, share our challenges. It is just a part of what I do every day. It is a part of what they do every day. Friendship is a two way street and takes effort, takes work. Friendship is not a popularity contest like in high school or college. It isn’t who has the most or who has the coolest friends. It’s not about name dropping or being seen with a certain crowd. Friendship is about much more than that.
A friend of mine has been struggling finding a job. She’s been looking for a long time and has been frustated with interviews that offer way too low compensation, interviewers who don’t follow up, who don’t close the loop, and jobs with 20-30 applicants in the first days of them being posted. I’ve been working to help her find the right type of opportunity and shared different options with her through this search. About a month ago, I saw a friend of mine was hiring for somebody in her field and let her know. I reached out to my friend to let me know she was applying and asking to give her special attention (not to hire her, that’s his decision, but to really look at her candidacy). Last week she let me know that she got the job! I was so happy for her. Then my friend who was hiring reached out to let me know he was hiring her. I was so happy for him. In this case, friendship because a three way street with everybody winning.
As I am writing this, I scrolled through Facebook and saw a shocking post. An old friend from my BBYO (Jewish youth group) days died today. We were friendly rather than friends. We had lost touch for decades before connecting again on Facebook in the past few years. I knew he had some ups and downs but didn’t realize his health condition until reading the notice of his passing. It makes me sad to know that I missed out. That’s the other lesson of friendship. If you don’t work at it, if you don’t put in the effort, you miss out.
I had a life changing experience in October 2023. During this time, I learned who my real friends were. I saw those who showed up and those who didn’t. I saw those who stood by me and those who didn’t. I was surprised by people in both groups. It was an incredible life lesson. When a friend had a similar experience just over a month ago, I made sure to reach out. I made sure that he knew I was in his corner and he wasn’t alone. It doesn’t take a lot of effort to show up and real friends do it. Today I am gratetful that I learned who my real friends are and who showed up. I’m also grateful to know who didn’t show up. Life is too short to waste time on people. I want to invest my time and energy on people that I value and that value me.
I consider myself very lucky. I have a true best friend. I have a friend so close that he is like my brother. I have two friends that I consider sisters. I have a close friend that is my mentor. I have a group of friends that I would do anything for and they would do anything for me. That’s special. It doesn’t have to be unique. It is all about the effort you put into friendship. If you want acquaintances that you call friends, you don’t have to do much. If you want true friends, you have to do a lot. I choose to do a lot. And boy do I get a lot in return.
Friendship is an interesting thing. It’s based on mutual respect and trust. It’s something that is based in faith and belief. There is no way to ‘prove’ that somebody is your friend. There are plenty of times when one person thinks they are friends, and the other person thinks they are acquaintances. Or you say ‘friends’ but don’t really mean you have depth of friendship; it is just easier than saying acquaintances.
Over the past 1 ½ years, I have had the opportunity to learn first-hand about friendship and what it really means to me. When my dad died in September 2022, I saw who reached out, who showed up, and who really cared. When these things happen, it’s always a surprise, as people who I think will show up don’t, and people I never imagined would show up, do. Friendship is about showing up. It’s about being there because you are care about the other person.
Over the last 18 months, my life has taken many twists and turns. There have been ups and downs, challenges, and successes. As life has shown up, so have my real friends. Those who I thought were friends and didn’t show up, indicated that I was wrong. We were merely acquaintances, people with a shared interest, but not friends. It’s been amazing to see the character of different people through this process and it has allowed me to make changes in who I want in my life and who really matters.
This week alone has had a number of instances that highlight true friendship. A good friend of mine’s husband died 3 weeks ago. I knew him as well and while he wasn’t in good health, nobody expected him to die when he did. I reached out when I heard and then called her yesterday to connect and talk. Despite all that she is going through, she wanted to know about me. We connected on a deep level and finished by telling each other “I love you’. It’s a deep and wonderful friendship that I treasure.
Another friend reached out because he is being interviewed for a PBS special and wanted to both tell me he is talking about me and also ask for a picture as they want one to show during the documentary. I was blown away and humbled when he shared this with me. We have been friends since he was an undergraduate student at The University of Florida (UF), and I was running UF Hillel. I made sure he went to Israel as a student and served as a reference for him to do his master’s internship in Israel. We have remained close over the past 20 years, and I let him know exactly what it meant to me that he chose to talk about me. I’ve followed his career and been proud to call him a friend. We check in with each other and check on each other.
I have a few friends that I speak with a few times a week and have done so for decades. We support each other through challenging times and have been there during the good times and the bad. Despite talking 3-4 times per week, it’s always a joy when their name pops up on my phone. I know that I can call them and talk about anything, and they know the same about me. When I think about how important that is, I am astounded that I have so many of them. I always thought I’d be lucky to have one friend like that and I have half a dozen. They truly are like family.
I have my friend who is like a brother – his mom was my mom, his Aunt Jean was my Aunt Jean, my mom is his mom, and my dad was his dad. My brother and sister are his siblings. His wife is like my sister. His kids call me Uncle Keith and mine call him Uncle Aric. It’s a 35-year friendship that goes deep. Either of us will drop anything if needed. We have been through all of life’s challenges together. Getting married, having children, losing parents, career changes, parenthood issues, and so much more.
Aric and me back in the day when we were roommates at Penn State. Can you guess our favorite baseball team?
My friend Todd has been in my life for more than 36 years. We went through the death of his mother and two brother, my dad, both of us meeting our future wives and getting married, having and raising children, two of his kids getting married, our professional journey, and much more. We talk all the time and even have our special guys only cruise each year now to hang out without interruptions. He’s my best friend and completely dependable. We make fun of each other, have lots of incriminating stories about each other we laugh about privately, and are each other’s sounding board. I can’t imagine life without him as a key part of it. How lucky am I?
Todd and I on our guys cruise. His brother Eddie joined us on this one.
My dear friend Ron has been a sounding board and confidante for 30 years. I was there when his wife was diagnosed with terminal cancer, I spoke to her just before she died. When he had major surgery, I spent the day at the hospital with his family to support them and him. He has been there for me in some of the most challenging times of my life and has been a rock when I need a calm head to process things. A number of months ago he had a stroke. While he is recovering, he still has aphasia so it’s very difficult to talk, a drastic change in our relationship. We text daily and when I call and hear his voice, it brings a big smile to my face. We have already proven to each other there is nothing we won’t do to help each other and I treasure that friendship. Our morning texts are always the best way to start the day.
With my friend Ron. We’ve been through it all together.
My friend Harriet and I zoom or talk every week for the past 4 ½ years. We started as part of a formal process in a program we were a part of. We enjoyed each other’s company and insights so much we never stopped. I know she is always just a call away for support and guidance and she knows I am there for her. It’s amazing to have this type of friend, somebody to share personal and professional challenges, excitements, opportunities, happy times, sad times, and challenging times. Sometimes, when things get a bit too crazy, we cut it short to 15 or 30 minutes, just to hear each other’s voice and do a quick check in. It’s a friendship I treasure and the bonus is I got to discover her author husband and his amazing books!!
My friend Harriet and her husband Howie. Check out his books, especially the Jonah Geller series!
What do all of these people have in common? When the chips were down for either of us, they were there for me, and I was there for them. It didn’t matter what else was going on, our relationship and friendship came first. The friendships have been through tough life experiences and proved themselves. They have stood the test and survived and thrived.
The last 18 months have highlighted friendships, both real and imagined. I have seen who my friends really are by their actions. And I have learned who I thought were friends but really aren’t. Those who didn’t show up in a time of need. Those where the relationship did not stand the test and have not survived. These are often sad to realize and can hurt my heart. People who I thought I was close with. People where we shared and provided support in the good times, absent when I faced the challenging ones.
I have learned that life is too short to be caught up and invest time in people, careers, organizations, and other things that don’t provide value. I’ll never forget the first time I learned this with who I thought was a friend. I was sitting on the front porch of a camp bunk while somebody I thought was a good friend started talking bad about me. I was stunned to hear a ‘friend’ talking behind my back this way. It showed me that we really weren’t friends, and I chose not to invest any more time in that relationship. It was incredibly painful but also incredibly impactful.
Most of the time I feel like a kid. It’s hard to reconcile thinking and feeling like I am in my 20s and really being in my mid 50s. The realization that more of my life is behind me than ahead of me was a stark one and truly life changing. It was also incredibly freeing as it meant that I could release the societal expectations of work, career, status, title and look at what I really value. Family, friends, mental and physical health. As I sit in the airport, traveling to Chicago for a family Bat Mitzvah that I might have missed in the past, I am so grateful to my friends who have showed up and been there over the last 18 months. And I’m even grateful for the people who I thought were friends and have learned really aren’t, because they haven’t showed up. They have given me a gift as well.
It makes me think of the lyrics of one of my favorite songs that we used to sing when I was in BBYO, You’ve got a Friend by James Taylor.
When you’re down and troubled And you need some lovin’ care And nothin’, nothin’ is goin’ right Close your eyes and think of me And soon I will be there To brighten up even your darkest night
You just call out my name And you know, wherever I am I’ll come runnin’ To see you again Winter, spring, summer or fall All you have to do is call And I’ll be there You’ve got a friend
If the sky above you Grows dark and full of clouds And that old north wind begins to blow Keep your head together And call my name out loud Soon you’ll hear me knockin’ at your door
You just call out my name And you know, wherever I am I’ll come runnin’, runnin’, yeah, yeah To see you again Winter, spring, summer or fall All you have to do is call And I’ll be there, yes, I will
Now, ain’t it good to know that you’ve got a friend When people can be so cold? They’ll hurt you, yes, and desert you And take your soul if you let them Oh, but don’t you let them
You just call out my name And you know, wherever I am I’ll come runnin’, runnin’, yeah, yeah To see you again Winter, spring, summer or fall All you have to do is call And I’ll be there, yes, I will
You’ve got a friend You’ve got a friend
Ain’t it good to know you’ve got a friend Ain’t it good to know, ain’t it good to know Ain’t it good to know You’ve got a friend
Oh, yeah, now, you’ve got a friend Yeah baby, you’ve got a friend Oh, yeah, you’ve got a friend
That’s the best definition of friendship I have ever found. Whatever the need, whatever is going on, you are always there for each other. I’ve written a lot about morals, ethics, and values. Friendship is all about this. It’s all about understanding what is important and what isn’t. My family and friends come first. Always. I can get another job, find a way to make money, get a different car or house. People are indispensable. As the song I wrote about previously said so beautifully, “You can’t get new, old friends”.
I know who my real friends are. Some surprised me in how they stepped up. Some surprised me in how they didn’t. At the end of the day, all we really have is people and time. I have chosen to value them over everything else. In a world dominated by money, power, prestige, titles, and divisiveness, the lesson I have learned is that it is ok to reject those as important principles and put people first. To live an ethical life is worth more than any amount of money. As I was talking to Harriet today on our weekly call, she commented at how nice it was that I could go to this family Bat Mitzvah and do all the things I have been doing recently. And she was right. The change in attitude and in understanding what is important has given me the gift of freedom that I didn’t even know I was missing.
Friends do that for you. Friends are the lifeblood we all need. Real friends. True friends. Ones that don’t just talk the talk, but those who walk the walk. 2024 is a year all about investing in the people who show they are friends through their actions. I’m so appreciative of those who have shown me they are my real friends and just as appreciative of those who have shown me that they are not. Life is whole lot better when you have the right people in it.
I’m grateful for all the right people I have in my life. You know who you are.
What is the definition of a friend? How do you know who your real friends are? Today’s blog talks about that.
Today is my dad’s (z’l) 80th birthday. Yes, that means he was a February 29th, leap year baby.
My favorite story about his birthday came from his mother, my Grandma Esther. When she took him to enroll in public school, they asked when she chose to celebrate his birthday. She asked why it would matter, as his birthday is his birthday. They told her that if they celebrated his birthday on February 28th, then he could enroll this year. But since that was the cutoff date, if they celebrated it March 1, he had to wait another year to enroll. You guessed it, she told them they celebrated on February 28th!!
My dad believed this 100%
My dad’s real birthdays were always a special celebration in part because they only came once every four years. I remember counting down until I had more birthdays than him (it was when I had my 8th birthday and he had to wait almost 2 full months for his actual 8th birthday! My brother and sister did it as well as did my kids. My son Matthew turned 20 two weeks after my dad died, having celebrated 19 real birthdays. We talked a lot about how he just missed celebrating his 20th before my dad did. Thinking about it now still brings tears to my eyes as it did when we lovingly talked about it.
As we prepare to celebrate his 80th birthday, and we will celebrate it, I find myself missing him a great deal, especially at this time in my life, and thinking of the lessons he taught me and how important they are and how core they are to who I am as a person. I want to share a few with you.
Family is Everything.
My dad (and my mom) not only preached this but lived it on a daily basis. Nothing came before family. For family simchas (celebrations), my parents were always there. Growing up, the entire family was there. With my cousin’s daughter’s Bat Mitzvah coming up, there is no question we’ll be there, just as we were for my other cousin’s son’s Bar Mitzvah last year. Family is everything and you don’t sacrifice family or family time for anything. You do whatever you can and whatever is needed for family.
Family is also not defined by blood. I have ‘Aunts and Uncles’ who are not related by blood. I have ‘brothers and sisters’ who are not related by blood. I have cousins who are more like siblings. My in-laws are second parents and my wife’s family is truly my family. I joke with people about my family because it’s gotten so big because so many people are part of it that aren’t blood related.
When it comes to family, we were taught that you do whatever is needed to help. Period. No, ‘if’s, ands or buts’ as my mom would often say. I’m grateful to my dad and my mom for instilling this in us as children. It’s not only how I live my life, but also what I teach my children, and Family First has been a core philosophy during the 25 years I ran nonprofit organizations.
All together for my parents 50th wedding anniversary
Be ethical – behave as if your mother will see everything you do on the front page of the New York Times.
My dad preached this all the time. When making decisions and making choices, always imagine that your actions or inactions will be on the front page of the NY Times and your mother, and her friends will see it. Is that what I really want my mom to see and read? Is that what I want her friends to be asking her about?
My dad always wanted us to think through our decisions. I can’t count how many times we sat and talked about different situations and went through all the possible outcomes. We’d discuss how we would handle it if this specific thing happened. What if it was something different? How would we handle that? What type of person do you want to be? How do you want people to view you? What values matter to you and how do you consistently act on them.
My long time friends have some great stories about me when I didn’t act that way. When I wouldn’t want my behavior and actions to have been on the front page of the NY Times. Most of those happened in high school and college, which isn’t surprising. That’s when we are testing boundaries, learning limits, and still believe that we are infallible. I use those stories to show my mistakes to my kids. To teach them from the things I didn’t do well how they can do better. They aren’t things I am proud of but they are the things that 13-22 year olds do. We often laugh at them now because they are certainly ridiculous and absurd. And they are the type of things I would never do now.
With my friend (who is a brother) Aric and his future wife Carol Ann. You can tell from this picture we were up to no good. He has a wealth of stories that thankfully he doesn’t tell.
My dad began instilling this in us as young children because I think he knew that it would take time for it to really set into our soul. That we wouldn’t understand as kids but by consistenly reinforcing it and teaching us, we would learn it before we made any catestrophic mistakes. His foresight is greatly appreciated and something I have copied with my children.
Thanks Dad, for making me question my actions and strive to always be ethical in my actions. I’m a better person, husband, father, friend, and colleague because of the time and effort you invested to teach me the importance of living an ethical life.
Be Kind
In recent times, there has been a focus on the need to be kind. In many ways this is due to the fact that so many people are not kind. They behave in ways that are atrocious, unethical, and shameful. The way they treat others is completely unacceptable. My dad taught us to be kind. He taught us that how you treat people says something about you and your character. It doesn’t mean you have to like or respect people, but it is important to treat them with dignity. It’s important to be kind.
This doesn’t mean I need to be a doormat. It means that until or unless somebody shows you that they don’t deserve kindness and respect, you give it to them. And even when they show you that, it’s important to behave in an ethical manner. My dad taught me that it is important to remember that at the end of the day, I have to live with myself and my decisions. This means standing up for what is right, what I believe in, and what are my core values. Although at times it takes work and a lot of effort, I can do this in a kind manner.
After my dad died, one of the things that was said about him the most was that he was a kind man. He had a heart of gold and never wanted to hurt anybody, only to help people. It’s one of the characteristics and personality traits of his that I strive to emulate.
Get Involved – make a difference.
My grandparents taught this to my parents who taught it to me and my siblings. Don’t stand on the sidelines. It is important to get involved and work to improve the world in whatever way you can. That was my dad as my cub scout troop leader when nobody else would do it. It was me coaching my kids’ sports teams. It is getting involved with Jewish life in one way or another. Working to connect with legislators who make the laws that we live with. Volunteering with organizations that do work that matters to you.
My dad taught me that life is a contact sport. Sitting on the sidelines isn’t what life is about. I got involved with a youth group in high school. Fraternity in college. Volunteering throughout my life. Working in the nonprofit world for the past 25+ years. Building relationships with people and always being willing to help them.
I was on the phone yesterday with a friend of a friend who connected us about some work-related topics. As we were talking, she asked if I could help with something totally unrelated to the conversation. My answer was 100% yes. Because that’s what I was taught to do. I was talking to another friend yesterday who thanked me for doing something to help them. I told them they didn’t need to say thank you, that’s what friends do for each other. Because that’s what I was taught.
My grandparents were volunteering in the synagogue, at the Jewish home for the elderly, raising money for JNF, volunteering and knitting slippers and sweaters for kids in the hospital. It was always something. They were involved in their community and their lives were richer as a result. I’ll never forget the stories of Holocaust Survivors sleeping on the floor at my great-grandmother’s house because they had no place to go and she just took them in until they could get settled. My parents ‘adopted’ a family from the former Soviet Union when they finally got out and came to the US. My mom is in touch with them today and they are another part of our family, unrelated by blood.
My kids often laugh at me when I talk about ‘my friend (insert name)’ because often times they have no idea which one I am talking about because they hear so many names. I have to clarify which person it is for them because they have grown up understanding that getting involved and helping others is what we do. It is one way that we can make the world a better place.
Thanks Dad. Thanks Mom. By teaching me this value, you’ve made me a better person and allowed me to impact the world in my own way.
My dad loved Nefesh Mountain and brought them to Tampa as a fundraiser to send kids to Jewish summer camp. It was his last major volunteer project.
Set goals. Setting them is more important than achieving them.
This sounds wrong. Isn’t it about what you achieve? I struggled with this when my dad would talk to me about this when I was a kid. Especially in high school when achievement was everything and effort didn’t seem to matter that much. Once again, he was right, and it just took me a little longer to understand it.
If you don’t set goals, you don’t know where you want to go. And if you don’t know where you want to go, you can end up anywhere. I didn’t understand that as kid. I wanted to go to college, have a career, make money, have a family, buy a house, retire, and enjoy my life. Those were goals and I knew where I wanted to go. But I didn’t know how to get there. It is like the famous Theodore Herzl quote, ‘If you will it, it is no dream.’ Just wanting it isn’t enough. You have to will it. You have to work for it. And if you don’t know the steps to take to get there, you likely won’t get there.
I set goals all the time. Goals for the day, the week, the month, the year. When I am working on a project, I have goals and milestones set to achieve so I can measure my progress. Financial goals for retirement. I have an objective for when my house is paid off, places I want to visit, things I want to do. Without setting the goals, I’d have no way to get to what I want to accomplish.
So yes, achieving the goals is important, but if you don’t set them first, you can’t achieve them. Once again, Dad you were right, it just took me a while to understand it.
People remember who you are, not what you did.
Simon Sinek’s amazing TED Talk, Start with Why, focuses on the fact that people don’t buy what you do, they buy why you do it. My dad knew this concept years before Simon’s TED talk, as he taught us this lesson as children. He was never caught up in what he did, but rather who he was a person. The number of stories we heard about my dad and the impact he had on people was incredible. People remembered who he was. They remembered the time he spent with them. The way he listened to them. The way he would always be there for them when they needed him, no matter what. It was who he was. The fact that he had a very successful career and made an impact in the pharmaceutical industry through research and getting new drugs through the FDA was nice, but it wasn’t what he thought was important.
Throughout my career, I have been most proud of the relationships I have built and the people who have been in my life at different stages that still are a part of my life today. People who used to work for me. Students from UF Hillel. Parents of students. Alumni. I have these interactions almost every week. This week alone it happened about 10 times. That’s not a typo – literally 10 or more just this week. I treasure those conversations and connections. I even told one of them today that I was writing about this in the blog as we connected about different things, talked about family, and it seemed like we had just been together yesterday.
I enjoy having the opportunity to remain in people’s lives for decades. To build and maintain friendships. To be a mentor, advisor, friend, colleague and watch their lives unfold. To be a part of their group and for them to be a part of mine.
After my dad died, the stories people told about him were remarkable. I’d heard the same theme throughout my life however after he died, the number of people who had those stories was truly remarkable. He was somebody who was there for everybody. He was known to sit down next to you, pat your thigh and ask, “So what’s going on good?” And then he listened. He heard them. He spent time understanding what they were really talking about and what they were really asking. And then he provided some suggestions and guidance that they could take or not. Most of the time they took it and expressed their gratitude.
One of my friends met my dad only once. He didn’t have a relationship with his own father and was astounded by the relationship I had with my father. He would always remind me of the interaction with my dad and how much it impacted him. He would imitate my dad when he told him, “Call me Barry.” That’s who he was to everybody. He was the person anybody and everybody could reach out to talk with, to share challenges with who would listen and give you 100% of his attention. He was a friend and confidante to so many people. I don’t think any of us realized just how wide and broad his impact in this role was until after he died.
People don’t buy what you do, they buy why you do it. People remember who you are, not what you did. Simon Sinek and Barry Dvorchik (z’l).
My dad and his 2 (biological) sons. He had many more who considered him to either be dad or Uncle Barry
February 29th will always be a special day for me. In many ways I’m glad that it only comes every 4 years, although having celebrated his birthday on February 28th most years means there still is a day that I will miss him even more. I’m very lucky to have had him as a dad and for the wisdom he imparted that I continue to hear in my head and continue to follow.
So today, February 29, 2024, do something special for Barry. Spend some extra time with your family. Call your kids or your parents or your grandparents just to say you love them. Talk with your siblings for no reason other than you love them, and if you have a strained relationship with family, make a commitment to work towards repairing it. He’s up there watching and nothing would make him happier than seeing people investing in their family in his name. And do what he loved to do more than anything…. start dinner by eating dessert first!
I love and miss you dad. Happy heavenly birthday.
One of my favorite pictures with my dad. This was at Evan’s Bar Mitzvah and we were filled with joy.
Change isn’t easy. It’s new, it’s different, and often comes with pain, either because it’s something we don’t want or because it’s something that hurts that forces us to see things differently and behave differently. As we approach the new year, 2024, it’s a time many people make resolutions for the new year. Things they will change. A number of years ago I made the last one, and one I have kept ever since. I vowed to stop making New Year’s Resolutions?
Why did I do that? Most of these are aspirational with no intent to actually make the changes. The impetus is a date on the calendar, not a desire for real change, and as a result, they simply don’t work. By not making any more new year’s resolutions, I empowered myself to make the changes in my life when they are needed rather than because it’s now January 1st of a new year.
As I look back at the past year, it gives me a chance to look at the changes I have made and the impact they have had and what I hope they will have as I move forward.
On September 6, 2022, my father died. I have been lucky in my life to have wonderful relationships with my parents, and this was a transformative moment in my life. My dad was who I went to for advice and guidance. He was a role model. With him no longer physically here, change was needed in my life. I had to find others who could help provide the guidance that my dad offered for nearly 55 years. My Uncle Marty, my close friends Todd and Ron. People who I had long standing, trusted relationships went to a deeper level.
I began to question what was really important in my life. What mattered to me. I made a commitment to increase the amount of time I spent with my family as time had become the most important thing in my life. I wanted to improve my health, lose weight, and get better reports from my doctors. None of this happened overnight, but it all happened because of the combination of the pain from the loss of my dad and the strong desire for something different. I lost 55 pounds, my health improved, and my doctors were beyond thrilled, and I chose to invest more time with my family, taking advantage of what I could. As my oldest son left the house this morning to return to Tennessee because they needed him back a week early, I was filled with gratitude for the time we did get to spend and look forward to the next opportunity. Pain, something we all do our best to avoid, forced change, something we also tend to avoid, to improve my life, which all want but often aren’t willing to do the work to make happen.
I changed my career. As somebody who spent 25 years working in the Jewish non-profit sector, it was something I enjoyed and something that was core to my identity. I had thought of doing something else many times but never actually made it happen. Fear? Insecurity? Uncertainty? Change is often forced upon us and then we have the choice to rise to the challenge or not. I’m excited about the new future and what it means. I have more time with my family, more time to address improving my health and fitness. Less stress. When my mom said to me, “I was waiting to get the call that you had a heart attack.” it was a wake-up call. It’s a new future ahead with things I cannot foresee and yet, I am more excited about it than I have been in a long while. Change can be scary and exhilarating, uncertain and exciting. How we choose to approach it, what our attitude is and what we are willing to often determine our success.
October 7 was a sea change for me and many others. As I watched the news unfold, as I communicated with friends and family in Israel via WhatsApp during the day, I was horrified, scared, angry, and stunned. I’ll never forget the video of people murdered in their cars and they zoomed in on a minivan with the father, dead and slumped forward on the steering wheel while his young daughter, clinging to his back, was slumped dead against him. It’s a horrifying image that is burned into my brain. I saw the 47-minute Hamas video and those images are forever in my memory. I have connections through friends to at least four hostages who thankfully have been returned to Israel. October 7 was deeply personal in a way I never expected or wanted.
As somebody who was already a very public Jew due to my career, being more public wasn’t a real change. But choosing to invest in being Jewish in my actions was something I could do. I had begun learning with a Rabbi and have continued to do that weekly with a bigger zest and interest. Sometimes I’ll even learn with 2 Rabbis in a week because it’s interesting to hear different perspectives. My tefillin is out and gets used (not daily as some change comes slowly). I don’t identify with any particular denomination any longer – I am a Jew and that’s enough. I am not a jewelry person, yet I bought a new Mogen David (Star of David) from Israel that has the State of Israel as the center of the star and wear it proudly and visible when many others are feeling the need to keep theirs hidden due to safety concerns. I have ordered some additional pieces from Israel, both for my own identity and to support Israeli artists. The guy who hates jewelry is now wearing Jewish jewelry.
I have always been somebody who felt that people were the most important thing in the world. Throughout my life and my career, I have always invested in people. I have some long term friends that I have known literally all my life to those who I’ve been friends with for 20 and 30 years. My kids often joke about their ‘relatives’ that aren’t really related to them. Alice and Jerry (z’l), Amy, Gabi, Karen, and their kids. Uncle Aric and Aunt Carol. My best friend Todd. Ron and Sandy z’l (z’l). It’s very common for them to not ask ‘how are we related?’ but ‘are we really related?’ when these names come up.
I have people that I have worked with from 25 years ago that I still keep in touch with and are still friends. These relationships are ones that I treasure (and those who worked with me or were students at UF when I was at Hillel or at Federation in Seattle or the JCC or Federation in Orlando know exactly what I mean and who you are.) We still talk on a regular basis, sometimes out of the blue and sometimes every few weeks. While not a change, my commitment to people has increased in the last year. Investing in them. Helping them. Being their friend regardless of anything else. October 7th reminded me just how precious those friendships are. The messages on my birthday reminded me how precious those friendships are. People reaching out after my dad died made me realize how incredibly luck and wealthy I am, not because of money or things, but because of people. My career shift highlighted the people who reached out to talk and ask questions. Here are just four examples from the past 5 days that highlight this (I could give many more):
Thursday I spent an hour on a zoom with my friend Harriet.For the past 3 years or so we meet on zoom every week to talk about life, work, stress, family, and the just be friends.It started as part of a cohort and we just never stopped.It’s often the highlight of my week just for the personal connection.
Friday I spent an hour on a zoom with my friend Shelley, catching up on life, talking about our families, our other friends, our careers, things we have considered doing, things we are doing, and just being together for the hour enjoying each others company.
Monday I reached out to a number of friends to wish them a Merry Christmas. One of them, Jamal, let me know that he is writing a book that will be published in 2024 and that he references me in the book and will share it with me before it’s published. I was beyond humbled and overwhelmed by this.
About a week ago, I messaged my friend Yaron, who is a leader in the IDF reserves that I know is on the front line in Gaza. I didn’t expect a prompt reply, or maybe any reply, because of what he is tasked with doing. Monday he replied, apologizing for the delay, which also humbled me. He is currently the operations officer for the Gaza Division so you can imagine what he is living. While he will never talk about it, I heard from other friends that on October 7th, he grabbed his gun and raced into the fight against the Hamas terrorists, helping defend Israelis by taking on the terrorists. He thanked me for reaching out, for keeping him in my thoughts and that he mattered that much to me. We messaged and began making plans to get together after the war, both when I am in Israel and when he is in the United States. His heroism awes me. The fact that my message to him, asking about him and hoping he is ok and safe and that the war ends both successfully and soon, meant so much to him is proof of the power of people.
At the end of the day, change isn’t easy or fun, but is rewarding. People are the key to change. The relationships we build today can last a lifetime. They help us get through change. They help us get through the pain of things like losing a parent, a massacre on October 7th, dealing with a war where friends are on the front lines, and the challenges of daily life. As we come to the close of 2023, I find myself most proud of three things.
The relationship with my parents and my siblings.
The relationship with my wife and children.
The relationship with my friends, colleagues, and former students.
No amount of money can enter the top 3. No amount of success can enter the top 3. Nothing material truly matters until after those 3. I’m humbled and grateful and look forward to a better 2024.
Over the past 25 years, I have attended the AIPAC Policy Conference many times. Having the opportunity to listen to incredible speakers, attend great breakout sessions, and lobby on Capitol Hill always made it a highlight.
I have great memories of taking 40+ students from The University of Florida to the conference year after year. Meeting with key Florida politicians and influential leaders for photos. Our Saturday night dinner in Chinatown became legendary and the donor who underwrote it would fly up for the dinner and not stay for the conference, just to interact with the students. I met my friend and teacher, Dr. Ken Stein, at AIPAC Policy Conference after attending his sessions and being blown away with the information he presented. That is now close to a 20-year friendship.
Perhaps the most important thing that I learned at the AIPAC Policy Conference came in 2009, when the theme was “Relationships Matter”. I met my friend Reverend Ken Flowers at that conference. I was named one of AIPAC’s Campus Allies at that conference. Neither of them were the most important thing at that conference. The topic, “Relationships Matter” was the most important thing from that conference.
That was a transformational moment for me as I began to understand the need to build relationships across all levels. People of different religions, cultures, political beliefs, etc. What hit me strongly was that in order to be successful we needed to bridge divides, have real relationships with people, and get involved BEFORE you asked for anything in return. In a country and a world which was already transactional and one that has since become even more transactional, these real relationships matter. They are what change the world.
Over the past 14 years, that is what I have strived to do. I have relationships with political leaders of both major parties. Friendships with these people. I reach out because of the relationship, not because I want or need anything. And they reach out as well. I love getting a Hanukkah card from the White House, regardless of who is the President. When my Senator sends me a little handwritten note about something, it has special meaning. When my member of the US House of Representatives texts me a note or a question, it is part of real relationship. When members of the Florida House of Representatives text or we talk, it is not because I’m trying to get them to vote a certain way but rather because we engage in old fashioned conversation.
I have friends who are leaders in the Christian and Muslim community. Leaders in African-American community and the LBGTQ+ community. I have friends who are Arabs and Christians living in East Jerusalem, Bethlehem, and Nablus. I have spent time talking and learning from people who were raised to hate Jews and joined violent organizations that attacked Jews, some of them even murdered Jews in Israel, before undergoing a transformation and striving to learn and build relationships with people they never even considered people. I’ve previously written about one of them, Ali Abu Awaad, who inspires me regularly with his work towards Palestinian non-violence and finding a new way to build a different relationship with Israel that can lead to a long lasting peace.
Early this morning I got a message from my friend who is a leader in the local Muslim community. We became friends a few years ago and have done some volunteer work together. I have visited his mosque a number of times and feel comfortable there. He has gone through some personal challenges recently and I regularly check on him. His current volunteer work needs some help and so, as his friend, I am helping. His note this morning was:
Good Morning Keith. I am at the mosque for the morning prayer and I remembered you. I will
say a prayer for you. Stay blessed.
Thought of the day
“Love is the devotion to the well-being of others without regard to the cost.”
My heart filled with joy as I read it because my friend not only thought of me on a random Saturday morning but was moved to include me in his prayers and share a little wisdom.
My friends are like a bag of skittles – all colors, flavors, and types. The commonality they all have is the type of person that they are. As the Reverend Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. famously said:
“I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.”
That’s how I pick my friends. The content of their character. That is how I invest in relationships. The content of their character. That’s how people inspire me. The content of their character.
Recently I have been surprised and inspired by the words of a major public figure. It usually takes a lot to surprise me, but US Senator John Fetterman has done so. I was not impressed when he ran for Senate. For the first part of his term, I only saw somebody who appeared to be hanging around, almost mocking what it mean to be a US Senator. In the aftermath of October 7th, I realize how wrong I was and how I was not judging him by the content of his character but rather the image that was presented. Senator Fetterman has spoken out powerfully and clearly about the terrorist group Hamas. He speaks out regularly about the need for all the hostages taken by Hamas to be released. He hung the pictures of all the hostages in his office. He doesn’t celebrate the violence and terror of October 7th nor does he celebrate the horrors of the war since then. He doesn’t demand a cease-fire that will accomplish nothing but more future terror and death but speaks the truth – if Hamas returns all the hostages and surrenders, there will be a cease fire. But not before. He is taking major criticism from many in his party because of this yet he continues to hold true to his values. He is truly showing us the content of his character.
In today’s crazy world where it is easy to judge somebody by the 10 second clip they play on the news (often out of context) or the way a certain news channel may present them, or how a journalist chooses to frame a story, Senator Fetterman has reminded me that relationships matter. That getting to know people before judging them matters. That investing time and energy into a relationship, whether your world views agree or collide, is beneficial and important.
As I begin my new career arc, I often get asked what’s my favorite part of the work. My answer is consistent. I get to work with people that I like and respect. I get to help people accomplish their goals and the goals for their organization. I get to work for clients that I want to work for, and we get to build a relationship together. I choose to not have them be transactional relationships but something deeper. It’s meaningful. And isn’t that what life is all about? Finding meaning? That theme in 2009 was so accurate. Relationships Matter.
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