Today we went to Hostage Square and heard from the fathers of two hostages and the aunt of another. The videos say more than I can ever say. Watch, listen, and feel.
I hope you watch all the videos. They are incredibly powerful and moving. My heart broke listening to the fathers speak. Yours will too
In the early to mid 1990s, Hootie and the Blowfish hit the scene with some great music. The lead singer was of course Hootie. Except he wasn’t. His name is Darius Rucker but even today, people still refer to him as Hootie. Until he transitioned from rock/pop to country music. It seemed to be a strange transition and as a fan of Hootie and the Blowfish’s music, I wondered if I would enjoy the new Country Music of Darius Rucker. I didn’t expect that I would. And I was wrong – I love it! He takes the best of his music style and adds the country music twist to it to create a new sound that also has the deep lyrics and messages of country music. This week, I decided to analyze the lyrics from his 2010 hit, This.
The song begins:
Got a baby girl sleepin’ in my bedroom
And her momma laughing in my arms
There’s a sound of rain on the rooftop
And the game’s about to start
I don’t really know how I got here
But I’m so glad that I did
And it’s crazy to think that one little thing
Could have changed all of this.
I love that the song begins with such a normal setup. A child asleep in the bedroom. Her mother laughing in his arms. It’s raining outside and he can hear the patter of rain hitting the roof. So many of us have been in that exact situation in our lives many times. I can’t think of the number of times I was sitting on the couch, the kids asleep in their rooms, my wife in arm on the couch, as it was raining outside, and we listened to the rain hitting the roof. The only thing missing in the song, ironically for a country music song, is the dog laying on the floor by my feet! The normalcy of the situation is comforting. The game is about to start. Such a beautiful image in the first 4 lines.
I am sure most of us can related to the next line. I don’t really know how I got here. When I look back at my life, it’s hard to believe how much time has passed, where I am in my life, and how I got here. It doesn’t seem that long ago that I was in middle and high school. The big party I had at my house in Harrisburg that we still talk about seems recent, not 40 years ago. How can anything in my life be 40 years ago? Married for nearly 26 years? Two kids in their 20s, one a college grad finishing his master’s degree while the other is about to start his senior year of college. Friends from 30 and 40 and even 50 years ago that are grandparents now. I remember being in high school and listening to the Talking Heads song Once in a Lifetime and singing out loud the famous line, “And you may ask yourself, “Well, how did I get here?” Now I find myself truly asking, “How did I get here?”
I love the last 3 lines. First, I am so glad that I am where I am. Truly grateful. When I look back upon my life, there were many decision points that led me to this place at this time. And in a vacuum, I might go back and change a number of them because in hindsight, by themselves, they may not seem like the best choice. I look back and wish that I had spent a semester studying in Israel during college. I wish that I had done a gap year after college in Israel and perhaps served in the IDF as a 21 year. I made career decisions throughout my life that when I look back, I wonder what it may have been like had I chosen differently. But in the end, I am grateful I am here and had I not made every one of the choices that I did, I wouldn’t be right where I am today. Had I spent a semester abroad in college, maybe I would have done the gap year and served in the IDF. Maybe I would have made Aliyah after that. I’d have missed time with my grandparents and parents. I’d never have met my wife or had the children that I have. So yes, it would be meaningful to have had that experience, but I wouldn’t trade having that experience for the life I have today. And that’s the reality of the end of the verse. It is crazy to think that one little thing could have changed everything. Studying abroad for a semester in 1987 or 1988 may have led to me making Aliyah, having a completely different life, wife, and children. Choosing to stay in accounting rather than go back to get my Master’s Degree in counseling would have led to a different career, not moving to Florida when I did, and another totally different life. We make so many decisions every single day and never realize just how important and impactful each one is to the life we end up living. And I love the life I have today and am grateful for every decision that has led me here, even when the results ended up not being what I wanted at that time, because the results ended up getting me here, where I am grateful to be. That is the butterfly effect – the idea that small things can have non-linear impacts on a complex system. The concept is imagined with a butterfly flapping its wings and causing a typhoon.
Maybe it didn’t turn out like I planned
Maybe that’s why I’m such, such a lucky man
For every stoplight I didn’t make
Every chance I did or I didn’t take
All the nights I went too far
All the girls that broke my heart
All the doors that I had to close
All the things I knew but I didn’t know
Thank God for all I missed
‘Cause it led me here to this
There is no question that it didn’t turn out like I planned. And no question that it is why I am such a lucky man. I have learned over the years that my view of things tends to be very short term. I can never really see the long-term impact of regular decisions until much later when life plays out. Seemingly insignificant choices end up with huge, often life altering, results.
When I was in Seattle, we came back to Florida to visit my parents in Tampa. As it happens, one of my dear friends, Sandy, was in the hospital in Tampa because she was having problems they couldn’t figure out. Her husband Ron, one of my best friends in the world, let me know where they were, so I went to see them. During my visit to their room, the doctor came in with a devastating diagnosis. Glioblastoma. 6 months to live was the normal expectation. As we all stood there in shock as this vibrant, healthy woman received terrible information, I was able to be the one there for both Ron and Sandy to help them process this shocking information. I had moved across the country to Seattle. I just happened to be visiting Tampa when she went to the hospital, in Tampa (they lived in Winter Haven). And I happened to be visiting at the exact time when they got the diagnosis. What are the odds? Nearly 5 years later, as Sandy way outlived expectations, I called to say my goodbyes. She couldn’t speak to me but could hear me as I talked to her. About 30 minutes later, she died. Again, what are the odds? If I had done an errand before calling, I would have been too late. As the song states in this verse, “For every stoplight I didn’t make, every chance I did or I didn’t take, all the nights I went too far, all the girls that broke my heart, all the doors that I had to close, all the things I knew but I didn’t know.” Every single choice we make in life takes us on the path we are supposed to be on and makes us who we are today.
My senior year of college, my girlfriend and I were very serious. We went looking at engagement rings together, found one she loved, and I almost bought it. She wanted me to buy it. The jewelry store owner wanted me to buy. I even wanted to buy it. And the owner of the store made it financially possible for me to buy it. But for some reason I didn’t. About two months later we ended up breaking up and my life went on a different path. How different would my life be today if I had bought that ring? Would we have gotten married? Had kids? I believe we would have ended up being divorced. Would I ever have moved to Florida? Certainly not in 1992 like I did. My career path would have been different. Everything about my life would have been different with that one different choice.
So, like the song says, Thank God for all I missed, ‘cause it led me here to this.
For many, many years I have believed the life is a tapestry and we only see the back end as we move along. We see the flaws. We see the strings and the extra yard or wool or silk. It isn’t until we reach the right point that it is turned over and we see the beauty that we have created by living through what we saw as the mess. Darius Rucker hits it right on the head with this song – everything we have today is because of every single small decision point along the path of life. There is no need to regret any of these decisions because we wouldn’t be who we are, we wouldn’t be where we are, without every single one of them.
Like the girl that I loved in high school
Who said she could do better
Or the college I wanted to go to
Till I got that letter
All the fights and the tears and the heartache
I thought I’d never get through
And the moment I almost gave up
All led me here to you
I didn’t understand it way back when
But sittin’ here right now
It all makes perfect sense
This verse gives us more examples. It’s as if he knows that we will struggle with accepting that every single choice along the way is what got us here. And that by changing any single one of them, we won’t be who we are, where we are, today. In high school, I fell in love with Duke University. I had my heart set on going there. I applied early decision and wore my sweatshirt that my mom and I bought on our campus visit every week at a minimum. I was 100 percent sure that I was going to Duke for college. I applied a few other places, but I knew I was going to Duke. When I studied abroad in November 1984, I got my acceptance letter to Penn State. My friends who were in England took me out to celebrate, but honestly, I didn’t care. I wasn’t going to Penn State. I was going to Duke. What did it matter that I got in there? Of course, as you have realized, I didn’t get in to Duke. I ended up going to Penn State, where I met my best friends who are like brothers to me. My life was completely altered for the better because I didn’t get what I wanted and got what I needed. If I could go back and change things so that magically I would get into Duke and go there, I would not do it. I would be a completely different person living a completely different life if I had a gone to Duke for college. And I like who I am today and the life I have today. I wouldn’t trade it for anything.
Life has its ups and downs and plenty of challenges. As the song says, there were plenty of times that I wasn’t sure that I would be able to get through whatever it was I was facing at that time. I remember a number of them, as I sat alone, crying, and wondering what was going to happen now. I almost gave up many times in many situations. But I didn’t give up. I did manage to make it through. The same as many of you reading this were able to get through the things that, at the time, you thought were insurmountable. In fact, as we look back, we may even find it silly that we thought we couldn’t get through these things, but that was who we were at that time. As we sit here right now, it makes perfect sense. Yet tomorrow, when we face the struggles and challenges that arise in our life, will we be able to remember that it really does all make sense, just not today? Will we remember to thank God for all we miss, for the windows that open when the door we preferred gets shut? Or will we be stuck looking at the back side of the tapestry, thinking that the mess we are looking at is really the art that will be final?
Oh I cried when my momma passed away
And now I got an angel
Looking out for me today
So nothing’s a mistake
I have reached a point in my life where I know that I am closer to the end of it than the beginning. It’s not as depressing a thought as I expected it to be. As I look back, I am so lucky to have had so many amazing people in my life for the time that I had them. Grandma Esther and Grandpa Si. Grandma Ev and Grandpa Len. Grandma Rose. Grandma Florence and Grandpa Morris. Grandma Cora and Grandpa Ralph. They are my grandparents, my wife’s grandparents, and my great-grandmother. My cousin Eric, who was my age and tragically died at the age of 27 in 1995. My cousin Todd who died of an overdose in 2015 at the age of 42. My niece Madeline, who died a few weeks after her birth. My big brother in the fraternity, Jeff, who died young. My Uncle Joe, who died at the ‘old’ age of 50 (I was 21 at the time and thought 50 was a good long life – how foolish we are when we are young.) I wish this was the entire list but life doesn’t work that way. We have the chance to build special relationships in our life and they end when they end.
Of course, my father died in September 2022. This has been the hardest of all for me, both because of the relationship we had and how much I was able to depend on him for guidance and advice. I have cried a lot about my dad, both when it happened and ongoing since then. I do believe he, and others, are my angels looking out for me. I do believe that my dad and others continue to teach me as they were so influential in my life and development that it is as if I can ask them the question and they will answer.
I agree that nothing is a mistake. It may not be what I wanted at the time. It may not be what I would prefer. It may not be enjoyable either at the moment it happens or ever. Yet everything that happens in life shapes us into the person we are. We have the things we have in our life today because of every one of these choices. The ones we made and the ones we didn’t make. The ones we knew we were making and the ones we never even noticed.
The song ends with a repeat of the chorus and while I typically omit the chorus when it repeats, in this instance, I think it’s important to cite it one more time.
Every stoplight I didn’t make
Every chance I did or I didn’t take
All the nights I went too far
All the girls that broke my heart
All the doors that I had to close
Everything I knew but I didn’t know
Thank God for all I missed
‘Cause it led me here to this
It led me here to this
It’s a reminder that we face so many decisions every day in our life. It seems as if some matter and some don’t’. They all matter. They all help us become the person that we are today. They give us the life that we have today. Since my father died, I have faced a number of challenging life situations. It has shown me who in my life really cares and who was really transactional. It has also taught me that if I value people, it is MY obligation to reach out and tell them. It is MY responsibility to call or text them, even if just to say hi and I was thinking of you. I know first-hand how much those calls and texts mean. I know that sometimes they are the difference in somebody else’s life. I have the ability to take the chances, to act, and to not allow excuses of things that don’t really matter get in the way. Or I can choose not to take that action and let people fade away from my life.
This song makes me ask myself the following:
Who do I want to be?
What are my values?
What do I stand for?
How do I show my gratitude for being who I am today and for the life that I get to live today?
Am I happy with the person I am and the life that I have today? When I answer this last question with a resounding YES, it means I am accepting of every little decision or choice I have made, knowingly or unknowingly, because without them, I would not be the person I am today nor would I have the life that I have.
This week is another Tim McGraw song. This one, “Humble and Kind”, is from 2016, once again highlighting how far behind I am in discovering country music legends. I chose this for many reasons, as you will see below. If you want to watch the video, I have included it.
The lyrics begin:
You know there’s a light that glows by the front door
Don’t forget the key’s under the mat
When childhood stars shine
Always stay humble and kind
Growing up, the key was always under the mat. At my house or at my friends’ homes. Everybody knew it, nobody took advantage. It was a different time. More than just having a key under the mat, the door was always open if you needed a place to go. Many times, I had friends who needed to get out of their house and a safe place to hang out and sleep over. My house was that place. My parents would often joke that they didn’t know who was staying for dinner or who was gonna be there for breakfast. They cared only to the extent that they wanted our house to always be a safe place for our friends.
It was a great lesson growing up. Treat everybody the same. It doesn’t matter what their home life is like, how much money they have, what type of prestige their family may or may not have. People are people, friends are friends. It was one of my first lessons in kindness and has left a deep impact on me and my siblings. It was also a lesson in humility, one that I didn’t really understand until much later in life. My parents didn’t do this for recognition. It wasn’t something that was publicized amongst their peers in the neighborhood. It was private. It was personal. It was about taking care of the kids, our friends, and making sure they had what they needed. It was truly them being humble and kind. It is why my childhood friends all have such strong respect and love for my parents to this day.
Go to church ’cause your mamma says to
Visit grandpa every chance that you can
It won’t be wasted time
Always stay humble and kind
This verse highlights three very important things. First, listen to your parents. When I reached my teens, all of a sudden I was brilliant and knew everything. My parents knew nothing. Listening to their guidance became optional for me and they had to force me to listen with threats of being grounded, losing access to a car, money, or the ability to go and do the things I wanted to do. So, in this little, throw-away addition to the first line, the lesson is provided. Listen to your parents. They may seem old, boring, and not up to date with what’s happening in the world today. And they may be. But they also have the wisdom of life’s experiences and can help you avoid many pitfalls. I often ask myself what my parents would say to me and when I am not sure, I call my mom for her guidance. I always wish I could still call my dad.
The second lesson is the importance of spirituality in our lives. It doesn’t matter if you prefer church, synagogue, the mosque, temple, nature, the beach, or anything else. Finding spirituality in your life provides a grounding base for life. Life is filled with ups and downs, risks, and consequences. Having that spiritual base provides comfort. It opens the door to supportive relationships with others on that spiritual journey. As we go on the journey of life, having a spiritual base anchors us, and provides us stability. So, listen to your mamma, go to church (or synagogue or the mosque or the temple or experience nature or the beach), and build a spiritual base. As you get older you can pick your own spiritual journey if the one you started on with your family doesn’t resonate.
Finally, visit grandpa. It’s not just grandpa. It is grandma, aunts, uncles, cousins, and all your relatives. The time spent with family isn’t wasted time. As I think of my childhood, growing up spending significant time with all four of my grandparents, my great grandmother Rose, my aunts and uncles, and my cousins, I am so grateful for it. I think of going with my grandpa Si to visit his father, my ‘Poppy’. Poppy was already in his 90s when I remember him. He didn’t move well, he didn’t speak much. We would go over to see him, for my grandpa to give him a shave, and for me to sit on his lap as his great grandson. I remember the day he died and how sad I was to not be able to see him any longer. I was only six years old and when I talk about him with my brother, who is three years younger than me, he doesn’t even remember visiting him.
I think of the many lessons all of my grandparents taught me. Their love, guidance and support is something that I treasure. I watched my parents with my children emulate them. I watched the way my in-laws interact as their parents did with my wife and her sisters. It becomes a generational connection with the lessons of family, love, respect, honor, humility, and kindness being transmitted from one generation to another. I look forward to the day when I become a grandfather and have that opportunity to fulfill that role. I know that my great-grandparents, my grandparents, and my parents will be on my shoulders guiding me, helping to ensure that my grandchildren are also humble and kind people as they grow up and enter the world.
Hold the door, say “please”, say “thank you”
Don’t steal, don’t cheat, and don’t lie
I know you got mountains to climb
But always stay humble and kind
My Grandma Ev and my mom, her daughter, were always on us about manners. Holding the door. Saying please and thank you. Writing thank you notes. Helping to clean up after meals. If we ever referred to my mom as ‘she’, we were told that is the cat (we never had a cat) and were to use proper names. I can still hear them saying, “What’s the magic word?” (the answer is please), I remember in middle school when we took home economics, the issue of manners was an easy one for me because it was drilled into me at home. It’s something that I have endeavored to do with my children as well. It doesn’t take much to have manners, just some effort.
The other lesson this part of the song highlights for me is to have morals and ethics. My grandparents would emphasize this all the time. Who you are when nobody is looking is who you are. What you do when nobody sees is what shows your morals, values, and ethics. If you want to be a good person, then you do it all the time, not just when people are watching. The future is unlimited, and we were taught not to take shortcuts to get there. No stealing, cheating, or lying. We learned early on that we got in much more trouble for lying than telling the truth. I remember getting caught cheating on a test in high school and getting in much more trouble for that than failing the exam and getting a bad grade that marking period. As kids, when we would take something from a store without paying, we were made to not just return it but to apologize to the store owner. Raising my children, I have done the same thing and shared the same messages. I’m proud of the people my sons are. How they live their lives and live their values. And I know my grandparents are looking down and smiling, knowing it was their influence.
We have bright and exciting futures ahead of us, no matter where we are in life. It’s important to remember that throughout the journey we must remain humble and kind.
When the dreams you’re dreamin’ come to you
When the work you put in is realized
Let yourself feel the pride
But always stay humble and kind
As I just wrote, we have bright and exciting futures. In the words of Theodore Herzl, “If you will it, it is no dream.” So, the dreams we have require work to realize. My grandparents and parents always taught me that. The effort was more important than the results since the only thing we can control is our own effort. When I got an A but didn’t study, it didn’t impress my parents. If I worked really hard and ended up with a B, they were incredibly proud. The same was true in sports. Working hard to improve was more important than being the star. It’s the work you put in that means everything. It also may result in achieving your dreams.
I remember my first semester in grad school, I got 2 A’s and 2 B’s. My advisor called me to his office and told me that serious graduate students didn’t get B’s. I took that to heart and for the rest of that degree, I worked harder and got all A’s. It was the effort that mattered.
This lyric reminds us of that. We can be proud of our results. Graduating high school, college, graduate school, law school, medical school, or building a successful business are all wonderful achievements. The important part is the work we put in. So go ahead and feel the pride of the accomplishment but more importantly, recognize the effort that went into achieving the goal. That’s what really matters. So don’t be full our ourselves for the accomplishment. Instead, be humble and kind, because it’s the effort that really matters, not the accomplishment. Celebrate the effort, appreciate the gift of the accomplishment.
Don’t expect a free ride from no one
Don’t hold a grudge or a chip and here’s why
Bitterness keeps you from flyin’
Always stay humble and kind
I love how these lyrics build off each other. Just as I finish writing about how it’s the effort that matters, not the outcome, the song emphasizes this with stating there is no free ride. Nobody gives you anything, it’s all earned. So if you are going to have to earn what you get, don’t hold grudges or live with a chip on your shoulder. Living with bitterness only diminishes ourselves. It doesn’t hurt the other person. It’s like being angry at somebody and punching yourself in the face. They don’t feel a thing, but we sure do.
If our goal in life is to enjoy every minute, why would we want to limit ourself because of other people? Why would we want to let other people rent space in our heads without paying for it? That’s why the song reminds us to stay humble and kind. By doing that, we aren’t letting somebody else control our lives. We aren’t giving our power away to somebody we don’t even like. It’s an important life lesson for happiness. Often we think that our ego will make us feel good when in reality, it’s being humble and kind, focusing on our own part and not worrying about other people’s behavior.
Know the difference between sleeping with someone
And sleeping with someone you love
“I love you” ain’t no pick-up line
So always stay humble and kind
‘”I love you” ain’t no pick-up line’ is such a powerful statement. In today’s world, love becomes a word that is thrown around too often and recklessly. It was the key word to use when you were trying to sleep with somebody. Telling them you loved them was the key statement. If you were able to throw that out there, sex was the likely outcome. But then you were stuck with the impact of your words.
It reminds me of one of my favorite songs, Paradise by the Dashboard Light by Meatloaf.
How often do I get to use a song as I analyze the lyrics of another song? In Paradise, the end of the song is the perfect example of this.
I couldn’t take it any longer
Lord I was crazed
And when the feeling came upon me
Like a tidal wave
I started swearing to my god and on my mother’s grave
That I would love you to the end of time
I swore that I would love you to the end of time!
So now I’m praying for the end of time
To hurry up and arrive
‘Cause if I gotta spend another minute with you
I don’t think that I can really survive
I’ll never break my promise or forget my vow
But God only knows what I can do right now
I’m praying for the end of time
It’s all that I can do
Praying for the end of time,
So I can end my time with you!
The risk of throwing the phrase ‘I love you’ out there recklessly is that if you have morals and ethics, you get stuck. Meatloaf said it to get what he wanted and now is ‘praying for the end of time.” Our desires to sleep with someone instead of sleeping with someone you love can be compared to many of our choices where we go against our morals, ethics, and values. When we stick to them, when we remain humble and kind, we don’t have to worry about praying for the end of time. Kindness and humility doesn’t just help others, it helps us.
When it’s hot, eat a root beer popsicle
Shut off the AC and roll the windows down
Let that summer sun shine
Always stay humble and kind
As the song begins to conclude, the lyrics get more general about life itself Appreciate what we have when we have it. When its hot, have something cool. Enjoy the moment. Don’t worry about what we don’t have, focus on what we have. Grab the opportunity with two hands and enjoy every moment of it.
I remember growing up and spending summers at my grandparents’ house. The ice cream (or Good Humor as my grandfather would say) man would come every day and getting that popsicle or ice cream on a hot afternoon was everything. It was simple. It was delicious. It was special. Asking for that dime (and then quarter as I got older, and prices went up) was a big deal. Running after the truck, catching it, and walking away satisfied made the entire day. It’s hard to believe today, but AC wasn’t a given back then. Fans would be moving the air, windows would be open, and we would wear shorts and t-shirts. TV was only on at night, starting with the news. That summer sun shone and we took advantage of it and enjoyed every moment.
It’s a life lesson for today. Forget about video games, screens, monitors, and staying inside. Sit outside and read a book. Go for a walk. Play outside with friends. Go for a swim. Be with other people in person. Don’t use zoom or facetime or internet and headphones with a video game. Be in person. Interact with other people. Pay attention to their nonverbal communication because you are really ‘with’ them, not just in the same place virtually.
Be humble about the toys and the technology. Be kind with your time. There is nothing like being together in person with people. Don’t ever forget that.
Don’t take for granted the love this life gives you
When you get where you’re going don’t forget turn back around
And help the next one in line
Always stay humble and kind
The closes with an important reminder. Don’t take things for granted. Don’t expect there will always be time to say what you want to people. To get together with people. Don’t take for granted the people who love you and who go out of their way to help in any way they can.
When you reach new status in life, don’t forget the people who were there along the way. If you move to a nicer house, in a different neighborhood, don’t forget your friends who were there for you during the times you lived in your old house in your old neighborhood. If your life changes to where you are now traveling to exotic places where some of your old friends can’t go, don’t leave them behind. Make the time to be with them and enjoy every minute in the places you can both be at. The one thing we know is that life will change. Our circumstances will change and be different from our friends and loved ones. The question is will we change? Will we still talk to the people we talked to every day before things changed? Will we judge them for the difference in status or accept and love them for who they are? We may not notice our behavior, but they will. And when we need them in the future, they won’t forget that we forgot them. People are not disposable.
The final two lines focus on three things, two of which we have repeatedly discussed and will close with. Humble and Kind. The other is helping others. It often takes very little to help somebody else. Holding a door, sharing an umbrella, giving somebody a ride, letting them use your phone. So many little things happen every single day where we have the opportunity to lighten up somebody else’s day with a little kindness and humility. The three go together to make the type of world we all want to live in. Don’t shirk your responsibility. Remember to help. Remember to be humble. And remember to be kind.
About 6 months ago I began subscribing to The Free Press. The articles have been great and each Sunday there is a focus by Douglas Murray called, “Things Worth Remembering” that in year one focused on poetry. I have to admit that for most of my life, poetry hasn’t been something that I really got. Yet getting this weekly article about a specific poem that really dug into the words began to inspire me. I went from glancing at it, to skimming it, to reading it and really enjoying it. The Free Press announced that year two of the column will now focus on great oratory of the ages.
I’ve also written about how behind I am with popular music. So, as I catch up on music, I thought I’d imitate the Free Press and use Sunday as a day to be inspired by music. Today’s song is from 2017, so I’m only 6-7 years behind the curve on this one. It’s by Scotty McCreary and called ‘Five More Minutes”. The words remind me of the past and inspire me for the future.
Eight years old, couple cane pole sittin’ down by the creek. Lines in the water, watchin’ those bobbers, seein’ that red sun sink. Mama’s on the porch yellin’, “Supper’s hot! Y’all come and get it!” We yelled, “Five more minutes.”
As a child, we played outside every day. Winter, Spring, Summer, or Fall, it didn’t matter how hot or cold it was, we were outside playing. The rules were when the streetlights came on, we had to head home. And every day, when the lights came on, we kept playing until at least one of our mothers who open the front door and yell at us to come inside for dinner. And just like in the song, we would groan and beg for just five more minutes. We never really wanted just five more minutes but that was what we asked for. As an adult, I look back on those days with such gratitude. We had no worries. We played all sorts of games outside with everybody in the neighborhood. The only worry we had was watching for the streetlights to turn on. There are many days that I wish for just five more minutes of that childhood without the pressures of life. As my children grew up, I wanted to give them to same type of experience. While the world had changed and technology meant they weren’t outside all afternoon like we were, I still wanted to give them the opportunity to ask for just five more minutes. I smile when it’s dinner time and my now young adult sons will ask for just a few more minutes to finish their game before they come to eat.
The joy of childhood is precious, and we lose it far too often. While as adults we have responsibilities beyond coming home for dinner when the streetlights turn on, we can find our own ways to do the things that bring us similar joy to we experienced in childhood. In the times we live in, bringing some childhood joy to our lives is critical to maintain our sanity.
At sixteen, it was 12:03, standin’ at her front door. And Katie’s dad said “Midnight,” but we needed just a little more. Yellow light flippin’ on and off interruptin’ that good night kissin’. We wanted five more minutes.
As a teen, it was no longer just come in for dinner when the streetlights came on. After dinner it was going out with friends. First it was just in the neighborhood and as we got older and could drive, it was midnight and later. It was exciting and thrilling. The night brought lots of opportunities, especially with dating. I remember many times sitting in the car or at the front door with the ‘goodnight kiss’, knowing that her dad was waiting inside to make sure she got home by curfew. And like the song, we always wanted just five more minutes. High school was all about the five more minutes of whatever we were doing, other than school. Dating, parties, youth group conventions, vacations – we always wanted just a little bit more.
When I look back, I find myself thinking about how to get that extra time with the things I love. Going to sporting events with my kids, the theater with my wife, vacations with my wife and with the family, concerts, spending holidays together, and so much more. I remember growing up hearing about how time was the most precious commodity we have and thinking how young I was and how much future was ahead. In my mid 50s, with 60 around the corner, I look back and appreciate the way I spent some of my time and think of the missed time that I can never get back. I treasure the time I got to spend with my grandparents and how integral all four of them were to me into my mid-20s and early 30s. I think of my great-grandma Rose and the time I spent with her. I think of my parents, my siblings (including my wife’s sisters and her family), my cousins, my in-laws, and my close friends.
As I look at the next two decades of my life, I want to focus on that extra five more minutes with the people I love and the people who matter to me. Time truly is the most precious possession we have, and I am grateful to be at a place in my life and with my career where I don’t have to sacrifice the time because of work, finances, or ego. I want to remember what it felt like being a teenager when I treasured every minute on a date, while being out with friends, and with everything that I did. Somehow when building a career and raising a family, these things get lost, and it is too easy to never recover them.
Time rolls by, the clock don’t stop. I wish I had a few more drops of the good stuff, the good times. Ah, but they just keep on flyin’. Right on by like it ain’t nothin’. I wish I had me a-, a pause button. Moments like those, Lord knows I’d hit it. And give myself five more minutes.
As a kid, time seemed to drag on. I remember being told that as I got older, the days would go slow and the years would go fast. I didn’t believe it nor did I truly understand it. I was young. Invincible. The future was mine and so much ahead of me. I remember turning 30 and thinking how old I was, because I grew up in shadows of the ‘don’t trust anybody over 30’ generation. I wanted a fast forward button, not a pause button. Fast forward through high school so I could be independent and move away to college. College was fun but I wanted to fast forward to building a career. Being single was fun but I wanted to fast forward to getting married and having children. Time was plentiful so why would I want to slow life down?
My fraternity brothers at one of our formals. Truly the best of times that went way too fast.
My friend Aric, who is like a brother to me, and his now wife Carol Ann. We joke that if it was ‘my turn’ when we met girls that she would have been my wife instead of his. It feels like yesterday but it was more than 30 years ago.
High school. Hard to believe this was almost 40 years ago. It feels like yesterday. We lost my friend Ellen (z’l) in the Penn Sweatshirt and sunglasses last year. Time goes too fast. I’d like 5 more minutes with my friend.
How naïve we are as young people. We think we are indestructible. We think we will live forever. We think nothing bad will happen. I would love to go back and use the pause button as my grandparents’ beach cottage every summer with extended family. I want to use the pause button on our family Thanksgiving touch football games and our family Passover whiffle ball games, especially when my grandparents would play in one way or another. I’d use the pause button when we celebrated both sets of grandparents 50th wedding anniversaries on the same cruise and when we celebrated my parents 50th wedding anniversary on another cruise. I’d hit the pause button on all the time I spent with my cousin Eric growing up together. I’d pause my wedding and honeymoon. I’d use it when my kids, Evan and Matthew, were little to get more of them as small children. When I look at the pictures that we have of them when they were both under 6, I wonder where the time went and how it went so quickly.
Family picture on my parents 50th anniversary cruise
My parents and their grandchildren as we celebrated their 50th anniversary.
The family in Curacao at the oldest synagogue in the western hemisphere. We had so much fun together celebrating my parents.
My cousin Eric and me at ‘the cottage’ cooking breakfast. We had amazing times together and at the cottage before his early passing. We had life plans that never happened.
While we don’t have a real life pause button, we do have the ability to treasure every moment and not miss them. I think of driving Evan to Tennessee to start graduate school and his college football coaching career and how I treasured every minute of the drive, moving him in, and shopping for the things he needed. I think of the times I went on college recruiting trips with Evan and when I took Matthew to visit and explore potential colleges. Going to theater with my wife and Matthew, sporting events with Evan and Matthew, and our special fantasy baseball ‘Get Together’ weekends with our ICBL brothers each year and smile as the memories are vivid and I enjoyed every minute. Recently I attended my friend Jeremy’s wedding and had the honor of officiating their marriage. Every minute of the time we all spent together was special and treasured. We have the ability to step back, slow down, and appreciate the gifts we have in our life. Too often, we look back and realize ‘we missed it’. I made the decision when my dad died that I wasn’t going to miss anything any longer. It was the experience that taught me the importance of time and how to treasure it. To live life as if there was a pause button so I appreciate all the moments.
Jeremy and me before the wedding. A memory I will never forget.
Evan, Matthew and me on the field before the game at Ben Hill Griffin Stadium during a recruiting vist to UF.
Alison, Matthew, Carla, and me at the Orlando Ballet’s performance of the Nutcracker. These are highlights we take advantage of while we can.
At eighteen, turned my helmet in and walked to the fifty-yard line. Just the coach and me after we lost eighteen to nine. And I cried, “Man, next time to get in here, I’ll have to buy a ticket. Can’t you give me five more minutes?”
My oldest son Evan played high school football and started all four years. We went to football camps together his last two years of high school. As a family, we didn’t miss games and the opportunity to watch him play. I’ll never forget his last high school football game as we walked the field arm in arm, as he was honored on senior night. I’ll never forget the look on his face after the game, a big win, and the connection he had with his coach. I remember the feeling I had at that moment, knowing I would never watch him play high school football again and that not only was his life changing, but mine was as well. We stayed on the field after the game for a long time to soak up every minute we could. And I remember thinking as we walked off the field how I wish I could have had just a little more time, just five more minutes, of that experience as it ended forever. When he told me that he had decided not to continue playing college football and instead wanted to start his coaching career early, while he was in college, I was devastated. He was fine with his decision and didn’t regret ending one stage and moving onto the next step in his career. I wasn’t ready. I was looking forward to watching him play, to celebrating his achievements, and struggled with the way it was changing my life. I was still able to watch him coach at UCF and then in high school and with the semi-pro Orlando law enforcement/first responders’ team. It was still an awesome experience, but a very different one. As he started his professional career coaching college football, it was an incredible experience watching him coach.
Evan and Coach Carter sharing emotion after his final high school game.
Evan and Coach Carter. A great mentor
Evan tackling as a freshman. His first tackle ever was NBA star Dejounte Murray.
Family picture on the field after his freshman season
Evan played in the band at halftime 3 of his 4 years of varsity football. This was a classic – we need more cowbell! Matthew is in the back as they played in the band together.
Evan in uniform at UCF
Evan in the locker room before the game
Evan with his conference championship ring. A forever treasure.
Evan snapping in practice. He was a great long snapper.
Watching Matthew, my younger son, graduate high school was another seminal moment. I would now only have kids in college. Attending his graduation, Magna Cum Laude, from Seminole State, was an incredible experience. When he graduates UCF in another year, I will no longer have any kids in college. It’s another major life transition and when he moves out of the house as well, I know I will want 5 more minutes of kids living in my house. It’s another reminder of how precious time is and how important it is not to waste the time we have.
Matthew graduation night – he graduated Magna Cum Laude, truly impressive.
I was invited to the White House Hanukkah party in 2022. Matthew came with me and we had a great time. Another special moment we will both remember forever.
At eighty-six, my grandpa said, “There’s angels in the room.” All the family gathered ‘round, knew the time was comin’ soon. With so much left to say I prayed, “Lord, I ain’t finished. Just give us five more minutes.”
My dad died on September 6, 2022. I had gotten him moved to Advent Health about three weeks prior and my mom moved in with us while he was in the hospital. I visited him every day while he was in the hospital and got to spend quality time with my mom every morning and evening. Those three weeks are precious to me, both for the time I spent with my dad and the time I spent with my mom. When I think of them, I tear up, because they were some of the most meaningful days of my life. I look back at some of the pictures from those three weeks and smile with a mixture of happiness and sadness. My dad eating real food I had delivered when he got out of ICU into a private room – I can still hear him talking about how good it was because the hospital food was so bad. The picture of him and my mom walking hand in hand in the hospital hallway. They were married for 56 years and together for 65+. The last picture I took of my dad, lying in his bed, with a sweet smile on his face. I remember kissing him goodnight, telling him I loved him and would see him in the morning. My mom got the call from the hospital around 1:30 am that morning that he had died. We went to the hospital together and sat with him, just the three of us, while we waited until it was not too early to call my brother and my sister as well as my Aunt Sheila, his sister. Writing about it brings tears to my eyes once again.
When I look at this picture, I can hear my dad’s voice talking about how good the food was and how much he enjoyed it. I’m forever grateful for the opportunity I had the last 3 weeks of his life.
My mom and dad walking the hospital hallway. So many special moments during those 3 weeks that I will treasure forever.
The last picture I took of my dad. He looked so sweet and peaceful. I gave him a kiss, told him I loved him and that I’d see him the next morning. He died a few hours later. Every time I look at this picture it brings tears to my eyes. How I wish I could have 5 more minutes.
As we sat in the room with him after he had died, I remember wishing I just had one more chance to talk with him, to tell him again how much I loved him, to be able to ask his advice and hear his wisdom and knowing that would never be possible. I wanted those five more minutes. I have no regrets with my dad, I just wanted more. I wanted those five more minutes. And today, there are plenty of times when I want to pick up the phone and call him, talk for five minutes, and pick his brain and get his advice. Once again, it’s an example of the precious nature of time.
I choose to invest my time with my family. With my sons, my wife, my mom, siblings and siblings-in-law. I want to do my part to ensure that when the time comes, my children have no regrets. They don’t wish they had just done something more with me. They don’t regret missing out spending time together.
Celebrating my mom’s birthday with the family. I don’t miss these opportunities.
The family celebrating Alison’s 50th birthday
Dancing with my mom at a family Bar Mitzvah.
I think of the lost time with my family members who died too young. My Uncle Joe. My cousins Eric and Todd. I think of the time missed with my friends who have died in the past few years and how they won’t be around any longer. I always think of my dad, who died in September 2022, and who I miss daily. We have no guarantees in life, and we get to choose our priorities. I’ve reached a place in my life where my priorities have shifted. It’s far more rewarding to do what I can to minimize the impact of wanting those five more minutes at the end.
Yeah, sometimes this ol’ life will leave you wishin’. That you had five more minutes. Five more minutes.
Priorities are the key. We live in a culture that values money, status, and titles. We often sacrifice things like time with family and friends in our effort to make money, obtain a better title, or because our identity is tied to our job. In the end, like the song says, those priorities “will leave you wishin’ that you had five more minutes.” Our society puts pressure on us to meet their priorities. Over the past 18 months, since my dad got sick and then died, I have been reviewing my priorities. Asking myself what is really important. What do I really value? It’s been a complete reset in many areas.
October 7th only highlighted this even more. I have seen the 47-minute Hamas video and it’s horrifying. I have four friends who had family members taken hostage. Of the 6 hostages, 4 have been released. There are still 2 held by Hamas, now for 126 days. I have friends who lost family members at the music festival. Friends who lost family serving in the IDF. Friends who are serving or have children currently serving in the IDF, worried every day about their safety. I wear my dogtags every day. My Magen David (star of David) every day. I put a new piece of masking tape on my shirt, over my heart, every day, updating the number of days the hostages have been kept.
Besides being a great song, Five More Minutes teaches an important lesson. It reminds us that in the end, all we really want is more time. No matter how much money we may have, no matter how much power and influence we may have, no matter what our titles are or what we have accomplished in our careers, the one thing we all want is just five more minutes. At the end of the day, we have the choice to set our priorities. I choose to do what I can to want, but not need, those five more minutes.
Some people get inspired by poetry. Others by art such paintings or sculptures. For some it is the beauty of dance. Still another group it’s the theater. That’s the great thing about the arts. Different people can find inspiration in different things at different times. For me, it has always been through music and the lyrics, or poetry, that make up the song. For years I would quote my favorite poet, Bruce Springsteen.
Recently, I have been listening to a lot of country music. I think it’s because my oldest son likes it and listens to it (along with hip-hop) in his car or when he would take over the music in my car. Since I tend to do most of the long-distance driving, I began listening. After our 10+ hour drive to Tennessee to move him to graduate school I was fully hooked and even had some favorite ‘new’ songs.
The lyrics to country music truly speak to life. I have found many artists that I like and even more songs that speak to me. As my children are now in their 20s, I found it a little odd that the song ‘Watching You’ by Rodney Atkins became a favorite as it’s about a father and his 4-year-old son. As I listened to it over many days, I finally realized that it’s not just about our children watching and learning from us. Children are sponges and soak up whatever we put out. What speaks to me now is the impact of this. As we see worldwide hatred continue to grow, as we have seen the incredible expression of Jew hatred since October 7th, it really does come down to the lyrics of this song and people watching us.
“So I said ‘son, where did you learn to talk like that?’ He said, ‘I’ve been watching you dad, ain’t that cool? I’m your buckaroo, I wanna be like you. And eat all my food and grow as tall as you are. We got cowboy boots and camo pants. Yeah, we’re just alike, hey, ain’t we dad? I wanna do everything you do. So I’ve been watching you.’”
People watch what we do. Our children are exposed the most and we have the most impact on them. I think of the messages I got from my parents and my grandparents about what really matters and what to invest in. About the messages I have sent and continue to send to my children.
I want to focus on 5.
1. Family is everything. It’s something my parents and grandparents always believed in. Whether that meant ensuring we spent time together as a nuclear family, extended family, or with those who are just considered family, there was never a question about this in our house. Growing up, we attended every family celebration. We spent vacations at my grandparent’s beach house in Connecticut which meant we spent that time with most of our cousins. Holidays were family events and I have fond memories of Thanksgiving and Passover with my cousins. This is something I have continued with my children. It’s essential they understand that when it comes to family, that always comes first.
2. Judaism matters. I spent most of my childhood at the synagogue or JCC. Hebrew school was 3 days a week. We went on Shabbat morning for services. My parents were involved so there was usually an event at least one other day a week. 4-5 days a week, 10 months a year, I was there for something. The JCC was a couple of blocks away and easy to walk between the two. I learned to swim at the JCC. I played basketball, floor hockey, did community theater and was on the swim team at the JCC. As I got older, the public school had a bus that stopped there so it was common for my friends and I to go there after school and then, at 5 pm, figure out which of our mom’s would be able to pick us up. Using the phone at the reception desk, eventually we would find one of them at home or before they left work to get us. At least most of the time. Being Jewish and a part of the Jewish community was ingrained in me from the beginning by what my parents did and invested in. I went to Jewish summer camp. I was involved with a Jewish youth group.
Every Friday night we had Shabbat dinner. We all sat down at the table after lighting candles. My dad said the kiddush. One of the kids said Hamotzi. Every week. We could invite friends if we wanted. As we got older, we were allowed to go out with friends on Friday night only AFTER Shabbat dinner. It was tradition. It was special. As my kids got older and my oldest started playing high school football, during football season, our Shabbat dinner changed. Instead of being at the table, it was in the stands, usually a hot dog and soda as we watched him play. It wasn’t the same quality of meal, but it was the same quality of time together. Even today, we are talking about Shabbat dinner and while I don’t bake Challah like I used to before becoming gluten free, I’m trying to find a good recipe so it will be part of the weekly ritual. Family time is special and a value to my grandparents, parents, myself, and our children. The investment my parents and grandparents put into infusing being Jewish into my core remains today.
3. Talk is cheap. This was one of my dad’s favorite statements to me (or maybe most often used). Anybody can say anything. It’s not what you say but what you do that matters. As a child, I would always have an excuse. My dad taught me that it didn’t matter what you said, it mattered what you did. “Show me, don’t tell me.” was a common theme. My parents showed love. They showed responsibility. They showed what a marriage looked like. They showed what raising a family is like. They showed sacrifice. They showed commitment. They gave the example of what to do, not what to say. At work. With each other. With us. Basically, they showed how to do this in life.
4. The best gift you can give your children is to love their mother. This came from my dad and his father. I heard this growing up. I saw it in action with my grandparents and my parents. Both sets of grandparents were married for over 55 years. My parents were married for over 55 years. They set the example for their children about love, commitment, and respect.
5. Get involved and make a difference. My parents and grandparents were always involved in the community, particularly the Jewish community. Presidents of their synagogue. Involved with the men’s clubs, sisterhoods. Volunteering at the Jewish Home for the Aged as I grew up. The Masons, Kiwanis, Hadassah, National Council of Jewish Women, and B’nai Brith are just some of the organizations they were involved with. My grandmother knitted slippers and hats for people in the hospital. Growing up, I saw what commitment was like and as I got involved with my youth group, I took on leadership roles. In college, I was a leader in my fraternity. Throughout my adult life, getting involved has been important to me whether it was in the workplace or the things I do for fun. It’s something I have infused into my children as well. Just showing up isn’t enough. We have an obligation to get involved and make a difference.
When I listen to Rodney Atkins sing those lyrics, I see myself as a little boy looking up at my dad. I see my boys looking up to me as their dad. And I think about the final chorus when he sings:
“But when I’m big I’ll still know what to do. Cause I’ve been watching you dad, ain’t that cool? I’m your buckaroo, I wanna be like you. And eat all my food and grow as tall as you are. By then I’ll be strong as superman. We’ll be just alike, hey, won’t we dad? When I can do everything you do. ‘Cause I’ve been watching you.“
Our kids are watching us and learning. Their friends are watching us and learning. The world is looking at us and watching and learning. What are we committed to showing and teaching them? For me, I know. Do you?
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