My youngest son graduated college on Friday. It was a momentous occasion in his life and in ours. My mom came in to celebrate and attend the graduation. I treasure these moments more and more as time goes on. We sat in the auditorium, watching where he was sitting (he helped us find him, texting us his location and turning around to us and waving), and waited for him to have his name announced and walk across the stage. As a parent, it was an incredible moment for many reasons.
My mom and Matthew at graduation – I treasure these moments more and more.
I noticed a few things surrounding his graduation that got me thinking. They may seem totally unrelated, but for me, they all tie together.
On the drive to campus for graduation, I noticed a few things. First, how many people drove as if they were the only car on the road. Turning right from the left turn lane. Going straight and trying to outrace cars from the left turn lane. Where was the common courtesy? Where was basic rule following? I laughed as one car that did this ended up far behind me – they almost caused an accident to end up behind the car they had to cut off.
The second thing was that when I tried to be kind, to let cars in ahead of me, how they wouldn’t accept the kindness. They wouldn’t go in front of me. It got me thinking, “When did kindness become so rare that people don’t recognize it?”
At the graduation, it was the same conflict. They asked not to scream and yell when your loved one’s name was announced as it meant the next name couldn’t be heard. Yet people screamed, drowning out the name of the next person graduating. Rudeness and lack of caring was all over the place. As I went to video my son about to walk across the stage, the people in front of me had to stand up, blocking my view. No awareness of people around them. I stood up, moved slightly, and was able to video and watch him walk. Had they done that a minute later, I would have missed it.
Yet the number of people willing to take pictures of my family when asked, the number of families who I took pictures of when asked was remarkable. The wishes of congratulations to strangers because they were celebrating the graduation of a loved one was remarkable.
What a dichotomy. It got me thinking that perhaps America isn’t really as lost as it appears. Perhaps there is hope. Perhaps we can regain our country from the extremes and return to a world of kindness, caring for others, and awareness of the world around us. Perhaps we don’t have to live in a world where it is ‘my way or the highway’ on every single issue.
I do know one thing for sure. It starts with each of us. We may not be able to change the entire country but we certainly can change our own behavior. We certainly can change the world of those around us. I hope we can all make a commitment to do our best to be kind. To be aware of those around us. To celebrate with those who are celebrating and to embrace joy rather than hate. It is how we will save our country and our world.
A little more than 10 years ago, I began writing about the rise in Jew hatred. It was controversial at that time to use the words Jew Hatred. I used them anyway because that’s what I was seeing. Swastikas being drawn on buildings in Seattle. This article in the Seattle Times on June 26, 2016, got pushback that it wasn’t happening and that this was all being overblown and exaggerated. We see now that unfortunately, I was right. This article, almost 9 years old today, is hard for me to re-read because of what has happened in those 9 years. Because of what was being called out then that was ignored by so many. Because of October 7, 2023 and what has happened since then. The signs have been there and far too many of our ‘leaders’ have chosen to ignore them.
Take for instance, this harrowing exchange between David Horowitz and a student at the University of California San Diego in 2010. This was FIFTEEN (15) years ago. The only difference between then and now is that Horowitz would be booed offstage now, this vile, hateful woman would be cheered, and the University would defend HER hatred instead of protecting Jewish students on campus.
The Jew hatred on campus was clear in 2010 but we ignored it
We saw things like this years ago but failed to take it seriously and failed to act. As a result, our Jewish students on campus today are faced with incredible antisemitism. I spoke with one of the leaders of Mothers Against Antisemitism from the Dallas chapter this week and the stories she shared about the University of North Texas were horrifying. Students afraid to be publicly Jewish in any way. Jewish/Israel speakers being spirited to campus at night, under the cover of darkness, to an unadvertised speech because had it been advertised, students would have been too afraid to show up. The work we have been doing has simply failed and we must admit it. We built building on campuses while the Jew haters built departments, programs, and hired Jew hating professors and administrators. We put Jewish names on libraries and centers for performing arts while the Jew haters invested in teaching that Jews are evil, are powerful and responsible for all the bad in the world, that Israel is a genocidal country that doesn’t want peace and are colonialists that want to take over the entire middle east and the world.
My friend Adam Bellos wrote a powerful piece last week. Most of you likely did not see it or read it. I encourge, no I implore you to read it. To think about what he writes. To take action to change the current reality. He writes:
This is the tragedy: we trained kids to explain checkpoints without explaining Herzl. We taught them to debate apartheid without introducing them to Ahad Ha’am, Rabbi Kook, or the Book of Joshua. We armed them with casualty charts, not courage. With U.N. resolutions, not roots. With talking points, not Torah. Hasbara failed because it tried to outsource pride. Because it assumed the average young Jew could fight for Israel while remaining estranged from Hebrew, from Zion, from the soul of their people. Because it traded the moral complexity of the conflict for the false clarity of press releases.
His summary is a beautiful and powerful statement that I believe in, have advocated for, and continue to push to create.
And so, this moment demands something entirely different: a revolution of Jewish education. A renaissance of context. A return to knowing who we are, not just what we’re defending. We don’t need more content creators to explain why Israel is right. We need Jewish children who know why they are Jewish. We don’t need another “crisis comms” playbook. We need people who speak Hebrew, dream in Zion, and learn how to walk into a room not begging for understanding but embodying truth.
We need to make sure we are providing quality and meaningful education to our children and, in all honesty, to our adults. As my friend Ari Shabbat often says, “The Torah is playbook for life”. If we don’t know this, don’t know how to use it, don’t bother every learning that it can be interesting, fun, and meaningful to learn Jewishly, how can we survive? If Israel becomes just another country rather than our spiritual homeland, Judaism will never be more than meaningless rituals that we do because our parents did them. There will be no meaning in hanging a mezuzah, putting on tefillin, or identifying as Jewish. We will merely be Jewish because we have been told we are Jewish. To me, that is unacceptable. I hope that you find it unacceptable as well.
I was deeply saddened to hear the news that Rabbi Sholom Lipskar (z’l), the longtime leader of The Shul of Bal Harbour and founder of the Aleph Institute, died this week. I had the privilege of meeting Rabbi Lipskar a number of times and the community he build at The Shul of Bal Harbour is extraordinary. I found him to be a man who didn’t accept the impossible. His vision impacted not just the South Florida Jewish community but the entire South Florida community and the world. I found him to be a kind man, always willing to listen, always seeing the good in people, and working to make the world a better place. If you want to read a little about him, you can do so here. The world is certainly a bit dimmer without him in it, however his teachings and life’s work remain to inspire us all.
At the end of the day, we are left with one simple question. What are we going to do? Are we going to be like Rabbi Lipskar (z’l)? Are we going to take action as Adam implores us? Are we going to take the time to learn what being Jewish is really about? Are we going to make the effort to be kind to others? The world we live in today is one that is short on kindness, on wisdom, on compassion, and on knowledge. Are you going to believe whatever somebody decides to tell you or are you going to actually learn something? Are you going to only listen to one narrative or are you going to engage with others and learn both with and from them?
The choice is yours. Just remember that choices have consequences. We are where we are today because of the choices we made years ago. When we look back in a decade or two, I hope that we are happy with the choices we make now and that we have the type of world so many of us desire and want to work to build.
We recently finished with both Christmas and Hanukkah. Both have something in common that we often don’t think about. Light. Christmas lights and lights on the Christmas Tree. The light of the menorah/hanukkiah. Two holidays connected by light.
As we reflect on the year that just passed and think of the year ahead, one think I hope we all consider is light. Helping the world to have more light. Being the light in the world. Bringing the light of joy and happiness, the light of kindness.
It doesn’t take much be the light. I do it regularly with little things like holding the door for the person behind me. It’s a simple thing to do and almost always gets a ‘Thank You’ in response along with a smile. There are so many things we can do, like holding the door, to be the light. Here are a few thoughts and examples.
Help people in the grocery store. Often times people can’t reach what they are trying to get. Offer to help them get it. You may see them looking for an item. Ask what they are looking for and help them find it. Let the person with 3 or 4 items go in front of you in the checkout line. It adds a few seconds to your checkout time and will make their day. It’s likely they will tell everybody about that person with the full cart who let them go in front of them.
When you are talking to people, whether they are service people helping you or people you know, when you finish the conversation, add the words, “have a nice rest of your day.” These six words will put a smile on their face. They aren’t necessary but they do make a difference. It is a small gesture that will often get a smile in return and them wish you a nice rest of the day too. If it’s at night, you can say, “have a great evening” or something like that. It’s being thoughtful in a world that doesn’t have enough of that.
When you are driving and somebody needs to get over, let them get over! Odds are, it’s only going to add a few seconds to your drive and you just made their life a little less stressful. They may give you the ‘wave’ to say thank you and they may not. But I’m sure they will say something to the person in the car with them about it. It adds a little brightness to their day.
Randomly text a friend to say hi and you were thinking about them. It’s easy to do this with a few friends every day. It doesn’t take much time and even if you get into a text conversation with them, it still doesn’t take much time. If you really want to make a difference, actually call them to say hi. Let them know you were thinking about them and just wanted to call to say hello. No other agenda, just to say hello. It makes their day and brings joy to them and to you.
If you see a parent struggling with a child, go over and engage them and offer to help. Sometime just waving at a young child or smiling and making silly faces gets them to stop what they are doing and brings relief to the parent. Often times they don’t really need any help, but just the offer makes them feel better. The same is true if you are traveling and see a parent with children and luggage. Offer to help with the luggage. You will have made their day a little easier whether they accept your help or not.
When I am on an airplane, I always look to see who is struggling with getting their bag into the overhead bin. When I see it, I offer to help. The same is true when we land. I’ll help unload the entire overhead bin on my side and the one opposite me. Sometimes I’ll reach to the one ahead or behind me to get somebody’s bag out for them. It is a small gesture that has big impact.
When people ask for help, be there for them. I have a number of friends who have been or currently are in the job market. I go out of my way to look for things that might be a good fit for them. I share the opportunities with them. Sometimes I know the recruiter for the position, the CEO, or the hiring manager. In those cases, I always offer to reach out to them directly. Most of these opportunities do not pan out. When they do, it’s a big celebration and both my friend and I feel great. When I know the recruiter, CEO, or hiring manager, all three of us feel great. The people looking for the jobs know they are not alone. They have somebody in their corner, somebody who has their back. It is far too easy to be alone in the world today. A little kindness, a little friendship, a little reaching out and going out of your way to help others makes a tremendous difference.
Speaking of helping others,one of the easy ways to be the light is to thank people. If you see somebody in the military or law enforcement or a first responder, thank them for their service. I recently had some medical procedures and I made sure the thank my nurses repeatedly. I know there is a form to fill out when they do a great job so they get recognized and I made sure to ask for that form and filled it out for my nurses. Today when I picked up my rental car, I was hoping to get upgraded to a much bigger car because I need to take 6 people with me. Having a car that size would save hundreds of dollars in Uber fees to and from the Orange Bowl. The man at the counter didn’t have to upgrade me. But he did. And when we realized the car he upgraded me to only fit 5, he remembered somebody cancelled on a much bigger SUV that seats 7 and he upgraded me to that. I made sure to thank him. To let him know how much he helped me. People appreciate when you recognize them. People appreciate when you thank them. It brings a little light ot their day. It helps us continue to make the world a better place.
When people you know are going through a challenging time, reach out to let them know you care. A friend of mine recently went through some job challenges. He was very down and I understood what he was going through. I made sure to reach out, to check in, to let him know he wasn’t alone. I checked in on him a few weeks later, to make sure he was ‘hanging in there’. When I checked in last week he shared exciting news and the challenges were gone. I didn’t need anything for that. I didn’t do it to be recognized or thanked. I did it because I want to be a good friend, a good human being, and I appreciated it when people reached to me during my challenges over the past 3 years. I want to ‘pay it forward’ as people say by being there for others.
We live in a world filled with darkness. We don’t have to live in that darkness. We can choose to be the light. We can choose to make sure the darkness doesn’t overwhelm us and the people around us. It doesn’t take much. I listed a bunch of little things that can change somebody’s day. Things that change somebody’s attitude. That small thing that you do is like the small pebble in the lake – the rings keep going and going and going. The impact expands well beyond where the pebble enters the lake or where your interaction happened.
On the 8th night of Hanukkah, my Facebook feed was filled with pictures on menorahs fully lit, shining brightly, exhibiting Jewish pride. Enjoy the pictures. I hope the light inspires you as it did me. I hope it reminds you that you can be the light that changes the world. That brightens the lives of those around you, whether you know them or not. This is how we make the world the place we want to live. Be the light.
This has been a challenging week for many people. For some it’s the results of the election. For others it is the pogrom in Amsterdam and watching Jew hatred go to another level. Today is the 400th day of the hostages being in captivity. Two Jewish students were assaulted at Chicago’s DePaul University for the crime of being Jewish. In the past months, Jewish students have been attacked at The University of Michigan and The University of Pittsburgh for being Jewish. Rockets continue to be fired every single day by Hezbollah from Lebanon into Israel.
We live in arguably the most divided time in the United States since the Civil War. The world may not be this divided since World War II. It is easy to feel sad and depressed. It is easy to lose hope and think the world is ending. Concern over the next few weeks, months, and years is a common refrain heard regularly.
And yet there are examples of hope all around us. There are examples that show when we decide to be the answer, the solution; when we decide that we are no longer going to wait for others to solve the problem and challengs of the world, that we create change.
We are a college football family. For years, our Shabbat has involved being together as a family, either watching college football on TV or in person. When our older son was playing High School football, Shabbat dinner was at the football field. When he was coaching High School football, we spent Friday nights watching him coach and as he coaches college football, we are watching on TV or in person once again. This morning, as I was watching ESPN Gameday, a beautiful and inspiring story was shown.
Malachi Moore, a star player for Alabama, befriend a young girl, Henrietta Murray, who had a terminal illness. Their relationship and his relationship with her family, is a beautiful thing to see. Once again, it shows the power one person has to change the world. Malachi changed not only Henrietta’s life but the lives of her parents and his own life. Listening to him talk about what his friendship with Henrietta not only meant to him but how it changed his outlook on life is powerful. We all have th ability to be like Malachi. We all have the power to change lives with our actions. Watch, listen, and feel the love.
Watch Malachi and Henrietta’s story
Then there is the story of Melhem Asad. A Druze fan of Maccabi Tel Aviv football/soccer, Melhaem was at the game in Amsterdam. As he watched the attacks begin against Israelis by criminal antisemites with law enforcement not helping, he thought quickly on his feet. As an Arab speaker, he ran to groups of Israeli fans, speaking loudly in Arabic to them, creating the impression that everyone in his group was Arab rather than Jewish. By doing this, he successfully misled the attackers, who left these groups alone as they searched for Jews to attack. He didn’t just do this once or two. He spent several hours using this strategy to shield Jewish Maccabi fans who were under attack in restaurants and bars, unable to safely reach their hotels. When people call Israel an apartheid state, when people say that Jews, Arabs, and Druze can never get along and never exist together, this is more proof that these are lies.
Thank you Melhem for showing that humanity isn’t about being Jewish, Druze, or Arab. It’s about being a good person, caring about your fellow human beings, and combatting hate. You are an example to everybody of what the future can look like when we choose to take action ourselves. When we don’t wait for somebody else to do something. When we don’t tolerate the status quo and do what we can to make the world a better place.
Melhem Asad, who’s quick thinking and speaking Arabic saved many from being beaten.
Kirk Herbstreit is the cornerstone of ESPN Gameday. He is well known, popular, and one of the people fans want to hear from. Recently, the focus has been on the relationship with him and his dog Ben. Ben became a travel companion for Herbstreit, with him on the road, on the field, and on the set. In many ways, he became America’s dog. Recently he got very ill and in the past week he died. His loss was felt not just by Kirk but by fans and dog lovers all over the world. ESPN chose to show a tribute to Ben today. It was beautiful and powerful. It shows the power of love. I have always felt that dogs are pure love in a living being. We lost our beautiful chocolate lab, Bella, earlier this year. I miss her every day, and ask Kirk publicly mourned the loss of Ben, I could relate and understand the loss.
Our sweet girl Bella, enjoying the back yard, the sun, the grass, and being with me.
We can have this type of unconditional love with a dog. Why can’t we have this type of love for our fellow human beings? Before the election and after the election, the vitriol expressed against those supporting a different candidate was horrific. You might be branded a racist, a bigot, a Jew hater, an antisemite, an islamaphobe, transphobic, anti-LGBTQ, anti-woman, anti-American, and many other terms. It’s ok to to support different candidates for many reasons. Understanding why people make the choices they make gives us a chance to build bridges, work together towards the type of society we want to live in. Most people don’t support every position that the candidate they supported stood for. Yet we simplify people and live in hatred and disgust rather than love and understanding.
Dogs aren’t like that. They love you no matter what. It is as if they understand that people are fallible and love is what helps us deal with our imperfections. Dogs really are perfect love. I miss having Bella climb in my lap to cuddle no matter what was going on. I miss her giving me kisses and laying down at my feet to be close to me. I miss taking her out to the backyard to walk and lay in the grass, appreciating the beauty of nature, the warmth of the sun, the smell of fresh air.
It’s pure love. Watch the tribute to Ben and let Ben inspire all of us to treat people better.
Speaking of Kirk Herbstreit, every week when I watch him on ESPN Gameday with Lee Corso, their interaction is one of the sweetest things in today’s world. It’s clear that they have a father-son relationship. As Corso has gotten older, Herbstreit openly provides him with more help and more support. It is a beautiful thing to watch.
Today, it was the opposite. As the tribute to Kirk’s dog, Ben, began, he was visibly crying and emotional. You could feel his pain and loss. And who was there to support him? Lee Corso of course. It was a public display of love and support. No worries about what it looked like or what anybody though. It was two close friends being together, even with millions of people watching.
We can use the example of the relationship between these two men as a teaching lesson for each of us. Every day we have an opportunity to be there for somebody else. Every day we have a chance to build these special relationships. I am lucky. Along with my brother and sister, I have two people that I consider brothers and two people I consider sisters. That’s how close we are. While biologically I have two siblings, in reality I have six. I choose to invest in relationships with people. The quality of friends is so much more important than the quantity. Many years ago, an older friend of mine (he was my age now back then) used to say, “I don’t need more friends at my age.” I heard him but didn’t really understand at that time. Now I do.
The example of Corso and Herbstreit shows us what we can do for other people if we want. It shows how we change the world, one person, one relationship at a time. It takes so little to improve the day and the life of another person. It also can take so little to suck the energy out of somebody’s day, making their life more challenging. The question is which type of person do you want to be. Do you want to be somebody who spends every day working to make the world a little bit better or do you want to live in negativity and make the world a little bit worse every day?
I choose to change the world every day with kindness.
The past few years have been crazy in America and the world. The past year, since the October 7th attacks by Hamas on Israel, have increased and/or exposed antisemitism in the world and in the United States in a scary way. I have been very vocal about my concerns about the lack of leadership by our elected officials at all levels of government as well as within the Jewish community. Those concerns remain and grow stronger every day.
This past weekend gave me hope from the PEOPLE of America. What happened? What did I experience? What did I do? How did this happen?
First of all, I want to acknowledge that it was Rosh Hashana and I celebrate the chagim different than most. Services don’t do it for me so I find other ways to connect with God. Sometimes it is at the beach. Sometimes it’s in nature. It’s usually something that has deep meaning to me and gives me a chance to assess my life, my choices, and how I want to do better in the upcoming year.
As strange as it sounds, this year, I returned to my Alma Mater, Penn State University, for the Penn State – UCLA game. How could a football weekend give me such hope during such a bleak time? It doesn’t sound reasonable let along possible. Yet it happened. On multiple levels through multiple situations. With multiple different people.
I flew out on Thursday to meet one of my best friends who is like my brother. We’ve been friends and it’s been like this for 36 years. I called him mom, mom. He calls my mom, mom. His Aunt Jean my was my Aunt Jean. My dad was like his dad and my parents treat him like a 3rd son. It’s that type of relationship. He picked me up at the airport, we grabbed lunch, caught up, and went to see his new house and to hang out with his wife, who I have known literally just as long as he has (almost to the minute!). That’s a different story for a different time.
After stopping for lunch we went to his new house, built on 125 acres. Living in the country provides a different experience. People are nicer. People take care of each other. There was a different feeling being there than in the city. A calmness. Safety. Natural community. People know who belongs and who doesn’t. They look after each other. Favors are commonplace, not to keep a count but to help others. With the hate of the last year, it was refreshing to be in a place where kindness and care was so essential to life.
On our drive to Penn State, there were four of us in the car. We spent the time talking, laughing, bonding, and connecting. I didn’t know the other two guys before we got in the car, yet by the time we got there, it felt like we had been friends for life. It was refreshing to be with people who wanted to connect, who wanted to get to know each other, and focus on similarities, not differences. On the way, we stopped at Sheetz for dinner (If you don’t know what Sheetz is, you are missing a Western Pennsylvania highlight). The common Pennsylvania battle is Sheetz vs. Wawa. As the only one with Philly roots, I chose to remain silent about the competition to enjoy the company (although I prefer Wawa). We shared the unloading of the car, shared setting things up, and enjoyed each other’s company. There was common responsibility. It wasn’t any one person’s job to do anything. It was all of our jobs to do everything. How refreshing! The focus was on the common good, not counting who did what or if somebody had done too much or not enough. We hung out, talked, watched some TV, enjoyed the company, and then went to bed, getting ready for a full next day.
Friday was golf day. The four of us spent the day on the course, enjoying a beautiful October day of sunshine and cool weather. Three of the four of us are not good golfers but we sure had a lot of fun. We played on teams for the front nine, competing against each other. By the end of the front nine, we dropped the competition and just enjoyed hitting the ball, laughing at each other, and excited about the good shots we hit. As we finished golfing, the rest of the crew coming up for the weekend arrived. We headed home, ready to shower, have guests for happy hour, and then have dinner.
The more people who showed up, the more we bonded. Everybody was different yet we focused on our similarities. Living in a world where half our country hates the other half, it was an incredible change to be with people who didn’t care about the differences, who didn’t want to focus on the problems but instead enjoy everything we had. One of the guys owns cigar shops and we listened to him, fascinated by the things he was telling us and learning from him. On a beautiful evening, we sat on the back porch, enjoying each other’s company.
I had been having a health issue for a couple of days and it wasn’t getting better. I am known to try to just power through things and not always make the smartest decisions about my health needs. Since most people, including myself, know this, I finally decided to ask my wife about what was going on. Since she’s a nurse, I probably should have asked her a few days before, but again, I’m not always the smartest when it comes to my own health. When I shared what was going on, she told me to go to the Emergency Department at the hospital right away to get seen and have it addressed. She made me promise to text her when I got there and keep her updated. She knows me too well and that without making me promise to go right way and text her when I got there, I might delay going (or find a reason not to go at all). When I shared what I needed with a couple of guys, they jumped up to volunteer to help. I had offers to take me, to wait with me, whatever I needed. I didn’t need anybody to sit with me so I took the ride, thanked everybody for their offers, and went to be seen.
As I sat waiting to be seen, sitting next to an Amish couple (yes, a real Amish couple), a number of the guys started texting me to check on me. These were people I didn’t even know two days before. The power of community and friendship was clear. I found myself remembering what it was like growing up in Central Pennsylvania, where everybody really did care about each other. Our parents always knew that somebody’s parents would be watching us, no matter who’s house we were at. Somebody’s parents would pick us up when we needed to. It was that common responsibility, just like when we arrived at the house at Penn State, that I grew up with. I found myself wondering how that had changed throughout the country and very grateful to have found it once again.
After being seen and having the pressing issue taken care of with a promise to see my doctor in Florida when I got home, I was picked up and went back to the house. The response I got was amazing. People asking how I was. People checking on me. One of the guys had a similar issue and got open and vulnerable sharing about it with me. Some of these people I hadn’t even known 24 hours and yet I mattered that much to them. It was so powerful and overwhelming. I have written and talked about how kindness costs nothing and how valuable it is, yet being on the receiving end was both surprising and overwhelming. It’s something I will never forget.
The next day was the Penn State – UCLA football game. The guys were shocked that I was going, having just been at the hospital the night before. I felt fine after they resolved my issue and I wasn’t going to miss out. Throughout the tailgate before the game, the game, and the tailgate after the game, different guys would come up to me and tell me how they shared what happened with their wife and their wife was asking about me. They couldn’t believe I was at the game, happy, and having fun.
At the Penn State – UCLA game, less than 18 hours after my hospital visit
So much of our life is determined by out attitude. Despite the health issue, despite a couple hours at the hospital, with every opportunity to look at the negatives, I only wanted to focus on the positives. I wanted to be at the tailgate with friends. I wanted to enjoy the game with friends. I wanted to focus on the good rather than the negative. We all have that choice every day. How often do we take it? How often do we get stuck in the negative, complaining, whining, missing out on the opportunities that are in front of us because we are focused on something we have no control over.
Back at Beaver Stadium. I forgot how much joy I have there
A few of the guys who are now my lifelong friends pulled me aside to talk. They got vulnerable and shared some things going on in their lives because I had taken the risk and shared what was happening with me right then and there. I wonder how many people there are that are looking for that opportunity to get vulnerable and never find it, never feel safe enough, to open up. As strange as it sounds, I found myself glad that I had the medical issue because it gave me the opportunity to be vulnerable and that then allowed others to do so as well. We live in a world where being right is so important that we forget to be human. We argue and fight over things we have no control over instead of focusing on the things that matter. People. Friends. Family.
Before we all left on Sunday, I made sure to tell them that we need to find a weekend next year that doesn’t conflict with a Penn State home game and do this for a UCF game so I can expose them to the Bounce House. There was real excitement and hopefully we can make it happen during the 2025 season. I spent roughly 3 days with these guys and they are now friends. People I want in my life moving forward. People who showed me kindness and care when I needed it. People that opened up to me and that I opened up to.
Imagine a world where instead of half the country hating the other half, we had people who cared about the other half. Not in a political manner. Not in a big picture, social justice, argue about policy manner, but as real human beings. There is something special in the Central/Western Pennsylvania area that I had forgotten, having moved from Pennsylvania to Florida in 1992. The hominess. The welcoming attitude. It’s a lesson I am glad to be have been reminded. It is a reminder that it is my responsibility to act and behave that way no matter how other people choose to act and behave. It is that reminder of the power of kindness. It is that reminder that we all want and need to connect, no matter how crusty our exterior may be, and we all have the opportunity to create that connection.
So to Master Gunny Jimmy, Steve, and Gary, my newest friends, thank you for being who you are. Thank you for reminding me of how to act and behave all the time, especially in this crazy world. Thank you for your friendship. To my friend Aric, thanks for being my brother and thanks for bringing us all together.
Now ask yourself, “How do I live my life?” Do you live in joy or in anger? Do you live in kindness or resentment? Are you willing to be vulnerable and allow others to be vunerable with you? What type of person do you want to be and what type of world do you want to live in? We all get to make those choices and we all can live in the world we desire based on our actions. We are not powerless and don’t have to accept what is being given to us. This weekend reminded me of that.
In the immortal chant based exactly on this lesson (click on it read the story), one that never gets old:
I boarded the flight to Israel today around 11 am. We took off at noon for the 11 ½ hour flight from Miami to Tel Aviv. This is my least favorite flight to take as it’s very difficult to sleep during the daytime after a good night’s sleep and when we land, it’s the start of a brand-new day. It’s great to land and have the full day in front of you, but when you are tired and it feels like midnight, it’s not always so easy.
On the flight, I chose to get the internet package. Knowing it was daytime and I’d be awake for most, if not all, of the flight, I thought it was a good investment. As I spent the flight checking emails and responding to texts, I realized that when we landed in Israel, not only were we going to start by volunteering to help by picking fruits and vegetables, but we were also going to spend the afternoon at the Kotel, the Western Wall, one of the holiest sites in Judaism. One of the traditions is to write prayers and put them into the wall so they are close to God. Since I had such a long flight, I went on social media and offered to put prayers into the Kotel for whoever wanted one. All they had to do was message me what they wanted the prayer to be.
I didn’t think much of it and expected a few people would respond. I was overwhelmed as the requests kept coming in. Without sharing any specific people or what they requested, I will say that a great deal of them were related to health issues. It is a reminder that there is a reason the saying is, “healthy, wealthy, and wise.” Health comes first. Without health, we have nothing. There were requests for a better world. Requests to help loved ones who are struggling. Nobody was asking for the ‘wealthy and wise’ part of the saying. All the requests were truly selfless. A few people thanked me for offering to do this for them. I often take going to Israel for granted. This is my 22nd trip and the 23rd is already on the books this year. Israel is truly a core part of my soul and my personal identity. Today, on the flight, these requests were a reminder of how lucky I am to go to Israel once, let alone 22 times.
These requests also got me thinking about the world we live in today and the world it appears most people want to live in. They are not the same place. The world we live in is filled with selfishness. It is filled with ‘haves’ and ‘have-nots’. It is filled with people who desperately want to obtain and keep power. It is a world filled with ego. When half of the United States hates the other half, we are not living in the world that most people want.
These requests made me think about the world we would like to live in. A world where we cared about other people. A world in which doing the greatest good really mattered, whether it helped the individual or not. A world filled with love, not hate. A world in which we were more concerned with giving than getting, with doing rather than taking. What would it look like to live in a world where kindness was the most valued commodity?
Imagine a world where we didn’t hate but rather worked to understand each other. Our differences were celebrated rather than used to create a reason to hate. As I watched this video, I couldn’t help smiling when he said, “Babka is my middle name” or when he called rugelach, “roo ga losch”. He is filled with curiosity. He wants to explore a different culture. I want to watch him try gefilte fish, kasha varnishkas, shakshuka, cholent, and so much more. How much fun would it be to watch people of different cultures explore the unique foods of another culture?
On this trip to Israel, we have 12 young adults. 6 males, 6 females. Twelve very different people, who come from different backgrounds, with one similarity. As I met most of them for the first time, I loved their differences. I can’t wait to spend two weeks exploring a post October 7th Israel, leadership, and Jewish thought with them. I can’t wait to hear their thoughts, their impressions, their opinions, and their ideas. As I write that, I can’t imagine our world leaders saying the same thing about each other. I can’t imagine our country’s leaders saying that about each other. It shows me that there is a path back from the cliff we are on, if we want to take it. It’s not easy. It’s not comfortable.
A perfect example of how close to the cliff we are is the text exchange between Deans at Columbia University that was released by the Department of Education. The texts are bigoted. They are hateful. They are unbecoming a leader and an educational institution. Three of the Deans are currently suspended pending an investigation while one, Joseph Sorett, has falled on his sword and not only won’t be suspended, he is guaranteed to keep his job. Normally, with evidence this damning, you could count on them getting fired. Yet in the world we live in, with what we have seen in the past 3 months on college campuses, there remains a good chance they will all return to their positions with merely a slap on the wrist and by making an insincere apology. As you read the text thread, your blood may boil the way mine did.
Instead of approaching this with empathy, care and concern for Jewish students at Columbia, these four Deans, Susan Chang-Kim, the Vice Dean and Chief Administrative Officer, Matthew Patashnick, the Associate Dean for Student and Family Support, Cristen Kromm, the Dean of Undergraduate Student Life, and Josef Sorett, the Dean of Columbia College, utilize stereotypes, antisemitism, hate, racism, and everything they are supposed to fight against to mock Jewish students, Jewish professional leadership, and antisemitism. Their titles show how powerful the positions they hold are.
The 3 Columbia Deans that have been suspended
We all have a choice. Do we want to be like the Deans of Columbia University or do we want to work to change the world, seek to understand rather than to be understood, strive for the best for humanity, be kind, and treat others with dignity and respect. It seems like a simple choice, however in the world we currently live, it isn’t.
I choose the latter. I choose to do things like meet with my Palestinian friend in East Jerusalem to have meaningful and respectful discussions. I choose to listen and learn both with and from the twelve young adults on this trip. I choose the harder path, one that leads to a better world but isn’t easy. When I go to the Kotel later today with all these notes from other people, detailing their prayers, their hopes, their dreams, I choose to be an instrument of good, placing each one carefully into the wall. With each one I place, I will ask God to grant them their prayer, their wish.
We are not stuck in the world we live in. We have the ability to change the world one step at a time, one day at a time, one action at a time. I hope you will join me.
As I continue to process my 10 days in Israel this month, I can only do so in bite size pieces. Here is my second bite at the experience and what it has meant to me and what I have learned.
On my trip in 2021, we had a number of Israeli men on our bus. I wrote about Alex, whose son died on October 7th, in my last blog post. Another person I met on that trip has become a close friend. I can’t use his name or pictures for security reasons.
There were a few things that he spoke about that really resonated with me then and as I unpack the time in Israel, reinforce common themes that have come out of the trip and that I want to apply in my life. One of the most significant was when he talked about holding his son’s bar mitzvah at Kibbutz Be’eri. After being decimated on October 7th by the Hamas terrorists, he wanted to bring light and life to Kibbutz Be’eri, so that is where he held his son’s bar mitzvah. It’s like saying that I want to get married on the still smoldering ruins of the Twin Towers in 2001. Let’s celebrate a significant event at the devastated site of the apartment building in Sunny Isles, Florida. Let’s celebrate our 50th wedding anniversary at any of the sites of school shootings a few months after children were murdered there. In many ways, it doesn’t make sense.
Yet through a Jewish lens, it makes total sense. We value human life more than anything. The Talmud teaches that Whoever Saves a Life Saves the World. The idea of bringing light and life to a place where light and life was destroyed is incredibly Jewish. It’s similar to what Noa was saying at Shura Army base when she spoke about making a better dinner for her family, being better for her children and husband. We can take the sad, the dark, the bitter, and find a way to make the light shine again. That’s what he and his family did at Kibbutz Be’eri. They door a place stained with death, kidnapping, torture and pain and brought light to it. They brought joy to it, if even for just a few hours or a day.
Noa, a true inspiration about how to live life. Our teachers show up when we are ready to learn.
The lesson I take from this is that we all have an opportunity to bring light and joy to the world every single day. It doesn’t matter what is happening in our own lives, in our country, or in the world. We have the ability to make a conscious decision to do things that bring light to the world. Sometimes it can be something as simple as holding the door for somebody. Helping somebody cross the street. Say a kind word to somebody that you see even if you don’t know them. It doesn’t take much to bring light to our lives and the world. It does take a conscious effort. After this trip, one of the things I am going to do is find ways to bring light to the world around me. Pay attention to the opportunities that present themselves every day and act. The small random acts of kindness brighten somebody’s day and improve the world. Thank you Yaron and Noa for inspiring and teaching me.
Our trip leader, Saul Blinken, was incredibly inspiring. We spent most of our time based out of Jerusalem and he said something that had an immediate impact on me. Saul said that every day we wake up in Jerusalem, it’s a miracle. Every day we breath the air in Jerusalem is a miracle. Every day we walk the streets of Jerusalem, it’s a miracle. And every night we go to sleep in Jerusalem, it’s a miracle. He asked us to imagine if somebody told the Jews who were being exiled by the Romans not to worry, that 2000 years later the Jews would be back in Jerusalem and there would be a Jewish state. They wouldn’t believe it. Yet it happened.
Saul passionately speaking to us. What an incredible teacher and friend.
From the time Saul said that I took it to heart. Every day when I woke up, it was an incredible feeling to know that I was waking up in Jerusalem. As I walked the streets, I had a deeper appreciation of what it meant to be able to do that. Going into the old city, visiting the Kotel, walking freely throughout the city – everything became a WOW moment. It reminded me of what my friend Roni Akele, the Director General of the Ethiopian National Project said about being a Jew in Ethiopia. He said that they always dreamed of returning to Jerusalem. Everything was about Jerusalem. The psalm we sing is “If I forget you, oh Jerusalem….”
I fell in love with Jerusalem on my first trip to Israel in 1989 and it has never changed. I am not an overly religious person, yet going to the Kotel is powerful. This trip I got to visit Temple Mount for the first time. Incredibly powerful. As we stood there and said the Shema, I felt a connection that is indescribable. Saul’s words hit home and deeply. I’ll never take Jerusalem for granted again. I’ll never take for granted all the time I have spent there, all the sites I have seen, all the friends I have who live there.
It’s an opportunity to think deeply about gratitude. This was my 21st trip to Israel and I hope to be back in Israel a few more times this year. I don’t think much about it yet now I am filled with gratitude that I have these opportunities. Each time I go to Israel, I get a deeper connection to Judaism and to understanding myself. As I have said, I’m not very religious but I am very Jewish. Israel brings that home to me.
I also think about how many things I have to be grateful for in my life. Jerusalem can easily be representative of so many important things. My family. My health. Doing work that is personally meaningful. The success of my children as people and in life. The life I have is truly beyond my wildest dreams. It is easy to lose track of that and focus on the things that aren’t going well or that I don’t like. Temple Mount was a good example. I wish we could go there whenever we want. I wish we could openly pray there and celebrate that holy space. I could focus on the things we don’t have. Or I can focus on the fact that we can go there. That I did find a private place to pray quietly. That I did feel the connection with God in this special place. Our choices determine everything. Do I want to focus on what I don’t have or what I have? Do I want to be bitter about the things I think I deserve or be grateful for the wonderful things I actually have? Just like I’ll never take Jerusalem for granted again, I won’t take the wonders and gifts of my life for granted either. Nothing is perfect but it sure can be great.
A picture I took overlooking the Western Wall plaza. The beauty never disappoints.
The last thing I want to unpack in this post relates to Israelis. Not since the second intifada have I been in Israel where I was thanked so much by Israelis for being there. During the second intifada they were happy to see Jews coming because most were not. It was the Christians who were coming to visit. This time they were grateful for Jewish solidarity. For knowing the Jews of the diaspora love Israel and support them as brothers and sisters. That we are willing to come in the middle of a war because of our love for Israel and the people of Israel. That the Jewish community truly is global. There was a unity we felt and that they needed. I never expected to get the thanks we did or for it to mean as much as it did to me.
During the second intifada, part of the thanks was due to the economic benefit the country needed by our visiting. While that is very true right now, that wasn’t what I was being thanked for. The Israelis need to see us in person. They need get our hugs and love. They need to know they aren’t alone. When the guys on our bus from an LA Jewish Day School gave the soldiers letters from kids at the school, they were deeply moved. October 7th, the hostages, and the ensuing war is taking an incredible toll on the entire country. Seeing their Jewish brothers and sisters from America and the rest of the world makes an incredible difference.
It’s a reminder to me that not only do I need to show up both through WhatsApp and in person for my Israeli brothers and sisters, I need to do the same for my friends and family. That random phone call, text, or email may often mean far more than I ever thought. Checking in on friends and family doesn’t take much effort and the payoff is always significant and meaningful. This trip reminded me that the 30 seconds it takes to send a text or email, or the 15 minutes I allocate for a phone call, may change a person’s entire day and outlook. It doesn’t matter if they reply or if they answer the phone. The effort is what is meaningful.
The other thing that was surprising to me was the Israelis response to my tattoos related to October 7th. I got them because of their meaning to me. My children could have been at Nova. I could have been there with them. It hit home and hard. The Mia Schem quote, “We will dance again” and the tattoo she got inspired me as well. It is a reminder that we never give up hope. We will overcome the challenges and not just survive but thrive. Whatever is taken from us, we will get back. They will never take our spirit or our soul. Here in America, I get very few comments on them. People are very used to tattoos and I have been surprised at the lack of comments or questions because of the uniqueness of them. In Israel it was just the opposite. Not only did they notice them, but people were stunned that October 7th meant that much to me. ‘Wow’ was the most common thing said to me, followed by questions and a conversation. At a t-shirt store where I got a few meaningful ones for myself, the owner was so taken by my tattoos that he asked if he could take pictures of them and use them on t-shirts he would sell. Of course I said yes. On my next trip, I’ll swing by and see if he has them on a t-shirt. How cool would that be??
Nova music festival – it could have my kids and me.The Mia Schem saying and tattoo
Standing up for what you believe in matters. The old saying, “If you don’t stand for something, you will fall for anything” really holds true. I’m not advocating that everybody should get a tattoo. I am advocating that whatever matters to you, whatever you stand for, make sure that you actually do it publicly. It matters. People notice what you say and do and what you don’t say and don’t do. If they are your values, make it public.
Trips to Israel, especially the Momentum Men’s Trips, always have me returning with my head spinning. There is always much to unpack. More is coming as I continue to process the time I spent there, the people I met, the things I saw, and how I felt. If you have never been, I urge you to go. If you have been, I urge you to return. It truly does change your life.
I have written extensively about how behind the times I am when it comes to music. I recently discovered the 2001 song by Alan Jackson, Where were you? (when the world stopped turnin’). He wrote it about September 11, 2001 not long afterwards and performed it only 10 days later at the Country Music Awards (CMAs). I find it very impactful, not just as it reminds me of what I felt and was going through after 9/11 but also what I felt like on October 7th and continue to feel today.
Jackson said that he had strong feelings and wanted to write something that expressed them without being political or partisan. He wanted it to clearly reflect his thoughts and feelings. This song accomplished that in an incredible manner. Since October 7th, I have been writing to try to do the same. When I heard this song and when I listened deeply to the lyrics, they not only speak about September 11th and the feelings afterwards but easily could reflect October 7th and afterwards. Many Israeli artists have written songs about October 7th and after but I haven’t heard or seen a single American songwriter or singer with the exception of Bono and U2 changing the words of the song Pride: In the Name of Love to reflect October 7th instead of April 4 and the Supernova music festival. You can see and hear the pain Bono is feeling. I remember being incredibly moved when I heard it for the first time and even today, as I listen to it, it brings tears to my eyes. I wish they would re-release it with altered lyrics.
Where were you when the world stopped turnin’ That September day? Were you in the yard with your wife and children Or workin’ on some stage in L.A.?
Most people know where they were on September 11, 2001 as it is part of our American psyche. I know where I was. Who I was talking to. What TV station I was watching. Where I was when the first tower fell. Where I was when the 2nd tower fell. Keeping in touch with my brother, who worked in NYC at that time, to check on his safety. Being grateful that my dad wasn’t flying that day – he had flown the day before. Running a Hillel meant I had students to attend to and their needs. The pain everybody felt was palpable. September 11th and days that followed were filled with hugs, tears, conversations, and questions.
October 7th was very similar for me. I remember exactly where I was, where I sat, what TV stations I watched, and who I was with. I remember sending WhatsApp messages to friends and family in Israel to check on them. The uncertainty of where the attacks were going to occur that day. Was it just going to be near the Gaza envelope? Were they going to be attacked from the north and Lebanon? What was the PA going to do and would we see terrorists coming in from the East as well?
There are moments in our lives that we never forget the details. My wedding. The birth of my children. Family simchas. The last day I spent with my father before he died. Three Mile Island (I lived nearby in Harrisburg at the time). The assassination attempt on Ronald Reagan. John Lennon and Yitzhak Rabin being assassinated. 9/11. October 7th. In one way or another, the world stopped turning on all of those days. Some due to joy, some due to sadness. How the world stopping turning impacted us and what we do with the changes that result is what’s key.
Did you stand there in shock at the sight of that black smoke Risin’ against that blue sky? Did you shout out in anger, in fear for your neighbor Or did you just sit down and cry?
On 9/11, when the first plane hit the first tower, I remember thinking it was an accident. We watched in horror but didn’t realize we were under attack. It wasn’t until the second plane hit the second tower that the shock really hit. Where was going to be next? My brother worked in NYC and his building was attached to Grand Central Station. Was that the next target? My dad was supposed to fly that week and his flight was changed. I tried to remember when it was changed. Was it changed so that he was flying that day? Was it the day before? Was it the day after? What about my friends who worked and lived in NY? Then the plane was crashed into Shanksville, PA and then into the Pentagon. Were there going to be more attacks? If so, where? How?
On October 7th, I sat there in shock. I couldn’t believe what I was watching and hearing. As I communicated with friends and family in Israel, it didn’t get any better. I shouted in anger, in fear for my friends and family. I sat in shock at what I watched and as names were released, prayed that I didn’t know any of them and was also sad that these people, these members of my Jewish family, were killed or taken hostage.
I couldn’t move from my chair in front of the television. I couldn’t change the channel. I didn’t want to talk to anybody as I had nothing to say. It was so unbelievable. When I did talk, it was usually filled with anger at what happened, not understanding where the IDF was. Not understanding how this was continuing as long as it was. Not understanding how it even happened. The more that was reported, the angrier I got at Hamas for doing it and for the Israeli government for missing the signs and for allowing it to happen. I got angry at the Gazan people who were welcomed into the kibbutzim for work and ate dinner with the families that they sold out to Hamas, ensuring their death or kidnapping.
We all have our own way of dealing with this type of trauma. Jackson’s point is that whatever we did, however we dealt with it, is what we needed. He isn’t saying one is better than the other. He isn’t saying if you didn’t do it his way, you were wrong. It’s a recognition that however we dealt with 9/11 or with October 7th, it’s what we needed to do in the moment. And that’s good enough.
Did you weep for the children, they lost their dear loved ones Pray for the ones who don’t know? Did you rejoice for the people who walked from the rubble And sob for the ones left below?
On 9/11 it was common to weep for everybody. Those who were killed. Those who we didn’t know what happened. The families of both. We prayed for the yet to be born children who lost their father on 9/11. And the children who lost one or both parents. We celebrated those who managed to escape and to live. And mourned those who didn’t. We found heroes in the passengers that crashed the plane in Shanksville, PA instead of letting the terrorists crash it into what they wanted, which would have killed more people.
October 7th seems to be viewed differently by many. I recently saw the documentary about the SuperNova music festival. These young people who were there to celebrate music were massacred by evil terrorists. I saw the Hamas video which showed them celebrating the murder of civilians – the elderly, women, children, and adults. Kfir Babis was taken hostage at less than a year old and his brother at 4 years old are forgotten by most of the world. The American hostages have been forgotten by Americans and by our leaders. In Israel, there is an uprising against the government for how they are handling the hostage crisis. Families have been displaced for more than 5 months, both from the Gaza envelope and from the north, where Hezbollah is sending rockets every day into Israel.
The trauma of Israelis is forgotten. The trauma of the diaspora Jews is ignored. The world weeps for the children of Gaza who are dying because of Hamas but ignores the children of Israel who died because of Hamas. The Red Cross still hasn’t visited the hostages, 177 days later. They haven’t received their medication in 177 days. As the father of a child with Type 1 diabetes, I know what would happen if he went 177 days without insulin. After 9/11, America stood together in support of those impacted and those who lost loved ones. We stood together against evil. When it comes to October 7th, that stand only lasted a few days before they became held responsible for their own victimization by evil. It disgusts me. When I listen to Alan Jackson sing these words, I find myself burning inside, wondering why it doesn’t apply to Jews. Why does everybody else matter but we don’t. How can people who supposedly stand for morals, ethics, justice, equality, and the like actually show how fraudulent they are and not be held accountable.
My heart breaks daily for the families of the current hostages. It aches every day for the hostages that were released and their families, for what they must go through. It hurts for the families of the victims and the survivors of the SuperNova music festival massacre. I have a deep hole in my heart and my soul for everybody impacted by October 7th – the Jews, Bedouins, Arab-Israelis, Druze, Bhai’I, and the innocent Palestinians and people of Gaza (because there is a difference between the terrorists and the people). I wish the world mourned with me and stood up against evil. This verse reminds me that no matter how much we want to think that we can just fit in with society, we are always Jews first and the world will always look at us differently. They will weep and cry out for anybody other than us. They will mourn and fight for the rights of everybody other than us. We are the only ones who will stand up for ourselves.
The great Israeli leader Golda Meir had a number of quotes that reflects this reality. They include:
Did you burst out with pride for the red, white, and blue And the heroes who died just doin’ what they do? Did you look up to heaven for some kind of answer And look at yourself and what really matters?
After 9/11, American pride was as high as I have seen since the 1980 US Olympic Hockey team beat the Soviets and then won the gold medal. We were united as Americans. Nobody was going to stop us. We were going to kill the terrorists, restore democracy, rule the world. Our first responders were all heroes. I remember the flag from the Twin Towers being flown at Yankee Stadium. We begin singing ‘God Bless America’ in the 7th inning of baseball games. We thanked our soldiers for their service.
The flag from ground zero flying at Yankee Stadium in 2001
We looked to God for answers. As a Hillel Director, it was an incredible time as students flocked to ask existential questions. Nobody was afraid to ask a question and seem uneducated because everybody was asking questions. People reassessed their lives, their values. Seeing these widows and orphans, pregnant women who lost their husbands, hearing the recording from the planes, inspired us all to be better people. “Let’sRoll”, said by Todd Beamer, before he and the other passengers on Flight 93 attacked the cockpit and the terrorists, crashing the plane into a field before it could be used as a weapon, was an inspiration to us all. We asked ourselves what we would do, what could we do, if we were in a similar situation.
October 7th was different for the world. As Jews, as Zionists, we asked where was the IDF. We were united in our grief, not in our dominance. We knew that Israel would respond, that war was here, and that Gaza would be devastated, but we took no pride in that. We took no joy. We wanted our hostages back. We wanted our country back. We wanted to dream of peace back. We sang Hatikvah, ‘Hope’, the Israeli national anthem with hope for the safe return of the hostages, safety for the IDF soldiers who were going to war, hope that peace would come quickly. The heroes we saw were ordinary people who raced into danger to help others.
Bedouins like Ismail Al-Karnawi, who left Rahat with three other family members to head towards Kibbutz Be’eri in order to rescue residents from the inferno. Sari Al-Karnawi, who served as a police officer at the Nova party and rescued partygoers from the attack. Muhammad Abu Najah, an employee of the cleaning company at Nova, who fought against the terrorists, called first responders, and warned others of the presence of terrorists. Omar Abu Sabeelah, who in Sderot heard a woman’s scream and saw Odaya Suissa with her two daughters, aged 6 and 3, and her husband Dolev who was shot dead by the terrorists. Despite being wounded, Sabeelah managed to reach the girls in the car and get them out to safety. He later died from his injuries. Yousef Alziyadneh, who saved the lives of approximately 30 Nova party revelers who were under fire. Anis Abu Dabbus, a senior paramedic crew at the Rahat Magen David Adom station, who acted with his crew in the Rahat and Ofakim area, treating the wounded and providing lifesaving treatment to many.
Heroes like retired general Noam Tibon, who got in his car with his wife and headed towards Kibbutz Nahal Oz, where his son, daughter-in-law, and two young granddaughters were hiding in their safe room as the Kibbutz was attacked and overtaken by Hamas terrorists. Tibon encountered a battle between IDF soldiers and Hamas and picked up a weapon and helped defeat the terrorists. He took 2 of the wounded soldiers to his wife who drove them to the hospital for treatment while he continued on foot until being picked up by another retired general who was answering the call and taken to the Kibbutz. 60 Minutes did a story on his heroism.
Countless other heroes like my friend Yaron Buskila, who left his house without a weapon to fight the terrorists and save lives. Yaron shared a little of what it was like and that little bit that he shared showed me not just his bravery, but the bravery of so many Israelis; Jewish, Bedouin, Arab, and Christian on October 7th.
On October 7th we all looked to heaven for an answer. An answer that will never come. Instead, we began to question ourselves about what really matters. What is important to us and how do we show that. How do we reprioritize our lives around the things that matter instead of the things we thought mattered before October 7th. It’s amazing to have lived in the post 9/11 world and the post October 7th world. Two terrorist attacks. Two tragedies. Two horrible things. Two very different outcomes and feelings.
I’m just a singer of simple songs I’m not a real political man I watch CNN, but I’m not sure I can tell you The diff’rence in Iraq and Iran
I find this to be one of the most profound lines in the song. So many of us don’t know what’s really going on. We didn’t know who the Taliban was before 9/11. We couldn’t tell you the difference between the Shiite country of Iran and the Sunni country of Iraq other than their rulers.
The same holds true after October 7th but it’s even worse. People don’t only know what Hamas and Hezbollah are, they don’t know that Gaza hasn’t been ‘occupied’ since 2005. They use phrases like “From the River to the Sea” and don’t know what river or what sea they are talking about. They use words like Apartheid and Genocide because they sound good and are powerful without understand the facts or definition of those words. They talk about the high number of civilians that have been killed, not understanding that war is terrible and civilians are killed, but that Israel is nearly 9 times better than the norm in minimizing civilan deaths. Instead of addressing the evil of Hamas, people are feeding into ancient Jewish tropes and feeding global antisemitism.
Israel-Hamas figures compared to the normal rates in war
I am concerned that this ignorance, this hate, will result in catastrophic events happening in the United States as we blame the victim and both encourage and allow the evil to grow.
But I know Jesus and I talk to God And I remember this from when I was young Faith, hope, and love are some good things He gave us And the greatest is love
One of my favorite things about Judaism is the way we look to God, to the Torah, for answers. There are always lessons to learn. Since October 7th I have spent much more time asking questions, learning Torah with Rabbis, and working to understand my role as a Jew in this world.
There is a line in Pirkei Avot, the lessons of our fathers, that always speaks to me. It comes from 2:16 and says that Rabbi Tarfon used to say, “It is not your duty to finish the work, but neither are you at liberty to neglect it.” After October 7th this hit home in a very different way. I am not a soldier and can’t fight with the IDF. I am not an Israeli citizen. I do not have the duty to finish the work of the war. However, I am also not able to just neglect the situation and not do my part. There are many ways to do my part and I have learned that there is much I can do. We all have roles to play and our responsibility is not to do everything but rather to play our part, to do what we can. Speak out. Get educated. Encourage others to learn and not just repeat things they hear.
We can also work to live with faith, hope, and love. This doesn’t mean excuse the behavior of the terrorists or those who repeat the lies because they don’t know better. We can have faith that Israel will defeat evil. We can have faith in God and the IDF. And we can focus on love. Love of the Jewish people. Love of our mishpacha (family). Love of Israel. Love of our family. Love of the teachings of the Torah (which if you know me doesn’t sound like something I would say.)
In these terrible times, in these times of desperation, we can still live with faith, hope, and love. We can choose to look to the future with positivity or negativity. We can do our part to make the world a beautiful, better place or we can allow it to die. The choice is ours.
Where were you when the world stopped turnin’ That September day? Teachin’ a class full of innocent children Or drivin’ down some cold interstate?
Did you feel guilty ’cause you’re a survivor? In a crowded room did you feel alone? Did you call up your mother and tell her you love her? Did you dust off that Bible at home?
This verse reminds us that the world did stop turning on both 9/11 and on October 7th. We don’t have to pretend that it didn’t. President Bush was reading to a class full of innocent children. We were all doing something when it happened, when we got the news.
President Bush reading to children as terrorists attacked on 9/11
We don’t have to live with survivors’ guilt. I wasn’t living in NY on 9/11 or in Israel on October 7th. Why would I have survivors’ guilt? Because I know people who were. I know people who lost loved ones. My life was altered only in the inconveniences I had to deal with after 9/11. October 7th meant that I didn’t get to go to Israel in November like I had planned. Yet the survivors’ guilt is real because I am part of a community. While I am an American, Israel is my homeland. I have a strong tie to Israel and my homeland, my love, was critically injured and damaged on October 7th. That is where my survivors’ guilt comes from. Because I haven’t been able to go to Israel since October 7th.
There are plenty of times when I do feel alone. People chanting antisemitic tropes. Dressing in Nazi uniforms and flying Nazi flags. When I see friends posting hateful comments that they don’t even necessarily understand are hateful and hurtful. I have learned who my friends really are and who aren’t. This can be painful but it’s also refreshing because I don’t have to include those people in my life any longer.
After 9/11 I made sure to talk to my parents, my siblings, and my loved ones. It was a reminder of how short life is. The same thing happened after October 7th. This type of brutality and horror reminds us how precious life is. How limited our time really is. What and who is really important to us. Last week I reached out to my friends who are Palestinian and live in that area. I wanted to see how they are doing. I wanted to let them know I was thinking of them. I wanted to let them know I consider them my friend no matter what is happening in the world. And that I want to see them when I get to Israel in the near future because they matter. I choose to live in faith, hope, and love, not in hate.
After 9/11 people began asking questions about God and opened a door that had been closed for them. October 7th was the same. The opportunity to study, to learn, to ask questions, and to explore Judaism, God, and spirituality was there and many of us took it. It opened me up to learning more, to being a better person, and to ask why I behave certain ways and is that reflective of the person I want to be. We have an opportunity to do better and to be better. I am taking that opportunity.
Did you open your eyes and hope it never happened Close your eyes and not go to sleep? Did you notice the sunset for the first time in ages And speak to some stranger on the street? Did you lay down at night and think of tomorrow Go out and buy you a gun?
After 9/11 I know a lot of people who did close their eyes and hope it never happened. People who struggled with sleep. I wasn’t one of them. But after October 7th, I was. I hoped it was a nightmare. I hoped I would wake up and it was only a nightmare. I struggled to sleep and when I did sleep, it wasn’t restful. October 7th was much more personal for me than 9/11. Unfortunately, I think most of the country has forgotten the horror of 9/11 and October 7th happened ‘over there’ and ‘to them’ and doesn’t affect their daily lives.
I have chosen to invest more in random acts of kindness. Today I was at the grocery store behind a couple with a child that has a disability. It meant that they were going very slow. I was stuck behind them. Instead of getting frustrated and trying to push by, I took a deep breath and watched them with their daughter. And found joy in it. Instead of being angry and resentful, I was grateful and filled with love. All because I took a deep breath and didn’t push past them. I say hello to strangers and talk with them as people, not strangers. I will hold a door open, let somebody get in front of me, and enjoy the beauty of the day.
The world is a scary place and has only gotten scarier since October 7th. Being so public as a Jewish leader, I felt targeted and at risk. Long before October 7th, I did get training on firearms and made sure that I have them to protect myself. They are things I hope to only use on the range when I practice. But I won’t be a victim. I won’t allow my family to be at risk from the hatred that exists in the world. And I know I am not alone in these thoughts, concerns, and actions.
Did you turn off that violent old movie you’re watchin’ And turn on I Love Lucy reruns? Did you go to a church and hold hands with some strangers Stand in line to give your own blood? Did you just stay home and cling tight to your family Thank God you had somebody to love?
This last verse asks what we are doing differently. While there are specific things listed, it’s really about who you are and what you are doing as a result of 9/11 and now October 7th. There are many things I do differently today than I did prior to October 7th. I speak out much more often against antisemitism and hatred. I reach out to those I love and to my friends. I make sure my friends who are different religions, races, cultures, etc. know I care about them and that I am interested in our similarities, not our differences.
Like Pirkei Avot teaches us, I have an obligation to help with the work. So I give blood, hold doors, exhibit patience, spend more time with my family, tell those that I love that I love them. I invest in friendships and allow those that have been shown to not be investable to die so that I am investing in those of value.
I appreciate what I have in my life. I am a rich man because I want what I have rather than having what I want. I am grateful for the life that I get to live rather than worrying about the life I wish I had. I am more connected spiritually and am open to all that the universe brings to me.
I am committed to making the world a better place. That starts with those around me and in my local community. It means doing things for the right reasons. President Ronald Reagan had on his desk a sign that said, “There is no limit to what a man can do or where he can go if he doesn’t mind who gets the credit.” That is how I live my life post October 7th. I don’t care who gets the credit. I don’t care about the recognition. I only care about what we can do together. What we can accomplish. How we can make the world a better place for all.
The paperweight from President Ronald Reagan’s desk
Where were you when the world stopped turnin’ On that September day?
The song ends with the haunting question that it began with. It reminds us that the world did stop turning. Both on 9/11 and October 7th the world was forever altered. We were forever altered. Where were we? What did we do as a result? How did we change? How did we change the world? What did we do to make the world a better place and to get it turning once again.
At the end of the day, all we can control is our own actions. What are you going to do today to make the world a better place? How are you going to change the world today? Remember that just because the world stopped turning on October 7th doesn’t mean we are free from the obligation to make sure it is turning once again. I’m up for the challenge and I hope you will join me.
This week is another Tim McGraw song. This one, “Humble and Kind”, is from 2016, once again highlighting how far behind I am in discovering country music legends. I chose this for many reasons, as you will see below. If you want to watch the video, I have included it.
The lyrics begin:
You know there’s a light that glows by the front door Don’t forget the key’s under the mat When childhood stars shine Always stay humble and kind
Growing up, the key was always under the mat. At my house or at my friends’ homes. Everybody knew it, nobody took advantage. It was a different time. More than just having a key under the mat, the door was always open if you needed a place to go. Many times, I had friends who needed to get out of their house and a safe place to hang out and sleep over. My house was that place. My parents would often joke that they didn’t know who was staying for dinner or who was gonna be there for breakfast. They cared only to the extent that they wanted our house to always be a safe place for our friends.
It was a great lesson growing up. Treat everybody the same. It doesn’t matter what their home life is like, how much money they have, what type of prestige their family may or may not have. People are people, friends are friends. It was one of my first lessons in kindness and has left a deep impact on me and my siblings. It was also a lesson in humility, one that I didn’t really understand until much later in life. My parents didn’t do this for recognition. It wasn’t something that was publicized amongst their peers in the neighborhood. It was private. It was personal. It was about taking care of the kids, our friends, and making sure they had what they needed. It was truly them being humble and kind. It is why my childhood friends all have such strong respect and love for my parents to this day.
Go to church ’cause your mamma says to Visit grandpa every chance that you can It won’t be wasted time Always stay humble and kind
This verse highlights three very important things. First, listen to your parents. When I reached my teens, all of a sudden I was brilliant and knew everything. My parents knew nothing. Listening to their guidance became optional for me and they had to force me to listen with threats of being grounded, losing access to a car, money, or the ability to go and do the things I wanted to do. So, in this little, throw-away addition to the first line, the lesson is provided. Listen to your parents. They may seem old, boring, and not up to date with what’s happening in the world today. And they may be. But they also have the wisdom of life’s experiences and can help you avoid many pitfalls. I often ask myself what my parents would say to me and when I am not sure, I call my mom for her guidance. I always wish I could still call my dad.
Charles Barkely, one of my favorite commentators on life, puts his own spin on this
The second lesson is the importance of spirituality in our lives. It doesn’t matter if you prefer church, synagogue, the mosque, temple, nature, the beach, or anything else. Finding spirituality in your life provides a grounding base for life. Life is filled with ups and downs, risks, and consequences. Having that spiritual base provides comfort. It opens the door to supportive relationships with others on that spiritual journey. As we go on the journey of life, having a spiritual base anchors us, and provides us stability. So, listen to your mamma, go to church (or synagogue or the mosque or the temple or experience nature or the beach), and build a spiritual base. As you get older you can pick your own spiritual journey if the one you started on with your family doesn’t resonate.
Finally, visit grandpa. It’s not just grandpa. It is grandma, aunts, uncles, cousins, and all your relatives. The time spent with family isn’t wasted time. As I think of my childhood, growing up spending significant time with all four of my grandparents, my great grandmother Rose, my aunts and uncles, and my cousins, I am so grateful for it. I think of going with my grandpa Si to visit his father, my ‘Poppy’. Poppy was already in his 90s when I remember him. He didn’t move well, he didn’t speak much. We would go over to see him, for my grandpa to give him a shave, and for me to sit on his lap as his great grandson. I remember the day he died and how sad I was to not be able to see him any longer. I was only six years old and when I talk about him with my brother, who is three years younger than me, he doesn’t even remember visiting him.
With my Grandpa Si. I have great pictures and memories with all my grandparents.
I think of the many lessons all of my grandparents taught me. Their love, guidance and support is something that I treasure. I watched my parents with my children emulate them. I watched the way my in-laws interact as their parents did with my wife and her sisters. It becomes a generational connection with the lessons of family, love, respect, honor, humility, and kindness being transmitted from one generation to another. I look forward to the day when I become a grandfather and have that opportunity to fulfill that role. I know that my great-grandparents, my grandparents, and my parents will be on my shoulders guiding me, helping to ensure that my grandchildren are also humble and kind people as they grow up and enter the world.
My sister called me today to talk about our Grandma Esther, who died more than 25 years ago. That’s a true legacy.
Hold the door, say “please”, say “thank you” Don’t steal, don’t cheat, and don’t lie I know you got mountains to climb But always stay humble and kind
My Grandma Ev and my mom, her daughter, were always on us about manners. Holding the door. Saying please and thank you. Writing thank you notes. Helping to clean up after meals. If we ever referred to my mom as ‘she’, we were told that is the cat (we never had a cat) and were to use proper names. I can still hear them saying, “What’s the magic word?” (the answer is please), I remember in middle school when we took home economics, the issue of manners was an easy one for me because it was drilled into me at home. It’s something that I have endeavored to do with my children as well. It doesn’t take much to have manners, just some effort.
Grandpa Len, Grandma Ev, Grandma Esther and Grandpa Si. That’s me with the big grin. I’m so lucky to have had the relationship with them that I did.
The other lesson this part of the song highlights for me is to have morals and ethics. My grandparents would emphasize this all the time. Who you are when nobody is looking is who you are. What you do when nobody sees is what shows your morals, values, and ethics. If you want to be a good person, then you do it all the time, not just when people are watching. The future is unlimited, and we were taught not to take shortcuts to get there. No stealing, cheating, or lying. We learned early on that we got in much more trouble for lying than telling the truth. I remember getting caught cheating on a test in high school and getting in much more trouble for that than failing the exam and getting a bad grade that marking period. As kids, when we would take something from a store without paying, we were made to not just return it but to apologize to the store owner. Raising my children, I have done the same thing and shared the same messages. I’m proud of the people my sons are. How they live their lives and live their values. And I know my grandparents are looking down and smiling, knowing it was their influence.
We have bright and exciting futures ahead of us, no matter where we are in life. It’s important to remember that throughout the journey we must remain humble and kind.
When the dreams you’re dreamin’ come to you When the work you put in is realized Let yourself feel the pride But always stay humble and kind
As I just wrote, we have bright and exciting futures. In the words of Theodore Herzl, “If you will it, it is no dream.” So, the dreams we have require work to realize. My grandparents and parents always taught me that. The effort was more important than the results since the only thing we can control is our own effort. When I got an A but didn’t study, it didn’t impress my parents. If I worked really hard and ended up with a B, they were incredibly proud. The same was true in sports. Working hard to improve was more important than being the star. It’s the work you put in that means everything. It also may result in achieving your dreams.
The full Theodore Herzl Quote
I remember my first semester in grad school, I got 2 A’s and 2 B’s. My advisor called me to his office and told me that serious graduate students didn’t get B’s. I took that to heart and for the rest of that degree, I worked harder and got all A’s. It was the effort that mattered.
This lyric reminds us of that. We can be proud of our results. Graduating high school, college, graduate school, law school, medical school, or building a successful business are all wonderful achievements. The important part is the work we put in. So go ahead and feel the pride of the accomplishment but more importantly, recognize the effort that went into achieving the goal. That’s what really matters. So don’t be full our ourselves for the accomplishment. Instead, be humble and kind, because it’s the effort that really matters, not the accomplishment. Celebrate the effort, appreciate the gift of the accomplishment.
Don’t expect a free ride from no one Don’t hold a grudge or a chip and here’s why Bitterness keeps you from flyin’ Always stay humble and kind
I love how these lyrics build off each other. Just as I finish writing about how it’s the effort that matters, not the outcome, the song emphasizes this with stating there is no free ride. Nobody gives you anything, it’s all earned. So if you are going to have to earn what you get, don’t hold grudges or live with a chip on your shoulder. Living with bitterness only diminishes ourselves. It doesn’t hurt the other person. It’s like being angry at somebody and punching yourself in the face. They don’t feel a thing, but we sure do.
If our goal in life is to enjoy every minute, why would we want to limit ourself because of other people? Why would we want to let other people rent space in our heads without paying for it? That’s why the song reminds us to stay humble and kind. By doing that, we aren’t letting somebody else control our lives. We aren’t giving our power away to somebody we don’t even like. It’s an important life lesson for happiness. Often we think that our ego will make us feel good when in reality, it’s being humble and kind, focusing on our own part and not worrying about other people’s behavior.
Know the difference between sleeping with someone And sleeping with someone you love “I love you” ain’t no pick-up line So always stay humble and kind
‘”I love you” ain’t no pick-up line’ is such a powerful statement. In today’s world, love becomes a word that is thrown around too often and recklessly. It was the key word to use when you were trying to sleep with somebody. Telling them you loved them was the key statement. If you were able to throw that out there, sex was the likely outcome. But then you were stuck with the impact of your words.
It reminds me of one of my favorite songs, Paradise by the Dashboard Light by Meatloaf.
How often do I get to use a song as I analyze the lyrics of another song? In Paradise, the end of the song is the perfect example of this.
I couldn’t take it any longer Lord I was crazed And when the feeling came upon me Like a tidal wave I started swearing to my god and on my mother’s grave That I would love you to the end of time I swore that I would love you to the end of time! So now I’m praying for the end of time To hurry up and arrive ‘Cause if I gotta spend another minute with you I don’t think that I can really survive I’ll never break my promise or forget my vow But God only knows what I can do right now I’m praying for the end of time It’s all that I can do Praying for the end of time, So I can end my time with you!
The risk of throwing the phrase ‘I love you’ out there recklessly is that if you have morals and ethics, you get stuck. Meatloaf said it to get what he wanted and now is ‘praying for the end of time.” Our desires to sleep with someone instead of sleeping with someone you love can be compared to many of our choices where we go against our morals, ethics, and values. When we stick to them, when we remain humble and kind, we don’t have to worry about praying for the end of time. Kindness and humility doesn’t just help others, it helps us.
When it’s hot, eat a root beer popsicle Shut off the AC and roll the windows down Let that summer sun shine Always stay humble and kind
As the song begins to conclude, the lyrics get more general about life itself Appreciate what we have when we have it. When its hot, have something cool. Enjoy the moment. Don’t worry about what we don’t have, focus on what we have. Grab the opportunity with two hands and enjoy every moment of it.
I remember growing up and spending summers at my grandparents’ house. The ice cream (or Good Humor as my grandfather would say) man would come every day and getting that popsicle or ice cream on a hot afternoon was everything. It was simple. It was delicious. It was special. Asking for that dime (and then quarter as I got older, and prices went up) was a big deal. Running after the truck, catching it, and walking away satisfied made the entire day. It’s hard to believe today, but AC wasn’t a given back then. Fans would be moving the air, windows would be open, and we would wear shorts and t-shirts. TV was only on at night, starting with the news. That summer sun shone and we took advantage of it and enjoyed every moment.
It’s a life lesson for today. Forget about video games, screens, monitors, and staying inside. Sit outside and read a book. Go for a walk. Play outside with friends. Go for a swim. Be with other people in person. Don’t use zoom or facetime or internet and headphones with a video game. Be in person. Interact with other people. Pay attention to their nonverbal communication because you are really ‘with’ them, not just in the same place virtually.
Be humble about the toys and the technology. Be kind with your time. There is nothing like being together in person with people. Don’t ever forget that.
Don’t take for granted the love this life gives you When you get where you’re going don’t forget turn back around And help the next one in line Always stay humble and kind
The closes with an important reminder. Don’t take things for granted. Don’t expect there will always be time to say what you want to people. To get together with people. Don’t take for granted the people who love you and who go out of their way to help in any way they can.
When you reach new status in life, don’t forget the people who were there along the way. If you move to a nicer house, in a different neighborhood, don’t forget your friends who were there for you during the times you lived in your old house in your old neighborhood. If your life changes to where you are now traveling to exotic places where some of your old friends can’t go, don’t leave them behind. Make the time to be with them and enjoy every minute in the places you can both be at. The one thing we know is that life will change. Our circumstances will change and be different from our friends and loved ones. The question is will we change? Will we still talk to the people we talked to every day before things changed? Will we judge them for the difference in status or accept and love them for who they are? We may not notice our behavior, but they will. And when we need them in the future, they won’t forget that we forgot them. People are not disposable.
The final two lines focus on three things, two of which we have repeatedly discussed and will close with. Humble and Kind. The other is helping others. It often takes very little to help somebody else. Holding a door, sharing an umbrella, giving somebody a ride, letting them use your phone. So many little things happen every single day where we have the opportunity to lighten up somebody else’s day with a little kindness and humility. The three go together to make the type of world we all want to live in. Don’t shirk your responsibility. Remember to help. Remember to be humble. And remember to be kind.
Today is my dad’s (z’l) 80th birthday. Yes, that means he was a February 29th, leap year baby.
My favorite story about his birthday came from his mother, my Grandma Esther. When she took him to enroll in public school, they asked when she chose to celebrate his birthday. She asked why it would matter, as his birthday is his birthday. They told her that if they celebrated his birthday on February 28th, then he could enroll this year. But since that was the cutoff date, if they celebrated it March 1, he had to wait another year to enroll. You guessed it, she told them they celebrated on February 28th!!
My dad believed this 100%
My dad’s real birthdays were always a special celebration in part because they only came once every four years. I remember counting down until I had more birthdays than him (it was when I had my 8th birthday and he had to wait almost 2 full months for his actual 8th birthday! My brother and sister did it as well as did my kids. My son Matthew turned 20 two weeks after my dad died, having celebrated 19 real birthdays. We talked a lot about how he just missed celebrating his 20th before my dad did. Thinking about it now still brings tears to my eyes as it did when we lovingly talked about it.
As we prepare to celebrate his 80th birthday, and we will celebrate it, I find myself missing him a great deal, especially at this time in my life, and thinking of the lessons he taught me and how important they are and how core they are to who I am as a person. I want to share a few with you.
Family is Everything.
My dad (and my mom) not only preached this but lived it on a daily basis. Nothing came before family. For family simchas (celebrations), my parents were always there. Growing up, the entire family was there. With my cousin’s daughter’s Bat Mitzvah coming up, there is no question we’ll be there, just as we were for my other cousin’s son’s Bar Mitzvah last year. Family is everything and you don’t sacrifice family or family time for anything. You do whatever you can and whatever is needed for family.
Family is also not defined by blood. I have ‘Aunts and Uncles’ who are not related by blood. I have ‘brothers and sisters’ who are not related by blood. I have cousins who are more like siblings. My in-laws are second parents and my wife’s family is truly my family. I joke with people about my family because it’s gotten so big because so many people are part of it that aren’t blood related.
When it comes to family, we were taught that you do whatever is needed to help. Period. No, ‘if’s, ands or buts’ as my mom would often say. I’m grateful to my dad and my mom for instilling this in us as children. It’s not only how I live my life, but also what I teach my children, and Family First has been a core philosophy during the 25 years I ran nonprofit organizations.
All together for my parents 50th wedding anniversary
Be ethical – behave as if your mother will see everything you do on the front page of the New York Times.
My dad preached this all the time. When making decisions and making choices, always imagine that your actions or inactions will be on the front page of the NY Times and your mother, and her friends will see it. Is that what I really want my mom to see and read? Is that what I want her friends to be asking her about?
My dad always wanted us to think through our decisions. I can’t count how many times we sat and talked about different situations and went through all the possible outcomes. We’d discuss how we would handle it if this specific thing happened. What if it was something different? How would we handle that? What type of person do you want to be? How do you want people to view you? What values matter to you and how do you consistently act on them.
My long time friends have some great stories about me when I didn’t act that way. When I wouldn’t want my behavior and actions to have been on the front page of the NY Times. Most of those happened in high school and college, which isn’t surprising. That’s when we are testing boundaries, learning limits, and still believe that we are infallible. I use those stories to show my mistakes to my kids. To teach them from the things I didn’t do well how they can do better. They aren’t things I am proud of but they are the things that 13-22 year olds do. We often laugh at them now because they are certainly ridiculous and absurd. And they are the type of things I would never do now.
With my friend (who is a brother) Aric and his future wife Carol Ann. You can tell from this picture we were up to no good. He has a wealth of stories that thankfully he doesn’t tell.
My dad began instilling this in us as young children because I think he knew that it would take time for it to really set into our soul. That we wouldn’t understand as kids but by consistenly reinforcing it and teaching us, we would learn it before we made any catestrophic mistakes. His foresight is greatly appreciated and something I have copied with my children.
Thanks Dad, for making me question my actions and strive to always be ethical in my actions. I’m a better person, husband, father, friend, and colleague because of the time and effort you invested to teach me the importance of living an ethical life.
Be Kind
In recent times, there has been a focus on the need to be kind. In many ways this is due to the fact that so many people are not kind. They behave in ways that are atrocious, unethical, and shameful. The way they treat others is completely unacceptable. My dad taught us to be kind. He taught us that how you treat people says something about you and your character. It doesn’t mean you have to like or respect people, but it is important to treat them with dignity. It’s important to be kind.
This doesn’t mean I need to be a doormat. It means that until or unless somebody shows you that they don’t deserve kindness and respect, you give it to them. And even when they show you that, it’s important to behave in an ethical manner. My dad taught me that it is important to remember that at the end of the day, I have to live with myself and my decisions. This means standing up for what is right, what I believe in, and what are my core values. Although at times it takes work and a lot of effort, I can do this in a kind manner.
After my dad died, one of the things that was said about him the most was that he was a kind man. He had a heart of gold and never wanted to hurt anybody, only to help people. It’s one of the characteristics and personality traits of his that I strive to emulate.
Get Involved – make a difference.
My grandparents taught this to my parents who taught it to me and my siblings. Don’t stand on the sidelines. It is important to get involved and work to improve the world in whatever way you can. That was my dad as my cub scout troop leader when nobody else would do it. It was me coaching my kids’ sports teams. It is getting involved with Jewish life in one way or another. Working to connect with legislators who make the laws that we live with. Volunteering with organizations that do work that matters to you.
My dad taught me that life is a contact sport. Sitting on the sidelines isn’t what life is about. I got involved with a youth group in high school. Fraternity in college. Volunteering throughout my life. Working in the nonprofit world for the past 25+ years. Building relationships with people and always being willing to help them.
I was on the phone yesterday with a friend of a friend who connected us about some work-related topics. As we were talking, she asked if I could help with something totally unrelated to the conversation. My answer was 100% yes. Because that’s what I was taught to do. I was talking to another friend yesterday who thanked me for doing something to help them. I told them they didn’t need to say thank you, that’s what friends do for each other. Because that’s what I was taught.
My grandparents were volunteering in the synagogue, at the Jewish home for the elderly, raising money for JNF, volunteering and knitting slippers and sweaters for kids in the hospital. It was always something. They were involved in their community and their lives were richer as a result. I’ll never forget the stories of Holocaust Survivors sleeping on the floor at my great-grandmother’s house because they had no place to go and she just took them in until they could get settled. My parents ‘adopted’ a family from the former Soviet Union when they finally got out and came to the US. My mom is in touch with them today and they are another part of our family, unrelated by blood.
My kids often laugh at me when I talk about ‘my friend (insert name)’ because often times they have no idea which one I am talking about because they hear so many names. I have to clarify which person it is for them because they have grown up understanding that getting involved and helping others is what we do. It is one way that we can make the world a better place.
Thanks Dad. Thanks Mom. By teaching me this value, you’ve made me a better person and allowed me to impact the world in my own way.
My dad loved Nefesh Mountain and brought them to Tampa as a fundraiser to send kids to Jewish summer camp. It was his last major volunteer project.
Set goals. Setting them is more important than achieving them.
This sounds wrong. Isn’t it about what you achieve? I struggled with this when my dad would talk to me about this when I was a kid. Especially in high school when achievement was everything and effort didn’t seem to matter that much. Once again, he was right, and it just took me a little longer to understand it.
If you don’t set goals, you don’t know where you want to go. And if you don’t know where you want to go, you can end up anywhere. I didn’t understand that as kid. I wanted to go to college, have a career, make money, have a family, buy a house, retire, and enjoy my life. Those were goals and I knew where I wanted to go. But I didn’t know how to get there. It is like the famous Theodore Herzl quote, ‘If you will it, it is no dream.’ Just wanting it isn’t enough. You have to will it. You have to work for it. And if you don’t know the steps to take to get there, you likely won’t get there.
I set goals all the time. Goals for the day, the week, the month, the year. When I am working on a project, I have goals and milestones set to achieve so I can measure my progress. Financial goals for retirement. I have an objective for when my house is paid off, places I want to visit, things I want to do. Without setting the goals, I’d have no way to get to what I want to accomplish.
So yes, achieving the goals is important, but if you don’t set them first, you can’t achieve them. Once again, Dad you were right, it just took me a while to understand it.
People remember who you are, not what you did.
Simon Sinek’s amazing TED Talk, Start with Why, focuses on the fact that people don’t buy what you do, they buy why you do it. My dad knew this concept years before Simon’s TED talk, as he taught us this lesson as children. He was never caught up in what he did, but rather who he was a person. The number of stories we heard about my dad and the impact he had on people was incredible. People remembered who he was. They remembered the time he spent with them. The way he listened to them. The way he would always be there for them when they needed him, no matter what. It was who he was. The fact that he had a very successful career and made an impact in the pharmaceutical industry through research and getting new drugs through the FDA was nice, but it wasn’t what he thought was important.
Throughout my career, I have been most proud of the relationships I have built and the people who have been in my life at different stages that still are a part of my life today. People who used to work for me. Students from UF Hillel. Parents of students. Alumni. I have these interactions almost every week. This week alone it happened about 10 times. That’s not a typo – literally 10 or more just this week. I treasure those conversations and connections. I even told one of them today that I was writing about this in the blog as we connected about different things, talked about family, and it seemed like we had just been together yesterday.
I enjoy having the opportunity to remain in people’s lives for decades. To build and maintain friendships. To be a mentor, advisor, friend, colleague and watch their lives unfold. To be a part of their group and for them to be a part of mine.
After my dad died, the stories people told about him were remarkable. I’d heard the same theme throughout my life however after he died, the number of people who had those stories was truly remarkable. He was somebody who was there for everybody. He was known to sit down next to you, pat your thigh and ask, “So what’s going on good?” And then he listened. He heard them. He spent time understanding what they were really talking about and what they were really asking. And then he provided some suggestions and guidance that they could take or not. Most of the time they took it and expressed their gratitude.
One of my friends met my dad only once. He didn’t have a relationship with his own father and was astounded by the relationship I had with my father. He would always remind me of the interaction with my dad and how much it impacted him. He would imitate my dad when he told him, “Call me Barry.” That’s who he was to everybody. He was the person anybody and everybody could reach out to talk with, to share challenges with who would listen and give you 100% of his attention. He was a friend and confidante to so many people. I don’t think any of us realized just how wide and broad his impact in this role was until after he died.
People don’t buy what you do, they buy why you do it. People remember who you are, not what you did. Simon Sinek and Barry Dvorchik (z’l).
My dad and his 2 (biological) sons. He had many more who considered him to either be dad or Uncle Barry
February 29th will always be a special day for me. In many ways I’m glad that it only comes every 4 years, although having celebrated his birthday on February 28th most years means there still is a day that I will miss him even more. I’m very lucky to have had him as a dad and for the wisdom he imparted that I continue to hear in my head and continue to follow.
So today, February 29, 2024, do something special for Barry. Spend some extra time with your family. Call your kids or your parents or your grandparents just to say you love them. Talk with your siblings for no reason other than you love them, and if you have a strained relationship with family, make a commitment to work towards repairing it. He’s up there watching and nothing would make him happier than seeing people investing in their family in his name. And do what he loved to do more than anything…. start dinner by eating dessert first!
I love and miss you dad. Happy heavenly birthday.
One of my favorite pictures with my dad. This was at Evan’s Bar Mitzvah and we were filled with joy.
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