A friend of mine’s father was dying. He is in the music industry and shared this song with me. My father died on September 6, 2022. The haunting voice and lyrics speak powerfully to me. It describes my relationship with my father. I had three weeks with him at the end where I got to spend hours daily together. Some days we had deep conversations. Some days he wasn’t doing well and I sat with him. I was there through procedures we thought would get him better. And I was there at the end when my mom and I went to his hospital room just after he died.
Those last three weeks we were not father and son. Like the lyrics say, we were two men saying goodbye. I think he knew that’s what we were doing. Deep down, maybe I did as well. I remember getting him food delivered the first time he could eat non-hospital food. Ordering Philly cheesesteaks shipped from the famous Pat’s and then reheated for him. Taking walks around the floor of the hospital. He knew my mistakes and I knew some of his. We had long got past those things.
So every day, I strive to make him proud. Every day I hold my actions against what he would think of them. Every day, I judge myself by the standards he set for me. Every day I am a better human being because of him. So on this father’s day, I say thank you Dad. For being yourself. For teaching me how to be a good human being. For having values and ethics. For ensuring I have something to stand for. For being an example of how to be a father to my children and one day, a grandfather to my grandchildren. To be a husband, a leader, and a Jew.
Happy father’s day Dad. You may not be here physically, but you will always be here with me.
My dad and me at Evan’s bar mitzvah. Filled with joy. A treasured moment.
Lyrics
Oh, before they turn off all the lights I won’t read you your wrongs or your rights The time has gone I’ll tell you goodnight, close the door Tell you I love you once more The time has gone So here it is
I’m not your son, you’re not my father We’re just two grown men saying goodbye No need to forgive, no need to forget I know your mistakes and you know mine And while you’re sleeping I’ll try to make you proud So, daddy, won’t you just close your eyes? Don’t be afraid, it’s my turn To chase the monsters away
Oh, well, I’ll read a story to you Only difference is this one is true The time has gone I folded your clothes on the chair I hope you sleep well, don’t be scared The time has gone So here it is
I’m not your son, you’re not my father We’re just two grown men saying goodbye No need to forgive, no need to forget I know your mistakes and you know mine And while you’re sleeping I’ll try to make you proud So, daddy, won’t you just close your eyes? Don’t be afraid, it’s my turn To chase the monsters away
Sleep a lifetime Yes, and breathe a last word You can feel my hand on your own I will be the last one So I’ll leave a light on Let there be no darkness, in your heart
But I’m not your son, you’re not my father We’re just two grown men saying goodbye No need to forgive, no need to forget I know your mistakes and you know mine And while you’re sleeping I’ll try to make you proud So, daddy, won’t you just close your eyes? Don’t be afraid, it’s my turn To chase the monsters away
The last picture I took of my dad, just before we left the night he died. The love and peace in his face brings tears to my eyes and always will. Such a sweet and generous man.
I have written extensively about how behind the times I am when it comes to music. I recently discovered the 2001 song by Alan Jackson, Where were you? (when the world stopped turnin’). He wrote it about September 11, 2001 not long afterwards and performed it only 10 days later at the Country Music Awards (CMAs). I find it very impactful, not just as it reminds me of what I felt and was going through after 9/11 but also what I felt like on October 7th and continue to feel today.
Jackson said that he had strong feelings and wanted to write something that expressed them without being political or partisan. He wanted it to clearly reflect his thoughts and feelings. This song accomplished that in an incredible manner. Since October 7th, I have been writing to try to do the same. When I heard this song and when I listened deeply to the lyrics, they not only speak about September 11th and the feelings afterwards but easily could reflect October 7th and afterwards. Many Israeli artists have written songs about October 7th and after but I haven’t heard or seen a single American songwriter or singer with the exception of Bono and U2 changing the words of the song Pride: In the Name of Love to reflect October 7th instead of April 4 and the Supernova music festival. You can see and hear the pain Bono is feeling. I remember being incredibly moved when I heard it for the first time and even today, as I listen to it, it brings tears to my eyes. I wish they would re-release it with altered lyrics.
Where were you when the world stopped turnin’ That September day? Were you in the yard with your wife and children Or workin’ on some stage in L.A.?
Most people know where they were on September 11, 2001 as it is part of our American psyche. I know where I was. Who I was talking to. What TV station I was watching. Where I was when the first tower fell. Where I was when the 2nd tower fell. Keeping in touch with my brother, who worked in NYC at that time, to check on his safety. Being grateful that my dad wasn’t flying that day – he had flown the day before. Running a Hillel meant I had students to attend to and their needs. The pain everybody felt was palpable. September 11th and days that followed were filled with hugs, tears, conversations, and questions.
October 7th was very similar for me. I remember exactly where I was, where I sat, what TV stations I watched, and who I was with. I remember sending WhatsApp messages to friends and family in Israel to check on them. The uncertainty of where the attacks were going to occur that day. Was it just going to be near the Gaza envelope? Were they going to be attacked from the north and Lebanon? What was the PA going to do and would we see terrorists coming in from the East as well?
There are moments in our lives that we never forget the details. My wedding. The birth of my children. Family simchas. The last day I spent with my father before he died. Three Mile Island (I lived nearby in Harrisburg at the time). The assassination attempt on Ronald Reagan. John Lennon and Yitzhak Rabin being assassinated. 9/11. October 7th. In one way or another, the world stopped turning on all of those days. Some due to joy, some due to sadness. How the world stopping turning impacted us and what we do with the changes that result is what’s key.
Did you stand there in shock at the sight of that black smoke Risin’ against that blue sky? Did you shout out in anger, in fear for your neighbor Or did you just sit down and cry?
On 9/11, when the first plane hit the first tower, I remember thinking it was an accident. We watched in horror but didn’t realize we were under attack. It wasn’t until the second plane hit the second tower that the shock really hit. Where was going to be next? My brother worked in NYC and his building was attached to Grand Central Station. Was that the next target? My dad was supposed to fly that week and his flight was changed. I tried to remember when it was changed. Was it changed so that he was flying that day? Was it the day before? Was it the day after? What about my friends who worked and lived in NY? Then the plane was crashed into Shanksville, PA and then into the Pentagon. Were there going to be more attacks? If so, where? How?
On October 7th, I sat there in shock. I couldn’t believe what I was watching and hearing. As I communicated with friends and family in Israel, it didn’t get any better. I shouted in anger, in fear for my friends and family. I sat in shock at what I watched and as names were released, prayed that I didn’t know any of them and was also sad that these people, these members of my Jewish family, were killed or taken hostage.
I couldn’t move from my chair in front of the television. I couldn’t change the channel. I didn’t want to talk to anybody as I had nothing to say. It was so unbelievable. When I did talk, it was usually filled with anger at what happened, not understanding where the IDF was. Not understanding how this was continuing as long as it was. Not understanding how it even happened. The more that was reported, the angrier I got at Hamas for doing it and for the Israeli government for missing the signs and for allowing it to happen. I got angry at the Gazan people who were welcomed into the kibbutzim for work and ate dinner with the families that they sold out to Hamas, ensuring their death or kidnapping.
We all have our own way of dealing with this type of trauma. Jackson’s point is that whatever we did, however we dealt with it, is what we needed. He isn’t saying one is better than the other. He isn’t saying if you didn’t do it his way, you were wrong. It’s a recognition that however we dealt with 9/11 or with October 7th, it’s what we needed to do in the moment. And that’s good enough.
Did you weep for the children, they lost their dear loved ones Pray for the ones who don’t know? Did you rejoice for the people who walked from the rubble And sob for the ones left below?
On 9/11 it was common to weep for everybody. Those who were killed. Those who we didn’t know what happened. The families of both. We prayed for the yet to be born children who lost their father on 9/11. And the children who lost one or both parents. We celebrated those who managed to escape and to live. And mourned those who didn’t. We found heroes in the passengers that crashed the plane in Shanksville, PA instead of letting the terrorists crash it into what they wanted, which would have killed more people.
October 7th seems to be viewed differently by many. I recently saw the documentary about the SuperNova music festival. These young people who were there to celebrate music were massacred by evil terrorists. I saw the Hamas video which showed them celebrating the murder of civilians – the elderly, women, children, and adults. Kfir Babis was taken hostage at less than a year old and his brother at 4 years old are forgotten by most of the world. The American hostages have been forgotten by Americans and by our leaders. In Israel, there is an uprising against the government for how they are handling the hostage crisis. Families have been displaced for more than 5 months, both from the Gaza envelope and from the north, where Hezbollah is sending rockets every day into Israel.
The trauma of Israelis is forgotten. The trauma of the diaspora Jews is ignored. The world weeps for the children of Gaza who are dying because of Hamas but ignores the children of Israel who died because of Hamas. The Red Cross still hasn’t visited the hostages, 177 days later. They haven’t received their medication in 177 days. As the father of a child with Type 1 diabetes, I know what would happen if he went 177 days without insulin. After 9/11, America stood together in support of those impacted and those who lost loved ones. We stood together against evil. When it comes to October 7th, that stand only lasted a few days before they became held responsible for their own victimization by evil. It disgusts me. When I listen to Alan Jackson sing these words, I find myself burning inside, wondering why it doesn’t apply to Jews. Why does everybody else matter but we don’t. How can people who supposedly stand for morals, ethics, justice, equality, and the like actually show how fraudulent they are and not be held accountable.
My heart breaks daily for the families of the current hostages. It aches every day for the hostages that were released and their families, for what they must go through. It hurts for the families of the victims and the survivors of the SuperNova music festival massacre. I have a deep hole in my heart and my soul for everybody impacted by October 7th – the Jews, Bedouins, Arab-Israelis, Druze, Bhai’I, and the innocent Palestinians and people of Gaza (because there is a difference between the terrorists and the people). I wish the world mourned with me and stood up against evil. This verse reminds me that no matter how much we want to think that we can just fit in with society, we are always Jews first and the world will always look at us differently. They will weep and cry out for anybody other than us. They will mourn and fight for the rights of everybody other than us. We are the only ones who will stand up for ourselves.
The great Israeli leader Golda Meir had a number of quotes that reflects this reality. They include:
Did you burst out with pride for the red, white, and blue And the heroes who died just doin’ what they do? Did you look up to heaven for some kind of answer And look at yourself and what really matters?
After 9/11, American pride was as high as I have seen since the 1980 US Olympic Hockey team beat the Soviets and then won the gold medal. We were united as Americans. Nobody was going to stop us. We were going to kill the terrorists, restore democracy, rule the world. Our first responders were all heroes. I remember the flag from the Twin Towers being flown at Yankee Stadium. We begin singing ‘God Bless America’ in the 7th inning of baseball games. We thanked our soldiers for their service.
The flag from ground zero flying at Yankee Stadium in 2001
We looked to God for answers. As a Hillel Director, it was an incredible time as students flocked to ask existential questions. Nobody was afraid to ask a question and seem uneducated because everybody was asking questions. People reassessed their lives, their values. Seeing these widows and orphans, pregnant women who lost their husbands, hearing the recording from the planes, inspired us all to be better people. “Let’sRoll”, said by Todd Beamer, before he and the other passengers on Flight 93 attacked the cockpit and the terrorists, crashing the plane into a field before it could be used as a weapon, was an inspiration to us all. We asked ourselves what we would do, what could we do, if we were in a similar situation.
October 7th was different for the world. As Jews, as Zionists, we asked where was the IDF. We were united in our grief, not in our dominance. We knew that Israel would respond, that war was here, and that Gaza would be devastated, but we took no pride in that. We took no joy. We wanted our hostages back. We wanted our country back. We wanted to dream of peace back. We sang Hatikvah, ‘Hope’, the Israeli national anthem with hope for the safe return of the hostages, safety for the IDF soldiers who were going to war, hope that peace would come quickly. The heroes we saw were ordinary people who raced into danger to help others.
Bedouins like Ismail Al-Karnawi, who left Rahat with three other family members to head towards Kibbutz Be’eri in order to rescue residents from the inferno. Sari Al-Karnawi, who served as a police officer at the Nova party and rescued partygoers from the attack. Muhammad Abu Najah, an employee of the cleaning company at Nova, who fought against the terrorists, called first responders, and warned others of the presence of terrorists. Omar Abu Sabeelah, who in Sderot heard a woman’s scream and saw Odaya Suissa with her two daughters, aged 6 and 3, and her husband Dolev who was shot dead by the terrorists. Despite being wounded, Sabeelah managed to reach the girls in the car and get them out to safety. He later died from his injuries. Yousef Alziyadneh, who saved the lives of approximately 30 Nova party revelers who were under fire. Anis Abu Dabbus, a senior paramedic crew at the Rahat Magen David Adom station, who acted with his crew in the Rahat and Ofakim area, treating the wounded and providing lifesaving treatment to many.
Heroes like retired general Noam Tibon, who got in his car with his wife and headed towards Kibbutz Nahal Oz, where his son, daughter-in-law, and two young granddaughters were hiding in their safe room as the Kibbutz was attacked and overtaken by Hamas terrorists. Tibon encountered a battle between IDF soldiers and Hamas and picked up a weapon and helped defeat the terrorists. He took 2 of the wounded soldiers to his wife who drove them to the hospital for treatment while he continued on foot until being picked up by another retired general who was answering the call and taken to the Kibbutz. 60 Minutes did a story on his heroism.
Countless other heroes like my friend Yaron Buskila, who left his house without a weapon to fight the terrorists and save lives. Yaron shared a little of what it was like and that little bit that he shared showed me not just his bravery, but the bravery of so many Israelis; Jewish, Bedouin, Arab, and Christian on October 7th.
On October 7th we all looked to heaven for an answer. An answer that will never come. Instead, we began to question ourselves about what really matters. What is important to us and how do we show that. How do we reprioritize our lives around the things that matter instead of the things we thought mattered before October 7th. It’s amazing to have lived in the post 9/11 world and the post October 7th world. Two terrorist attacks. Two tragedies. Two horrible things. Two very different outcomes and feelings.
I’m just a singer of simple songs I’m not a real political man I watch CNN, but I’m not sure I can tell you The diff’rence in Iraq and Iran
I find this to be one of the most profound lines in the song. So many of us don’t know what’s really going on. We didn’t know who the Taliban was before 9/11. We couldn’t tell you the difference between the Shiite country of Iran and the Sunni country of Iraq other than their rulers.
The same holds true after October 7th but it’s even worse. People don’t only know what Hamas and Hezbollah are, they don’t know that Gaza hasn’t been ‘occupied’ since 2005. They use phrases like “From the River to the Sea” and don’t know what river or what sea they are talking about. They use words like Apartheid and Genocide because they sound good and are powerful without understand the facts or definition of those words. They talk about the high number of civilians that have been killed, not understanding that war is terrible and civilians are killed, but that Israel is nearly 9 times better than the norm in minimizing civilan deaths. Instead of addressing the evil of Hamas, people are feeding into ancient Jewish tropes and feeding global antisemitism.
Israel-Hamas figures compared to the normal rates in war
I am concerned that this ignorance, this hate, will result in catastrophic events happening in the United States as we blame the victim and both encourage and allow the evil to grow.
But I know Jesus and I talk to God And I remember this from when I was young Faith, hope, and love are some good things He gave us And the greatest is love
One of my favorite things about Judaism is the way we look to God, to the Torah, for answers. There are always lessons to learn. Since October 7th I have spent much more time asking questions, learning Torah with Rabbis, and working to understand my role as a Jew in this world.
There is a line in Pirkei Avot, the lessons of our fathers, that always speaks to me. It comes from 2:16 and says that Rabbi Tarfon used to say, “It is not your duty to finish the work, but neither are you at liberty to neglect it.” After October 7th this hit home in a very different way. I am not a soldier and can’t fight with the IDF. I am not an Israeli citizen. I do not have the duty to finish the work of the war. However, I am also not able to just neglect the situation and not do my part. There are many ways to do my part and I have learned that there is much I can do. We all have roles to play and our responsibility is not to do everything but rather to play our part, to do what we can. Speak out. Get educated. Encourage others to learn and not just repeat things they hear.
We can also work to live with faith, hope, and love. This doesn’t mean excuse the behavior of the terrorists or those who repeat the lies because they don’t know better. We can have faith that Israel will defeat evil. We can have faith in God and the IDF. And we can focus on love. Love of the Jewish people. Love of our mishpacha (family). Love of Israel. Love of our family. Love of the teachings of the Torah (which if you know me doesn’t sound like something I would say.)
In these terrible times, in these times of desperation, we can still live with faith, hope, and love. We can choose to look to the future with positivity or negativity. We can do our part to make the world a beautiful, better place or we can allow it to die. The choice is ours.
Where were you when the world stopped turnin’ That September day? Teachin’ a class full of innocent children Or drivin’ down some cold interstate?
Did you feel guilty ’cause you’re a survivor? In a crowded room did you feel alone? Did you call up your mother and tell her you love her? Did you dust off that Bible at home?
This verse reminds us that the world did stop turning on both 9/11 and on October 7th. We don’t have to pretend that it didn’t. President Bush was reading to a class full of innocent children. We were all doing something when it happened, when we got the news.
President Bush reading to children as terrorists attacked on 9/11
We don’t have to live with survivors’ guilt. I wasn’t living in NY on 9/11 or in Israel on October 7th. Why would I have survivors’ guilt? Because I know people who were. I know people who lost loved ones. My life was altered only in the inconveniences I had to deal with after 9/11. October 7th meant that I didn’t get to go to Israel in November like I had planned. Yet the survivors’ guilt is real because I am part of a community. While I am an American, Israel is my homeland. I have a strong tie to Israel and my homeland, my love, was critically injured and damaged on October 7th. That is where my survivors’ guilt comes from. Because I haven’t been able to go to Israel since October 7th.
There are plenty of times when I do feel alone. People chanting antisemitic tropes. Dressing in Nazi uniforms and flying Nazi flags. When I see friends posting hateful comments that they don’t even necessarily understand are hateful and hurtful. I have learned who my friends really are and who aren’t. This can be painful but it’s also refreshing because I don’t have to include those people in my life any longer.
After 9/11 I made sure to talk to my parents, my siblings, and my loved ones. It was a reminder of how short life is. The same thing happened after October 7th. This type of brutality and horror reminds us how precious life is. How limited our time really is. What and who is really important to us. Last week I reached out to my friends who are Palestinian and live in that area. I wanted to see how they are doing. I wanted to let them know I was thinking of them. I wanted to let them know I consider them my friend no matter what is happening in the world. And that I want to see them when I get to Israel in the near future because they matter. I choose to live in faith, hope, and love, not in hate.
After 9/11 people began asking questions about God and opened a door that had been closed for them. October 7th was the same. The opportunity to study, to learn, to ask questions, and to explore Judaism, God, and spirituality was there and many of us took it. It opened me up to learning more, to being a better person, and to ask why I behave certain ways and is that reflective of the person I want to be. We have an opportunity to do better and to be better. I am taking that opportunity.
Did you open your eyes and hope it never happened Close your eyes and not go to sleep? Did you notice the sunset for the first time in ages And speak to some stranger on the street? Did you lay down at night and think of tomorrow Go out and buy you a gun?
After 9/11 I know a lot of people who did close their eyes and hope it never happened. People who struggled with sleep. I wasn’t one of them. But after October 7th, I was. I hoped it was a nightmare. I hoped I would wake up and it was only a nightmare. I struggled to sleep and when I did sleep, it wasn’t restful. October 7th was much more personal for me than 9/11. Unfortunately, I think most of the country has forgotten the horror of 9/11 and October 7th happened ‘over there’ and ‘to them’ and doesn’t affect their daily lives.
I have chosen to invest more in random acts of kindness. Today I was at the grocery store behind a couple with a child that has a disability. It meant that they were going very slow. I was stuck behind them. Instead of getting frustrated and trying to push by, I took a deep breath and watched them with their daughter. And found joy in it. Instead of being angry and resentful, I was grateful and filled with love. All because I took a deep breath and didn’t push past them. I say hello to strangers and talk with them as people, not strangers. I will hold a door open, let somebody get in front of me, and enjoy the beauty of the day.
The world is a scary place and has only gotten scarier since October 7th. Being so public as a Jewish leader, I felt targeted and at risk. Long before October 7th, I did get training on firearms and made sure that I have them to protect myself. They are things I hope to only use on the range when I practice. But I won’t be a victim. I won’t allow my family to be at risk from the hatred that exists in the world. And I know I am not alone in these thoughts, concerns, and actions.
Did you turn off that violent old movie you’re watchin’ And turn on I Love Lucy reruns? Did you go to a church and hold hands with some strangers Stand in line to give your own blood? Did you just stay home and cling tight to your family Thank God you had somebody to love?
This last verse asks what we are doing differently. While there are specific things listed, it’s really about who you are and what you are doing as a result of 9/11 and now October 7th. There are many things I do differently today than I did prior to October 7th. I speak out much more often against antisemitism and hatred. I reach out to those I love and to my friends. I make sure my friends who are different religions, races, cultures, etc. know I care about them and that I am interested in our similarities, not our differences.
Like Pirkei Avot teaches us, I have an obligation to help with the work. So I give blood, hold doors, exhibit patience, spend more time with my family, tell those that I love that I love them. I invest in friendships and allow those that have been shown to not be investable to die so that I am investing in those of value.
I appreciate what I have in my life. I am a rich man because I want what I have rather than having what I want. I am grateful for the life that I get to live rather than worrying about the life I wish I had. I am more connected spiritually and am open to all that the universe brings to me.
I am committed to making the world a better place. That starts with those around me and in my local community. It means doing things for the right reasons. President Ronald Reagan had on his desk a sign that said, “There is no limit to what a man can do or where he can go if he doesn’t mind who gets the credit.” That is how I live my life post October 7th. I don’t care who gets the credit. I don’t care about the recognition. I only care about what we can do together. What we can accomplish. How we can make the world a better place for all.
The paperweight from President Ronald Reagan’s desk
Where were you when the world stopped turnin’ On that September day?
The song ends with the haunting question that it began with. It reminds us that the world did stop turning. Both on 9/11 and October 7th the world was forever altered. We were forever altered. Where were we? What did we do as a result? How did we change? How did we change the world? What did we do to make the world a better place and to get it turning once again.
At the end of the day, all we can control is our own actions. What are you going to do today to make the world a better place? How are you going to change the world today? Remember that just because the world stopped turning on October 7th doesn’t mean we are free from the obligation to make sure it is turning once again. I’m up for the challenge and I hope you will join me.
In the early to mid 1990s, Hootie and the Blowfish hit the scene with some great music. The lead singer was of course Hootie. Except he wasn’t. His name is Darius Rucker but even today, people still refer to him as Hootie. Until he transitioned from rock/pop to country music. It seemed to be a strange transition and as a fan of Hootie and the Blowfish’s music, I wondered if I would enjoy the new Country Music of Darius Rucker. I didn’t expect that I would. And I was wrong – I love it! He takes the best of his music style and adds the country music twist to it to create a new sound that also has the deep lyrics and messages of country music. This week, I decided to analyze the lyrics from his 2010 hit, This.
The song begins:
Got a baby girl sleepin’ in my bedroom And her momma laughing in my arms There’s a sound of rain on the rooftop And the game’s about to start I don’t really know how I got here But I’m so glad that I did And it’s crazy to think that one little thing Could have changed all of this.
I love that the song begins with such a normal setup. A child asleep in the bedroom. Her mother laughing in his arms. It’s raining outside and he can hear the patter of rain hitting the roof. So many of us have been in that exact situation in our lives many times. I can’t think of the number of times I was sitting on the couch, the kids asleep in their rooms, my wife in arm on the couch, as it was raining outside, and we listened to the rain hitting the roof. The only thing missing in the song, ironically for a country music song, is the dog laying on the floor by my feet! The normalcy of the situation is comforting. The game is about to start. Such a beautiful image in the first 4 lines.
I am sure most of us can related to the next line. I don’t really know how I got here. When I look back at my life, it’s hard to believe how much time has passed, where I am in my life, and how I got here. It doesn’t seem that long ago that I was in middle and high school. The big party I had at my house in Harrisburg that we still talk about seems recent, not 40 years ago. How can anything in my life be 40 years ago? Married for nearly 26 years? Two kids in their 20s, one a college grad finishing his master’s degree while the other is about to start his senior year of college. Friends from 30 and 40 and even 50 years ago that are grandparents now. I remember being in high school and listening to the Talking Heads song Once in a Lifetime and singing out loud the famous line, “And you may ask yourself, “Well, how did I get here?” Now I find myself truly asking, “How did I get here?”
I love the last 3 lines. First, I am so glad that I am where I am. Truly grateful. When I look back upon my life, there were many decision points that led me to this place at this time. And in a vacuum, I might go back and change a number of them because in hindsight, by themselves, they may not seem like the best choice. I look back and wish that I had spent a semester studying in Israel during college. I wish that I had done a gap year after college in Israel and perhaps served in the IDF as a 21 year. I made career decisions throughout my life that when I look back, I wonder what it may have been like had I chosen differently. But in the end, I am grateful I am here and had I not made every one of the choices that I did, I wouldn’t be right where I am today. Had I spent a semester abroad in college, maybe I would have done the gap year and served in the IDF. Maybe I would have made Aliyah after that. I’d have missed time with my grandparents and parents. I’d never have met my wife or had the children that I have. So yes, it would be meaningful to have had that experience, but I wouldn’t trade having that experience for the life I have today. And that’s the reality of the end of the verse. It is crazy to think that one little thing could have changed everything. Studying abroad for a semester in 1987 or 1988 may have led to me making Aliyah, having a completely different life, wife, and children. Choosing to stay in accounting rather than go back to get my Master’s Degree in counseling would have led to a different career, not moving to Florida when I did, and another totally different life. We make so many decisions every single day and never realize just how important and impactful each one is to the life we end up living. And I love the life I have today and am grateful for every decision that has led me here, even when the results ended up not being what I wanted at that time, because the results ended up getting me here, where I am grateful to be. That is the butterfly effect – the idea that small things can have non-linear impacts on a complex system. The concept is imagined with a butterfly flapping its wings and causing a typhoon.
Maybe it didn’t turn out like I planned Maybe that’s why I’m such, such a lucky man
For every stoplight I didn’t make Every chance I did or I didn’t take All the nights I went too far All the girls that broke my heart All the doors that I had to close All the things I knew but I didn’t know Thank God for all I missed ‘Cause it led me here to this
There is no question that it didn’t turn out like I planned. And no question that it is why I am such a lucky man. I have learned over the years that my view of things tends to be very short term. I can never really see the long-term impact of regular decisions until much later when life plays out. Seemingly insignificant choices end up with huge, often life altering, results.
When I was in Seattle, we came back to Florida to visit my parents in Tampa. As it happens, one of my dear friends, Sandy, was in the hospital in Tampa because she was having problems they couldn’t figure out. Her husband Ron, one of my best friends in the world, let me know where they were, so I went to see them. During my visit to their room, the doctor came in with a devastating diagnosis. Glioblastoma. 6 months to live was the normal expectation. As we all stood there in shock as this vibrant, healthy woman received terrible information, I was able to be the one there for both Ron and Sandy to help them process this shocking information. I had moved across the country to Seattle. I just happened to be visiting Tampa when she went to the hospital, in Tampa (they lived in Winter Haven). And I happened to be visiting at the exact time when they got the diagnosis. What are the odds? Nearly 5 years later, as Sandy way outlived expectations, I called to say my goodbyes. She couldn’t speak to me but could hear me as I talked to her. About 30 minutes later, she died. Again, what are the odds? If I had done an errand before calling, I would have been too late. As the song states in this verse, “For every stoplight I didn’t make, every chance I did or I didn’t take, all the nights I went too far, all the girls that broke my heart, all the doors that I had to close, all the things I knew but I didn’t know.” Every single choice we make in life takes us on the path we are supposed to be on and makes us who we are today.
Ron and Sandy – love them both and the role I got to play in their lives
My senior year of college, my girlfriend and I were very serious. We went looking at engagement rings together, found one she loved, and I almost bought it. She wanted me to buy it. The jewelry store owner wanted me to buy. I even wanted to buy it. And the owner of the store made it financially possible for me to buy it. But for some reason I didn’t. About two months later we ended up breaking up and my life went on a different path. How different would my life be today if I had bought that ring? Would we have gotten married? Had kids? I believe we would have ended up being divorced. Would I ever have moved to Florida? Certainly not in 1992 like I did. My career path would have been different. Everything about my life would have been different with that one different choice.
So, like the song says, Thank God for all I missed, ‘cause it led me here to this.
For many, many years I have believed the life is a tapestry and we only see the back end as we move along. We see the flaws. We see the strings and the extra yard or wool or silk. It isn’t until we reach the right point that it is turned over and we see the beauty that we have created by living through what we saw as the mess. Darius Rucker hits it right on the head with this song – everything we have today is because of every single small decision point along the path of life. There is no need to regret any of these decisions because we wouldn’t be who we are, we wouldn’t be where we are, without every single one of them.
This is the back of the tapestry and what we see most of the time. It isn’t until it’s flipped over that we see the real design and beauty. God knows what it really looks like all the time while we see the mess. Trust in God because he knows the real beauty all the time.
Like the girl that I loved in high school Who said she could do better Or the college I wanted to go to Till I got that letter All the fights and the tears and the heartache I thought I’d never get through And the moment I almost gave up All led me here to you I didn’t understand it way back when But sittin’ here right now It all makes perfect sense
This verse gives us more examples. It’s as if he knows that we will struggle with accepting that every single choice along the way is what got us here. And that by changing any single one of them, we won’t be who we are, where we are, today. In high school, I fell in love with Duke University. I had my heart set on going there. I applied early decision and wore my sweatshirt that my mom and I bought on our campus visit every week at a minimum. I was 100 percent sure that I was going to Duke for college. I applied a few other places, but I knew I was going to Duke. When I studied abroad in November 1984, I got my acceptance letter to Penn State. My friends who were in England took me out to celebrate, but honestly, I didn’t care. I wasn’t going to Penn State. I was going to Duke. What did it matter that I got in there? Of course, as you have realized, I didn’t get in to Duke. I ended up going to Penn State, where I met my best friends who are like brothers to me. My life was completely altered for the better because I didn’t get what I wanted and got what I needed. If I could go back and change things so that magically I would get into Duke and go there, I would not do it. I would be a completely different person living a completely different life if I had a gone to Duke for college. And I like who I am today and the life I have today. I wouldn’t trade it for anything.
Life has its ups and downs and plenty of challenges. As the song says, there were plenty of times that I wasn’t sure that I would be able to get through whatever it was I was facing at that time. I remember a number of them, as I sat alone, crying, and wondering what was going to happen now. I almost gave up many times in many situations. But I didn’t give up. I did manage to make it through. The same as many of you reading this were able to get through the things that, at the time, you thought were insurmountable. In fact, as we look back, we may even find it silly that we thought we couldn’t get through these things, but that was who we were at that time. As we sit here right now, it makes perfect sense. Yet tomorrow, when we face the struggles and challenges that arise in our life, will we be able to remember that it really does all make sense, just not today? Will we remember to thank God for all we miss, for the windows that open when the door we preferred gets shut? Or will we be stuck looking at the back side of the tapestry, thinking that the mess we are looking at is really the art that will be final?
Oh I cried when my momma passed away And now I got an angel Looking out for me today So nothing’s a mistake
I have reached a point in my life where I know that I am closer to the end of it than the beginning. It’s not as depressing a thought as I expected it to be. As I look back, I am so lucky to have had so many amazing people in my life for the time that I had them. Grandma Esther and Grandpa Si. Grandma Ev and Grandpa Len. Grandma Rose. Grandma Florence and Grandpa Morris. Grandma Cora and Grandpa Ralph. They are my grandparents, my wife’s grandparents, and my great-grandmother. My cousin Eric, who was my age and tragically died at the age of 27 in 1995. My cousin Todd who died of an overdose in 2015 at the age of 42. My niece Madeline, who died a few weeks after her birth. My big brother in the fraternity, Jeff, who died young. My Uncle Joe, who died at the ‘old’ age of 50 (I was 21 at the time and thought 50 was a good long life – how foolish we are when we are young.) I wish this was the entire list but life doesn’t work that way. We have the chance to build special relationships in our life and they end when they end.
My cousin Eric – he looks so young and innocentMy cousin Todd. We spoke a few days before he died and I always wonder what if I had gotten on the plane to Florida that Monday. Would it have made a difference?
Of course, my father died in September 2022. This has been the hardest of all for me, both because of the relationship we had and how much I was able to depend on him for guidance and advice. I have cried a lot about my dad, both when it happened and ongoing since then. I do believe he, and others, are my angels looking out for me. I do believe that my dad and others continue to teach me as they were so influential in my life and development that it is as if I can ask them the question and they will answer.
My dad just before my mom and I said goodnight and left his room. He died a few hours later. The sweet look on his face is one I will never forget.
I agree that nothing is a mistake. It may not be what I wanted at the time. It may not be what I would prefer. It may not be enjoyable either at the moment it happens or ever. Yet everything that happens in life shapes us into the person we are. We have the things we have in our life today because of every one of these choices. The ones we made and the ones we didn’t make. The ones we knew we were making and the ones we never even noticed.
The song ends with a repeat of the chorus and while I typically omit the chorus when it repeats, in this instance, I think it’s important to cite it one more time.
Every stoplight I didn’t make Every chance I did or I didn’t take All the nights I went too far All the girls that broke my heart All the doors that I had to close Everything I knew but I didn’t know Thank God for all I missed ‘Cause it led me here to this
It led me here to this
It’s a reminder that we face so many decisions every day in our life. It seems as if some matter and some don’t’. They all matter. They all help us become the person that we are today. They give us the life that we have today. Since my father died, I have faced a number of challenging life situations. It has shown me who in my life really cares and who was really transactional. It has also taught me that if I value people, it is MY obligation to reach out and tell them. It is MY responsibility to call or text them, even if just to say hi and I was thinking of you. I know first-hand how much those calls and texts mean. I know that sometimes they are the difference in somebody else’s life. I have the ability to take the chances, to act, and to not allow excuses of things that don’t really matter get in the way. Or I can choose not to take that action and let people fade away from my life.
This song makes me ask myself the following:
Who do I want to be?
What are my values?
What do I stand for?
How do I show my gratitude for being who I am today and for the life that I get to live today?
Am I happy with the person I am and the life that I have today? When I answer this last question with a resounding YES, it means I am accepting of every little decision or choice I have made, knowingly or unknowingly, because without them, I would not be the person I am today nor would I have the life that I have.
This week is another Tim McGraw song. This one, “Humble and Kind”, is from 2016, once again highlighting how far behind I am in discovering country music legends. I chose this for many reasons, as you will see below. If you want to watch the video, I have included it.
The lyrics begin:
You know there’s a light that glows by the front door Don’t forget the key’s under the mat When childhood stars shine Always stay humble and kind
Growing up, the key was always under the mat. At my house or at my friends’ homes. Everybody knew it, nobody took advantage. It was a different time. More than just having a key under the mat, the door was always open if you needed a place to go. Many times, I had friends who needed to get out of their house and a safe place to hang out and sleep over. My house was that place. My parents would often joke that they didn’t know who was staying for dinner or who was gonna be there for breakfast. They cared only to the extent that they wanted our house to always be a safe place for our friends.
It was a great lesson growing up. Treat everybody the same. It doesn’t matter what their home life is like, how much money they have, what type of prestige their family may or may not have. People are people, friends are friends. It was one of my first lessons in kindness and has left a deep impact on me and my siblings. It was also a lesson in humility, one that I didn’t really understand until much later in life. My parents didn’t do this for recognition. It wasn’t something that was publicized amongst their peers in the neighborhood. It was private. It was personal. It was about taking care of the kids, our friends, and making sure they had what they needed. It was truly them being humble and kind. It is why my childhood friends all have such strong respect and love for my parents to this day.
Go to church ’cause your mamma says to Visit grandpa every chance that you can It won’t be wasted time Always stay humble and kind
This verse highlights three very important things. First, listen to your parents. When I reached my teens, all of a sudden I was brilliant and knew everything. My parents knew nothing. Listening to their guidance became optional for me and they had to force me to listen with threats of being grounded, losing access to a car, money, or the ability to go and do the things I wanted to do. So, in this little, throw-away addition to the first line, the lesson is provided. Listen to your parents. They may seem old, boring, and not up to date with what’s happening in the world today. And they may be. But they also have the wisdom of life’s experiences and can help you avoid many pitfalls. I often ask myself what my parents would say to me and when I am not sure, I call my mom for her guidance. I always wish I could still call my dad.
Charles Barkely, one of my favorite commentators on life, puts his own spin on this
The second lesson is the importance of spirituality in our lives. It doesn’t matter if you prefer church, synagogue, the mosque, temple, nature, the beach, or anything else. Finding spirituality in your life provides a grounding base for life. Life is filled with ups and downs, risks, and consequences. Having that spiritual base provides comfort. It opens the door to supportive relationships with others on that spiritual journey. As we go on the journey of life, having a spiritual base anchors us, and provides us stability. So, listen to your mamma, go to church (or synagogue or the mosque or the temple or experience nature or the beach), and build a spiritual base. As you get older you can pick your own spiritual journey if the one you started on with your family doesn’t resonate.
Finally, visit grandpa. It’s not just grandpa. It is grandma, aunts, uncles, cousins, and all your relatives. The time spent with family isn’t wasted time. As I think of my childhood, growing up spending significant time with all four of my grandparents, my great grandmother Rose, my aunts and uncles, and my cousins, I am so grateful for it. I think of going with my grandpa Si to visit his father, my ‘Poppy’. Poppy was already in his 90s when I remember him. He didn’t move well, he didn’t speak much. We would go over to see him, for my grandpa to give him a shave, and for me to sit on his lap as his great grandson. I remember the day he died and how sad I was to not be able to see him any longer. I was only six years old and when I talk about him with my brother, who is three years younger than me, he doesn’t even remember visiting him.
With my Grandpa Si. I have great pictures and memories with all my grandparents.
I think of the many lessons all of my grandparents taught me. Their love, guidance and support is something that I treasure. I watched my parents with my children emulate them. I watched the way my in-laws interact as their parents did with my wife and her sisters. It becomes a generational connection with the lessons of family, love, respect, honor, humility, and kindness being transmitted from one generation to another. I look forward to the day when I become a grandfather and have that opportunity to fulfill that role. I know that my great-grandparents, my grandparents, and my parents will be on my shoulders guiding me, helping to ensure that my grandchildren are also humble and kind people as they grow up and enter the world.
My sister called me today to talk about our Grandma Esther, who died more than 25 years ago. That’s a true legacy.
Hold the door, say “please”, say “thank you” Don’t steal, don’t cheat, and don’t lie I know you got mountains to climb But always stay humble and kind
My Grandma Ev and my mom, her daughter, were always on us about manners. Holding the door. Saying please and thank you. Writing thank you notes. Helping to clean up after meals. If we ever referred to my mom as ‘she’, we were told that is the cat (we never had a cat) and were to use proper names. I can still hear them saying, “What’s the magic word?” (the answer is please), I remember in middle school when we took home economics, the issue of manners was an easy one for me because it was drilled into me at home. It’s something that I have endeavored to do with my children as well. It doesn’t take much to have manners, just some effort.
Grandpa Len, Grandma Ev, Grandma Esther and Grandpa Si. That’s me with the big grin. I’m so lucky to have had the relationship with them that I did.
The other lesson this part of the song highlights for me is to have morals and ethics. My grandparents would emphasize this all the time. Who you are when nobody is looking is who you are. What you do when nobody sees is what shows your morals, values, and ethics. If you want to be a good person, then you do it all the time, not just when people are watching. The future is unlimited, and we were taught not to take shortcuts to get there. No stealing, cheating, or lying. We learned early on that we got in much more trouble for lying than telling the truth. I remember getting caught cheating on a test in high school and getting in much more trouble for that than failing the exam and getting a bad grade that marking period. As kids, when we would take something from a store without paying, we were made to not just return it but to apologize to the store owner. Raising my children, I have done the same thing and shared the same messages. I’m proud of the people my sons are. How they live their lives and live their values. And I know my grandparents are looking down and smiling, knowing it was their influence.
We have bright and exciting futures ahead of us, no matter where we are in life. It’s important to remember that throughout the journey we must remain humble and kind.
When the dreams you’re dreamin’ come to you When the work you put in is realized Let yourself feel the pride But always stay humble and kind
As I just wrote, we have bright and exciting futures. In the words of Theodore Herzl, “If you will it, it is no dream.” So, the dreams we have require work to realize. My grandparents and parents always taught me that. The effort was more important than the results since the only thing we can control is our own effort. When I got an A but didn’t study, it didn’t impress my parents. If I worked really hard and ended up with a B, they were incredibly proud. The same was true in sports. Working hard to improve was more important than being the star. It’s the work you put in that means everything. It also may result in achieving your dreams.
The full Theodore Herzl Quote
I remember my first semester in grad school, I got 2 A’s and 2 B’s. My advisor called me to his office and told me that serious graduate students didn’t get B’s. I took that to heart and for the rest of that degree, I worked harder and got all A’s. It was the effort that mattered.
This lyric reminds us of that. We can be proud of our results. Graduating high school, college, graduate school, law school, medical school, or building a successful business are all wonderful achievements. The important part is the work we put in. So go ahead and feel the pride of the accomplishment but more importantly, recognize the effort that went into achieving the goal. That’s what really matters. So don’t be full our ourselves for the accomplishment. Instead, be humble and kind, because it’s the effort that really matters, not the accomplishment. Celebrate the effort, appreciate the gift of the accomplishment.
Don’t expect a free ride from no one Don’t hold a grudge or a chip and here’s why Bitterness keeps you from flyin’ Always stay humble and kind
I love how these lyrics build off each other. Just as I finish writing about how it’s the effort that matters, not the outcome, the song emphasizes this with stating there is no free ride. Nobody gives you anything, it’s all earned. So if you are going to have to earn what you get, don’t hold grudges or live with a chip on your shoulder. Living with bitterness only diminishes ourselves. It doesn’t hurt the other person. It’s like being angry at somebody and punching yourself in the face. They don’t feel a thing, but we sure do.
If our goal in life is to enjoy every minute, why would we want to limit ourself because of other people? Why would we want to let other people rent space in our heads without paying for it? That’s why the song reminds us to stay humble and kind. By doing that, we aren’t letting somebody else control our lives. We aren’t giving our power away to somebody we don’t even like. It’s an important life lesson for happiness. Often we think that our ego will make us feel good when in reality, it’s being humble and kind, focusing on our own part and not worrying about other people’s behavior.
Know the difference between sleeping with someone And sleeping with someone you love “I love you” ain’t no pick-up line So always stay humble and kind
‘”I love you” ain’t no pick-up line’ is such a powerful statement. In today’s world, love becomes a word that is thrown around too often and recklessly. It was the key word to use when you were trying to sleep with somebody. Telling them you loved them was the key statement. If you were able to throw that out there, sex was the likely outcome. But then you were stuck with the impact of your words.
It reminds me of one of my favorite songs, Paradise by the Dashboard Light by Meatloaf.
How often do I get to use a song as I analyze the lyrics of another song? In Paradise, the end of the song is the perfect example of this.
I couldn’t take it any longer Lord I was crazed And when the feeling came upon me Like a tidal wave I started swearing to my god and on my mother’s grave That I would love you to the end of time I swore that I would love you to the end of time! So now I’m praying for the end of time To hurry up and arrive ‘Cause if I gotta spend another minute with you I don’t think that I can really survive I’ll never break my promise or forget my vow But God only knows what I can do right now I’m praying for the end of time It’s all that I can do Praying for the end of time, So I can end my time with you!
The risk of throwing the phrase ‘I love you’ out there recklessly is that if you have morals and ethics, you get stuck. Meatloaf said it to get what he wanted and now is ‘praying for the end of time.” Our desires to sleep with someone instead of sleeping with someone you love can be compared to many of our choices where we go against our morals, ethics, and values. When we stick to them, when we remain humble and kind, we don’t have to worry about praying for the end of time. Kindness and humility doesn’t just help others, it helps us.
When it’s hot, eat a root beer popsicle Shut off the AC and roll the windows down Let that summer sun shine Always stay humble and kind
As the song begins to conclude, the lyrics get more general about life itself Appreciate what we have when we have it. When its hot, have something cool. Enjoy the moment. Don’t worry about what we don’t have, focus on what we have. Grab the opportunity with two hands and enjoy every moment of it.
I remember growing up and spending summers at my grandparents’ house. The ice cream (or Good Humor as my grandfather would say) man would come every day and getting that popsicle or ice cream on a hot afternoon was everything. It was simple. It was delicious. It was special. Asking for that dime (and then quarter as I got older, and prices went up) was a big deal. Running after the truck, catching it, and walking away satisfied made the entire day. It’s hard to believe today, but AC wasn’t a given back then. Fans would be moving the air, windows would be open, and we would wear shorts and t-shirts. TV was only on at night, starting with the news. That summer sun shone and we took advantage of it and enjoyed every moment.
It’s a life lesson for today. Forget about video games, screens, monitors, and staying inside. Sit outside and read a book. Go for a walk. Play outside with friends. Go for a swim. Be with other people in person. Don’t use zoom or facetime or internet and headphones with a video game. Be in person. Interact with other people. Pay attention to their nonverbal communication because you are really ‘with’ them, not just in the same place virtually.
Be humble about the toys and the technology. Be kind with your time. There is nothing like being together in person with people. Don’t ever forget that.
Don’t take for granted the love this life gives you When you get where you’re going don’t forget turn back around And help the next one in line Always stay humble and kind
The closes with an important reminder. Don’t take things for granted. Don’t expect there will always be time to say what you want to people. To get together with people. Don’t take for granted the people who love you and who go out of their way to help in any way they can.
When you reach new status in life, don’t forget the people who were there along the way. If you move to a nicer house, in a different neighborhood, don’t forget your friends who were there for you during the times you lived in your old house in your old neighborhood. If your life changes to where you are now traveling to exotic places where some of your old friends can’t go, don’t leave them behind. Make the time to be with them and enjoy every minute in the places you can both be at. The one thing we know is that life will change. Our circumstances will change and be different from our friends and loved ones. The question is will we change? Will we still talk to the people we talked to every day before things changed? Will we judge them for the difference in status or accept and love them for who they are? We may not notice our behavior, but they will. And when we need them in the future, they won’t forget that we forgot them. People are not disposable.
The final two lines focus on three things, two of which we have repeatedly discussed and will close with. Humble and Kind. The other is helping others. It often takes very little to help somebody else. Holding a door, sharing an umbrella, giving somebody a ride, letting them use your phone. So many little things happen every single day where we have the opportunity to lighten up somebody else’s day with a little kindness and humility. The three go together to make the type of world we all want to live in. Don’t shirk your responsibility. Remember to help. Remember to be humble. And remember to be kind.
Friendship is an interesting thing. It’s based on mutual respect and trust. It’s something that is based in faith and belief. There is no way to ‘prove’ that somebody is your friend. There are plenty of times when one person thinks they are friends, and the other person thinks they are acquaintances. Or you say ‘friends’ but don’t really mean you have depth of friendship; it is just easier than saying acquaintances.
Over the past 1 ½ years, I have had the opportunity to learn first-hand about friendship and what it really means to me. When my dad died in September 2022, I saw who reached out, who showed up, and who really cared. When these things happen, it’s always a surprise, as people who I think will show up don’t, and people I never imagined would show up, do. Friendship is about showing up. It’s about being there because you are care about the other person.
Over the last 18 months, my life has taken many twists and turns. There have been ups and downs, challenges, and successes. As life has shown up, so have my real friends. Those who I thought were friends and didn’t show up, indicated that I was wrong. We were merely acquaintances, people with a shared interest, but not friends. It’s been amazing to see the character of different people through this process and it has allowed me to make changes in who I want in my life and who really matters.
This week alone has had a number of instances that highlight true friendship. A good friend of mine’s husband died 3 weeks ago. I knew him as well and while he wasn’t in good health, nobody expected him to die when he did. I reached out when I heard and then called her yesterday to connect and talk. Despite all that she is going through, she wanted to know about me. We connected on a deep level and finished by telling each other “I love you’. It’s a deep and wonderful friendship that I treasure.
Another friend reached out because he is being interviewed for a PBS special and wanted to both tell me he is talking about me and also ask for a picture as they want one to show during the documentary. I was blown away and humbled when he shared this with me. We have been friends since he was an undergraduate student at The University of Florida (UF), and I was running UF Hillel. I made sure he went to Israel as a student and served as a reference for him to do his master’s internship in Israel. We have remained close over the past 20 years, and I let him know exactly what it meant to me that he chose to talk about me. I’ve followed his career and been proud to call him a friend. We check in with each other and check on each other.
I have a few friends that I speak with a few times a week and have done so for decades. We support each other through challenging times and have been there during the good times and the bad. Despite talking 3-4 times per week, it’s always a joy when their name pops up on my phone. I know that I can call them and talk about anything, and they know the same about me. When I think about how important that is, I am astounded that I have so many of them. I always thought I’d be lucky to have one friend like that and I have half a dozen. They truly are like family.
I have my friend who is like a brother – his mom was my mom, his Aunt Jean was my Aunt Jean, my mom is his mom, and my dad was his dad. My brother and sister are his siblings. His wife is like my sister. His kids call me Uncle Keith and mine call him Uncle Aric. It’s a 35-year friendship that goes deep. Either of us will drop anything if needed. We have been through all of life’s challenges together. Getting married, having children, losing parents, career changes, parenthood issues, and so much more.
Aric and me back in the day when we were roommates at Penn State. Can you guess our favorite baseball team?
My friend Todd has been in my life for more than 36 years. We went through the death of his mother and two brother, my dad, both of us meeting our future wives and getting married, having and raising children, two of his kids getting married, our professional journey, and much more. We talk all the time and even have our special guys only cruise each year now to hang out without interruptions. He’s my best friend and completely dependable. We make fun of each other, have lots of incriminating stories about each other we laugh about privately, and are each other’s sounding board. I can’t imagine life without him as a key part of it. How lucky am I?
Todd and I on our guys cruise. His brother Eddie joined us on this one.
My dear friend Ron has been a sounding board and confidante for 30 years. I was there when his wife was diagnosed with terminal cancer, I spoke to her just before she died. When he had major surgery, I spent the day at the hospital with his family to support them and him. He has been there for me in some of the most challenging times of my life and has been a rock when I need a calm head to process things. A number of months ago he had a stroke. While he is recovering, he still has aphasia so it’s very difficult to talk, a drastic change in our relationship. We text daily and when I call and hear his voice, it brings a big smile to my face. We have already proven to each other there is nothing we won’t do to help each other and I treasure that friendship. Our morning texts are always the best way to start the day.
With my friend Ron. We’ve been through it all together.
My friend Harriet and I zoom or talk every week for the past 4 ½ years. We started as part of a formal process in a program we were a part of. We enjoyed each other’s company and insights so much we never stopped. I know she is always just a call away for support and guidance and she knows I am there for her. It’s amazing to have this type of friend, somebody to share personal and professional challenges, excitements, opportunities, happy times, sad times, and challenging times. Sometimes, when things get a bit too crazy, we cut it short to 15 or 30 minutes, just to hear each other’s voice and do a quick check in. It’s a friendship I treasure and the bonus is I got to discover her author husband and his amazing books!!
My friend Harriet and her husband Howie. Check out his books, especially the Jonah Geller series!
What do all of these people have in common? When the chips were down for either of us, they were there for me, and I was there for them. It didn’t matter what else was going on, our relationship and friendship came first. The friendships have been through tough life experiences and proved themselves. They have stood the test and survived and thrived.
The last 18 months have highlighted friendships, both real and imagined. I have seen who my friends really are by their actions. And I have learned who I thought were friends but really aren’t. Those who didn’t show up in a time of need. Those where the relationship did not stand the test and have not survived. These are often sad to realize and can hurt my heart. People who I thought I was close with. People where we shared and provided support in the good times, absent when I faced the challenging ones.
I have learned that life is too short to be caught up and invest time in people, careers, organizations, and other things that don’t provide value. I’ll never forget the first time I learned this with who I thought was a friend. I was sitting on the front porch of a camp bunk while somebody I thought was a good friend started talking bad about me. I was stunned to hear a ‘friend’ talking behind my back this way. It showed me that we really weren’t friends, and I chose not to invest any more time in that relationship. It was incredibly painful but also incredibly impactful.
Most of the time I feel like a kid. It’s hard to reconcile thinking and feeling like I am in my 20s and really being in my mid 50s. The realization that more of my life is behind me than ahead of me was a stark one and truly life changing. It was also incredibly freeing as it meant that I could release the societal expectations of work, career, status, title and look at what I really value. Family, friends, mental and physical health. As I sit in the airport, traveling to Chicago for a family Bat Mitzvah that I might have missed in the past, I am so grateful to my friends who have showed up and been there over the last 18 months. And I’m even grateful for the people who I thought were friends and have learned really aren’t, because they haven’t showed up. They have given me a gift as well.
It makes me think of the lyrics of one of my favorite songs that we used to sing when I was in BBYO, You’ve got a Friend by James Taylor.
When you’re down and troubled And you need some lovin’ care And nothin’, nothin’ is goin’ right Close your eyes and think of me And soon I will be there To brighten up even your darkest night
You just call out my name And you know, wherever I am I’ll come runnin’ To see you again Winter, spring, summer or fall All you have to do is call And I’ll be there You’ve got a friend
If the sky above you Grows dark and full of clouds And that old north wind begins to blow Keep your head together And call my name out loud Soon you’ll hear me knockin’ at your door
You just call out my name And you know, wherever I am I’ll come runnin’, runnin’, yeah, yeah To see you again Winter, spring, summer or fall All you have to do is call And I’ll be there, yes, I will
Now, ain’t it good to know that you’ve got a friend When people can be so cold? They’ll hurt you, yes, and desert you And take your soul if you let them Oh, but don’t you let them
You just call out my name And you know, wherever I am I’ll come runnin’, runnin’, yeah, yeah To see you again Winter, spring, summer or fall All you have to do is call And I’ll be there, yes, I will
You’ve got a friend You’ve got a friend
Ain’t it good to know you’ve got a friend Ain’t it good to know, ain’t it good to know Ain’t it good to know You’ve got a friend
Oh, yeah, now, you’ve got a friend Yeah baby, you’ve got a friend Oh, yeah, you’ve got a friend
That’s the best definition of friendship I have ever found. Whatever the need, whatever is going on, you are always there for each other. I’ve written a lot about morals, ethics, and values. Friendship is all about this. It’s all about understanding what is important and what isn’t. My family and friends come first. Always. I can get another job, find a way to make money, get a different car or house. People are indispensable. As the song I wrote about previously said so beautifully, “You can’t get new, old friends”.
I know who my real friends are. Some surprised me in how they stepped up. Some surprised me in how they didn’t. At the end of the day, all we really have is people and time. I have chosen to value them over everything else. In a world dominated by money, power, prestige, titles, and divisiveness, the lesson I have learned is that it is ok to reject those as important principles and put people first. To live an ethical life is worth more than any amount of money. As I was talking to Harriet today on our weekly call, she commented at how nice it was that I could go to this family Bat Mitzvah and do all the things I have been doing recently. And she was right. The change in attitude and in understanding what is important has given me the gift of freedom that I didn’t even know I was missing.
Friends do that for you. Friends are the lifeblood we all need. Real friends. True friends. Ones that don’t just talk the talk, but those who walk the walk. 2024 is a year all about investing in the people who show they are friends through their actions. I’m so appreciative of those who have shown me they are my real friends and just as appreciative of those who have shown me that they are not. Life is whole lot better when you have the right people in it.
I’m grateful for all the right people I have in my life. You know who you are.
What is the definition of a friend? How do you know who your real friends are? Today’s blog talks about that.
This week I had a number of songs that I was considering writing about. One of the great things about music, and art in general, is that when you begin paying attention to it, there is inspiration all around. I finally settled on a 2003 song by Brooks and Dunn called Red Dirt Road. It’s a song about growing up in a small town, the lessons you learn in places that get burned into your mind and memory, and the dreams of youth compared to the realities of adulthood. It seems like something worth digging into.
The song begins:
I was raised off of rural route three, out past where the blacktop ends. We’d walk to church on Sunday morning and race barefoot back to Johnson’s fence.
That’s where I first saw Mary, on that roadside pickin’ blackberries. That summer I turned the corner in my soul down that red dirt road.
We all grew up in different places, many of them with more similarities than differences. Growing up in the 70s and 80s meant that we spent a lot of time outside, riding bikes to friends’ houses, playing in the streets, at the creek, in the woods – whatever we could discover. It didn’t matter where you were raised, there was always a place where the blacktop ended, where there were fences to jump, fields to play in, dirt to roll around in, mud to get all over you. And as we played outside, there was usually a spark with somebody that got you interested in being more than just friends. That initial spark, as they sing about, turned a corner in our soul as we went from children to young adults. And that first spark, that first love, that first interest in somebody else, likely impacted the rest of our lives as we searched for that partner to spend our lives with.
There are many of these type of moments in our lives in which that first spark is created that drives an interest we keep for the rest of our lives. I still remember my first NY Yankees game at the Stadium in 1976. It was electric. There was excitement in the air. It felt special and when the Yankees won in the bottom of the 9th I was completely hooked on baseball, the Yankees, and Yankee Stadium. Nearly 50 years later that hasn’t changed. I still love going to baseball games and taking my family. My kids are big baseball fans because of the spark that I had in 1976 and the desire for them to find that same spark as they grew up.
Yankee Stadium in 1976Yankee stadium with Evan – I took both kids on their own tripsYankee Stadium with Matthew on his trip. My brother Lawrence and niece Hannah joined us for one game
While neither are Yankee fans now, I had my moments when they were little
I remember the spark that turned into a career. That first fundraising gift that I closed. The excitement of what it was going to enable to happen. How that would change the lives of other people. 25 years later, I still get that rush when I have the opportunity to raise money to do something that will change lives. What it feels like to do something that changes lives. Hearing from people the impact had on them many years later. All coming from a spark. Yesterday I spoke with a friend that I met nearly 25 years ago. I have loved following his journey and am proud to have a played a small role in his life. It was amazing to hear how much we have in common today, how that spark that was created 25 years ago has continued to grow and how we are both impacting people in different ways.
So while Brooks and Dunn are singing about a romantic spark, they are really talking about so much more. It’s the spark of spirts connecting beyond romance. It’s the connections that occur when you have that organic experience. Mary was picking blackberries. I can think of so many other people in my life where that spark happened in other random places.
Her daddy didn’t like me much in my shackled-up GTO I’d sneak out in the middle of the night throw rocks at her bedroom window. We’d turn out the headlights and drive by the moonlight Talk about what the future might hold, down that red dirt road.
It’s never about what other people think. Daddy didn’t like him, but it didn’t matter and didn’t stop him. Once there is that spark and that connection, nothing stops it. As I look at the various people in my life where that spark of connection built a lifelong relationship, it never mattered what other people thought. It doesn’t matter about the outward differences because of that soul connection. If I wanted to focus on the differences, I’d see people of various ages, genders, economic status, political party affiliation, religions, races, and so much more. I have never let any of those differences interfere with that connection.
When I think of my best friends, the people who I talk with regularly, the men who I call brother, the women I call sister, it’s amazing to see the internal connection yet the external difference. It shows that what other people think doesn’t matter. One is an Orthodox Jew, another is Christian, yet another is almost 20 years older than me and African American and Christian, another is a gay man. My friends are just as diverse. Some have significant incomes, and some don’t. Some are older, some are my age, and some are younger. They are Jews, Muslims, Christians, Bhai, and atheist. They are my friends because of who they are on the inside, not because of who they are on the outside. The world today may tell me that we are very different, but we are not – we are connected through the soul and those differences don’t matter.
If I were to listen to what is being said in the world today, they wouldn’t be my friends. Just like the ‘daddy’ in the song who didn’t like him, I wouldn’t be allowed to like my friends. I’d have to sneak around to be friends with them. So, while the world wants us to focus on the differences, I choose to focus on the similarities. I choose to focus on the connections I have with my friends. I’d rather talk about the future and how our experiences can help each other get through life. I’d rather live in a world where people are judged by who they are and how they act rather than some generic stereotype based on their religion, skin color, ethnicity, or sexual identity. It’s a much better way to live.
It’s where I drank my first beer It’s where I found Jesus Where I wrecked my first car I tore it all to pieces.
Those special places from our childhood have special meaning to us. So much of our lives happened in those small towns, random places, with childhood friends. There is that place we gathered to drink. The special place to go with a date. One of my friend’s fathers lived in an apartment and his fiancé had her own apartment. His dad stayed at his fiancé’s apartment so that apartment became our special party place. Nearly 40 years later we still talk about the apartment, the parties we had there, and the stories of what happened there. The JCC in Harrisburg, PA which was a place my Jewish and non-Jewish friends would spend time. City Island for concerts, the Susquehanna River for sailing. There are so many special places, our red dirt roads, that will always have special meaning to me and to my childhood friends.
These places continue throughout our lives. There are those locations where meaningful things happened, where relationships were formed and cemented. I moved to Gainesville in 1992 and as I made friends, those places developed. Skeeter’s and their giant biscuits. Our weekly group of 20 that would go to Perkins. The weekend breakfast at 43rd Street Deli. Bill (z’l) and Rick’s (z’l) house on Monday nights for Chinese food and Northern Exposure. So many places that are tied to powerful memories of friendship. So many red dirt roads.
I learned the path to Heaven Is full of sinners and believers Learned that happiness on Earth Ain’t just for high achievers (I learned) I’ve come to know there’s life at both ends Of that red dirt road.
It’s the time we spend on our own red dirt roads that teach us so much. We build those friendships that last a lifetime. These lessons teach us that people are people. Throughout our life, we make mistakes and that we behave ethically. Nobody is perfect. The ‘path to heaven’ isn’t just for believers and doesn’t exclude sinners. We have the ability to change and do better. We all make mistakes. The key question is if we learn from our mistakes. Do we strive to improve? Are we willing to accept the limitations and challenges put upon us or are we going to put for the effort to do better than where we began?
The next line talks about happiness is for everybody. It’s not just the best of the best. We all have the right to be happy and can be happy. The key is measuring ourselves against ourselves. If I base my definition of success against the financial success of Bill Gates, Warren Buffet, or Jeff Bezos, I will always fall short. I will never measure up, never be ‘successful’. It’s fool’s gold. But if instead, I look to measure myself against my needs, it’s a different story. I have a place to live, and I like it. I have a job, food, a vehicle, clothes, and the ability to do things I enjoy. Happiness is entirely defined by the expectations I put upon myself. I don’t have to live in the most expensive home, drive the most expensive car, have multiple vacation homes, etc. to be happy. Happiness isn’t just for the ‘high achievers.’
Over the years, I have spent a lot of time talking with my ‘spiritual advisor’, Mickey Singer, about happiness. How it’s truly self-defined. How we choose to limit ourselves in our happiness because expectations. Brooks and Dunn are telling us clearly that to be happy is actually easy. It’s the difference between having what you want and wanting what you have. As long as our basic needs of food, shelter, and clothing are met, the rest is merely a matter of perspective.
Mickey’s teachings are truly inspiringMickey taught me that happiness is a choice. I choice to be happy.
The last line of the verse is one of my favorites. I’ve come to know there’s life at both ends of that red dirt road. It doesn’t matter where we have come from or where we are today. Life exists in all places. One isn’t better than the other. They are different points on the journey we call life. We may look back at the time on that red dirt road and remember ‘the good old days’, but they rarely were as good as we remember, and the times today are usually just as good if not better. They are just different. I think back to childhood and my red dirt roads, and they are great memories. Far better than the actual time was. We embellish, we remember differently now than what it was then. There are pieces we long for. It sounds so great now to think back to when I lived in my parents’ house, and everything was taken care of for me. I didn’t have any real bills to pay. The stress level, in hindsight, seems like it was so much lower than as an adult with life responsibilities. I also know that if I could go back and talk to the me of that time, that me would tell this me that the stresses I faced were real and could be overwhelming. Pressure of college acceptance, high school cliques, living under my parents’ rules. And that me would tell this me how lucky I am that I have my own home, set my own rules, get to pick the career I want and spend my money the way I want. It’s all relative.
The important message for me in this section of the song is to enjoy the moment. Each moment in our live is a unique opportunity to experience life. When that moment is gone, so is the opportunity to experience and learn from it. Both sides of the red dirt road are valuable and important. One isn’t better than the other. Life is a journey until it is over, why would we want to miss out on any of it and the opportunities that each step in that journey provide. It’s not about being a sinner or a believer. It’s not about the good old days or the challenges of today. It’s about the journey of life that we get to experience and enjoy, if we choose, until it ends.
Mickey taught me this and it’s something I live by. When I read it, I can hear his voice telling it to me
I went out into the world, and I came back in I lost Mary, oh, I got her back again And driving home tonight, feels like I found a long-lost friend.
The song’s last verse has a haunting piece to it. We leave our hometown. We leave our childhood friends, lovers, families, and red dirt roads to go out into the world and experience it. Whether it is college, the military, jobs – it’s the next step in our life journey and we leave things behind. At some point we have the opportunity to reengage with our original red dirt roads, with our childhood friends. It’s rarely what we thought it would be like. Those childhood crushes that we thought and hoped would turn into something more, never did. Our lives and theirs took different paths. Some of those childhood friends have passed away young. Others have had serious life challenges. Yet others have been wildly successful. We lost the dream of the future when we were children, but we didn’t lose the people in the dreams. It’s just different.
Bruce Springsteen’s ‘My Hometown’ captures this essence as well.
I think of my own life and some of the relationships I had with those childhood friends. Some I thought might be forever romantic partners and they aren’t. Some I thought would be best friends and we would be connected forever, and we aren’t. Others have become better friends over the years or at a later time, when we reconnected, ended up being closer than we ever would have imagined.
In the song, he lost Mary as a lover and future partner. His life, and hers, went on different paths than they ever imagined. Yet the opportunity to reconnect was there and they did. It wasn’t what they thought it would be on the original red dirt road, however it’s still special. It’s still important and meaningful.
I am grateful that I still have some type of relationship with so many of the people from my red dirt roads. They are all very different. Some are more casual and connected mainly online. Others we text and talk. Still others we make time to see each other as often as possible. The quality of the relationships is high, no matter what it was like as children or how often we get to see each other. The time on our red dirt road bonded us in a way that can never be broken.
At the end of the day, I think that’s what inspires me most about this song. It’s truly about experiencing the journey of life and realizing that the connections we make with other people can last a lifetime. But it takes effort. If he hadn’t reached out to Mary and reconnected with her, it would have been a relationship that was inactive. If we want the beauty of the journey of life, it takes ongoing effort, knowing that the work we put into relationships in the past isn’t wasted and isn’t gone, it just needs to be rekindled. When I listed to Red Dirt Road, I find myself filled with gratitude for the experiences and relationships I had as a child and the opportunities to continue those relationships as an adult.
To truly experience the journey of life, it takes effort. And it’s effort that is always rewarded.
Today is my dad’s (z’l) 80th birthday. Yes, that means he was a February 29th, leap year baby.
My favorite story about his birthday came from his mother, my Grandma Esther. When she took him to enroll in public school, they asked when she chose to celebrate his birthday. She asked why it would matter, as his birthday is his birthday. They told her that if they celebrated his birthday on February 28th, then he could enroll this year. But since that was the cutoff date, if they celebrated it March 1, he had to wait another year to enroll. You guessed it, she told them they celebrated on February 28th!!
My dad believed this 100%
My dad’s real birthdays were always a special celebration in part because they only came once every four years. I remember counting down until I had more birthdays than him (it was when I had my 8th birthday and he had to wait almost 2 full months for his actual 8th birthday! My brother and sister did it as well as did my kids. My son Matthew turned 20 two weeks after my dad died, having celebrated 19 real birthdays. We talked a lot about how he just missed celebrating his 20th before my dad did. Thinking about it now still brings tears to my eyes as it did when we lovingly talked about it.
As we prepare to celebrate his 80th birthday, and we will celebrate it, I find myself missing him a great deal, especially at this time in my life, and thinking of the lessons he taught me and how important they are and how core they are to who I am as a person. I want to share a few with you.
Family is Everything.
My dad (and my mom) not only preached this but lived it on a daily basis. Nothing came before family. For family simchas (celebrations), my parents were always there. Growing up, the entire family was there. With my cousin’s daughter’s Bat Mitzvah coming up, there is no question we’ll be there, just as we were for my other cousin’s son’s Bar Mitzvah last year. Family is everything and you don’t sacrifice family or family time for anything. You do whatever you can and whatever is needed for family.
Family is also not defined by blood. I have ‘Aunts and Uncles’ who are not related by blood. I have ‘brothers and sisters’ who are not related by blood. I have cousins who are more like siblings. My in-laws are second parents and my wife’s family is truly my family. I joke with people about my family because it’s gotten so big because so many people are part of it that aren’t blood related.
When it comes to family, we were taught that you do whatever is needed to help. Period. No, ‘if’s, ands or buts’ as my mom would often say. I’m grateful to my dad and my mom for instilling this in us as children. It’s not only how I live my life, but also what I teach my children, and Family First has been a core philosophy during the 25 years I ran nonprofit organizations.
All together for my parents 50th wedding anniversary
Be ethical – behave as if your mother will see everything you do on the front page of the New York Times.
My dad preached this all the time. When making decisions and making choices, always imagine that your actions or inactions will be on the front page of the NY Times and your mother, and her friends will see it. Is that what I really want my mom to see and read? Is that what I want her friends to be asking her about?
My dad always wanted us to think through our decisions. I can’t count how many times we sat and talked about different situations and went through all the possible outcomes. We’d discuss how we would handle it if this specific thing happened. What if it was something different? How would we handle that? What type of person do you want to be? How do you want people to view you? What values matter to you and how do you consistently act on them.
My long time friends have some great stories about me when I didn’t act that way. When I wouldn’t want my behavior and actions to have been on the front page of the NY Times. Most of those happened in high school and college, which isn’t surprising. That’s when we are testing boundaries, learning limits, and still believe that we are infallible. I use those stories to show my mistakes to my kids. To teach them from the things I didn’t do well how they can do better. They aren’t things I am proud of but they are the things that 13-22 year olds do. We often laugh at them now because they are certainly ridiculous and absurd. And they are the type of things I would never do now.
With my friend (who is a brother) Aric and his future wife Carol Ann. You can tell from this picture we were up to no good. He has a wealth of stories that thankfully he doesn’t tell.
My dad began instilling this in us as young children because I think he knew that it would take time for it to really set into our soul. That we wouldn’t understand as kids but by consistenly reinforcing it and teaching us, we would learn it before we made any catestrophic mistakes. His foresight is greatly appreciated and something I have copied with my children.
Thanks Dad, for making me question my actions and strive to always be ethical in my actions. I’m a better person, husband, father, friend, and colleague because of the time and effort you invested to teach me the importance of living an ethical life.
Be Kind
In recent times, there has been a focus on the need to be kind. In many ways this is due to the fact that so many people are not kind. They behave in ways that are atrocious, unethical, and shameful. The way they treat others is completely unacceptable. My dad taught us to be kind. He taught us that how you treat people says something about you and your character. It doesn’t mean you have to like or respect people, but it is important to treat them with dignity. It’s important to be kind.
This doesn’t mean I need to be a doormat. It means that until or unless somebody shows you that they don’t deserve kindness and respect, you give it to them. And even when they show you that, it’s important to behave in an ethical manner. My dad taught me that it is important to remember that at the end of the day, I have to live with myself and my decisions. This means standing up for what is right, what I believe in, and what are my core values. Although at times it takes work and a lot of effort, I can do this in a kind manner.
After my dad died, one of the things that was said about him the most was that he was a kind man. He had a heart of gold and never wanted to hurt anybody, only to help people. It’s one of the characteristics and personality traits of his that I strive to emulate.
Get Involved – make a difference.
My grandparents taught this to my parents who taught it to me and my siblings. Don’t stand on the sidelines. It is important to get involved and work to improve the world in whatever way you can. That was my dad as my cub scout troop leader when nobody else would do it. It was me coaching my kids’ sports teams. It is getting involved with Jewish life in one way or another. Working to connect with legislators who make the laws that we live with. Volunteering with organizations that do work that matters to you.
My dad taught me that life is a contact sport. Sitting on the sidelines isn’t what life is about. I got involved with a youth group in high school. Fraternity in college. Volunteering throughout my life. Working in the nonprofit world for the past 25+ years. Building relationships with people and always being willing to help them.
I was on the phone yesterday with a friend of a friend who connected us about some work-related topics. As we were talking, she asked if I could help with something totally unrelated to the conversation. My answer was 100% yes. Because that’s what I was taught to do. I was talking to another friend yesterday who thanked me for doing something to help them. I told them they didn’t need to say thank you, that’s what friends do for each other. Because that’s what I was taught.
My grandparents were volunteering in the synagogue, at the Jewish home for the elderly, raising money for JNF, volunteering and knitting slippers and sweaters for kids in the hospital. It was always something. They were involved in their community and their lives were richer as a result. I’ll never forget the stories of Holocaust Survivors sleeping on the floor at my great-grandmother’s house because they had no place to go and she just took them in until they could get settled. My parents ‘adopted’ a family from the former Soviet Union when they finally got out and came to the US. My mom is in touch with them today and they are another part of our family, unrelated by blood.
My kids often laugh at me when I talk about ‘my friend (insert name)’ because often times they have no idea which one I am talking about because they hear so many names. I have to clarify which person it is for them because they have grown up understanding that getting involved and helping others is what we do. It is one way that we can make the world a better place.
Thanks Dad. Thanks Mom. By teaching me this value, you’ve made me a better person and allowed me to impact the world in my own way.
My dad loved Nefesh Mountain and brought them to Tampa as a fundraiser to send kids to Jewish summer camp. It was his last major volunteer project.
Set goals. Setting them is more important than achieving them.
This sounds wrong. Isn’t it about what you achieve? I struggled with this when my dad would talk to me about this when I was a kid. Especially in high school when achievement was everything and effort didn’t seem to matter that much. Once again, he was right, and it just took me a little longer to understand it.
If you don’t set goals, you don’t know where you want to go. And if you don’t know where you want to go, you can end up anywhere. I didn’t understand that as kid. I wanted to go to college, have a career, make money, have a family, buy a house, retire, and enjoy my life. Those were goals and I knew where I wanted to go. But I didn’t know how to get there. It is like the famous Theodore Herzl quote, ‘If you will it, it is no dream.’ Just wanting it isn’t enough. You have to will it. You have to work for it. And if you don’t know the steps to take to get there, you likely won’t get there.
I set goals all the time. Goals for the day, the week, the month, the year. When I am working on a project, I have goals and milestones set to achieve so I can measure my progress. Financial goals for retirement. I have an objective for when my house is paid off, places I want to visit, things I want to do. Without setting the goals, I’d have no way to get to what I want to accomplish.
So yes, achieving the goals is important, but if you don’t set them first, you can’t achieve them. Once again, Dad you were right, it just took me a while to understand it.
People remember who you are, not what you did.
Simon Sinek’s amazing TED Talk, Start with Why, focuses on the fact that people don’t buy what you do, they buy why you do it. My dad knew this concept years before Simon’s TED talk, as he taught us this lesson as children. He was never caught up in what he did, but rather who he was a person. The number of stories we heard about my dad and the impact he had on people was incredible. People remembered who he was. They remembered the time he spent with them. The way he listened to them. The way he would always be there for them when they needed him, no matter what. It was who he was. The fact that he had a very successful career and made an impact in the pharmaceutical industry through research and getting new drugs through the FDA was nice, but it wasn’t what he thought was important.
Throughout my career, I have been most proud of the relationships I have built and the people who have been in my life at different stages that still are a part of my life today. People who used to work for me. Students from UF Hillel. Parents of students. Alumni. I have these interactions almost every week. This week alone it happened about 10 times. That’s not a typo – literally 10 or more just this week. I treasure those conversations and connections. I even told one of them today that I was writing about this in the blog as we connected about different things, talked about family, and it seemed like we had just been together yesterday.
I enjoy having the opportunity to remain in people’s lives for decades. To build and maintain friendships. To be a mentor, advisor, friend, colleague and watch their lives unfold. To be a part of their group and for them to be a part of mine.
After my dad died, the stories people told about him were remarkable. I’d heard the same theme throughout my life however after he died, the number of people who had those stories was truly remarkable. He was somebody who was there for everybody. He was known to sit down next to you, pat your thigh and ask, “So what’s going on good?” And then he listened. He heard them. He spent time understanding what they were really talking about and what they were really asking. And then he provided some suggestions and guidance that they could take or not. Most of the time they took it and expressed their gratitude.
One of my friends met my dad only once. He didn’t have a relationship with his own father and was astounded by the relationship I had with my father. He would always remind me of the interaction with my dad and how much it impacted him. He would imitate my dad when he told him, “Call me Barry.” That’s who he was to everybody. He was the person anybody and everybody could reach out to talk with, to share challenges with who would listen and give you 100% of his attention. He was a friend and confidante to so many people. I don’t think any of us realized just how wide and broad his impact in this role was until after he died.
People don’t buy what you do, they buy why you do it. People remember who you are, not what you did. Simon Sinek and Barry Dvorchik (z’l).
My dad and his 2 (biological) sons. He had many more who considered him to either be dad or Uncle Barry
February 29th will always be a special day for me. In many ways I’m glad that it only comes every 4 years, although having celebrated his birthday on February 28th most years means there still is a day that I will miss him even more. I’m very lucky to have had him as a dad and for the wisdom he imparted that I continue to hear in my head and continue to follow.
So today, February 29, 2024, do something special for Barry. Spend some extra time with your family. Call your kids or your parents or your grandparents just to say you love them. Talk with your siblings for no reason other than you love them, and if you have a strained relationship with family, make a commitment to work towards repairing it. He’s up there watching and nothing would make him happier than seeing people investing in their family in his name. And do what he loved to do more than anything…. start dinner by eating dessert first!
I love and miss you dad. Happy heavenly birthday.
One of my favorite pictures with my dad. This was at Evan’s Bar Mitzvah and we were filled with joy.
It’s Sunday so time to let music be my inspiration. This week it’s a song by Luke Bryan from 2017 titled, “Most People are Good”. It’s an interesting choice since not long ago, inspired by Anne Frank, I was talking about how there aren’t enough good people in the world. I’m honestly not sure if there aren’t enough good people or if they are just quiet and do good, or if the media just chooses to only focus on the bad. Perhaps it’s a combination of all three.
The lyrics are insightful and thoughtful.
I believe kids oughta stay kids as long as they can. Turn off the screen, go climb a tree, get dirt on their hands.
We live in a world where kids grow up way to fast. I think back to my childhood where we played outside every day. People had part time jobs for pocket money not as a primary goal nor to further our future careers. We played multiple sports and had diverse groups of friends. There was no such thing as “travel ball.” My mom would make us take off not just our shoes but our dirty clothes in the garage before entering the house. Times were simpler. The only screens were TVs and VCRs were fairly new so you could try to tape a show if you missed it but our lives were not dominated by TV, the internet (didn’t exist), streaming services, etc. We stayed kids as long as we could and that wasn’t a bad thing. When I look at how my kids and their friends grew up compared how I grew up, it’s truly a different world. We walked or road our bikes everywhere. Our parents didn’t know where we were every moment of every day through tracking software on cellphones or texting. Life was simpler. I have done what I can to provide that for my children. We have never tracked their location on their cellphones. We encourage them to stay kids as long as they can because adulting is both hard and long. Childhood is meant to be cherished and in today’s world, it’s now rushed through. I worry about our future when kids aren’t allowed and encouraged to be kids.
I believe we gotta forgive and make amends. ‘Cause nobody gets chance to make new old friends.
I consider myself lucky, in part because I have so many friends for more than 30 years. Some are more than 40 years and others more than 50. People who I grew up with. People who I have known most of my life. Like the song says, you can’t make new, old friends. Many years ago, I learned to ask a very important question. Would I rather be happy, or right? Most of the time, I’d rather be happy and choose actions that provide happiness. By choosing to be happy, I forgive and make amends. My friends stay my friends and we get through the challenges that all friendships and relationships have. Just this week I was talking to a friend from middle school and a friend from high school. I am getting together with a high school friend today because she is in town. These relationships are precious. They span decades and go back to a simpler time with cherished memories. In today’s world, we often let disagreements end friendships. Life is too short. Time is too precious. What do I gain from ending friendships that have lasted decades over unimportant things? I like that my children know my old friends. I like that they tell my children stories from ‘the old days’, even when they are embarrassing and especially when they are funny. Here are just a few pictures of a few of them.
I just got to spend time with Jim, Ananda, and Anna Marie at our friend Jeremy’s wedding. It has been years for some of us yet it felt like no time had passed.
My friend Aric who tells my kids classic stories they often don’t believe. We became friends in 1988 and are like brothers.
My friend Todd who has great stories to tell my kids, also ones they don’t believe. We became friends in 1987 and talk at least once a week.
My dear friend Ron – we have experienced the ups and downs of life together for the past 30+ years.
Larry and I met in either 1984 or 1985. We still talk every week.
Jamal and I have been friends for 20 years. He always inspires me and I am humbled when he says the same about me.
Darryl and I have been friends since 6th grade. He is now a mentor to my son Evan. Who wants to try to make new, old friends when you have old friends like this?
I read a very interesting article about two friends in Israel who allowed their political differences to impact their friendship. The impact of October 7th made them realize how important their friendship is and their disagreements politically aren’t a reason to not be friends. That’s a real life example of this lyric.
I believe in workin’ hard for what you’ve got. Even if it doesn’t add up to a hell of a lot.
My grandparents and parents taught me early in life the importance of hard work. They would often say that hard work is its own reward. As a kid, this was hard to understand. Hard work was to get a result. It was to obtain things. How could hard work be its own reward?
As I got older, I began to understand what they were talking about. It is about having a work ethic. It is about having values and living up to them. It is having integrity and working hard because it is the right thing to do, not because you will get a specific outcome.
The older I have gotten, the more I appreciate the things I have. Growing up and into my 30s it was all about more, more, more. The bigger house. The nicer car. More toys. The newest technology. Today I am grateful for what I have and often time realize that I would be just as happy, if not happier, if I had less. There is value in appreciating what you have and not wanting more all the time.
There is also another hidden message in these lyrics. Often times we judge people based on appearance. Based on the car they drive, the clothes they wear. This line urges us to look at the person, not what or how much they have. It reminds me of quote by the Reverend Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. in which he said, “I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.” The color of their skin, the amount of money in their bank account, the type of car they drive, the clothes they wear – all have nothing to do with the content of their character. All have nothing to do with the type of person and human being they are. We need to pay attention to who people are based on their actions, not their bank account.
A brilliant quote from To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee. We see what we look for.
I believe most people are good and most mamas oughta qualify for sainthood.
This is the line that I struggle with. Not the second part but the first part. In today’s world, are most people good? Half the country hates the other half. The rise in antisemitism is frightening. We literally see Nazis in Central Florida every few weeks. Sometimes in uniform, usually waving a big Nazi flag and chanting horrible things with awful signs. In Nashville there was a Nazi march where people were chanting ‘Heil Hitler’. This is not the 1930s in Germany. This is 2024 in the United States. Crime is up. Instead of random acts of kindness, we see random acts of violence. The rape, murder, and kidnapping of Jews on October 7th is acceptable only because they are Jews. Calls for a ceasefire happen daily but these people don’t demand the release of the hostages, now in their 133rd day of captivity. Too many good people are silent. It seems that over the past few years the famous quote, “The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.” was everywhere being said by everybody. Yet after October 7th, these people went silent. It seems there are daily demonstrations of the evil of humanity. I look every day for signs that most people are good and yet most people fail the test every day.
This was yesterday, 2 miles from my house. The hatred is real.I never thought I’d see Nazi flags flying like this in my lifetime. This was February 17, 2024.The growth of antisemitism is real. February 17, 2024 in Winter Park, FL.
It is a reminder to me that I can’t control anybody else. I am only responsible for myself. I can choose to be good. I can do my part to make the world a better place. I can choose to engage in random acts of kindness. I can choose to fight against all hatred and stand up and speak out. I can be an example and live true to my values. Perhaps if we each take responsibility for ourselves, we will end up with most people being good. At the end of the day, I’m not responsible for most people. I am responsible for myself.
I love the line about most mamas qualifying for sainthood. Being a parent is difficult and as I have watched my mom, my mother-in-law, and my wife, I see how much more difficult it is to be a mom. I don’t know if it is societal expectations and training or something innate, but the differences between being a mom and a dad are significant. I am ok with my children struggling – it’s part of life and learning important life lessons. My wife wants to protect them from any struggles, it’s in her DNA as a mom. We both love our children and want only the best for them. We talked about this last night, and I was fascinated by the difference in our points of view. So I agree with Luke Bryan – most mamas should be Saint Mama.
I believe most Friday nights look better under neon or stadium lights.
As the parent of a high school football player, there was not much better than Friday Night Lights and watching my son play each week. It was an incredible four years and six years after it ended, I still miss it.
I can dig deeper into this lyric and go beyond high school football. Growing up, Friday night meant Shabbat dinner. It didn’t matter what I wanted to do before or after, we sat down as a family, often with guests, for Shabbat dinner. My mom would light Shabbat candles, my dad would typically make kiddush, and one of the kids would say the Motzi. No matter what, we were together as a family for Shabbat dinner. When my son played high school football, that became our Shabbat dinner – together as a family, under the stadium lights, usually eating a hot dog or hamburger for dinner, and loving every minute of being together.
Friday night, Shabbat, gives me the opportunity to set aside the business of the week and focus on the things that are really important. Family. Friends. Spirituality. Health. Just like Friday Night Lights creates a special environment, Shabbat itself creates that opportunity, if we are willing to take it. I fully admit that I am not a traditionally shomer shabbat person. I do use Shabbat as a break from the week. It’s the day that I get to refocus and recenter. It’s the day I focus more intensely on family. As a family of college football fanatics, Shabbat has been a traditional day where all four of us sit together all day watching college football. When the kids were little, we all climbed into our bed. Now that they are bigger than me, we watch in the living room. It’s become a family tradition that is a break from the rest of the week.
Friday night looks better under the neon or stadium lights because of the uniqueness they offer. Friday night also looks better because of the uniqueness of Shabbat and the opportunity to, for one day, set aside the stress of the real world and focus instead on the smaller, more intimate world of family and friends.
I believe you love who you love. Ain’t nothing you should ever be ashamed of.
It makes me so happy that a country singer wrote these words and sings it proudly. Country music and fans of country music are often categorized as racist and homophobic. To have a major country music star make this type of statement helps improve the world. It says loud and clear that people are people. Who you love is your business and nobody else’s. And there is nothing wrong with loving whoever it is that you love.
Growing up, we had a tight group of friends that all went to Hebrew School together. Most of us also went to the same public schools. We remain close today and have a Facebook messenger chat group to keep in touch. I remember when two members of our tightknit group came out. It wasn’t a surprise to any of us. We had known for years and years. It didn’t matter because we love everybody in the group for who they are. We celebrate all the diversity of our friends because of who they are.
My confirmation class – we stay in touch 40 years later.
In a song about most people being good, this line is so important. Hate is simply unacceptable yet continues to grow in our world. It doesn’t matter who the hate is targeting. It can be the African American community, the LGBTQ+ community, the Asian community, the Muslim community, the Jewish community – hate is hate is hate. We must stand together against all hate because those who live in hate will simply move their hatred from group to group. Our power comes from standing together and strongly condemning all hate. Not allowing it to fester and grow. Hate is taught which means we can teach love instead of hate. Just like Luke Bryan, I believe you love who you love and there is nothing to be ashamed of. You are who you are and there is nothing to be ashamed of. If we want to live in a world driven by love instead of hate, we accept people for who they are and appreciate all the differences each of us bring to our community and to the world.
I believe this world ain’t half as bad as it looks. I believe most people are good.
Despite some of my struggles with most people being good, I find this line inspirational. Perhaps it is because he says it ‘ain’t half as bad as it looks’, recognizing that the world looks pretty bad today. So much of why the world looks bad is because of what the media shows us. The saying, “If it bleeds, it leads” has become more than the truth, it seems it is now the mantra for the media. We get shown the worst of humanity most of the time. We live in our own bubbles where we don’t interact enough with people who are different from us. We don’t celebrate our diversity and we don’t bother to try to understand others, instead we try to get them to agree with us.
In 2019 I had the gift of participating on the Encounter Immersive Program. This is a program that takes Jewish leaders to meet with leaders of Palestinian civil society for four days. I remember thinking that four days seemed awful short. After day 3, I was grateful it was only four days. The tagline for Encounter is “Listen, Learn, Lead.” And the program is really all about listening. It’s about understanding a different point of view and perspective. It’s not about trying to convince anybody of my beliefs but rather a chance for me to learn about their beliefs, their narrative, their story. It was a truly fascinating experience that I wrote about earlier in this blog – you can find the many posts I wrote near the beginning of this site. By listening, learning, and asking clarifying questions, I got a better understanding of the challenges in the region. It wasn’t just the simple good vs. evil or mine vs. yours. It gave me a chance to dig into challenges that have reframed by understanding. It only strengthened my Zionism while also increasing my humanity and building bridges.
If we can get beyond the surface answers and really spend time communicating – listening and learning – there is hope for the future. Not just in Israel but in the United States and around the world. There is so much clickbait and so many people only read the headlines without really understanding the details that it is easy to lose hope and only see the negative. I truly believe that most of us want the same things, it is more about how we get there and how we find was to talk about it that are the key. I think often of the stories of President Ronald Reagan and Speaker of the House, Tip O’Neill. They would spend all day arguing policy and at the end of the day, they would go out together and get a beer. How do we get back to the days when we focused on our similarities, not our differences?
So maybe the world really isn’t half as bad as it looks. We can certainly hope and do our part, since it looks pretty awful right now.
I believe them streets of gold are worth the work. But I’d still wanna go even if they were paved in dirt.
My parents taught us all that results aren’t promised. We can only do our part and put in the work. That’s what they asked of us – put in the work. I remember being happy in school getting an A- without any work and my parents being very upset. I didn’t understand. I remember working hard and only getting a B and they were happy and supportive. That confused me as well – wasn’t the A- better than the B? It took me a long time to understand that the value was in the work, not the result.
As I got older and began to understand the importance of the work itself, I began to learn things like not having control of the results. I can only do the work and put things in place for a likelihood of success. There are too many other factors to make it my responsibility for the outcome. The wisdom of Benjamin Franklin spoke to me when said, “If you fail to plan, you are planning to fail”. One of my mentors, Rabbi Mark Kram, was famous for saying “Failure to plan on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.”
Over the past years as I began to learn with a Rabbi, these thinking was reinforced again. I have learned with many Rabbis and educators. One common theme has been and continues to be that everything comes from God. Our job is to the work, not determine the results. Recently I was having dinner with my friend Harry Rothenberg, an attorney who is perhaps the best Jewish educator I have ever experienced. I watch his video blog every week and learn something meaningful each time. We were talking about how he had been stuck in terrible traffic and was going to be late to an event. He didn’t have a chance to eat lunch and there was a great cocktail reception before the event with delicious food. He was incredibly hungry and was going to miss the chance to eat. He was getting frustrated. He managed to make it to the event just as they were finishing clearing up the last of the food. Disappointed and hungry, he sat down for the event. At that time, he realized that the entire plan was one from God. He made the event on time. He arrived safely. Sure he missed the food but he wasn’t going to starve. He just missed the food. In the meantime, he had missed the bigger picture of everything being God’s plan. He realized he needed to do better.
Harry and me after dinner and a great learning session. I love having him as a friend and teacher.
I was inspired by the story for two reasons. First, if you are like me, you tend to get caught up in what is happening that minute and can lose sight of the big picture. I can get upset because traffic means I will be late. The person in front of me is driving slowly. I didn’t get to eat lunch and am hungry. All sorts of details that are happening right at that time but don’t really matter. I lose the big picture that I I will arrive where I need to get safely. That patience is a virtue. That I won’t starve and have plenty of food, just not at that minute. When I focus on the big picture, I get filled with gratitude. Even if the roads are paved in dirt, they feel like they are paved in gold.
The second part of inspiration is the desire to do better. There is always an opportunity to improve, to do a little more, to be a little better. My spiritual advisor, Mickey Singer, would often guide me that life is a journey to be experienced. We are here as a spiritual being, having a human experience, so experience it. Realizing that we can improve, that we can be better, and doing the work required to do better really does make those dirt roads into gold.
I believe that youth is spent well on the young. ‘Cause wisdom in your teens would be a lot less fun.
How many times have any of us said, “If I only knew then what I know now…”? Would we really want to know then what we know now? As a 16-year-old, would I really know and be able to follow through on things that took me 40 years to learn? Would that knowledge ruin the childhood that I talked about above? Would I be any better off knowing it then but not having the capacity or ability to really take advantage of it?
Youth is for the young. Our bodies are able to do more. We have more energy and the lessons of the world have not been learned yet. As somebody who grew up in the 70s and 80s, I look back with fond memories. Not because I want to be who I was back then but because of who I was back then. It was the only time in my life that I could be that person. That I could have the freedom offered to the young. No physical restriction. No limitations because of the responsibilities of a wife and children. No career to be concerned about.
I think about friends who didn’t have the luxury of youth when they were young. Financial insecurity. Issues with permanent housing. Unstable home life situations. They were forced to grow up quickly and had far more wisdom at 16 or 20 than I did. It comes at a cost. I think of the children impacted by the war with Israel and Hamas. They have far too much life wisdom now. How many of them would trade all of this wisdom to go back to an October 6th world?
We live in such a fast-paced world now that kids don’t get a chance to be kids. There is academic pressure that begins at an insanely early age. I remember a few years ago talking to parents about their 2-year-old child in our preschool. The child’s grandfather had already called Harvard about getting him on a wait list. Let me repeat, the child was 2 YEARS OLD! I think about the IB and AP courses my children took in high school and the academic pressure they faced. In hindsight was it really worth it? When I talk with them the answer is no – both would have been much happier doing a dual enrollment program or even taking regular coursework.
Youth is for the young. Let’s not steal it from them by trying to get them somewhere before they need to be there.
I believe if you just go by the nightly news, your faith in all mankind would be first thing you lose.
I stopped watching the nightly news a number of years ago. Everything was negative and the national news was focused entirely on their own spin. There is a reason there is no longer a news department and these programs are in the entertainment division. It is far too easy to find a news channel that will reinforce your own beliefs or will make you hate those with different views.
For a while I watched the CBS Sunday morning show because they only told happy and inspiring stories. It made me realize that there are plenty of these stories available if you look for them. We don’t have to be consumed with the negativity and lose our faith in mankind. We can find the stories that inspire us. That give us hope. One news site I follow does a story every Sunday where they allow a reader to tell a story of gratitude where they get to highlight the kindness somebody else did for them. It’s one of my favorite things to read because it reinforces faith in mankind.
The nightly news can be toxic. On October 7th, my friend the Consul General of Israel to Florida, told me to stop watching the news. It wasn’t healthy to be so focused and so obsessed on the murder, rape, and kidnapping of Jews by Hamas. I understood but also couldn’t stop. When I watched the Hamas video of October 7th, many people asked why I would want to see that inhumanity and put myself through it. I told them I needed to bear witness. We have to be careful with what we consume as it shapes our reality. I spend time talking with friends of mine in Israel, with friends who have had family members taken hostage – some have been released and some are still hostages. I talk with people who are actively looking to change the world through their actions. Medical research. Summer camp for children. People working with victims of terror to attempt to restore humanity. Mentoring and coaching youth who need the guidance and support to have a better future. Those working with pediatric hospitalized patients and seniors struggling with loneliness. People focused on finding the light in the world amidst the darkness.
We can find our faith in mankind restored when we choose to see the beauty happening all around us and make an active choice to join in that beauty.
I believe that days go slow, and years go fast. And every breath’s a gift, the first one to the last.
As a kid, the days went slow, and the years seemed to go slower. There was always something to look forward to. Turning 10 and being double digits. 13 was Bar Mitzvah. 16 was my driver’s license. Graduating high school and going off to college. 18 was voting. 21 the legal drinking age. Graduating college. Focusing on the milestones, time seemed to drag on as the next one was always so significant and exciting. I remember when my oldest son was born and being told that now the days will go slow, but the years will go fast. How true that statement became. It seems like yesterday my sons were in preschool, taking naps, and I was reading them bedtime stories as we cuddled, never certain who fell asleep first, them or me. Precious days and precious times. My wife commented to me the other day how much she misses my older son who is now in Tennessee starting his career. My youngest is still at home and we treasure the time because it goes too fast. In a few months he will be a senior in college, and we will prepare for the next big change in our lives.
I turned 56 in December. I still feel like I am in my 30s most days and there are times I feel like I’m back in high school. Yet 60 is around the corner. I remember when my Uncle Joe died at 50 years old thinking, “at least he lived a good long life.” I was 21 – what did I know? As a kid, filled with youth and being young, time was plentiful and abundant. Now it is the most precious commodity in the world. We only get so much of it and then it is gone forever.
I first experienced this when my cousin Eric died in 1995 at the age of 27. We grew up together and were like brothers. My childhood is filled with stories of Eric and me. One day he was here, vibrant, alive, with an incredible future. Then he was gone. I was blessed to know two of my great grandparents, all four of my grandparents, all four of my wife’s grandparents, and have great relationships with my parents and my in-laws. My great-grandparents and all eight of the grandparents are now gone. I treasure the time with them and appreciate all that I got. My dad died in September 2022, and I miss him every day. My cousin Todd, Eric’s younger brother, died tragically in 2015. After Eric’s death, he became another little brother to me, and we had many long and deep conversations. I had spoken with him a few days before he died. Every breath truly is a gift, the first to the last. And we are never promised the next one.
Its still hard to believe it has been almost 30 years since Eric died
I can’t beieve it’s 8 1/2 years since Todd died.
Over the last two years I had a number of health issues. I was still in the youth mindset of living forever and being indestructible, despite the clear signals that wasn’t true. My dad dying was the point where I knew I had to make changes. I lost weight, got in better shape, and tried to put better boundaries in my life. Work life balance became much more important as I realized that I had taken more breaths in my past than I would in my future. As these changes took hold and required significant life alterations, it really hit home when my mom said to me, “I was waiting for the call telling me you had a heart attack.” That statement shook me to the core and still does today. I’ve chosen to live my life differently as a result. Each breath we get is truly precious, from the first to the last. Why would want to waste a single one?
Who would have thought that a simple country music song would inspire a 5,000-word essay? I guess the need for believing that most people are good is really that important. The world we live in is so fraught with challenges that a simple believe in the goodness of people is essential and a given. Let’s join together to change that.
About 6 months ago I began subscribing to The Free Press. The articles have been great and each Sunday there is a focus by Douglas Murray called, “Things Worth Remembering” that in year one focused on poetry. I have to admit that for most of my life, poetry hasn’t been something that I really got. Yet getting this weekly article about a specific poem that really dug into the words began to inspire me. I went from glancing at it, to skimming it, to reading it and really enjoying it. The Free Press announced that year two of the column will now focus on great oratory of the ages.
I’ve also written about how behind I am with popular music. So, as I catch up on music, I thought I’d imitate the Free Press and use Sunday as a day to be inspired by music. Today’s song is from 2017, so I’m only 6-7 years behind the curve on this one. It’s by Scotty McCreary and called ‘Five More Minutes”. The words remind me of the past and inspire me for the future.
Eight years old, couple cane pole sittin’ down by the creek. Lines in the water, watchin’ those bobbers, seein’ that red sun sink. Mama’s on the porch yellin’, “Supper’s hot! Y’all come and get it!” We yelled, “Five more minutes.”
As a child, we played outside every day. Winter, Spring, Summer, or Fall, it didn’t matter how hot or cold it was, we were outside playing. The rules were when the streetlights came on, we had to head home. And every day, when the lights came on, we kept playing until at least one of our mothers who open the front door and yell at us to come inside for dinner. And just like in the song, we would groan and beg for just five more minutes. We never really wanted just five more minutes but that was what we asked for. As an adult, I look back on those days with such gratitude. We had no worries. We played all sorts of games outside with everybody in the neighborhood. The only worry we had was watching for the streetlights to turn on. There are many days that I wish for just five more minutes of that childhood without the pressures of life. As my children grew up, I wanted to give them to same type of experience. While the world had changed and technology meant they weren’t outside all afternoon like we were, I still wanted to give them the opportunity to ask for just five more minutes. I smile when it’s dinner time and my now young adult sons will ask for just a few more minutes to finish their game before they come to eat.
The joy of childhood is precious, and we lose it far too often. While as adults we have responsibilities beyond coming home for dinner when the streetlights turn on, we can find our own ways to do the things that bring us similar joy to we experienced in childhood. In the times we live in, bringing some childhood joy to our lives is critical to maintain our sanity.
At sixteen, it was 12:03, standin’ at her front door. And Katie’s dad said “Midnight,” but we needed just a little more. Yellow light flippin’ on and off interruptin’ that good night kissin’. We wanted five more minutes.
As a teen, it was no longer just come in for dinner when the streetlights came on. After dinner it was going out with friends. First it was just in the neighborhood and as we got older and could drive, it was midnight and later. It was exciting and thrilling. The night brought lots of opportunities, especially with dating. I remember many times sitting in the car or at the front door with the ‘goodnight kiss’, knowing that her dad was waiting inside to make sure she got home by curfew. And like the song, we always wanted just five more minutes. High school was all about the five more minutes of whatever we were doing, other than school. Dating, parties, youth group conventions, vacations – we always wanted just a little bit more.
When I look back, I find myself thinking about how to get that extra time with the things I love. Going to sporting events with my kids, the theater with my wife, vacations with my wife and with the family, concerts, spending holidays together, and so much more. I remember growing up hearing about how time was the most precious commodity we have and thinking how young I was and how much future was ahead. In my mid 50s, with 60 around the corner, I look back and appreciate the way I spent some of my time and think of the missed time that I can never get back. I treasure the time I got to spend with my grandparents and how integral all four of them were to me into my mid-20s and early 30s. I think of my great-grandma Rose and the time I spent with her. I think of my parents, my siblings (including my wife’s sisters and her family), my cousins, my in-laws, and my close friends.
As I look at the next two decades of my life, I want to focus on that extra five more minutes with the people I love and the people who matter to me. Time truly is the most precious possession we have, and I am grateful to be at a place in my life and with my career where I don’t have to sacrifice the time because of work, finances, or ego. I want to remember what it felt like being a teenager when I treasured every minute on a date, while being out with friends, and with everything that I did. Somehow when building a career and raising a family, these things get lost, and it is too easy to never recover them.
Time rolls by, the clock don’t stop. I wish I had a few more drops of the good stuff, the good times. Ah, but they just keep on flyin’. Right on by like it ain’t nothin’. I wish I had me a-, a pause button. Moments like those, Lord knows I’d hit it. And give myself five more minutes.
As a kid, time seemed to drag on. I remember being told that as I got older, the days would go slow and the years would go fast. I didn’t believe it nor did I truly understand it. I was young. Invincible. The future was mine and so much ahead of me. I remember turning 30 and thinking how old I was, because I grew up in shadows of the ‘don’t trust anybody over 30’ generation. I wanted a fast forward button, not a pause button. Fast forward through high school so I could be independent and move away to college. College was fun but I wanted to fast forward to building a career. Being single was fun but I wanted to fast forward to getting married and having children. Time was plentiful so why would I want to slow life down?
My fraternity brothers at one of our formals. Truly the best of times that went way too fast.
My friend Aric, who is like a brother to me, and his now wife Carol Ann. We joke that if it was ‘my turn’ when we met girls that she would have been my wife instead of his. It feels like yesterday but it was more than 30 years ago.
High school. Hard to believe this was almost 40 years ago. It feels like yesterday. We lost my friend Ellen (z’l) in the Penn Sweatshirt and sunglasses last year. Time goes too fast. I’d like 5 more minutes with my friend.
How naïve we are as young people. We think we are indestructible. We think we will live forever. We think nothing bad will happen. I would love to go back and use the pause button as my grandparents’ beach cottage every summer with extended family. I want to use the pause button on our family Thanksgiving touch football games and our family Passover whiffle ball games, especially when my grandparents would play in one way or another. I’d use the pause button when we celebrated both sets of grandparents 50th wedding anniversaries on the same cruise and when we celebrated my parents 50th wedding anniversary on another cruise. I’d hit the pause button on all the time I spent with my cousin Eric growing up together. I’d pause my wedding and honeymoon. I’d use it when my kids, Evan and Matthew, were little to get more of them as small children. When I look at the pictures that we have of them when they were both under 6, I wonder where the time went and how it went so quickly.
Family picture on my parents 50th anniversary cruise
My parents and their grandchildren as we celebrated their 50th anniversary.
The family in Curacao at the oldest synagogue in the western hemisphere. We had so much fun together celebrating my parents.
My cousin Eric and me at ‘the cottage’ cooking breakfast. We had amazing times together and at the cottage before his early passing. We had life plans that never happened.
While we don’t have a real life pause button, we do have the ability to treasure every moment and not miss them. I think of driving Evan to Tennessee to start graduate school and his college football coaching career and how I treasured every minute of the drive, moving him in, and shopping for the things he needed. I think of the times I went on college recruiting trips with Evan and when I took Matthew to visit and explore potential colleges. Going to theater with my wife and Matthew, sporting events with Evan and Matthew, and our special fantasy baseball ‘Get Together’ weekends with our ICBL brothers each year and smile as the memories are vivid and I enjoyed every minute. Recently I attended my friend Jeremy’s wedding and had the honor of officiating their marriage. Every minute of the time we all spent together was special and treasured. We have the ability to step back, slow down, and appreciate the gifts we have in our life. Too often, we look back and realize ‘we missed it’. I made the decision when my dad died that I wasn’t going to miss anything any longer. It was the experience that taught me the importance of time and how to treasure it. To live life as if there was a pause button so I appreciate all the moments.
Jeremy and me before the wedding. A memory I will never forget.
Evan, Matthew and me on the field before the game at Ben Hill Griffin Stadium during a recruiting vist to UF.
Alison, Matthew, Carla, and me at the Orlando Ballet’s performance of the Nutcracker. These are highlights we take advantage of while we can.
At eighteen, turned my helmet in and walked to the fifty-yard line. Just the coach and me after we lost eighteen to nine. And I cried, “Man, next time to get in here, I’ll have to buy a ticket. Can’t you give me five more minutes?”
My oldest son Evan played high school football and started all four years. We went to football camps together his last two years of high school. As a family, we didn’t miss games and the opportunity to watch him play. I’ll never forget his last high school football game as we walked the field arm in arm, as he was honored on senior night. I’ll never forget the look on his face after the game, a big win, and the connection he had with his coach. I remember the feeling I had at that moment, knowing I would never watch him play high school football again and that not only was his life changing, but mine was as well. We stayed on the field after the game for a long time to soak up every minute we could. And I remember thinking as we walked off the field how I wish I could have had just a little more time, just five more minutes, of that experience as it ended forever. When he told me that he had decided not to continue playing college football and instead wanted to start his coaching career early, while he was in college, I was devastated. He was fine with his decision and didn’t regret ending one stage and moving onto the next step in his career. I wasn’t ready. I was looking forward to watching him play, to celebrating his achievements, and struggled with the way it was changing my life. I was still able to watch him coach at UCF and then in high school and with the semi-pro Orlando law enforcement/first responders’ team. It was still an awesome experience, but a very different one. As he started his professional career coaching college football, it was an incredible experience watching him coach.
Evan and Coach Carter sharing emotion after his final high school game.
Evan and Coach Carter. A great mentor
Evan tackling as a freshman. His first tackle ever was NBA star Dejounte Murray.
Family picture on the field after his freshman season
Evan played in the band at halftime 3 of his 4 years of varsity football. This was a classic – we need more cowbell! Matthew is in the back as they played in the band together.
Evan in uniform at UCF
Evan in the locker room before the game
Evan with his conference championship ring. A forever treasure.
Evan snapping in practice. He was a great long snapper.
Evan with the UCF conference championship trophy. What a memoryEvan as the head coach of the Orlando Guardians of the National Public Safety Football League. They played teams like FDNY and the Chicago Fire Department.
Watching Matthew, my younger son, graduate high school was another seminal moment. I would now only have kids in college. Attending his graduation, Magna Cum Laude, from Seminole State, was an incredible experience. When he graduates UCF in another year, I will no longer have any kids in college. It’s another major life transition and when he moves out of the house as well, I know I will want 5 more minutes of kids living in my house. It’s another reminder of how precious time is and how important it is not to waste the time we have.
Matthew graduation night – he graduated Magna Cum Laude, truly impressive.
I was invited to the White House Hanukkah party in 2022. Matthew came with me and we had a great time. Another special moment we will both remember forever.
At eighty-six, my grandpa said, “There’s angels in the room.” All the family gathered ‘round, knew the time was comin’ soon. With so much left to say I prayed, “Lord, I ain’t finished. Just give us five more minutes.”
My dad died on September 6, 2022. I had gotten him moved to Advent Health about three weeks prior and my mom moved in with us while he was in the hospital. I visited him every day while he was in the hospital and got to spend quality time with my mom every morning and evening. Those three weeks are precious to me, both for the time I spent with my dad and the time I spent with my mom. When I think of them, I tear up, because they were some of the most meaningful days of my life. I look back at some of the pictures from those three weeks and smile with a mixture of happiness and sadness. My dad eating real food I had delivered when he got out of ICU into a private room – I can still hear him talking about how good it was because the hospital food was so bad. The picture of him and my mom walking hand in hand in the hospital hallway. They were married for 56 years and together for 65+. The last picture I took of my dad, lying in his bed, with a sweet smile on his face. I remember kissing him goodnight, telling him I loved him and would see him in the morning. My mom got the call from the hospital around 1:30 am that morning that he had died. We went to the hospital together and sat with him, just the three of us, while we waited until it was not too early to call my brother and my sister as well as my Aunt Sheila, his sister. Writing about it brings tears to my eyes once again.
When I look at this picture, I can hear my dad’s voice talking about how good the food was and how much he enjoyed it. I’m forever grateful for the opportunity I had the last 3 weeks of his life.
My mom and dad walking the hospital hallway. So many special moments during those 3 weeks that I will treasure forever.
The last picture I took of my dad. He looked so sweet and peaceful. I gave him a kiss, told him I loved him and that I’d see him the next morning. He died a few hours later. Every time I look at this picture it brings tears to my eyes. How I wish I could have 5 more minutes.
As we sat in the room with him after he had died, I remember wishing I just had one more chance to talk with him, to tell him again how much I loved him, to be able to ask his advice and hear his wisdom and knowing that would never be possible. I wanted those five more minutes. I have no regrets with my dad, I just wanted more. I wanted those five more minutes. And today, there are plenty of times when I want to pick up the phone and call him, talk for five minutes, and pick his brain and get his advice. Once again, it’s an example of the precious nature of time.
I choose to invest my time with my family. With my sons, my wife, my mom, siblings and siblings-in-law. I want to do my part to ensure that when the time comes, my children have no regrets. They don’t wish they had just done something more with me. They don’t regret missing out spending time together.
Celebrating my mom’s birthday with the family. I don’t miss these opportunities.
The family celebrating Alison’s 50th birthday
Dancing with my mom at a family Bar Mitzvah.
I think of the lost time with my family members who died too young. My Uncle Joe. My cousins Eric and Todd. I think of the time missed with my friends who have died in the past few years and how they won’t be around any longer. I always think of my dad, who died in September 2022, and who I miss daily. We have no guarantees in life, and we get to choose our priorities. I’ve reached a place in my life where my priorities have shifted. It’s far more rewarding to do what I can to minimize the impact of wanting those five more minutes at the end.
Yeah, sometimes this ol’ life will leave you wishin’. That you had five more minutes. Five more minutes.
Priorities are the key. We live in a culture that values money, status, and titles. We often sacrifice things like time with family and friends in our effort to make money, obtain a better title, or because our identity is tied to our job. In the end, like the song says, those priorities “will leave you wishin’ that you had five more minutes.” Our society puts pressure on us to meet their priorities. Over the past 18 months, since my dad got sick and then died, I have been reviewing my priorities. Asking myself what is really important. What do I really value? It’s been a complete reset in many areas.
October 7th only highlighted this even more. I have seen the 47-minute Hamas video and it’s horrifying. I have four friends who had family members taken hostage. Of the 6 hostages, 4 have been released. There are still 2 held by Hamas, now for 126 days. I have friends who lost family members at the music festival. Friends who lost family serving in the IDF. Friends who are serving or have children currently serving in the IDF, worried every day about their safety. I wear my dogtags every day. My Magen David (star of David) every day. I put a new piece of masking tape on my shirt, over my heart, every day, updating the number of days the hostages have been kept.
Besides being a great song, Five More Minutes teaches an important lesson. It reminds us that in the end, all we really want is more time. No matter how much money we may have, no matter how much power and influence we may have, no matter what our titles are or what we have accomplished in our careers, the one thing we all want is just five more minutes. At the end of the day, we have the choice to set our priorities. I choose to do what I can to want, but not need, those five more minutes.
We often talk about the treasures in our live. The things we want and desire. That incredible car. The beautiful house. That amazing vacation. Expensive clothes. Season tickets to the theater, our favorite sports teams, or tickets to see our favorite band play in concert. For a long time, that was what I was focused on. The house and the neighborhood, the car, the vacation spot, the newest technology. Things that could be purchased that showed the world how well I was doing.
Over the past number of years, that has changed dramatically for me. I don’t really care about the house or the car (although I do like both my house and my car, I don’t need a newer or bigger or better one.) And while I enjoy our season tickets to the theater, it’s going with my family that makes it so enjoyable, not just going alone. Often I will pass up buying tickets to a game, concert, or show if my family doesn’t want to go with me because being together with them is what matters, not the show or the sporting event.
Recently, my focus has been much more on my friends and how valuable they are. Life brings us many challenges and opportunities, and the past few months have had lots of both for me. It’s an exciting time in my life yet also a major change that has helped me see who are the friends that really care and who are the acquaintances that somehow disappear in challenging times. I’m grateful for the clarity and even more so for the friends who have shown up.
This past week was a true view into the power of friendship.
My longtime friend Jeremy was getting married this weekend. He told me about his fiancé Astrid when they met, when they began dating seriously, and when he decided to marry her. When he told me it would be a destination wedding in Puerta Vallarta and the date, I marked it on my calendar and told him I’d attend. There was never any thought that I wouldn’t be there to celebrate with him and his new wife as they began this new journey.
Jeremy and me at the airport in Puerto Vallarta
Last month, he asked if I would be will to be a part of the ceremony. I was incredibly honored and immediately said yes. I expected to be asked to do a reading, be an usher, or have some small role with the ceremony. Two weeks ago, he and Astrid called me and asked if I wanted to know what they wanted me to do at the wedding. I had to ask him to repeat himself because I was stunned by the request. They wanted me to officiate their wedding! There would be two of us, me speaking in English and the other person speaking in Spanish. I was truly blown away by their ask and immediately accepted.
With Marlen, my co-officiant after the wedding. She is my new friend from Mexico who lives in Alaska.
We arrived in Puerto Vallarta around the same time this Thursday and met up at the airport before boarding a shuttle to the villa that everything was being held at. This amazing, huge villa, is where we ate, slept, hung out, swam, and where the wedding was held. A truly spectacular place. A number of longtime friends came for the wedding, and we had a great time spending time together and catching up. In addition, I got to meet Astrid’s friends and family and now have a whole new group of friends in Mexico. Then came the wedding on Saturday afternoon.
The villa looking up from the water
The pool
The water crashing against the rocks. A dream to sleep to and relaxing throughout the day.
The wade pool. Fun to hang out in and when the big waves come, truly amazing
The wave was huge and came crashing in – I was already videoing and managed to hold onto a rock with one hand while videoing with the other and not dropping or losing my phone!
I’ve told you it was an incredible resort, and the view was spectacular. The pictures don’t do it justice. On Saturday late afternoon it was spectacular. The ceremony was entirely created by Jeremy and Astrid. It involved the 4 elements (earth, fire, water, and air). It included 10 crystals. Each one of these was presented by a friend or family member with their own special words. Then came the vows. Jeremy and Astrid had written their own and chose to do it one at a time, going back and forth with each other. They were real, honest, and powerful. Finally, we got to the ring ceremony that included a red string, binding them together. As we finished the ceremony, I was filled with love, gratitude, and an overwhelming sense of joy that these two found each other. The ceremony was completely organic and meaningful.
Longtime friends Jim, Ananda,Anna Marie, and me just before the wedding.
Hanging with Jeremy before the wedding. Loving the linen suits!
The bride and groom dancing to the mariachi band
As the mariachi band began to play, with the sun beginning to set, as the hors d’oeuvres were served, I stood to the side and found myself reflecting on the power of community, friends, family, love, and meaning. Their love was clear but so was the love of everybody that was there to celebrate together. It was a group of people who were all connected through Jeremy and Astrid and yet had built relationships with each other in few days we were together. We were friends and quickly became family. The ceremony was incredibly meaningful, yet we found meaning in being together, playing cards, laughing, eating our meals together, sitting by the pool, in the hot tub, listening to music, and learning more about each other.
The bride and groom dancing to the mariachi band as the sun sets
Beto, Ananda, me, Astrid, Jeremy, Peyton (Jeremy’s oldest son), Jim and Joe. Some old friends and some new ones.
My new friends who are also Astrid’s family members.
Astrid and Jeremy celebrating
In today’s world, where the divisiveness is so profound, where hate often seems to be more prevalent than love, this time together with friends reminded me of the beauty that is possible. It was inspiring. It filled my heart. It gave me hope.
The beautiful sunset after the wedding
Dinner was amazing Mexican tacos. Not like in the US or our Mexican restaurants. A plate filled with corn tortillas, fresh everything. I don’t know what they put on mine; I just asked for a little of everything. We ate and listened to a jazz band while we celebrated Astrid and Jeremy. Then came the DJs.
The first two hours of music were mariachi and jazz. They were wonderful. When the first DJ took over however, we had two hours of dancing ahead of us. We filled the dance floor, smiling and laughing. The joy was palpable. As we began to tire a little, we took a quick break because the next few hours the dance floor was turned into a rave. It’s been a long time since I was at a rave. And when I say a long time, I mean a very, very, very long time. Yet the music was pounding, the lights were flashing, and once again the dance floor was filled with energy. I told Jeremy that I didn’t think I could make it until 2 am when the rave was set to end – after all I am usually asleep by 10 or 11 pm at home and since this was central time, that would be me staying up until 3 am. His response was classic. “It’s my wedding. You have to make it until at least 1!” So, I promised and continued dancing, taking a few more frequent breaks to rest until at 1 am I gave both him and Astrid big hugs, and went to bed.
The next morning at breakfast, we started talking about how we needed to do this every year to celebrate their anniversary. How we liked being together so much and the venue was so incredible, we needed to plan for next year and get it scheduled. It was a great reminder that there is no need to wait to spend time with those you care about. Spending time with friends and family is priceless. So many other things can easily be replaced but time is not one of them. Neither are the people you care about. We are now planning for January 2025 to be all back together in Puerto Vallarta at this resort for maybe a few more days than this time. Unless of course, one of the couples we met gets engaged and plans their wedding before then in which case we’ll all be together at their wedding and then Puerto Vallarta!
Astrid’s family put on a show for everybody. It was a beauty pagent they made up on the spot. Miss Brazil won but you can pick your own winner from the picture. It was fun to watch.
During the 5 days we spent together, we had a lot of time to talk. A few of my friends wanted to ask me questions about the Israel-Hamas war, Israel itself, and about Hamas. One afternoon, we sat in the hot tub as they asked questions and I answered. It was one of the more refreshing conversations I had, not because it was filled with joy and not because it was talking about happy things. It was refreshing because they really wanted to know. They had real questions and followed up with more questions. We were talking about history, not hasbara (advocacy). One of them had been to Israel once before on a Baha’i pilgrimage so while she had experienced part of Israel, there was much she didn’t know. In a later conversation, I was talking with another friend when I blanked on a name and filled the gap while I thought by saying ‘you know’. She quickly corrected me and said, ‘No, I don’t know. That’s why I am asking.’ It was a throwback to a time when it was important to learn, to understand, to inquire, to ask, and to communicate. Not to yell. Not to demand that everybody agree with one point of view. It reminded me of what is possible and why conversations, outreach, friendships, communication, dialogue, and respect are so critical.
As we prepared to leave the villa today, every one of us was sad. Not just because we were leaving such a beautiful place but because we were leaving each other. Emails and phone numbers were exchanged with new friends. Plans were made with longtime friends. We took three shuttles to downtown Puerta Vallarta where one of us was staying to extend their trip. One group left for the airport, having earlier flights to Guadalajara. The rest of us stored our bags in his Airbnb and headed to a local restaurant. The food was great, the company even better, as this little restaurant pushed together a bunch of 4 tops so we could all sit together. As we headed to the airport in multiple Ubers, we hugged, said our Thank Yous and were all filled with gratitude.
Our incredible view from the main balcony of the villa
Our last sunset was spectacular
A panoramic view from the villa. It’s not the only reason we’ll be back.
While I’m lucky to have friends like this and am even luckier that we do the same thing with family to be together, it shouldn’t make me unique. For some people, the family connection isn’t an option. Community and friendship always are. It takes effort. It takes commitment. It requires going out of your way often, just because a friend is in need for something. And it’s 100% worth every bit of it. I can’t wait to see my old and new friends again. I can’t wait to spend time with my family this upcoming weekend to celebrate my mother-in-law’s 80th birthday. I can’t wait to see my siblings and mom at my cousin’s daughter’s bat mitzvah in March. The joy that fills my heart when I get to do this is unexplainable. I hope you take the opportunity to experience it.
The bride and groom dancing is what I want to leave you with
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