Tag: family

Two years of war and a happy country?

Posted on by Keith Dvorchik

I returned from Israel on Friday. It was a long return trip, waking up at 5 am IST (10 pm Thursday night ET) and leaving early in the morning from Haifa to get to Ben Gurion airport. The long flight to JFK was easy but was during the day so I didn’t sleep much. A 2 hour layover and I was on my flight home. I got to my house around midnight, 26 hours after I woke up in Haifa.

The long trip gave me a lot of time to think. Dealing with jetlag upon my return gave me more time to think. This was a different trip for me. I knew going into it that I needed to be in Israel for my soul. I wasn’t touring the ‘normal’ way and was going to spend a few days just being in Israel before a day of work in Jerusalem and then 3 days up north working. It was a day about my relationship with Israel and Israelis, not about the Jewish connection to Israel. I was in Jerusalem but not the old city. I didn’t visit the Dead Sea or Masada. I did spend time on the beach, hanging in restaurants with Israelis, visiting schools and youth programs, and being connected to ordinary people.

On the plane returning and in the past two days, I have found myself reflecting on the ordinary people of Israel. Israel is typically rated one of the happiest countries in the world. This despite living in a very tough neighborhood with genocidal terrorist organizations like Hamas and Hezbollah on their borders. Terrorists try to come in every day to murder Israeli people and Iran is an existential threat. This was before the horrors of October 7th. Yet in the 2025 survey of the world’s happiest countries, Israel ranked 5th. A country that was attacked and invaded in 2023 where over 1,200 people murdered in the attack. A country at war with so many of her citizens called back to serve in the reserves. A country being villified by the international community based on terrible lies, being called terrible things, all due to Jew hatred. A country that had the north evacuated due to daily rocket attacks and who spent time almost daily in bomb shelters. This is the country that was the 5th happiest in 2024?

This past week helped me really understand how a country facing all these challenges could be the world’s 5th happiest country (for comparison, the United States was 21st). In Israel, they focus on what they have rather than what they don’t have. They focus on gratitude not desire. It’s a country that realizes that gratitude is a far better way to live than envy.

It got me thinking about my life and the changes I have made in the past few years. My dad dying in September 2022 was a life changing event for me. Not just because I lost a parent and mentor. It was a realization that the end is closer than any of us want to acknowledge and the question is more about who we want to be and how we want to live than how much we can have.

So I have changed my life. I removed a great deal of stress. for decades, my job was filled with stress. I’m just as busy and working just as hard but now it is without the stress that I used to have. I make sure that I am rested and not burning the candle at both ends. I make sure to eat and eat healthy. No more skipping lunch because I’m too busy. I eat healthy now – whole foods rather than something quick. Today I had the time to make a fresh salad for lunch, cutting up lettuce, tomatoes and other veggies rather than grabbing something quick to stuff down my throat because I had no time between meetings.

On this Israel trip, I got to meet people who were doing the same thing. People who lived by their values so they moved their family to the north to repopulate that area after the war. While many people won’t move back, there are many who realize how important it is to live there and are choosing to do so. The high school student who had the opportunity to decide whether he wanted to take the exams for his bagrut (high school diploma) and decided not to take them. As he shared that with us, I could feel his trepidation as he was waiting for criticism. Criticism that he didn’t get. The early childhood teacher who loved his job and the children he interacted with. The little tricks he did for them and the joy in their faces as he did them. The care in his voice as he talked to them and way they were truly little people, not just kids.

I talked with people who are more concerned about the mental health of IDF combat soldiers than their personal income. They are volunteering tremendous amounts of time to do their part in providing for the mental health care needed for these soldiers. Each time an IDF combat soldier commits suicide, a little piece of them dies, so they work to reduce that number to zero. They invest their time, their money, and their heart and soul.

I went to visit Hapoel Jerusalem Football Club (HJFC), a team that is much more than a professional team in the Premier League for men and women’s soccer. Their social programs are changing the face of Jerusalem and the future of Israel. Hersh Goldberg-Polin (z’l) was one of the leaders of their fan club. I wear my Hapoel Jerusalem FC shirt with his face on it proudly. It speaks to people living by their values, choosing to make the world a better place which means they are happier in their daily lives. Read the post below which describes somebody’s experience with the girls program of HJFC. It’s extraordinary.

I used to believe that I could never make Aliyah (move to Israel) because I want to live like an American in Israel and to do so is extremely expensive. There is a saying about life in Israel that explains this well.

People don’t move to Israel to become financially rich. They move to Israel to be spiritually rich. To be emotionally fulfilled. To have meaning in their life. You don’t have to move to Israel to have those things. We can choose them in our daily lives. Yet in America, we rarely do. We place money ahead of our values. Our answer to the saying, “You can either be happy or right” is often to be right. The lesson I was reminded of on this trip is that we don’t have to make those choices. We can learn to focus on what matters. Being happy. Enjoying life.

When I came back from Israel, my oldest son was home for the weekend. It was great having him home for the weekend, even though we didn’t do anything. Just having him around was nice. My best friend’s son is getting married next weekend and I’ll be there to celebrate. A few days later, my younger son is taking the LSAT and has to go to Ft Myers to take it (that’s an entirely different story). So we’ll drive down to Ft Myers, stay in a hotel, he’ll take the LSAT and then we’ll drive home. 8 hours in the car together along with a night at the hotel together. Priceless. That’s the key to being happy – enjoying every minute and the opportunities they present.

I think of my dog, a now 10 month old chocolate lab. She gets excited to see me every morning, not because I’m going to take her outside and give her breakfast. Not because she’ll get treats and do a puzzle. She gets excited because we are together. When my wife comes downstairs and comes home from work, my puppy is filled with anticipation and realizes she is the luckiest dog in the world because she’s with her people, with her pack. That’s how I want to be.

Israel taught me that. Despite two years of war, they cherish every moment. Despite a year of rockets falling on them and rushing to their safe room day after day after day, they found ways to appreciate things. As I sat on the beach in Tel Aviv, breathing the fresh air, listening to the waves and people all around me, I realized just how lucky I am. It’s not about the things I have or don’t have. It’s not about the size of my house or my bank account. It’s about the people in my life. Recognizing the beauty in the world around me. The gifts of life.

I have been to Israel 24 times. Trip 25 is scheduled. What a gift. What a blessing. As I look at that image, my heartbeat slows, any stress disappears, I relax and realize just how lucky I am. And when we realize how lucky we are instead of thinking about all we don’t have, the world is a much better place.

The living dead

Posted on by Keith Dvorchik

I use a lot of sources to keep up to date on the news. Unlike the days of Walter Cronkite on CBS news, there is no single trusted source in today’s media. One of the people that I read is Danny Gordis. His “Israel from the Inside” substack posts are filled with a great deal of facts, stories, opinions, and thoughtful pieces. Today’s post was extremely powerful and hit me deeply, bringing tears to my eyes. Having been to Israel 3 times last year (May, July, and September), and working with many different organizations in Israel with daily contact with Israeli’s, it hit home. It’s what I have seen, heard and felt. While on a zoom with one of my partners last week, she let us know that she may have to leave in a few minutes because she got the “10 minute alert” that the Houthi’s had fired a ballistic missile at Israel. Sure enough, a few minutes later she said, “I have to go” and off she went to her safe room. The rest of us stayed and talked until she returned a few minutes later.

I urge you to read this story from Danny Gordis’s “Israel from the Inside”. It is an English translation of a Facebook Post (in Hebrew)from yesterday. And if you subscribe (paid or free), you won’t regret it.

I died on the 120th day of the war, but I didn’t tell anyone

I was killed on the 120th day of the war, but I didn’t tell anyone. The battles were raging and I didn’t want to hurt the guys’ morale. At the end of the month, I got leave.

My wife Talia picked me up from the train and hugged me tight, as if she were drowning in a frozen sea and I was a wooden door. So of course I didn’t tell her I was dead; everything had already fallen on her shoulders these past months. The moment I entered the apartment, Romi, my four-year-old daughter, came running from the neighbors, jumped on me and refused to let go—so I didn’t tell her either that Daddy was dead. Why break her heart?

After Romi fell asleep, Talia waited for me in bed with white wine. “I missed you,” she wrapped her warm thighs around my cold body. We made love. Not because I wanted to (the dead don’t need sex), but just to make her happy. It didn’t work; she stayed distant (or was it me?), and when she asked what I’d been through—I stayed silent (no reason to bring horrors into bed).

A few days later I went back to the battlefield, and two weeks after that I saved five soldiers from death.
“You’ve got balls of steel!” the battalion commander slapped my back. I wanted to say I was dead, so I hadn’t really risked anything, but since my actions had revived the unit’s spirit, which still hadn’t recovered from the death of Gilad the platoon commander, I replied, “Thank you, sir.”

At some point I was sent home, back to “normal life,” but between me and it stood a transparent, impassable border, behind which I watched them like a fish in an aquarium. And the world that once excited me—turned faded; work at the computer store no longer interested me, nor did poker games with friends, and at home, with Talia and Romi, I felt like an invading germ.

Until… One Saturday, Romi fell in the living room. “Daddyyyy!” she cried and I froze, hypnotized by the sight of blood trickling down her forehead, the clear tears dripping from her eyes, the yellowish urine that escaped her, and I thought about how many shades of fluid are in the human body, and remembered Sergei and the bullet he took to the head. That night, after we got back from the ER, Talia said I had to get help, that she couldn’t reach me, that she was out of strength. But all I heard was blah-blah from someone who doesn’t understand how the world works and how bloody and stinking and monstrous it is.
Better she doesn’t know. Let her put on an avocado mask and go to sleep.

But she kept nagging, so I went to the living room and stared at the sidewalk, seven floors down, and wanted to jump, because I felt like a foreign body that life had rejected. The window wouldn’t open. Turns out the frame was bent by a rocket that fell nearby. So I gave up and went to bed.

The next day, Assi, who’d been with me in high school and in the unit, came into the store. Since it was already noon, we went to the hummus place, gossiping about Victor who learned to jump with his new leg, about Barry who got a better hand than the one he lost, and about Udi who finally proposed.
At some point, there was silence and I asked if Talia had asked him to come talk to me. Assi nodded, because there’s no bullshit between us.

“So why is she worried?” he asked.
“It’s hard for her to accept that I’m dead,” I answered honestly, because I no longer had the strength to hide it.
Assi wasn’t fazed and speared a pickle from the plate. “Remember when you died?”
“The day Sergei was shot.”
“Mmm… half a year.” He bit into the pickle. “And what’s the hardest part about being dead?”
“That I don’t feel anything.”
“Really?” He looked at me, picked up a fork and stabbed my hand.
“Ow!” I jumped, “Are you nuts?!”
“Turns out there are some things you do feel,” he grinned, like a kid who just egged the principal.
I glared at him. Really? Seriously?! That’s your reaction to my death?! Seven years of psychology studies for this?! I got so angry I threw an olive at his eye.
“You son of a—” he flung pita at me.
So I threw a shish kebab at him.
A wave of stupid laughter took over and we kept pelting each other with fries and falafel until the owner lost it and kicked us out.

“What if…” Assi wondered as we walked back to the store, “it’s not that you don’t feel, but that… you’re afraid to feel?”
“Afraid to feel what?” I asked, and immediately thought of Ortal, Sergei’s wife, who after years of fertility treatments finally got pregnant, and how he came back from leave beaming and showed us the ultrasound of the boy. “Check out this mega-penis! Just like his dad!!!”

48 hours later, he took a sniper’s bullet. A bullet that wasn’t even meant for him. I was supposed to go to the window, but I was breaking a record on a dusty Game Boy I’d found, so I asked him to go instead and… I started to cry, because he didn’t deserve it. He didn’t.

“Now I know you’re alive,” Assi said, “Know why?”
“Why?”
“Because dead men don’t cry.”

He put a comforting hand on me and suddenly there was wild gunfire, fighter jets tearing through the sky, which stank of smoke, of decay, someone cried “Yama! Yama!!” Or maybe it was “Mama! Mama!!” And my hands searched for a weapon, but I was in civilian clothes, in the middle of Bialik Boulevard—

“I’m losing my mind,” I told Assi.
“You’re not, bro! You’re feeling, don’t run from it, don’t run!” And he hugged me tight and didn’t let me fall.

That evening I went to Talia, who was folding clothes, and said I wanted, like before, to read Romi a bedtime story. “Not sure that’s a good idea,” she refused to look at me. So I pinched her butt, like we used to do to annoy each other when we were dating. It surprised her, even confused her.

“Assi came to visit me at the store,” I said.
“And…” she glanced at me.
“He stabbed me with a fork.”
“Too bad it wasn’t a pitchfork,” she looked at me for a few seconds and must have seen something that changed her mind, because she picked up a book from the couch and handed it to me.

I read Romi a story about a turtle who wanted to be a butterfly, and the night lamp painted colorful animals on the walls. She fell asleep before the end, where the turtle, drawn in black and white the whole book, suddenly glowed with colors. And even though it was a predictable and silly ending, I teared up, and stroked her tiny, sweet fingers, moving with the rhythm of her dreams, and I couldn’t understand how in the same world horror and love could live side by side.

And I thought of Sergei, of his wife, of the baby in her belly, of corpses and kisses, screams and butterflies, and everything inside me stormed and raged and cried… and I didn’t run from it… I didn’t run. I didn’t run.

I know far too many people like this brave man. Far too many Israeli friends that have been through hell and back since October 7th. Rami Davidian, the farmer who saved 750 people from the Nova Festival on October 7th – the look in his eyes as he told us how he untied dead women from the trees he was looking at, their bodies abused, to give them dignity, is something I will never forget.

I have heard stories from my friend Yaron about October 7th, the first four months of the war in Gaza, and the most recent hostage release during the last ceasefire, that I will never forget. There are more that he cannot share. My friend Tal goes back into reserves in what seems like every other week. I’ve been to army bases, had barbecues with IDF soldiers and families from Kibbutz Alumim. Hearing the members of Kibbutz Alumim who fought the terrorists on October 7th is something I will never forget. As one member pointed out the 3 places he was shot that day, the places where bullets still remain in his body, I often wonder how, or if, they will ever recover.

Then I think about the work Dror Israel is doing with children and families in Israel. I think about Hapoel Jerusalem Football Club and the work they are doing with Trauma Soccer and their neighborhood leagues which get Jewish and Arab children in Jerusalem to play and learn together. I think about Hersh Goldberg-Polin (z’l), one of the leaders of their fan club and how much a future of peace and healing mattered to him. I think about Israel Volunteer Corp-Sword of Iron, mobilizing a community of over 44,000 people who want to volunteer in Israel to help rebuild both the physical and emotional state of the country. I think about what I do and what else I could do, to make a difference.

The Jewish people and the citizens of Israel have a long road ahead of us – first to win this war against evil and get the hostages back, and secondly to recover from what we have seen and what we face on a daily basis. It won’t be easy but we can do it together.

My question to you is what will you do? Will you be like Talia and Assi and do the difficult thing to help? Will you stand by while the author of that piece and so many others suffer in silence? Will you shake your head in sadness at the murder of ​Yaron Lischinsky and Sarah Milgrim as they left a Jewish communal event or at the firebombing in Boulder during a peaceful march to have the hostages in Gaza returned or will you take action and do your part.

History is waiting to be written – the question is what will your role be. I hope that the writer of the piece in Danny Gordis’ “Israel from the Inside” inspires you to take action. I know it inspired me to do more.

Fire, loss, and gratitude

Posted on by Keith Dvorchik

The wildfires in California are devastating. People are losing their homes and their valuables. Some are losing their lives. I live in Florida, far from California. There is no threat of those fires expanding to my community, yet I truly understand what that loss feels like.

In 2013, my family and I were preparing to move from Gainesville, FL to Seattle, WA as I had been recruited and hired to be the new President and CEO of the Jewish Federation of Greater Seattle. It was a big move with lots of nerves, fear, and concern for all of us. We were literally moving completely across the country. My wife and kids had never not lived close to family and now we were moving nearly 3,000 miles away.

This was a big new job in a new community for me. Alison, my wife, had one friend who lived there and my kids knew nobody. It was exciting and scary at the same time. We packed up our house, the movers took our belongings away, and we moved into my in-laws house for a few days. I was leaving a few days before my family to get things set up, move into our rental home, pick up our dog at the airport and then get the family a few days later. Everything was set up for this big change in our lives.

As I prepared to head to the airport in a rental car (our cars had been shipped already), my phone rang. It was the moving company. They told me that there had been a fire in our moving truck and it was a complete loss. Everything we owned that was on that truck was lost. My face dropped. I didn’t know what to do. For a minute I thought I was being pranked, I hoped and prayed I was being pranked, but I wasn’t. I told Alison and she was stunned. How do you comprehend losing all your belongings like that. Your memories. Your photos as a child, with your grandparents, your children as babies, your ketubah (marriage certificate) and so much more.

I headed to the airport in shock, talking to Alison on the phone the entire time. I called Delta, told them what happened, and they changed my flight to a day later. I called my new board chair and shared the news with her. She was shocked. Using humor to deflect my feelings, I said to her, “Well, at least we don’t have to unpack.”

When I got back to my in-laws house, we spoke to the moving company again and they said we could come to the facility in Jacksonville where the truck was and salvage anything that we wanted. Still in shock, Alison and I drove to Jacksonville, depressed at what we were going to see.

When we arrived, they told us what happened. The truck hadn’t left the yard yet. There was an issue with the truck that needed to be fixed before they could send it to Seattle. The way to fix it involved using a blowtorch. Their standard operating procedure is to removed everything from the truck, then use the blowtorch to fix it, and then reload the truck. The person who was fixing it decided he didn’t want to do that and just tried to fix it with all our belonging still on the truck. Something caught fire, the truck went up in flames, they rushed to put it out, but the fire, smoke, and water ruined our belongings. Later, I reached out to a few attornies about a lawsuit since they didn’t follow their procedures and I learned that they are only liable for the loss. Not for anything else. I learned that sentimental things have no value other than replacement of them. Things that were handed down from my grandfathers would be worth pennies because they were old things that could easily replaced. A lesson learned.

We were both fuming as we walked to the area where the truck and our belongings were. You could smell the smoke well before we got there. The sight was devastating. Boxes were charred and wet. Furniture burned. We slowly approached the area, tears in our eyes, and began to go through the boxes.

Then something amazing happened. We opened a wet and charred box and found our ketubah in it, in perfect condition. We opened another wet and charred box and found our wedding album along with other picture albums from our childhoods. We found our children’s professional pictures when they were 4 and 2 perfectly safe. We looked around as our furniture, clothes, and everything that could be replaced with money was damaged and lost and realized that things that really mattered to us were not. The collage from our wedding reception was fine. My autographed sports memorabilia that I got personally, signed to me, was fine. The things my grandfather and Alison’s grandfather did special for us, were fine. My grandfather had the newspapers from the 4 days leading up to Nixon’s resignation and the day that FDR died. They mean the world to me because they connect me to him, long after he died. They were all fine. Our hearts warmed quickly and were filled with gratitude. Yes, we lost all our material possessions and would have to get everything new. Yet the things that truly mattered to us, the things that were irreplaceable, were saved.

This was my proof that God exists. There was no reason for these things to be saved. They weren’t in a part of the truck that wasn’t burned. Our ketubah and Alison’s bridal portrait were in boxes that were behind the couch that burned up. The things that mattered the most were mixed with everything that was a complete loss. There was no reason for them to be saved and in great condition other than God.

As we see what is happening in Calfornia with the fire and loss of homes, I think back to when we lost everything we owned. When people reached out, wanting to donate money to help us, we declined. Why did we decline? We had insurance on our items and they could be replaced. We thought we had enough insurance but eventually learned that replacing EVERYTHING you own is much more expensive than you think. We told people that most importantly, nobody was hurt. We still had a place to live and material things are not important compared to being healthy.

I feel for the people who have lost their homes and their possessions. I have been there with the possessions and was grateful it was just possessions and not my house. I was lucky that the things that couldn’t be replaced were saved. The people in California don’t have that luck. Houses and possessions can be replaced. It will be an inconvenience. It will be frustrating. It’s not something anybody would want to go through. For those who lost their lives, they can’t be replaced. For those who lost their material possessions, all that can, and will, be replaced.

After losing our material possessions in 2013, I found myself grateful. Grateful that we were safe and it was just things. Grateful we had insurance, which covered about 85% of the cost of replacing everything. I was incredibly grateful that the things that couldn’t be replaced were saved. It reminded me of my priorities. It reminded me that material things are just that – things. We may like them and enjoy them, but they are just things. There are many things far more important.

I hope that those going through this awful time of loss, of devastation, and in a time when they are in shock, the same way I was in shock after hearing the news, come to the same realization. Their homes will be rebuilt. They will buy new clothes and new furniture. They can buy new art for the walls, new rugs for the floors, new towels and sheets, and appliances. There are many things that are irreplaceable. Possessions are not among them.

I found great comfort in this realization. I hope those dealing with it in California find the same comfort. Having lost all my possessions in 2013, I know what is really important. I would gladly go through it all over again to ensure my health and the health of my loved ones. Possessions are temporary and unimportant. Our lives and the lives of our loved ones are what matters. Health and happiness. Let the pain those in California are going through be a lesson to us all about what really matters in life. I know it’s a reminder for me.

Me walking through the fire damage of our belongings
Inside the moving van where the fire occurred.

Reflecting and Reflections

Posted on by Keith Dvorchik

As we begin 2025, I have found myself much more reflective than normal. For me, the end of a year is usually more future focused than reflective. I tend to look at what the upcoming year may bring and the opportunities that lie ahead rather than looking back at what happened and can’t be changed. I am not sure what is different this year but it definitely is different.

The past four years have been filled with incredible challenges and learning experiences. From dealing with the challenges and stress of Covid, especially when I was running an organization with almost 150 employees depending on me, to health challenges that at one point indicated potential major surgery, life was challenging. 2022 is the year that my dad died, a truly transformative event in my life. We were very close and there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of him and miss him. I had a major career change and recently had another health scare that thankfully turned out to not be anything serious. I’ve had friends die and seeing people my age or slightly older die has shown me the reality that there is far more time behind me than ahead of me. My oldest son has begun his career and no longer lives close by. My youngest son is graduating college in May. As I prepare for 2025, it is clear that all these things have made me more reflective than ever before.

As we approach the start of 2025, I find myself thinking about what really matters to me. What is it that I really want? What is it that I really value? Who do I want in my life? How do I want to spend my time? Who do I want to invest my most precious commodity, my time, with? I recently found old picture albums and boxes with pictures in them. As I look back at my college pictures, it doesn’t seem that long ago, yet it also seems forever ago. My 40th High School reunion is in 2025 and as I look at those pictures, it feels like yesterday while also feeling like it was lived by a different person. Perhaps it’s that stage of life, approaching 60, my youngest graduating college, watching nieces and nephews get married and have children, that is causing this.

It is actually a wonderful place to be. Challenging for sure, but also wonderful.

What does matter to me? Over the past few years I have clarified things and been much more focused. Here is my list as we start 2025.

  • Health. Without health we have nothing. I remember hearing this from my grandparents as a child and not appreciating it. Over the past few years, I have had some health challenges and understand it. My father had health challenges and then died in 2022. I recently had a friend die of a heart attack while he slept. I’ve seen far too many people my age or close to my age struggle with health issues and many pass away. Health matters. That means taking care of myself in ways I never would have before. It means being grateful for every day I wake up and am not struggling with a health issue. It’s being grateful for the health of my family and my friends. At the end of the day, health matters the most because no matter what else I have, if I don’t have my health, I really have nothing.
  • Family. I grew up being taught about the importance of family. Not just immediate family, but family by blood and by choice. In my family, I have brothers and sisters, both by blood (one of each) and by choice (2 of each). I have cousins that I am close with that are not your typical first cousins. I have aunts and uncles that are defined that way by the dictionary and those that are defined that way by their actions. I recently was talking to my aunt and uncle (who technically would be cousins) and I said to them point blank, “You are my aunt and uncle. You always have been and always will be.”. Family matters. Family shows up. Family is so much more than just blood. I got a note from my ‘brother’ on New Year’s Eve that touched my heart deeply. He talked about how our friendship that began more than 35 years ago has changed his life. I told him it changed mine as well. He has been, and always will be, my brother. His mom was my mom. His aunt and uncle were my aunt and uncle. My parents were his parents. I’m known as ‘Uncle K’ to his kids. He is Uncle Aric to mine. You can replace most things in life but you can’t replace family.
  • Basic needs. I grew up in the 70s and 80s. Gordon Gecko and ‘Greed is Good’. Yuppies and the desire for material things. Madonna and ‘Material Girl’. More was always better. In my life today, more is not better. I find myself wanting less. I want to make sure I have clothes, shelter, and food. While I have a nice car, it’s not something that I ‘need’ and look forwad to when I get a different one and getting one that is a ‘step down’. I find that material things are not what drives me nor do I find myself ‘wanting’ many things. I’d rather get a call and a happy birthday wish than a gift. For Hanukkah this year, being together as a family and lighting candles together was so much more than any material gift. I am actively in the process of moving from ‘wanting less’ to ‘having less’, not because of economics but because things don’t mean much any longer. As I was cleaning out my garage last weekend, I came across some old photo albums. The memories in those pictures meant more to me than any material item. My focus is on my basic needs and the rest isn’t necessary. It no longer adds much value to my life.
  • Values. This may seem like a strange thing to list here but it is actually one of the most important to me. Who I am, what I stand for matters. The type of person that I am, matters to me. I don’t have to be right all the time. I don’t have to ‘win’ all the time. I appreciate those who help me and I want to do what I can to help others. Not because I will ‘get’ anything from it, other than feeling good because I am doing good. It helps me understand the Jewish value of “Tikkun Olam” in a different way. By being a better person, by having and living my values, by treating people with dignity and respect, by helping others without expectation of anything in return, I get so much. I recently had a friend who has been struggling to find full time employment. We would talk over texts as she shared her frustration with the job market. I kept my eyes open for her and found a variety of opportunities for her to consider. I was there to help and support her. Eventually, I found one that worked out for her – she got a job doing what she loves, in an environment that is positive, and that pays her a salary that she feels is appropriate for her skill level and talent. The fact that she is working for another friend of mine only makes it better, as they both win. What did I get out of it? Nothing material – just feeling good that I was able to help two friends. Values and integrity are everything. They mean far more to me than a paycheck or any material good. I feel good about who I am every day when I wake up and every night when I go to sleep. That is truly priceless.
  • Time. This has become more important as I have gotten older. We have no control over the time we have on this earth. My cousin, who was my age and like a brother to me, died unexpectedly in 1995. His brother, who I sort of adopted as my little brother, died in 2015. My father died in 2022. My fraternity big brother died in 2013. One of my close friends and I have begun to keep track of our fraternity brothers who have died young. When our time is up, our time is up. It’s what we do with our time that matters. For many years, building my career was a top priority. It meant sacrificing time with my family, with my children, with my parents, because of the demands required to be successful. Many people behave this way. I made the decision that I no longer want that. I don’t want my time defined by work. Just this past year, I went to watch my older son coach college football games three times. I took a crazy day trip to California with my younger son to see the Giants and A’s each play home games before taking the redeye home. I took Brightline with my younger son and his girlfriend to Miami to see the Marlins play and get our SpongeBob Squarepants Marlins jerseys. My wife and I went to Red Rocks to see Carlos Santana in concert. We go to the theater for Broadway shows, we travel to watch the UFC fights, spending money to get good seats and have a memorable experience. I spend a good amount of time in Israel in 2024 with trips in May, July, and September. I meet my mom in Lakeland, halfway between us, for lunch or dinner. Time is a commodity. How we choose to use it is up to us. I spent enough time devoted to my career. While I still spend plenty of time working and on my career, I value family and time spent in meaningful ways much more than extra money, a bigger professional role, or a big title. My priorities have shifted.
  • Friends. Throughout my career and my life, I have made a lot of friends. What I have learned is that many people who we call friends are merely acquaintences. They are people who are there in the good times, who are there when you can give them something, and are there when it benefits them. Real friends show up during the difficult times. Real friends show up when it is inconvenient for them but you need them. Real friends don’t care what others think. Over the past few years, I have had the opportunity to learn who my real friends are. I have seen people that I thought were friends simply not show up. Not reach out. I have seen people show up and show that they are real friends who I didn’t expect would show up. I do things differently now. I make sure to check in with my friends, not matter where they live. I do it not because of what they can do for me but because I value them in my life. A few months ago, I started having lunch with a group of guys on Friday. They are all 80+ so I bring the demographic down signficantly. I love these lunches. I enjoy the company, the conversation, the things I learn from them. While some of them I have known for years, others are new friends. I do my best not to miss those lunches because I value their company. I learn from them. I can honestly say that if any of them needed something, I would be there for them. I reach out to friends that I know are struggling with things in life, just to be a voice telling them that I’m here and I care. I have learned how important active friendship is and make sure to be an active friend.
  • Spirituality. While I would not call myself a very religious person, I am a very spiritual person. I pray and meditate every morning and have for over 30 years. I like learning with a Rabbi (I have two that I do it with) because it helps me connect with God in different ways and helps me be a better human being. I enjoy rituals like putting on tefillin, singing Acheinu every day until the hostages are released, lighting the menorah, eating apples and honey, and cooking for holiday meals as if 40 people are showing up even when it’s just 4-6. These are things than bring me joy. My connection to God brings me joy. My Jewish identity brings me joy. These things actually make my life both simpler and fuller. I have found that nothing in life happens by accident. There is a divine force behind it all – I may not see or appreciate it for a while, but it is there. I am who I am today because of my life experiences. The ones that I loved and the ones that I would not have chosen. I know that God always takes care of me in the long run, even if the short run is uncomfortable and not what I would have chosen on my own. It is why I say thank you every morning for whatever the day may bring me. If it was up to me, I would always choose the easier option. This would inhibit my growth as a human being. This would limit me. Instead, I get the gift of opportunity to grow and experience life. I’ll take that every time. I love my spirituality and spiritual connection. It brings me great joy and meaning. It is a path I encourage everybody to follow, wherever it may take them. Each of our paths are different and I hope you follow yours. I’m going to keep following mine.
One of my favorite books by my spiritual advisor for the past 27 years

Speaking of friends, one of mine recently turned 24 (as you can tell, I have friends in their 20s and in their 80s, I’m an equal opportunity friend when it comes to age). For her 24th birthday, she listed 24 life lessons she has learned. It is an impressive list and one I look at very differently now than I would have at 24. It’s amazing how life experiences change the way we see the same exact things. Here is her list:

 1.⁠ ⁠Life means nothing without the people you love around you
 2.⁠ ⁠Chase your dreams everyday – life is not to be lived waiting around
 3.⁠ ⁠Purpose mixed with passion will take you places in life
 4.⁠ ⁠It’s okay to f*** up – we all do – that’s how you learn
 5.⁠ ⁠Not everything is for everyone, and that’s okay
 6.⁠ ⁠Workout before making a big or impulsive decision – you will always have a different perspective after
 7.⁠ ⁠If you don’t ask, you’ll never get
 8.⁠ ⁠Be comfortable being uncomfortable – that’s where growth happens
 9.⁠ ⁠Everyone has their own way of doing things, there is no 1 way to do it, find your way to make it work
10.⁠ ⁠Learn something from everyone you speak too – advice is not always meant to tell you what to do, sometimes it’s to show you what not to do
11.⁠ ⁠Two things can be true at the same time….
12.⁠ ⁠Happiness comes from doing things that you joy
13.⁠ ⁠Dare to be wrong in life, it’s always a lesson and a good story
14.⁠ ⁠If something won’t matter in 5 hours, 5 days or even 5 years – everything will be alright
15.⁠ ⁠You create memories everyday, make them memories with people you love
16.⁠ ⁠Being comfortable with yourself is the biggest gift you can give yourself
17.⁠ ⁠Ask questions always – don’t be afraid to feel stupid
18.⁠ ⁠People want to be around people doing good things for this world and making a difference
19.⁠ ⁠Life is not about you – it’s about the people you touch
20.⁠ ⁠You never know how something may affect someone else, good or bad
21.⁠ ⁠Do the difficult thing. Say the hard thing… whats the worst that can happen?
22.⁠ ⁠You don’t owe anyone your time or energy – it’s precious, hold on to it tight
23.⁠ ⁠Growth is a process – be patient with yourself – it doesn’t happen over night
24.⁠ ⁠Appreciate the moment because you will look back at the ‘good ole times’ and miss being here

As we move into 2025, I encourage you to take a look at your life. Ask yourself what really matters to you. Then act on what matters to you. Society tells us all sorts of things are ‘supposed’ to matter. The reality is that the only things that matter are those you decide are important to you. Take ownership and take action. Nobody is responsible for your life and your choices other than you.

Pink inspires – a true Jewish message in her show

Posted on by Keith Dvorchik

Last night I went to see the Jewish musical star Pink in concert. I bought tickets a long time ago and heard that she was a tremendous performer. I like her music, although I’m far from a rabid fan. With Sheryl Crow opening, I was excited for the show.

Sheryl Crow was awesome. She brought me back in time with her classic songs and while the show was in a stadium, I wish she was in a smokey crowded bar where you could really feel and appreciate her music. I enjoyed her performance as it brought me back to simpler times.

Then it was time for the main event. Pink was electric from the very beginning. Her energy and joy filled the stadium with positivity. Since October 7th, over a year ago, I’ve had a hard time truly letting go and embracing joy. Last night, Pink unlocked that for me. What a performer. She exuded happiness. Love flew from every song and every time she talked to us. Her very first song set the tone – watch and listen as she bounces with joy and flies effortlessly.

Her flying early in the show was beautiful. The music was great and she added elegance and beauty. The past 12 plus months have been filled with so much ugliness. October 7th and those images never leave me. I’m glad that I saw the Hamas 47 minute video but it altered who I am. I am glad that I have been to the Nova site twice, heard from survivors, and those involved with rescuing people that day, but the horror is now a part of me. I’m glad that I went to Kfar Aza twice, heard the stories from the IDF and from somebody who was there that day and recently returned to their home. I’m glad that I saw what the Hamas terrorists did but those images are burned into my soul. Last night, as she performed, it was the first time since October 7th that the only thing in my mind, heart, and soul was beauty and love.

Her cover of Pat Benatar’s “Heartbreaker” got us up, singing and dancing. I was transformed to the early 80s and my high school days. To simpler times. A time when hate didn’t dominate the world. When we didn’t see daily antisemitism and Jew hatred. Violence against Jews wasn’t happening on the streets of Amsterdam, Paris, New York, Chicago, and so many other places. I thought of my diverse group of friends from that time – we didn’t think about identity politics or our differences – we focused on the people we liked. So many of them are still friends today. Jewish, Christian, Mormon, Black, White, Gay, and Straight. We played sports together, went to parties together, hung out on the streets together, went to concerts together, and got in trouble together. I miss the simpleness of those times. The moral clarity that existed for us in high school and then college. Enjoy the song and performance, I sure did.

I wish that I recorded Pink as she talked to, and about, her mother and their relationship. Her mom was in the front row and it was a classic Jewish mother moment. We all laughed but I think those of us who have Jewish mothers laughed a little deeper as she talked about her mom telling her what to do and then watching her mom actually do it from the audience and Pink listening to her and then begging her to stop. When she talked about her late father, it hit home deeply for me. It brought me right back to my dad and the relationship we had. It made me sad and joyous at the same time. While I don’t know her, never met her, and have no personal relationship, I know we bonded over the loss of our fathers. Then she brought her daughter on stage to sing part of a song with her. What a highlight. I enjoyed watching Pink’s face more than anything else as she listened and watched her daughter Willow sing. As a father, there is nothing better than seeing my children succeed. Their joy and success is so much better and more powerful than my own. I could see that on Pink’s face and it reinforced my committment to do whatever I can to make this world a better place for my children and eventual grandchildren. There is no excuse for us to sit back and not do the work. Not put in the effort. We are not responsible for the outcome but we are each responsible for doing the work. That’s a summary from Pirkei Avot, the Ethics of our Fathers. It shows that anybody can learn and even teach a little Torah.

The show ended with an incredible encore where Pink literally flies across the stadium. The freedom in the song and as she flies is so clear. It’s a reminder that we control how we feel. We control whether we want to be tied down, locked up, bitter and angry, or if we want to be free, flying through the air, looking for the beauty and enjoying what the world offers. It takes effort to do it, but the power to live meaningful and beautiful lives is entirely in our own hands. The question is are you willing to do the work? Watch Pink fly and sing – see and feel the freedom. As the movie version of Wicked is about to be released, watch Pink defy gravity. Sorry I lose her for a bit but you get to see the audience during that time and feel the energy.

Pink inspired me last night It shows that you don’t have to truly be a torah scholar to inspire people with Torah values. It also shows how learning some Torah can help you see Jewish wisdom in every day life.

My friend Yocheved Ruttenberg is another real example of this. Founder of the Sword of Iron Facebook group with 40,000 members all interested in volunteering in Israel, her story as a 23 year old changing the world is inspiring. She recently won the Z3 Bridge Builder award. Her speech highlights her story and what she has done and what she is doing. It is inspiring.

The joy Yocheved brings to the 40,000 members of Sword of Iron is incredible. I read the posts of people volunteering in Israel and sharing their pictures doing it. I read about all the amazing volunteer opportunities and am astounded and inspired. It makes me wish I was independently wealthy and could just go and volunteer full time in Israel. From picking fruits and vegetables to helping rebuild in the south. Preparing BBQs for IDF soldiers to making tzizit for them. Helping those in need in every aspect of society. All done with gratitude. All done with grace. All done from the heart. All for our Jewish brothers and sisters who are fighting for the survival of the Jewish people. If you really want to experience the joy of Yocheved and her work, watch this Shabbat Shalom video. I can’t get enough of it. I dare you to only watch it once. It’s infectious.

There are so many ways to change the world and the world needs changing. You can do it through music. You can do it with volunteering. You can do it by helping others. A friend of mine who made aliyah years ago reached out today. He and his family will be in the United States to get away for a much needed respite in December. They will be in Florida for part of their trip and like my family, love sports and wanted to go to the Orlando Magic game for Jewish Heritage Night. They were having trouble getting tickets and asked for my help. Quickly, I was able to secure tickets for him in the block at an affordable price. I then reached out to a friend to see if they can help with some VIP experiences for their children. After the year that they have experienced, the least I can do is try to help them have some peace and joy. Just like Pink gave me last night, I can help them have a few moments of joy where they aren’t worried about sirens, they aren’t worried about rockets, they aren’t worried about friends in the IDF and if they are alive or not. They can be kids, enjoying a basketball game and maybe getting some special access. It didn’t take much for me to help. A little research. A few text messages. It did take effort but not much. Often times we don’t realize how easy it can be to make a difference in the lives of others. How we can give a little bit of life and levity to those in need.

I work with Dror Israel, and amazing organization that helps children with schools, youth groups, and summer camps. Their ZIONIST youth movement is in all the Druze villages and in 55 Arab villages with more than 20,000 Arabs involved. They do amazing work. In this same context, they are creating restorative trips for children and families to get away from areas with sirens, to go to Mitzpe Ramon (Israel’s version of the Grand Canyon). This short video highlights what they do and what the effect and impact is. They are changing the lives of these children and families and changing the world.

We have the ability to change the world with our own actions. Pink gave me a few hours of pure joy like I haven’t had since October 7th. Here is the question I pose to you. What are you going to do to find your joy. To find your stress relief? And what are you going to do to help others who are in need and can’t do it themselves? We all have that responsibility. It is Kol Yisrael Arevim zeh Bazeh (All of Israel is responsible for each other). Jewish or not, we can be inspired by this lesson. Each of us can change the world, one person at a time, one action at a time.

Let’s all choose to be like Pink, who electrified and inspired 75,000 people last night. Who sent a message of love, inclusion, support, family, and values. The movie The Waterboy puts it best. You can do it!

Love, Kindness, Goodness and Friendship – An Inspiration

Posted on by Keith Dvorchik

This has been a challenging week for many people. For some it’s the results of the election. For others it is the pogrom in Amsterdam and watching Jew hatred go to another level. Today is the 400th day of the hostages being in captivity. Two Jewish students were assaulted at Chicago’s DePaul University for the crime of being Jewish. In the past months, Jewish students have been attacked at The University of Michigan and The University of Pittsburgh for being Jewish. Rockets continue to be fired every single day by Hezbollah from Lebanon into Israel.

We live in arguably the most divided time in the United States since the Civil War. The world may not be this divided since World War II. It is easy to feel sad and depressed. It is easy to lose hope and think the world is ending. Concern over the next few weeks, months, and years is a common refrain heard regularly.

And yet there are examples of hope all around us. There are examples that show when we decide to be the answer, the solution; when we decide that we are no longer going to wait for others to solve the problem and challengs of the world, that we create change.

We are a college football family. For years, our Shabbat has involved being together as a family, either watching college football on TV or in person. When our older son was playing High School football, Shabbat dinner was at the football field. When he was coaching High School football, we spent Friday nights watching him coach and as he coaches college football, we are watching on TV or in person once again. This morning, as I was watching ESPN Gameday, a beautiful and inspiring story was shown.

Malachi Moore, a star player for Alabama, befriend a young girl, Henrietta Murray, who had a terminal illness. Their relationship and his relationship with her family, is a beautiful thing to see. Once again, it shows the power one person has to change the world. Malachi changed not only Henrietta’s life but the lives of her parents and his own life. Listening to him talk about what his friendship with Henrietta not only meant to him but how it changed his outlook on life is powerful. We all have th ability to be like Malachi. We all have the power to change lives with our actions. Watch, listen, and feel the love.

Watch Malachi and Henrietta’s story

Then there is the story of Melhem Asad. A Druze fan of Maccabi Tel Aviv football/soccer, Melhaem was at the game in Amsterdam. As he watched the attacks begin against Israelis by criminal antisemites with law enforcement not helping, he thought quickly on his feet. As an Arab speaker, he ran to groups of Israeli fans, speaking loudly in Arabic to them, creating the impression that everyone in his group was Arab rather than Jewish. By doing this, he successfully misled the attackers, who left these groups alone as they searched for Jews to attack. He didn’t just do this once or two. He spent several hours using this strategy to shield Jewish Maccabi fans who were under attack in restaurants and bars, unable to safely reach their hotels. When people call Israel an apartheid state, when people say that Jews, Arabs, and Druze can never get along and never exist together, this is more proof that these are lies.

Thank you Melhem for showing that humanity isn’t about being Jewish, Druze, or Arab. It’s about being a good person, caring about your fellow human beings, and combatting hate. You are an example to everybody of what the future can look like when we choose to take action ourselves. When we don’t wait for somebody else to do something. When we don’t tolerate the status quo and do what we can to make the world a better place.

Melhem Asad, who’s quick thinking and speaking Arabic saved many from being beaten.

Kirk Herbstreit is the cornerstone of ESPN Gameday. He is well known, popular, and one of the people fans want to hear from. Recently, the focus has been on the relationship with him and his dog Ben. Ben became a travel companion for Herbstreit, with him on the road, on the field, and on the set. In many ways, he became America’s dog. Recently he got very ill and in the past week he died. His loss was felt not just by Kirk but by fans and dog lovers all over the world. ESPN chose to show a tribute to Ben today. It was beautiful and powerful. It shows the power of love. I have always felt that dogs are pure love in a living being. We lost our beautiful chocolate lab, Bella, earlier this year. I miss her every day, and ask Kirk publicly mourned the loss of Ben, I could relate and understand the loss.

Our sweet girl Bella, enjoying the back yard, the sun, the grass, and being with me.

We can have this type of unconditional love with a dog. Why can’t we have this type of love for our fellow human beings? Before the election and after the election, the vitriol expressed against those supporting a different candidate was horrific. You might be branded a racist, a bigot, a Jew hater, an antisemite, an islamaphobe, transphobic, anti-LGBTQ, anti-woman, anti-American, and many other terms. It’s ok to to support different candidates for many reasons. Understanding why people make the choices they make gives us a chance to build bridges, work together towards the type of society we want to live in. Most people don’t support every position that the candidate they supported stood for. Yet we simplify people and live in hatred and disgust rather than love and understanding.

Dogs aren’t like that. They love you no matter what. It is as if they understand that people are fallible and love is what helps us deal with our imperfections. Dogs really are perfect love. I miss having Bella climb in my lap to cuddle no matter what was going on. I miss her giving me kisses and laying down at my feet to be close to me. I miss taking her out to the backyard to walk and lay in the grass, appreciating the beauty of nature, the warmth of the sun, the smell of fresh air.

It’s pure love. Watch the tribute to Ben and let Ben inspire all of us to treat people better.

Speaking of Kirk Herbstreit, every week when I watch him on ESPN Gameday with Lee Corso, their interaction is one of the sweetest things in today’s world. It’s clear that they have a father-son relationship. As Corso has gotten older, Herbstreit openly provides him with more help and more support. It is a beautiful thing to watch.

Today, it was the opposite. As the tribute to Kirk’s dog, Ben, began, he was visibly crying and emotional. You could feel his pain and loss. And who was there to support him? Lee Corso of course. It was a public display of love and support. No worries about what it looked like or what anybody though. It was two close friends being together, even with millions of people watching.

We can use the example of the relationship between these two men as a teaching lesson for each of us. Every day we have an opportunity to be there for somebody else. Every day we have a chance to build these special relationships. I am lucky. Along with my brother and sister, I have two people that I consider brothers and two people I consider sisters. That’s how close we are. While biologically I have two siblings, in reality I have six. I choose to invest in relationships with people. The quality of friends is so much more important than the quantity. Many years ago, an older friend of mine (he was my age now back then) used to say, “I don’t need more friends at my age.” I heard him but didn’t really understand at that time. Now I do.

The example of Corso and Herbstreit shows us what we can do for other people if we want. It shows how we change the world, one person, one relationship at a time. It takes so little to improve the day and the life of another person. It also can take so little to suck the energy out of somebody’s day, making their life more challenging. The question is which type of person do you want to be. Do you want to be somebody who spends every day working to make the world a little bit better or do you want to live in negativity and make the world a little bit worse every day?

I choose to change the world every day with kindness.

Whine and Dine

Posted on by Keith Dvorchik

Every so often I read something that I think needs to be shared. In these crazy times, I wanted to share this piece by Norman Leonard. He has a substack where he writes weekly about funny/ironic things.

This is a story he wrote for his kids a long time ago. It’s in the style of Shel Silverstein, and he got a little playful with it, sketching out some moments.  Besides being a great read, it reminds up that no matter what, we should be grateful. Like the prayer, “Thank you for letting the rooster know the difference between day and night” reminds us, we can be grateful for every day we have.

It’s the kind of story I would have read to my kids when they were young because it’s funny, a bit scary, and teaches a lesson. It’s kind of like the classic book, Go the F*** to Sleep, read by Samuel L. Jackson that had my wife and I laughing out loud (I don’t think we actually ever read it or played it for our kids until they were MUCH older). If you haven’t heard it and are not offended by the vulgarity, it’s a true classic.

Here is the piece by Norman Leonard.

In my travels, I’ve been many places,

Done many things, seen many faces. 

There was one town I visited, not too long ago—

I thought it was normal. Turns out, it only seemed so. 

It looked like a lot of other towns I knew

With lots of boys and girls, many just like you. 

But this town had a secret and, no, not the fun clubhouse kind.

This secret was a whopper—scared one third-grader right out of his mind. 

The town had a monster who lived here and there,

A monster who could be lurking anytime, anywhere.

He hunted small children, specifically ones who would whine,

And he boiled them in his pot, often with garlic and brine.  

The whining, it had been hypothesized…

Well… it made the kids tasty, made them tenderized. 

One summer night, a first-grader began to whine and to pout,

When the monster heard, he prepped a stew with worms and sauerkraut.

As the first grader’s whining hit an all-time high,

The monster added to his stew some six-year-old thigh.

Later that week, another kid was devoured. 

It wasn’t too long after her attitude had soured.

And that wasn’t the last kid. Not a chance. Nope, nope, nope! 

The monster picked off more who would whine, gripe and mope. 

The town parents loved their children and didn’t want them eaten. 

Not by monster, not by ghost, not by fiend, freak, or cretin.

So they hired a wise woman, an old mother of the earth,

Smiling and warm, an ancient matriarch of mirth. 

And it didn’t take her long to identify the trend

That was bringing the children to a gastronomic end.

She observed the complaining and noted the whiny appeals

That turned kids into ingredients for the monster’s savory meals. 

And so the wise woman made a groundbreaking suggestion

To keep kids from being part of the monster’s digestion. 

She proposed that every whiny, belly-aching attitude

Be replaced by super-duper enthusiastic gratitude. 

Be thankful for parents, friends and siblings, too. 

Be thankful for a silly joke on days you feel blue.

 Be grateful for medicine and vegetables, all those things that make you say “yuck.”

Be grateful for every time you were stumped, bested, or stuck.  

Be grateful for what you have, grateful for what you don’t. 

If you are, you won’t get eaten. It’s true! You really won’t. 

Well, the kids took her advice and the whining stopped turkey-cold. 

The kids practiced gratitude, practiced just like they were told. 

They were thankful everyday, appreciative every night, 

And soon enough that hungry monster lost its appetite.

The monster in that town was never seen again.

And the kids cried, “Hallelujah, baby! Amen, amen, amen!” 

Now, you might be grateful, too, that this monster was run out,

But don’t think you’re safe to whine—it still might be about. 

No, not in that town—perhaps in yours—monsters are known to stray. 

So swap that whining for gratitude and keep that monster appetite away. 

If you enjoyed this and want to subscribe to his substack, you can sign up for the free or paid version here

Try it, you’ll like it!

Posted on by Keith Dvorchik

I went to minyan this morning.  For those that know me or follow me, you know that I am not religious and rarely go to synagogue.  The Rabbi that I learn with has begun a monthly Sunday morning minyan and I have committed to going to support him.  I bring my tallis and tefillin (the prayer shawl and the black boxes that go on your arm and your head) and one of my many prayerbooks that I rarely use to join the group.  Somehow, the group is always a group of friends so it’s a bonus to see them too.

I have found that I really enjoy going.  It’s not because I have become religious, it is because the service is done in an intentional and meaningful way.  As we go through the prayers, what we are actually praying for and about is explained very briefly.  “This section is where we ask God to help the world in difficult times.”   Simple.  Clear.  It provides context to what we are saying and why we are saying it.  It’s a tour through the prayerbook.

It reminds me of the playbill at the theater where they tell you what each scene is going to be.  When I learn with my Rabbi friend, we start by exploring the Siddur.  When we started doing this, I wasn’t very excited.  Services haven’t been meaningful to me in a very long time and exploring the Siddur wasn’t on my list of things to do.  I decided to be open to it and as we discuss a prayer and I understand what it is and why we say it, it has become interesting.  It reminds me of what my friend Roie, an IDF soldier at the time, said after Shabbat services.  The conversation went as follows:

Roie:  So you know how to read the Hebrew words?  

Us:  Yes.

Roie:  And you know the tune to sing it?

Us:  Yes.

Roie:  But you have no idea what you are saying?

Us:  That’s correct

Roie:  I don’t understand!

This was repeated over and over again.  He couldn’t understand how we could know the words and the tune but not what we were saying or why we were saying it.  He understood that just knowing the words and the tune wasn’t enough.  It wasn’t meaningful.  We were missing out on the entire purpose of what we were doing.  How could Judaism be meaningful if we didn’t know what we were actually doing or why we were doing it.

I turn 57 this year and these minyanim are the first time that the parts of the service were actually explained.  As the different sections were explained, it began to make sense.  There was actual intention in each part.  There was a purpose to what we were saying.

One of the things that really struck me today was his explanation of the Modim Anachnu Lach prayer.  It was so simple and so basic.  He said, “Nobody can say thank you to God for you except you.  You have to thank God yourself.  That’s what this prayer is for.”

Wow.  Three short sentences and the prayer that I have said at services most of my life suddenly had real meaning.  What I have found is that Judaism has great meaning.  We simply don’t provide that type of content to our children and as a result, when they are adults, they aren’t interested.  When we show the meaning, people get engaged and excited. 

There was recently a great poem written by Lizzy Savetsky titled, “The Six Pointed Star”.  It talks about who we are and points out that the hatred of today provides us with a reminder of who we are and that perhaps, we need to get back to basics and remember we are Jews and what being a Jew means.  I hope you enjoy her reciting it as much as I did.

The Six Pointed Star

There is something special about being Jewish.  I am not saying that Jews are better than anybody else.  It’s a more than 3,500-year-old peoplehood.  My friend Avraham Infeld had many sayings that I love.  One was when he would say, “Judaism in NOT a religion.  We are a mishpacha (family) that shares a common religion.” 

Those words struck me not only the first time I heard them but every time after.  They resonated with me.  Being Jewish is about being part of a family.  It’s about being part of something bigger than yourself.  It’s why going to minyan this morning felt good.  I was with family.  We were spending our morning together.  We greeted each other with hugs.  We spent time after the minyan talking about our lives. 

It is why Jewish holidays are a big deal.  We get together for a Passover Seder, to light the Hanukkah menorah, to eat in the sukkah or to dress up and eat hamantaschen.  Every holiday is about being together.  This year, I spent Yom HaZikaron (Israel’s Memorial Day) and Yom Ha’atzmaut (Israel’s Independence Day) in Israel.  After October 7th and in the middle of a war, it was more important to be together.  It meant more to Israelis that we were there than ever before.  Their brothers and sisters from across the Atlantic came to support them.  Their brothers and sisters came to show support and love. 

Part of the reason Judaism and Jews are still here, more than 3,500 years later, is because we are more than a religion. Rabbi Harold Kushner z”l, in his book, To Life, asks the question, “What do you have to believe in order to be Jewish?” It is a great question. The answer is very simple. NOTHING! You don’t have to believe anything. You are born Jewish. If you convert, the minute you convert, you are now Jewish forever. Don’t believe in God? You are still Jewish. Don’t believe in keeping Kosher? Still Jewish. Don’t want to pray 3 times a day? Still Jewish. Don’t wear a kippah or follow the laws of Jewish purity? Still Jewish. Another of my favorite Avraham Infeld quotes is when he talks about people who convert to Judaism. He says there is no such thing a convert. The minute you convert, you are a Jew. Period. But, he says, there is a term ‘converted Jew’. This is somebody who is Jewish who converts to another religion. He says, “They only think they are the other religion. They are still a Jew.” We are more than a religion. We are more than a people. We are a mishpacha (family). So why not get to know your family a little better? Why not learn about your family? The more you learn, the more you will love your familiy and the more you will be happy and feel lucky to be a part of this family. As the famous Life Cereal commercial said, “Try it, you’ll like it”.

Father’s Day – thank you Barry Dvorchik z”l

Posted on by Keith Dvorchik

A friend of mine’s father was dying. He is in the music industry and shared this song with me. My father died on September 6, 2022. The haunting voice and lyrics speak powerfully to me. It describes my relationship with my father. I had three weeks with him at the end where I got to spend hours daily together. Some days we had deep conversations. Some days he wasn’t doing well and I sat with him. I was there through procedures we thought would get him better. And I was there at the end when my mom and I went to his hospital room just after he died.

Those last three weeks we were not father and son. Like the lyrics say, we were two men saying goodbye. I think he knew that’s what we were doing. Deep down, maybe I did as well. I remember getting him food delivered the first time he could eat non-hospital food. Ordering Philly cheesesteaks shipped from the famous Pat’s and then reheated for him. Taking walks around the floor of the hospital. He knew my mistakes and I knew some of his. We had long got past those things.

So every day, I strive to make him proud. Every day I hold my actions against what he would think of them. Every day, I judge myself by the standards he set for me. Every day I am a better human being because of him. So on this father’s day, I say thank you Dad. For being yourself. For teaching me how to be a good human being. For having values and ethics. For ensuring I have something to stand for. For being an example of how to be a father to my children and one day, a grandfather to my grandchildren. To be a husband, a leader, and a Jew.

Happy father’s day Dad. You may not be here physically, but you will always be here with me.

My dad and me at Evan’s bar mitzvah. Filled with joy. A treasured moment.

Lyrics

Oh, before they turn off all the lights
I won’t read you your wrongs or your rights
The time has gone
I’ll tell you goodnight, close the door
Tell you I love you once more
The time has gone
So here it is

I’m not your son, you’re not my father
We’re just two grown men saying goodbye
No need to forgive, no need to forget
I know your mistakes and you know mine
And while you’re sleeping I’ll try to make you proud
So, daddy, won’t you just close your eyes?
Don’t be afraid, it’s my turn
To chase the monsters away

Oh, well, I’ll read a story to you
Only difference is this one is true
The time has gone
I folded your clothes on the chair
I hope you sleep well, don’t be scared
The time has gone
So here it is

I’m not your son, you’re not my father
We’re just two grown men saying goodbye
No need to forgive, no need to forget
I know your mistakes and you know mine
And while you’re sleeping I’ll try to make you proud
So, daddy, won’t you just close your eyes?
Don’t be afraid, it’s my turn
To chase the monsters away

Sleep a lifetime
Yes, and breathe a last word
You can feel my hand on your own
I will be the last one
So I’ll leave a light on
Let there be no darkness, in your heart

But I’m not your son, you’re not my father
We’re just two grown men saying goodbye
No need to forgive, no need to forget
I know your mistakes and you know mine
And while you’re sleeping I’ll try to make you proud
So, daddy, won’t you just close your eyes?
Don’t be afraid, it’s my turn
To chase the monsters away

The last picture I took of my dad, just before we left the night he died. The love and peace in his face brings tears to my eyes and always will. Such a sweet and generous man.

The butterfly effect – every choice knowingly or unknowingly made me who I am

Posted on by Keith Dvorchik

In the early to mid 1990s, Hootie and the Blowfish hit the scene with some great music.  The lead singer was of course Hootie.  Except he wasn’t.  His name is Darius Rucker but even today, people still refer to him as Hootie.  Until he transitioned from rock/pop to country music.  It seemed to be a strange transition and as a fan of Hootie and the Blowfish’s music, I wondered if I would enjoy the new Country Music of Darius Rucker.  I didn’t expect that I would.  And I was wrong – I love it!  He takes the best of his music style and adds the country music twist to it to create a new sound that also has the deep lyrics and messages of country music.  This week, I decided to analyze the lyrics from his 2010 hit, This. 

The song begins:

Got a baby girl sleepin’ in my bedroom
And her momma laughing in my arms
There’s a sound of rain on the rooftop
And the game’s about to start
I don’t really know how I got here
But I’m so glad that I did
And it’s crazy to think that one little thing
Could have changed all of this.

I love that the song begins with such a normal setup.  A child asleep in the bedroom.  Her mother laughing in his arms.  It’s raining outside and he can hear the patter of rain hitting the roof.  So many of us have been in that exact situation in our lives many times.  I can’t think of the number of times I was sitting on the couch, the kids asleep in their rooms, my wife in arm on the couch, as it was raining outside, and we listened to the rain hitting the roof.  The only thing missing in the song, ironically for a country music song, is the dog laying on the floor by my feet!  The normalcy of the situation is comforting.  The game is about to start.  Such a beautiful image in the first 4 lines. 

I am sure most of us can related to the next line.  I don’t really know how I got here.  When I look back at my life, it’s hard to believe how much time has passed, where I am in my life, and how I got here.  It doesn’t seem that long ago that I was in middle and high school.  The big party I had at my house in Harrisburg that we still talk about seems recent, not 40 years ago.  How can anything in my life be 40 years ago?  Married for nearly 26 years?  Two kids in their 20s, one a college grad finishing his master’s degree while the other is about to start his senior year of college.  Friends from 30 and 40 and even 50 years ago that are grandparents now.  I remember being in high school and listening to the Talking Heads song Once in a Lifetime and singing out loud the famous line, “And you may ask yourself, “Well, how did I get here?” Now I find myself truly asking, “How did I get here?”

I love the last 3 lines.  First, I am so glad that I am where I am.  Truly grateful.  When I look back upon my life, there were many decision points that led me to this place at this time.  And in a vacuum, I might go back and change a number of them because in hindsight, by themselves, they may not seem like the best choice.  I look back and wish that I had spent a semester studying in Israel during college.  I wish that I had done a gap year after college in Israel and perhaps served in the IDF as a 21 year.  I made career decisions throughout my life that when I look back, I wonder what it may have been like had I chosen differently.  But in the end, I am grateful I am here and had I not made every one of the choices that I did, I wouldn’t be right where I am today.  Had I spent a semester abroad in college, maybe I would have done the gap year and served in the IDF.  Maybe I would have made Aliyah after that.  I’d have missed time with my grandparents and parents.  I’d never have met my wife or had the children that I have.  So yes, it would be meaningful to have had that experience, but I wouldn’t trade having that experience for the life I have today.  And that’s the reality of the end of the verse. It is crazy to think that one little thing could have changed everything.  Studying abroad for a semester in 1987 or 1988 may have led to me making Aliyah, having a completely different life, wife, and children.  Choosing to stay in accounting rather than go back to get my Master’s Degree in counseling would have led to a different career, not moving to Florida when I did, and another totally different life.  We make so many decisions every single day and never realize just how important and impactful each one is to the life we end up living.  And I love the life I have today and am grateful for every decision that has led me here, even when the results ended up not being what I wanted at that time, because the results ended up getting me here, where I am grateful to be. That is the butterfly effect – the idea that small things can have non-linear impacts on a complex system. The concept is imagined with a butterfly flapping its wings and causing a typhoon.

Maybe it didn’t turn out like I planned
Maybe that’s why I’m such, such a lucky man

For every stoplight I didn’t make
Every chance I did or I didn’t take
All the nights I went too far
All the girls that broke my heart
All the doors that I had to close
All the things I knew but I didn’t know
Thank God for all I missed
‘Cause it led me here to this

There is no question that it didn’t turn out like I planned. And no question that it is why I am such a lucky man.  I have learned over the years that my view of things tends to be very short term.  I can never really see the long-term impact of regular decisions until much later when life plays out.  Seemingly insignificant choices end up with huge, often life altering, results.

When I was in Seattle, we came back to Florida to visit my parents in Tampa.  As it happens, one of my dear friends, Sandy, was in the hospital in Tampa because she was having problems they couldn’t figure out.  Her husband Ron, one of my best friends in the world, let me know where they were, so I went to see them.  During my visit to their room, the doctor came in with a devastating diagnosis.  Glioblastoma.  6 months to live was the normal expectation.  As we all stood there in shock as this vibrant, healthy woman received terrible information, I was able to be the one there for both Ron and Sandy to help them process this shocking information.  I had moved across the country to Seattle.  I just happened to be visiting Tampa when she went to the hospital, in Tampa (they lived in Winter Haven).  And I happened to be visiting at the exact time when they got the diagnosis.  What are the odds?  Nearly 5 years later, as Sandy way outlived expectations, I called to say my goodbyes.  She couldn’t speak to me but could hear me as I talked to her.  About 30 minutes later, she died.  Again, what are the odds?  If I had done an errand before calling, I would have been too late.  As the song states in this verse, “For every stoplight I didn’t make, every chance I did or I didn’t take, all the nights I went too far, all the girls that broke my heart, all the doors that I had to close, all the things I knew but I didn’t know.”  Every single choice we make in life takes us on the path we are supposed to be on and makes us who we are today. 

Ron and Sandy – love them both and the role I got to play in their lives

My senior year of college, my girlfriend and I were very serious.  We went looking at engagement rings together, found one she loved, and I almost bought it.  She wanted me to buy it.  The jewelry store owner wanted me to buy.  I even wanted to buy it.  And the owner of the store made it financially possible for me to buy it.  But for some reason I didn’t.  About two months later we ended up breaking up and my life went on a different path.  How different would my life be today if I had bought that ring?  Would we have gotten married?  Had kids?  I believe we would have ended up being divorced.  Would I ever have moved to Florida?  Certainly not in 1992 like I did.  My career path would have been different.  Everything about my life would have been different with that one different choice. 

So, like the song says, Thank God for all I missed, ‘cause it led me here to this.

For many, many years I have believed the life is a tapestry and we only see the back end as we move along.  We see the flaws.  We see the strings and the extra yard or wool or silk.  It isn’t until we reach the right point that it is turned over and we see the beauty that we have created by living through what we saw as the mess.  Darius Rucker hits it right on the head with this song – everything we have today is because of every single small decision point along the path of life.  There is no need to regret any of these decisions because we wouldn’t be who we are, we wouldn’t be where we are, without every single one of them.

This is the back of the tapestry and what we see most of the time. It isn’t until it’s flipped over that we see the real design and beauty. God knows what it really looks like all the time while we see the mess. Trust in God because he knows the real beauty all the time.

Like the girl that I loved in high school
Who said she could do better
Or the college I wanted to go to
Till I got that letter
All the fights and the tears and the heartache
I thought I’d never get through
And the moment I almost gave up
All led me here to you
I didn’t understand it way back when
But sittin’ here right now
It all makes perfect sense

This verse gives us more examples.  It’s as if he knows that we will struggle with accepting that every single choice along the way is what got us here.  And that by changing any single one of them, we won’t be who we are, where we are, today.  In high school, I fell in love with Duke University.  I had my heart set on going there.  I applied early decision and wore my sweatshirt that my mom and I bought on our campus visit every week at a minimum.  I was 100 percent sure that I was going to Duke for college.  I applied a few other places, but I knew I was going to Duke.  When I studied abroad in November 1984, I got my acceptance letter to Penn State.  My friends who were in England took me out to celebrate, but honestly, I didn’t care.  I wasn’t going to Penn State.  I was going to Duke.  What did it matter that I got in there?   Of course, as you have realized, I didn’t get in to Duke.  I ended up going to Penn State, where I met my best friends who are like brothers to me.  My life was completely altered for the better because I didn’t get what I wanted and got what I needed.  If I could go back and change things so that magically I would get into Duke and go there, I would not do it.  I would be a completely different person living a completely different life if I had a gone to Duke for college.  And I like who I am today and the life I have today.  I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

Life has its ups and downs and plenty of challenges.  As the song says, there were plenty of times that I wasn’t sure that I would be able to get through whatever it was I was facing at that time.  I remember a number of them, as I sat alone, crying, and wondering what was going to happen now.  I almost gave up many times in many situations.  But I didn’t give up.  I did manage to make it through.  The same as many of you reading this were able to get through the things that, at the time, you thought were insurmountable.  In fact, as we look back, we may even find it silly that we thought we couldn’t get through these things, but that was who we were at that time.  As we sit here right now, it makes perfect sense.  Yet tomorrow, when we face the struggles and challenges that arise in our life, will we be able to remember that it really does all make sense, just not today?  Will we remember to thank God for all we miss, for the windows that open when the door we preferred gets shut?  Or will we be stuck looking at the back side of the tapestry, thinking that the mess we are looking at is really the art that will be final? 

Oh I cried when my momma passed away
And now I got an angel
Looking out for me today
So nothing’s a mistake

I have reached a point in my life where I know that I am closer to the end of it than the beginning.  It’s not as depressing a thought as I expected it to be.  As I look back, I am so lucky to have had so many amazing people in my life for the time that I had them.  Grandma Esther and Grandpa Si.  Grandma Ev and Grandpa Len.  Grandma Rose.  Grandma Florence and Grandpa Morris.  Grandma Cora and Grandpa Ralph.  They are my grandparents, my wife’s grandparents, and my great-grandmother.  My cousin Eric, who was my age and tragically died at the age of 27 in 1995.  My cousin Todd who died of an overdose in 2015 at the age of 42.  My niece Madeline, who died a few weeks after her birth.  My big brother in the fraternity, Jeff, who died young.  My Uncle Joe, who died at the ‘old’ age of 50 (I was 21 at the time and thought 50 was a good long life – how foolish we are when we are young.)  I wish this was the entire list but life doesn’t work that way.  We have the chance to build special relationships in our life and they end when they end. 

My cousin Eric – he looks so young and innocent
My cousin Todd. We spoke a few days before he died and I always wonder what if I had gotten on the plane to Florida that Monday. Would it have made a difference?

Of course, my father died in September 2022.  This has been the hardest of all for me, both because of the relationship we had and how much I was able to depend on him for guidance and advice.  I have cried a lot about my dad, both when it happened and ongoing since then.  I do believe he, and others, are my angels looking out for me.  I do believe that my dad and others continue to teach me as they were so influential in my life and development that it is as if I can ask them the question and they will answer. 

My dad just before my mom and I said goodnight and left his room. He died a few hours later. The sweet look on his face is one I will never forget.

I agree that nothing is a mistake.  It may not be what I wanted at the time.  It may not be what I would prefer.  It may not be enjoyable either at the moment it happens or ever.  Yet everything that happens in life shapes us into the person we are.  We have the things we have in our life today because of every one of these choices.  The ones we made and the ones we didn’t make.  The ones we knew we were making and the ones we never even noticed. 

The song ends with a repeat of the chorus and while I typically omit the chorus when it repeats, in this instance, I think it’s important to cite it one more time. 

Every stoplight I didn’t make
Every chance I did or I didn’t take
All the nights I went too far
All the girls that broke my heart
All the doors that I had to close
Everything I knew but I didn’t know
Thank God for all I missed
‘Cause it led me here to this

It led me here to this

It’s a reminder that we face so many decisions every day in our life.  It seems as if some matter and some don’t’.  They all matter.  They all help us become the person that we are today.  They give us the life that we have today.  Since my father died, I have faced a number of challenging life situations.  It has shown me who in my life really cares and who was really transactional.  It has also taught me that if I value people, it is MY obligation to reach out and tell them.  It is MY responsibility to call or text them, even if just to say hi and I was thinking of you.  I know first-hand how much those calls and texts mean.  I know that sometimes they are the difference in somebody else’s life.  I have the ability to take the chances, to act, and to not allow excuses of things that don’t really matter get in the way.  Or I can choose not to take that action and let people fade away from my life. 

This song makes me ask myself the following:

Who do I want to be?

What are my values?

What do I stand for?

How do I show my gratitude for being who I am today and for the life that I get to live today?

Am I happy with the person I am and the life that I have today?  When I answer this last question with a resounding YES, it means I am accepting of every little decision or choice I have made, knowingly or unknowingly, because without them, I would not be the person I am today nor would I have the life that I have.