Sunday Song – what if we really could write a letter to a younger self?

Posted on March 11, 2024 by Keith Dvorchik

Today’s song is “Letter to Me” by Brad Paisley from 2015. I find it very inspirational and thoughtful as I’m sure most of us have often thought about what we might tell the 17-year-old version of ourselves if we had the ability to go back and give some advice.

The song begins:

If I could write a letter to me and send it back in time to myself at 17
First I’d prove it’s me by saying
“Look under your bed, there’s a Skoal can and a Playboy no one else would know you hid.”

We all have said to ourselves, “If I only knew then what I know now” about something. How would we even know it was us from the future to know to listen? The beginning of the song is that connection point between the us of today and the us of then. We all had things hidden, secrets we kept from others when we were teenagers. The connection here reminds us that we are still the person we were in the past, just changed by experiences and time. And we can connect with that person from the past anytime we want by channeling those things that meant a lot to us and we didn’t share.

I spent this past weekend with my mom, brother and sister for a family Bat Mitzvah. As we talked about our kids and lessons they have learned or are learning, my brother brought up how he always uses me as the example to his kids. He does this, not because I was a pillar of virtue but actually because I wasn’t. I’m the cautionary tale because I pushed the boundaries and took silly risks and did risky things. The me of today wouldn’t be recognized by the 17-year-old version of myself and I would need to provide some sort of ‘street cred’ to convince that 17 year old version of myself that I really was the same person, just grown up.

We don’t have to be embarrassed by the person we were. We can identify with them and appreciate them for who they were and grateful that we are who we are today. We don’t have to be trapped by our past and can look forward to the present and the future.

And then I’d say I know it’s tough
When you break up after seven months
And, yeah, I know you really liked her, and it just don’t seem fair
But all I can say is pain like that is fast and it’s rare.

It’s funny how our world view changes as we get older. As a teenager, a month was forever. As an adult, a month disappears so quickly it’s hard to believe. A seven-month relationship at 17 seems like forever. Having been married almost 26 years, seven months is the blink of an eye. Being able to put context to time only happens with maturity. That 17-year-old version of myself would be devastated losing a relationship after seven months. That was an eternity. The song reminds us of a few things.

First, life isn’t fair. Life is life. It comes how it comes and it is all about how we deal with the things that come. Sometimes that means we have to deal with pain. The good news is the pain will pass or lessen. But it takes time. And at 17, time isn’t something we understand. My senior year of high school I had a relationship that ended after around 8-9 months. I was devastated. I thought she was the one. We’d been together such a long time. When I look back, I can appreciate the pain and can appreciate how time is completely relative. And while it felt like the pain lasted a long time, it really didn’t. It was fast. I moved on. I haven’t seen or talked to her in nearly 40 years. What was so incredibly painful at 17 passed quickly, even though at the time it felt slow. It’s critical to remember that time is precious and goes too fast. At 17 it didn’t seem that way. Now it seems to go far too fast.

And, oh, you got so much going for you, going right
But I know at 17 it’s hard to see past Friday night
She wasn’t right for you and still you feel like there’s a knife sticking out of your back and you’re wondering if you’ll survive it
You’ll make it through this and you’ll see you’re still around to write this letter to me

Perspective is one of those things we all need and struggle with. The song continues by pointing out to the 17-year-old version that so much is going right yet the focus is on the one thing that isn’t. And even though she wasn’t right for him, and he probably knew it at 17, it still hurts. Pain is a part of life. If we are going to live life, we are going to experience pain. People will disappoint us. People will leave us. Things won’t always go the way we want them to. Yet we move forward and get beyond the immediate hurt into a better future.

My friend and spiritual advisor, Mickey Singer, always talks about preference. It’s preference that gets us into trouble. We prefer something go a certain way because of our limited view. He reminds me that things happen the way they are supposed to happen. Our job is to get rid of preference and understand that. It’s the short-term view vs. the long-term view. When I look back at the life my 17-year-old self wanted and expected, mine is very different. It’s better. More fulfilling. More successful in almost every way possible. If I had stuck with what I wanted at 17, I would have shorted myself an incredible amount.

Like the song says, in the moment we may wonder if we’ll ever get through the pain but we always will if we keep moving forward. And at some point we will be able to look back, appreciate what we went through for what it taught us and what we learned, and be incredibly grateful we are where we are and not back where we would have been.

At the stop sign at Tomlinson and 8^th, I always stop completely, don’t just tap your brakes
And when you get a date with Bridget, make sure the tank is full
On second thought, forget it, hat one turns out kinda cool.

This verse makes me laugh. It’s the older version trying to give basic advice to the younger version. Stop completely at the stop sign. I think back to the younger version of myself and what advice I’d give myself like this. The girls I didn’t realize liked me and in hindsight saw they did. The opportunities I missed that I could have taken advantage of. The small things that my younger self would have appreciated but really don’t mean anything. The older version realizes this when he starts saying to make sure the tank is full of gas. That’s the adult thing to do. The younger version ended up with a great experience and story. Our older selves don’t always know best.

I think about appreciating the challenges that I had growing up. My older self could give advice that would let me avoid lots of mistakes and awkward situations. But then I would not be the person that I am. I would not be able to do the things I can do. I wouldn’t have learned the lessons I did to become who I am. So as much as the older me thinks it would be nice to save the younger version of me some pain, grief, and embarrassment, just like in the song, the realization that it really was for the best is critical.

It’s another reminder that we aren’t in charge. As Mickey would tell me regularly, we are here to experience life and everything that comes with it. Each experience we have in life is a gift, even the things we don’t prefer (there is that preference again). They shape who we are, who we will become, and how we will impact and change the world. It gives us a chance to be grateful for every experience because even the painful ones will pass. I am who I am today because of the experiences of my life to this point. Why would I want a younger me to miss those experiences when it would mean I wouldn’t be who I am?

Each and every time you have a fight, just assume you’re wrong and dad is right
And you should really thank Ms. Brinkman
She spends so much extra time, it’s like she sees a diamond underneath
And she’s polishing you ’til you shine.

This reminds me of a famous Mark Twain saying that I heard years ago. “The older we get, the smarter my parents become.” As a teen, I was sure that my dad didn’t get it. He was a child of the 50s and 60s. I was a child of the 70s and 80s. It was a different time. What did he know about modern times? And yet, the older I got, the more I realized his wisdom. The more I understood that he did know what he was talking about and the more I sought his advice. Now that he isn’t here any longer, I miss his wisdom and advice. I often find myself wanting to ask him for that guidance, to share his wisdom. I’m glad that I got smarter as I got older and had a chance to learn from him. It allows me the opportunity to imagine what he would say. The messages that he would tell me. It’s because I had a chance to learn from him that I can apply that knowledge to imagine what he’d say and how he’d guide me.

The second line is the reminder to appreciate all the other teachers and influencers in our lives. Often times we don’t appreciate those who give us that guidance as mentors, role models, friends, and teachers. As I think back, there are many people I would like to say thank you to. People who believed in me and encouraged me to try a little harder, show up a little more, put in that extra effort. They saw the diamond in the rough and were willing to invest their time, energy, and effort into polishing it (me).

It also reminds me that I have that same responsibility today. I find that there are so many amazing people out there that just need some encouragement, somebody who will invest time in them, somebody who believes in them. I am proud of the people who I have been able to serve that role for. One of them recently said to me:

“My time at UF was shaped by talking with you and others who taught me more than I ever would have done in a classroom.“

It’s nice to know that I have been paying it forward on behalf of those who did the same for me. I believe it’s our responsibility to both realize and recognize those who provided that mentorship and guidance to us and to pay it forward with others. It’s what makes the world better. I have a number of people that I have been able to play that role for and as they achieve success and do amazing things to change the world, I know I had a small part in it. It’s very gratifying. If I could go back to my 17-year-old self, I would want to encourage that kid to say thank you and recognize those people. A thank you means the world and from personal experience, just makes me want to help more people. I wonder how many other people would be impacted if that 17 year old version of me recognized and thanked all those people who saw potential and invested in me?

Oh, you got so much going for ya, going right
But I know, at 17 it’s hard to see past Friday night
Tonight’s the bonfire rally but you’re staying home insteadBecause if you fail algebra, mom and dad’ll kill you dead
But trust me, you’ll squeak by and get a C
And you’re still around to write this letter to me

Once again, the song focuses on perspective. The end of the week and the weekend was everything. A week was a long time. The events and choices we made seemed so critical, so essential. Algebra and grades. SAT scores. Who to take to prom. The things that seem so important at the time that in hindsight really weren’t.

It’s also a lesson that sometimes good enough is good enough. It doesn’t mean we shouldn’t strive for excellence. Nobody can be excellent in everything all the time. Nobody can know everything about everything. It’s simply not a realistic expectation yet as teenagers we often think it is what we need to do. There are times when being perfect or the best isn’t what is needed. Sometimes we just need to get by. Sometimes success is simply accomplishing the goal, passing the class, doing what it takes.

Expectations, often unrealistic ones, cause us much harm. They are usually not based on fact or on what we really can accomplish. They tend to come from other people or from societal expectations. As we get older, we have the ability to choose to accept them or not. As a teen, our parents, teachers, and peers have undue influence. The song reminds us that we don’t have to accept the expectations put upon us by others. We can choose to if we want, but it’s a choice. We are not doomed to fail because we didn’t meet the expectations of others.

You’ve got so much up ahead
You’ll make new friends
You should see your kids and wife

The future is bright. We can get the things we really want. More is ahead than behind. These are all messages our 17-year-old self needs to hear. The person we thought was “the one” at 17 may or may not be. That relationship not working out doesn’t mean we’ll never be married, never have kids.

We can look to the future with excitement no matter our age. There is always so much ahead, even the older we get. The length of time to experience thing may be shorter than at 17 but that doesn’t mean there are not new adventures and experiences ahead.

Life is a journey. We make new friends. We have new experiences. Things continue to change in our lives. We don’t have to worry if it will or won’t change – it will! We don’t have to wonder if it will be good. It may not be what we want. It may not be what we hoped. Iti s what is on our journey.

I love the line, “you should see your kids and wife.” There isn’t any detail added to the statement. It doesn’t say they are amazing or incredible. Yet that is what is inferred. It reminds us that we don’t need all the detail to know something is good. And as we look towards the future, we don’t know what will be. When we look back, we can be filed with gratitude for what we got.

And I’ll end by saying have no fear
These are nowhere near the best years of your life
I guess I’ll see you in the mirror when you’re a grown man.

We often think of times in the past as being the best years of our lives. Especially when we are looking at times when we didn’t have significant responsibilities. It’s also easy to think that our high school years are the best years of our life and perhaps we are wasting them. Or our college years. Or our 20s or 30s. The reality is that today is the best year of our life all the time. It’s about what we do with our time, not when or where we are in life. Our job is to seize the day. Make the most of the day, of the time, of the life that we have rather than thinking about the life we used to have.

P.S. go hug Aunt Rita every chance you can.

And oh, you got so much going for you going right
But I know, at 17 it’s hard to see past Friday night

I love the P.S. This is the reminder to tell the ones we love that we love them. To appreciate those in our lives while we still can. I was blessed to have my Great Grandma Rose in my life into my 20s. All four grandparents into my 20s. Two grandfathers into my early 30s. My dad into my mid 50s. My mom today. My in-laws today. I would love to have them all today, but I also don’t have any regrets for not hugging them, telling them I love them, or spending time with them. I took advantage of every chance I had. One of my favorite stories about my Great Grandma Rose happened near the end of her life. I had sent her a card just because I loved her and was thinking of her. My Grandpa Si was visiting her and she was so excited. She kept telling him, “I got a letter from Keith, I got a letter from Keith.” Grandpa Si asked her, “Well what did it say?” She responded, “I don’t know, I can’t read it. But I got a letter from Keith.” Just thinking about it makes me smile.

We are all limited by time. Don’t miss the time you have with the ones you love. Another day is never promised. Make sure they know how you feel about them and spend the time with them while you can. My mom, brother, sister, and I all just spent the weekend in Chicago for a family Bat Mitzvah. It was a wonderful time being with family and even more special to have the four of us together. I never want to wish I had spent more time with them or told them I loved them. That’s the lesson in this song.

***Dancing with my mom. All 3 of us took a turn.***

I wish you’d study Spanish, I wish you’d take a typing class
I wish you wouldn’t worry and let it be
Hey, I’d say have a little faith and you’ll see

If I could write a letter to me

The last line of the song has a bit of irony. It’s the little things you don’t think about as a teen that can have a long-term benefit as an adult. Learning Spanish, a language that helps a career. Typing to make computer use easier. There are so many mundane choices we make as kids that seem unimportant but in hindsight we’d change. My son took French, a great language. Spanish would have been more helpful. When I was in middle school we had to take Cooking, Sewing, Metal Shop, Wood shop, Drafting, and more. I learned how to cook. I learned how to sew. I learned to use power tools. I learned that I didn’t have the skills to be an architect. Usable skills that helped me in life. It’s sad to me that kids today don’t have those same life skills as courses in school. It also tells us that we can still learn Spanish, typing, cooking, sewing, etc. It’s never too late to learn the things we want. And just because we missed an earlier window doesn’t mean we can’t revisit it in the future.

The song resonates with me because the letter ends up being something entirely different than what most of us think we would right. It’s not a lecture nor is directions to avoid the mistakes we think we made. It’s advice and guidance to enjoy the time in high school and all the time ahead until the age we are when we write the letter. It’s validation and suggestions to help appreciate all that we have. It’s a reminder that no matter how young or old we are, we have the ability to enjoy the moment for what it is and not be fixated on what we think it should be.

My life has had ups and down. Good times and bad. Challenges and rewards. When I stop, take a deep breath, and truly look at what I have in my life, it doesn’t matter what stage I am in, it’s a good life. It’s filled with meaning. I can appreciate my family and all the wonder in my life even when it isn’t perfect. And I don’t have to worry, I can let it be, and have a little faith, because I will end up looking at the same self in the mirror either way. I can choosee to enjoy the journey.

PS – Since the song has a PS, so does this blog. My last post was about friendship and what is a friend. One of my friends sent me this, which totally resonates with me. In fact, many of my friends and I have basically said the same thing to each other many times.

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by One In A Smilliams 🏳️‍🌈🧿 (@oneinasmilliams)

The value of real friends

Posted on March 8, 2024March 8, 2024 by Keith Dvorchik

Friendship is an interesting thing. It’s based on mutual respect and trust. It’s something that is based in faith and belief. There is no way to ‘prove’ that somebody is your friend. There are plenty of times when one person thinks they are friends, and the other person thinks they are acquaintances. Or you say ‘friends’ but don’t really mean you have depth of friendship; it is just easier than saying acquaintances.

Over the past 1 ½ years, I have had the opportunity to learn first-hand about friendship and what it really means to me. When my dad died in September 2022, I saw who reached out, who showed up, and who really cared. When these things happen, it’s always a surprise, as people who I think will show up don’t, and people I never imagined would show up, do. Friendship is about showing up. It’s about being there because you are care about the other person.

Over the last 18 months, my life has taken many twists and turns. There have been ups and downs, challenges, and successes. As life has shown up, so have my real friends. Those who I thought were friends and didn’t show up, indicated that I was wrong. We were merely acquaintances, people with a shared interest, but not friends. It’s been amazing to see the character of different people through this process and it has allowed me to make changes in who I want in my life and who really matters.

This week alone has had a number of instances that highlight true friendship. A good friend of mine’s husband died 3 weeks ago. I knew him as well and while he wasn’t in good health, nobody expected him to die when he did. I reached out when I heard and then called her yesterday to connect and talk. Despite all that she is going through, she wanted to know about me. We connected on a deep level and finished by telling each other “I love you’. It’s a deep and wonderful friendship that I treasure.

Another friend reached out because he is being interviewed for a PBS special and wanted to both tell me he is talking about me and also ask for a picture as they want one to show during the documentary. I was blown away and humbled when he shared this with me. We have been friends since he was an undergraduate student at The University of Florida (UF), and I was running UF Hillel. I made sure he went to Israel as a student and served as a reference for him to do his master’s internship in Israel. We have remained close over the past 20 years, and I let him know exactly what it meant to me that he chose to talk about me. I’ve followed his career and been proud to call him a friend. We check in with each other and check on each other.

I have a few friends that I speak with a few times a week and have done so for decades. We support each other through challenging times and have been there during the good times and the bad. Despite talking 3-4 times per week, it’s always a joy when their name pops up on my phone. I know that I can call them and talk about anything, and they know the same about me. When I think about how important that is, I am astounded that I have so many of them. I always thought I’d be lucky to have one friend like that and I have half a dozen. They truly are like family.

I have my friend who is like a brother – his mom was my mom, his Aunt Jean was my Aunt Jean, my mom is his mom, and my dad was his dad. My brother and sister are his siblings. His wife is like my sister. His kids call me Uncle Keith and mine call him Uncle Aric. It’s a 35-year friendship that goes deep. Either of us will drop anything if needed. We have been through all of life’s challenges together. Getting married, having children, losing parents, career changes, parenthood issues, and so much more.

***Aric and me back in the day when we were roommates at Penn State. Can you guess our favorite baseball team?***

My friend Todd has been in my life for more than 36 years. We went through the death of his mother and two brother, my dad, both of us meeting our future wives and getting married, having and raising children, two of his kids getting married, our professional journey, and much more. We talk all the time and even have our special guys only cruise each year now to hang out without interruptions. He’s my best friend and completely dependable. We make fun of each other, have lots of incriminating stories about each other we laugh about privately, and are each other’s sounding board. I can’t imagine life without him as a key part of it. How lucky am I?

***Todd and I on our guys cruise. His brother Eddie joined us on this one.***

My dear friend Ron has been a sounding board and confidante for 30 years. I was there when his wife was diagnosed with terminal cancer, I spoke to her just before she died. When he had major surgery, I spent the day at the hospital with his family to support them and him. He has been there for me in some of the most challenging times of my life and has been a rock when I need a calm head to process things. A number of months ago he had a stroke. While he is recovering, he still has aphasia so it’s very difficult to talk, a drastic change in our relationship. We text daily and when I call and hear his voice, it brings a big smile to my face. We have already proven to each other there is nothing we won’t do to help each other and I treasure that friendship. Our morning texts are always the best way to start the day.

***With my friend Ron. We’ve been through it all together.***

My friend Harriet and I zoom or talk every week for the past 4 ½ years. We started as part of a formal process in a program we were a part of. We enjoyed each other’s company and insights so much we never stopped. I know she is always just a call away for support and guidance and she knows I am there for her. It’s amazing to have this type of friend, somebody to share personal and professional challenges, excitements, opportunities, happy times, sad times, and challenging times. Sometimes, when things get a bit too crazy, we cut it short to 15 or 30 minutes, just to hear each other’s voice and do a quick check in. It’s a friendship I treasure and the bonus is I got to discover her author husband and his amazing books!!

***My friend Harriet and her husband Howie. Check out his books, especially the Jonah Geller series!***

What do all of these people have in common? When the chips were down for either of us, they were there for me, and I was there for them. It didn’t matter what else was going on, our relationship and friendship came first. The friendships have been through tough life experiences and proved themselves. They have stood the test and survived and thrived.

The last 18 months have highlighted friendships, both real and imagined. I have seen who my friends really are by their actions. And I have learned who I thought were friends but really aren’t. Those who didn’t show up in a time of need. Those where the relationship did not stand the test and have not survived. These are often sad to realize and can hurt my heart. People who I thought I was close with. People where we shared and provided support in the good times, absent when I faced the challenging ones.

I have learned that life is too short to be caught up and invest time in people, careers, organizations, and other things that don’t provide value. I’ll never forget the first time I learned this with who I thought was a friend. I was sitting on the front porch of a camp bunk while somebody I thought was a good friend started talking bad about me. I was stunned to hear a ‘friend’ talking behind my back this way. It showed me that we really weren’t friends, and I chose not to invest any more time in that relationship. It was incredibly painful but also incredibly impactful.

Most of the time I feel like a kid. It’s hard to reconcile thinking and feeling like I am in my 20s and really being in my mid 50s. The realization that more of my life is behind me than ahead of me was a stark one and truly life changing. It was also incredibly freeing as it meant that I could release the societal expectations of work, career, status, title and look at what I really value. Family, friends, mental and physical health. As I sit in the airport, traveling to Chicago for a family Bat Mitzvah that I might have missed in the past, I am so grateful to my friends who have showed up and been there over the last 18 months. And I’m even grateful for the people who I thought were friends and have learned really aren’t, because they haven’t showed up. They have given me a gift as well.

It makes me think of the lyrics of one of my favorite songs that we used to sing when I was in BBYO, You’ve got a Friend by James Taylor.

When you’re down and troubled
And you need some lovin’ care
And nothin’, nothin’ is goin’ right
Close your eyes and think of me
And soon I will be there
To brighten up even your darkest night

You just call out my name
And you know, wherever I am
I’ll come runnin’
To see you again
Winter, spring, summer or fall
All you have to do is call
And I’ll be there
You’ve got a friend

If the sky above you
Grows dark and full of clouds
And that old north wind begins to blow
Keep your head together
And call my name out loud
Soon you’ll hear me knockin’ at your door

You just call out my name
And you know, wherever I am
I’ll come runnin’, runnin’, yeah, yeah
To see you again
Winter, spring, summer or fall
All you have to do is call
And I’ll be there, yes, I will

Now, ain’t it good to know that you’ve got a friend
When people can be so cold?
They’ll hurt you, yes, and desert you
And take your soul if you let them
Oh, but don’t you let them

You’ve got a friend
You’ve got a friend

Ain’t it good to know you’ve got a friend
Ain’t it good to know, ain’t it good to know
Ain’t it good to know
You’ve got a friend

Oh, yeah, now, you’ve got a friend
Yeah baby, you’ve got a friend
Oh, yeah, you’ve got a friend

That’s the best definition of friendship I have ever found. Whatever the need, whatever is going on, you are always there for each other. I’ve written a lot about morals, ethics, and values. Friendship is all about this. It’s all about understanding what is important and what isn’t. My family and friends come first. Always. I can get another job, find a way to make money, get a different car or house. People are indispensable. As the song I wrote about previously said so beautifully, “You can’t get new, old friends”.

I know who my real friends are. Some surprised me in how they stepped up. Some surprised me in how they didn’t. At the end of the day, all we really have is people and time. I have chosen to value them over everything else. In a world dominated by money, power, prestige, titles, and divisiveness, the lesson I have learned is that it is ok to reject those as important principles and put people first. To live an ethical life is worth more than any amount of money. As I was talking to Harriet today on our weekly call, she commented at how nice it was that I could go to this family Bat Mitzvah and do all the things I have been doing recently. And she was right. The change in attitude and in understanding what is important has given me the gift of freedom that I didn’t even know I was missing.

Friends do that for you. Friends are the lifeblood we all need. Real friends. True friends. Ones that don’t just talk the talk, but those who walk the walk. 2024 is a year all about investing in the people who show they are friends through their actions. I’m so appreciative of those who have shown me they are my real friends and just as appreciative of those who have shown me that they are not. Life is whole lot better when you have the right people in it.

I’m grateful for all the right people I have in my life. You know who you are.

What is the definition of a friend? How do you know who your real friends are? Today’s blog talks about that.

The journey of life on that ‘Red Dirt Road’

Posted on March 3, 2024 by Keith Dvorchik

This week I had a number of songs that I was considering writing about. One of the great things about music, and art in general, is that when you begin paying attention to it, there is inspiration all around. I finally settled on a 2003 song by Brooks and Dunn called Red Dirt Road. It’s a song about growing up in a small town, the lessons you learn in places that get burned into your mind and memory, and the dreams of youth compared to the realities of adulthood. It seems like something worth digging into.

The song begins:

I was raised off of rural route three, out past where the blacktop ends.
We’d walk to church on Sunday morning and race barefoot back to Johnson’s fence.

That’s where I first saw Mary, on that roadside pickin’ blackberries.
That summer I turned the corner in my soul down that red dirt road.

We all grew up in different places, many of them with more similarities than differences. Growing up in the 70s and 80s meant that we spent a lot of time outside, riding bikes to friends’ houses, playing in the streets, at the creek, in the woods – whatever we could discover. It didn’t matter where you were raised, there was always a place where the blacktop ended, where there were fences to jump, fields to play in, dirt to roll around in, mud to get all over you. And as we played outside, there was usually a spark with somebody that got you interested in being more than just friends. That initial spark, as they sing about, turned a corner in our soul as we went from children to young adults. And that first spark, that first love, that first interest in somebody else, likely impacted the rest of our lives as we searched for that partner to spend our lives with.

There are many of these type of moments in our lives in which that first spark is created that drives an interest we keep for the rest of our lives. I still remember my first NY Yankees game at the Stadium in 1976. It was electric. There was excitement in the air. It felt special and when the Yankees won in the bottom of the 9^th I was completely hooked on baseball, the Yankees, and Yankee Stadium. Nearly 50 years later that hasn’t changed. I still love going to baseball games and taking my family. My kids are big baseball fans because of the spark that I had in 1976 and the desire for them to find that same spark as they grew up.

***Yankee stadium with Evan – I took both kids on their own trips***

***Yankee Stadium with Matthew on his trip. My brother Lawrence and niece Hannah joined us for one game***

While neither are Yankee fans now, I had my moments when they were little

I remember the spark that turned into a career. That first fundraising gift that I closed. The excitement of what it was going to enable to happen. How that would change the lives of other people. 25 years later, I still get that rush when I have the opportunity to raise money to do something that will change lives. What it feels like to do something that changes lives. Hearing from people the impact had on them many years later. All coming from a spark. Yesterday I spoke with a friend that I met nearly 25 years ago. I have loved following his journey and am proud to have a played a small role in his life. It was amazing to hear how much we have in common today, how that spark that was created 25 years ago has continued to grow and how we are both impacting people in different ways.

So while Brooks and Dunn are singing about a romantic spark, they are really talking about so much more. It’s the spark of spirts connecting beyond romance. It’s the connections that occur when you have that organic experience. Mary was picking blackberries. I can think of so many other people in my life where that spark happened in other random places.

Her daddy didn’t like me much in my shackled-up GTO
I’d sneak out in the middle of the night throw rocks at her bedroom window.
We’d turn out the headlights and drive by the moonlight
Talk about what the future might hold, down that red dirt road.

It’s never about what other people think. Daddy didn’t like him, but it didn’t matter and didn’t stop him. Once there is that spark and that connection, nothing stops it. As I look at the various people in my life where that spark of connection built a lifelong relationship, it never mattered what other people thought. It doesn’t matter about the outward differences because of that soul connection. If I wanted to focus on the differences, I’d see people of various ages, genders, economic status, political party affiliation, religions, races, and so much more. I have never let any of those differences interfere with that connection.

When I think of my best friends, the people who I talk with regularly, the men who I call brother, the women I call sister, it’s amazing to see the internal connection yet the external difference. It shows that what other people think doesn’t matter. One is an Orthodox Jew, another is Christian, yet another is almost 20 years older than me and African American and Christian, another is a gay man. My friends are just as diverse. Some have significant incomes, and some don’t. Some are older, some are my age, and some are younger. They are Jews, Muslims, Christians, Bhai, and atheist. They are my friends because of who they are on the inside, not because of who they are on the outside. The world today may tell me that we are very different, but we are not – we are connected through the soul and those differences don’t matter.

If I were to listen to what is being said in the world today, they wouldn’t be my friends. Just like the ‘daddy’ in the song who didn’t like him, I wouldn’t be allowed to like my friends. I’d have to sneak around to be friends with them. So, while the world wants us to focus on the differences, I choose to focus on the similarities. I choose to focus on the connections I have with my friends. I’d rather talk about the future and how our experiences can help each other get through life. I’d rather live in a world where people are judged by who they are and how they act rather than some generic stereotype based on their religion, skin color, ethnicity, or sexual identity. It’s a much better way to live.

It’s where I drank my first beer
It’s where I found Jesus
Where I wrecked my first car
I tore it all to pieces.

Those special places from our childhood have special meaning to us. So much of our lives happened in those small towns, random places, with childhood friends. There is that place we gathered to drink. The special place to go with a date. One of my friend’s fathers lived in an apartment and his fiancé had her own apartment. His dad stayed at his fiancé’s apartment so that apartment became our special party place. Nearly 40 years later we still talk about the apartment, the parties we had there, and the stories of what happened there. The JCC in Harrisburg, PA which was a place my Jewish and non-Jewish friends would spend time. City Island for concerts, the Susquehanna River for sailing. There are so many special places, our red dirt roads, that will always have special meaning to me and to my childhood friends.

These places continue throughout our lives. There are those locations where meaningful things happened, where relationships were formed and cemented. I moved to Gainesville in 1992 and as I made friends, those places developed. Skeeter’s and their giant biscuits. Our weekly group of 20 that would go to Perkins. The weekend breakfast at 43^rd Street Deli. Bill (z’l) and Rick’s (z’l) house on Monday nights for Chinese food and Northern Exposure. So many places that are tied to powerful memories of friendship. So many red dirt roads.

I learned the path to Heaven
Is full of sinners and believers
Learned that happiness on Earth
Ain’t just for high achievers (I learned)
I’ve come to know there’s life at both ends
Of that red dirt road.

It’s the time we spend on our own red dirt roads that teach us so much. We build those friendships that last a lifetime. These lessons teach us that people are people. Throughout our life, we make mistakes and that we behave ethically. Nobody is perfect. The ‘path to heaven’ isn’t just for believers and doesn’t exclude sinners. We have the ability to change and do better. We all make mistakes. The key question is if we learn from our mistakes. Do we strive to improve? Are we willing to accept the limitations and challenges put upon us or are we going to put for the effort to do better than where we began?

The next line talks about happiness is for everybody. It’s not just the best of the best. We all have the right to be happy and can be happy. The key is measuring ourselves against ourselves. If I base my definition of success against the financial success of Bill Gates, Warren Buffet, or Jeff Bezos, I will always fall short. I will never measure up, never be ‘successful’. It’s fool’s gold. But if instead, I look to measure myself against my needs, it’s a different story. I have a place to live, and I like it. I have a job, food, a vehicle, clothes, and the ability to do things I enjoy. Happiness is entirely defined by the expectations I put upon myself. I don’t have to live in the most expensive home, drive the most expensive car, have multiple vacation homes, etc. to be happy. Happiness isn’t just for the ‘high achievers.’

Over the years, I have spent a lot of time talking with my ‘spiritual advisor’, Mickey Singer, about happiness. How it’s truly self-defined. How we choose to limit ourselves in our happiness because expectations. Brooks and Dunn are telling us clearly that to be happy is actually easy. It’s the difference between having what you want and wanting what you have. As long as our basic needs of food, shelter, and clothing are met, the rest is merely a matter of perspective.

***Mickey’s teachings are truly inspiring***

***Mickey taught me that happiness is a choice. I choice to be happy.***

The last line of the verse is one of my favorites. I’ve come to know there’s life at both ends of that red dirt road. It doesn’t matter where we have come from or where we are today. Life exists in all places. One isn’t better than the other. They are different points on the journey we call life. We may look back at the time on that red dirt road and remember ‘the good old days’, but they rarely were as good as we remember, and the times today are usually just as good if not better. They are just different. I think back to childhood and my red dirt roads, and they are great memories. Far better than the actual time was. We embellish, we remember differently now than what it was then. There are pieces we long for. It sounds so great now to think back to when I lived in my parents’ house, and everything was taken care of for me. I didn’t have any real bills to pay. The stress level, in hindsight, seems like it was so much lower than as an adult with life responsibilities. I also know that if I could go back and talk to the me of that time, that me would tell this me that the stresses I faced were real and could be overwhelming. Pressure of college acceptance, high school cliques, living under my parents’ rules. And that me would tell this me how lucky I am that I have my own home, set my own rules, get to pick the career I want and spend my money the way I want. It’s all relative.

The important message for me in this section of the song is to enjoy the moment. Each moment in our live is a unique opportunity to experience life. When that moment is gone, so is the opportunity to experience and learn from it. Both sides of the red dirt road are valuable and important. One isn’t better than the other. Life is a journey until it is over, why would we want to miss out on any of it and the opportunities that each step in that journey provide. It’s not about being a sinner or a believer. It’s not about the good old days or the challenges of today. It’s about the journey of life that we get to experience and enjoy, if we choose, until it ends.

***Mickey taught me this and it’s something I live by. When I read it, I can hear his voice telling it to me***

I went out into the world, and I came back in
I lost Mary, oh, I got her back again
And driving home tonight, feels like I found a long-lost friend.

The song’s last verse has a haunting piece to it. We leave our hometown. We leave our childhood friends, lovers, families, and red dirt roads to go out into the world and experience it. Whether it is college, the military, jobs – it’s the next step in our life journey and we leave things behind. At some point we have the opportunity to reengage with our original red dirt roads, with our childhood friends. It’s rarely what we thought it would be like. Those childhood crushes that we thought and hoped would turn into something more, never did. Our lives and theirs took different paths. Some of those childhood friends have passed away young. Others have had serious life challenges. Yet others have been wildly successful. We lost the dream of the future when we were children, but we didn’t lose the people in the dreams. It’s just different.

Bruce Springsteen’s ‘My Hometown’ captures this essence as well.

I think of my own life and some of the relationships I had with those childhood friends. Some I thought might be forever romantic partners and they aren’t. Some I thought would be best friends and we would be connected forever, and we aren’t. Others have become better friends over the years or at a later time, when we reconnected, ended up being closer than we ever would have imagined.

In the song, he lost Mary as a lover and future partner. His life, and hers, went on different paths than they ever imagined. Yet the opportunity to reconnect was there and they did. It wasn’t what they thought it would be on the original red dirt road, however it’s still special. It’s still important and meaningful.

I am grateful that I still have some type of relationship with so many of the people from my red dirt roads. They are all very different. Some are more casual and connected mainly online. Others we text and talk. Still others we make time to see each other as often as possible. The quality of the relationships is high, no matter what it was like as children or how often we get to see each other. The time on our red dirt road bonded us in a way that can never be broken.

At the end of the day, I think that’s what inspires me most about this song. It’s truly about experiencing the journey of life and realizing that the connections we make with other people can last a lifetime. But it takes effort. If he hadn’t reached out to Mary and reconnected with her, it would have been a relationship that was inactive. If we want the beauty of the journey of life, it takes ongoing effort, knowing that the work we put into relationships in the past isn’t wasted and isn’t gone, it just needs to be rekindled. When I listed to Red Dirt Road, I find myself filled with gratitude for the experiences and relationships I had as a child and the opportunities to continue those relationships as an adult.

To truly experience the journey of life, it takes effort. And it’s effort that is always rewarded.

My dad (z’l) would be 80 today and celebrate his 20th birthday. Huh???

Posted on February 29, 2024 by Keith Dvorchik

Today is my dad’s (z’l) 80^th birthday. Yes, that means he was a February 29^th, leap year baby.

My favorite story about his birthday came from his mother, my Grandma Esther. When she took him to enroll in public school, they asked when she chose to celebrate his birthday. She asked why it would matter, as his birthday is his birthday. They told her that if they celebrated his birthday on February 28^th, then he could enroll this year. But since that was the cutoff date, if they celebrated it March 1, he had to wait another year to enroll. You guessed it, she told them they celebrated on February 28^th!!

My dad’s real birthdays were always a special celebration in part because they only came once every four years. I remember counting down until I had more birthdays than him (it was when I had my 8^th birthday and he had to wait almost 2 full months for his actual 8^th birthday! My brother and sister did it as well as did my kids. My son Matthew turned 20 two weeks after my dad died, having celebrated 19 real birthdays. We talked a lot about how he just missed celebrating his 20^th before my dad did. Thinking about it now still brings tears to my eyes as it did when we lovingly talked about it.

As we prepare to celebrate his 80^th birthday, and we will celebrate it, I find myself missing him a great deal, especially at this time in my life, and thinking of the lessons he taught me and how important they are and how core they are to who I am as a person. I want to share a few with you.

Family is Everything.

My dad (and my mom) not only preached this but lived it on a daily basis. Nothing came before family. For family simchas (celebrations), my parents were always there. Growing up, the entire family was there. With my cousin’s daughter’s Bat Mitzvah coming up, there is no question we’ll be there, just as we were for my other cousin’s son’s Bar Mitzvah last year. Family is everything and you don’t sacrifice family or family time for anything. You do whatever you can and whatever is needed for family.

Family is also not defined by blood. I have ‘Aunts and Uncles’ who are not related by blood. I have ‘brothers and sisters’ who are not related by blood. I have cousins who are more like siblings. My in-laws are second parents and my wife’s family is truly my family. I joke with people about my family because it’s gotten so big because so many people are part of it that aren’t blood related.

When it comes to family, we were taught that you do whatever is needed to help. Period. No, ‘if’s, ands or buts’ as my mom would often say. I’m grateful to my dad and my mom for instilling this in us as children. It’s not only how I live my life, but also what I teach my children, and Family First has been a core philosophy during the 25 years I ran nonprofit organizations.

***All together for my parents 50th wedding anniversary***

Be ethical – behave as if your mother will see everything you do on the front page of the New York Times.

My dad preached this all the time. When making decisions and making choices, always imagine that your actions or inactions will be on the front page of the NY Times and your mother, and her friends will see it. Is that what I really want my mom to see and read? Is that what I want her friends to be asking her about?

My dad always wanted us to think through our decisions. I can’t count how many times we sat and talked about different situations and went through all the possible outcomes. We’d discuss how we would handle it if this specific thing happened. What if it was something different? How would we handle that? What type of person do you want to be? How do you want people to view you? What values matter to you and how do you consistently act on them.

My long time friends have some great stories about me when I didn’t act that way. When I wouldn’t want my behavior and actions to have been on the front page of the NY Times. Most of those happened in high school and college, which isn’t surprising. That’s when we are testing boundaries, learning limits, and still believe that we are infallible. I use those stories to show my mistakes to my kids. To teach them from the things I didn’t do well how they can do better. They aren’t things I am proud of but they are the things that 13-22 year olds do. We often laugh at them now because they are certainly ridiculous and absurd. And they are the type of things I would never do now.

***With my friend (who is a brother) Aric and his future wife Carol Ann. You can tell from this picture we were up to no good. He has a wealth of stories that thankfully he doesn’t tell.***

My dad began instilling this in us as young children because I think he knew that it would take time for it to really set into our soul. That we wouldn’t understand as kids but by consistenly reinforcing it and teaching us, we would learn it before we made any catestrophic mistakes. His foresight is greatly appreciated and something I have copied with my children.

Thanks Dad, for making me question my actions and strive to always be ethical in my actions. I’m a better person, husband, father, friend, and colleague because of the time and effort you invested to teach me the importance of living an ethical life.

Be Kind

In recent times, there has been a focus on the need to be kind. In many ways this is due to the fact that so many people are not kind. They behave in ways that are atrocious, unethical, and shameful. The way they treat others is completely unacceptable. My dad taught us to be kind. He taught us that how you treat people says something about you and your character. It doesn’t mean you have to like or respect people, but it is important to treat them with dignity. It’s important to be kind.

This doesn’t mean I need to be a doormat. It means that until or unless somebody shows you that they don’t deserve kindness and respect, you give it to them. And even when they show you that, it’s important to behave in an ethical manner. My dad taught me that it is important to remember that at the end of the day, I have to live with myself and my decisions. This means standing up for what is right, what I believe in, and what are my core values. Although at times it takes work and a lot of effort, I can do this in a kind manner.

After my dad died, one of the things that was said about him the most was that he was a kind man. He had a heart of gold and never wanted to hurt anybody, only to help people. It’s one of the characteristics and personality traits of his that I strive to emulate.

Get Involved – make a difference.

My grandparents taught this to my parents who taught it to me and my siblings. Don’t stand on the sidelines. It is important to get involved and work to improve the world in whatever way you can. That was my dad as my cub scout troop leader when nobody else would do it. It was me coaching my kids’ sports teams. It is getting involved with Jewish life in one way or another. Working to connect with legislators who make the laws that we live with. Volunteering with organizations that do work that matters to you.

My dad taught me that life is a contact sport. Sitting on the sidelines isn’t what life is about. I got involved with a youth group in high school. Fraternity in college. Volunteering throughout my life. Working in the nonprofit world for the past 25+ years. Building relationships with people and always being willing to help them.

I was on the phone yesterday with a friend of a friend who connected us about some work-related topics. As we were talking, she asked if I could help with something totally unrelated to the conversation. My answer was 100% yes. Because that’s what I was taught to do. I was talking to another friend yesterday who thanked me for doing something to help them. I told them they didn’t need to say thank you, that’s what friends do for each other. Because that’s what I was taught.

My grandparents were volunteering in the synagogue, at the Jewish home for the elderly, raising money for JNF, volunteering and knitting slippers and sweaters for kids in the hospital. It was always something. They were involved in their community and their lives were richer as a result. I’ll never forget the stories of Holocaust Survivors sleeping on the floor at my great-grandmother’s house because they had no place to go and she just took them in until they could get settled. My parents ‘adopted’ a family from the former Soviet Union when they finally got out and came to the US. My mom is in touch with them today and they are another part of our family, unrelated by blood.

My kids often laugh at me when I talk about ‘my friend (insert name)’ because often times they have no idea which one I am talking about because they hear so many names. I have to clarify which person it is for them because they have grown up understanding that getting involved and helping others is what we do. It is one way that we can make the world a better place.

Thanks Dad. Thanks Mom. By teaching me this value, you’ve made me a better person and allowed me to impact the world in my own way.

My dad loved Nefesh Mountain and brought them to Tampa as a fundraiser to send kids to Jewish summer camp. It was his last major volunteer project.

Set goals. Setting them is more important than achieving them.

This sounds wrong. Isn’t it about what you achieve? I struggled with this when my dad would talk to me about this when I was a kid. Especially in high school when achievement was everything and effort didn’t seem to matter that much. Once again, he was right, and it just took me a little longer to understand it.

If you don’t set goals, you don’t know where you want to go. And if you don’t know where you want to go, you can end up anywhere. I didn’t understand that as kid. I wanted to go to college, have a career, make money, have a family, buy a house, retire, and enjoy my life. Those were goals and I knew where I wanted to go. But I didn’t know how to get there. It is like the famous Theodore Herzl quote, ‘If you will it, it is no dream.’ Just wanting it isn’t enough. You have to will it. You have to work for it. And if you don’t know the steps to take to get there, you likely won’t get there.

I set goals all the time. Goals for the day, the week, the month, the year. When I am working on a project, I have goals and milestones set to achieve so I can measure my progress. Financial goals for retirement. I have an objective for when my house is paid off, places I want to visit, things I want to do. Without setting the goals, I’d have no way to get to what I want to accomplish.

So yes, achieving the goals is important, but if you don’t set them first, you can’t achieve them. Once again, Dad you were right, it just took me a while to understand it.

People remember who you are, not what you did.

Simon Sinek’s amazing TED Talk, Start with Why, focuses on the fact that people don’t buy what you do, they buy why you do it. My dad knew this concept years before Simon’s TED talk, as he taught us this lesson as children. He was never caught up in what he did, but rather who he was a person. The number of stories we heard about my dad and the impact he had on people was incredible. People remembered who he was. They remembered the time he spent with them. The way he listened to them. The way he would always be there for them when they needed him, no matter what. It was who he was. The fact that he had a very successful career and made an impact in the pharmaceutical industry through research and getting new drugs through the FDA was nice, but it wasn’t what he thought was important.

Throughout my career, I have been most proud of the relationships I have built and the people who have been in my life at different stages that still are a part of my life today. People who used to work for me. Students from UF Hillel. Parents of students. Alumni. I have these interactions almost every week. This week alone it happened about 10 times. That’s not a typo – literally 10 or more just this week. I treasure those conversations and connections. I even told one of them today that I was writing about this in the blog as we connected about different things, talked about family, and it seemed like we had just been together yesterday.

I enjoy having the opportunity to remain in people’s lives for decades. To build and maintain friendships. To be a mentor, advisor, friend, colleague and watch their lives unfold. To be a part of their group and for them to be a part of mine.

After my dad died, the stories people told about him were remarkable. I’d heard the same theme throughout my life however after he died, the number of people who had those stories was truly remarkable. He was somebody who was there for everybody. He was known to sit down next to you, pat your thigh and ask, “So what’s going on good?” And then he listened. He heard them. He spent time understanding what they were really talking about and what they were really asking. And then he provided some suggestions and guidance that they could take or not. Most of the time they took it and expressed their gratitude.

One of my friends met my dad only once. He didn’t have a relationship with his own father and was astounded by the relationship I had with my father. He would always remind me of the interaction with my dad and how much it impacted him. He would imitate my dad when he told him, “Call me Barry.” That’s who he was to everybody. He was the person anybody and everybody could reach out to talk with, to share challenges with who would listen and give you 100% of his attention. He was a friend and confidante to so many people. I don’t think any of us realized just how wide and broad his impact in this role was until after he died.

People don’t buy what you do, they buy why you do it. People remember who you are, not what you did. Simon Sinek and Barry Dvorchik (z’l).

***My dad and his 2 (biological) sons. He had many more who considered him to either be dad or Uncle Barry***

February 29^th will always be a special day for me. In many ways I’m glad that it only comes every 4 years, although having celebrated his birthday on February 28th most years means there still is a day that I will miss him even more. I’m very lucky to have had him as a dad and for the wisdom he imparted that I continue to hear in my head and continue to follow.

So today, February 29, 2024, do something special for Barry. Spend some extra time with your family. Call your kids or your parents or your grandparents just to say you love them. Talk with your siblings for no reason other than you love them, and if you have a strained relationship with family, make a commitment to work towards repairing it. He’s up there watching and nothing would make him happier than seeing people investing in their family in his name. And do what he loved to do more than anything…. start dinner by eating dessert first!

I love and miss you dad. Happy heavenly birthday.

***One of my favorite pictures with my dad. This was at Evan’s Bar Mitzvah and we were filled with joy.***

What does matter to me?

Posted on February 25, 2024 by Keith Dvorchik

It’s Sunday so it’s back to music that inspires me. Before this week’s blog, written just before I left for a concert by Sting and Billy Joel, I want to comment on the concert.

Both are amazing musicians and performers. Both are in their early 70s and put on an incredible show. Both brought me back to the late 1970s and early 1980s with their music, as vibrant today as it was when released. That’s the power of music. I sat with my 21 year old son Matthew, his 21 year old girlfriend Carla, and my wife, as we all enjoyed the show. Matthew was amazed when Sting performed one of his songs that was recently sampled by a current artist. Carla was in shock when I explained to her that Scenes from an Italian Restaurant was actually 3 unfinished songs that Billy Joel creatively crafted into an all time classic. We sang, we danced, and we enjoyed the music and the performance. My favorite was Billy Joel imitating Mick Jagger as he sang Start Me Up and did his interpretation of Mick’s dancing. I may write about this concert and what it meant to me later, but it felt wrong not to mention it in a post about music a few hours after experiencing such a powerful few hours of music.

Now onto the song I wanted to discuss.

Luke Combs got a lot of attention at the Grammy’s with his duet with Tracy Chapman. If somehow you haven’t seen it, watch it. If you have seen it, watch it again. There is so much that is truly remarkable about it. You could see how in awe of her he was and how honored he was to have the chance to sing with her. It’s a song written by a queer woman of color in the 1980s that was a big hit then and covered by a white country star in 2023 who didn’t change the pronouns and had no problem singing it as written. And the lyrics speak about the challenges of the American dream in the 1980s that is perhaps even more relevant today. There is a lesson for us all there that could be an entire different blog post.

I saw Tracy Chapman in concert when I was in college, and it was an amazing show. She is an amazing artist. And so is Luke Combs. I’ve always been a fan of hers and have become a big fan of his and have many of his songs that I love. Today I want to talk about his song, “Does to me.“

Released in 2019, it makes me feel better that I am only 5 years behind the music curve. Like a number of amazing songs, Eric Church is also featured. The lyrics read:

I was a third-string dreamer on a second-place team
But I was hell on wheels with a full head of steam
When coach put me in
And I’m still proud of that hit

To start a song with true self-awareness is an amazing choice. Most of us like to brag about the size of the fish that we almost caught. Or we talk about the star player we played with or against. The superstar we met or saw nearby to us. The hole in one we almost made, the local tennis tournament we won or almost won. We glory in greatness or close to greatness. Yet here is Luke Combs talking about being a third string player who wasn’t very good on a team that wasn’t very good. It’s about as far from greatness as possible. When he finally got a chance to play, he was so proud that he actually got a chance to play and did something in the game. He doesn’t get into any details of ‘that hit’, who it was against, or that anybody else thought it was something special. Just that he got into the game, played, and made a tackle. He is bragging about making one tackle. Not leading the team, not making a key or important tackle to anybody but himself.

We often judge ourselves by other people’s outsides. What looks good or important. We forget about what might really be important to us and the things we value. The songs opening stanza is a reminder that we only need judge ourselves against ourselves. He knows he isn’t a good player. He wants to be on the team and is appreciative that he got a chance to actually play. That one hit is enough for him. He doesn’t have to be Al Bundy from Married with Children constantly remembering his 4 touchdowns at Polk High School 30 years later. What makes that funny is we can all relate to that desire for greatness and adoration from the outside when what really matters is what’s inside.

I was a last resort to go to prom with the queen
Thanks to an ex-boyfriend who broke her heart that week
No, I didn’t get luck
But I still felt like a king

Once again, Luke Combs is self-deprecating. He was the last resort for the prom queen because her boyfriend broke up with her that week AND he didn’t have a date. Think about what it’s like to acknowledge that yes, I went with the prom queen but only because the week of prom, I didn’t have a date and she suddenly became single. He’s proudly beating his chest saying I was the best choice of the bottom of the barrel of options for her.

Once again, he understands who he is and what is important to him. He got to go to the prom with the queen. That’s all that matters. How it happened is a fact but doesn’t define him. It wasn’t a romantic prom experience, but it was a prom experience that he will forever be grateful to have had. And he can always say he went to prom with the prom queen!

Many things in life are like that for all of us. If we focus on all the details of the how they happened, we miss out on the great experience. Many years ago, I took my kids to a Tampa Bay Rays baseball game. We didn’t have great tickets, but they weren’t bad ones. Yet when we walked into the ballpark, for some reason they chose us to get the Stubhub upgraded tickets. We sat behind the Orioles bullpen and my kids had fun talking to the Orioles relievers the entire game. One of them even gave my kids baseballs.

***Mark Hendrickson was the pitcher on the Orioles who spent most of the game talking with my kids and gave them baseballs. He won’t ever remember them but we will always remember him.***

Well more than a decade later, we still talk about the experience and laugh about the funny things they talked to the players about. We could have focused on the fact that it was the Orioles, not the Rays bullpen. We could have focused on the fact that players they interacted with were not stars. Instead Major League players (and Mark Hendrickson in particular) spent most of the game talking with them. Focusing on anything else would only diminish the experience. Something similar happened at a UFC fight we went to last year. Sedriques “The Reaper” Dumas came into the stands and they stopped him, took pictures, and spent a minute talking with him and hanging out. It was a fun moment and I only remember his name because it was unique. I’d never heard of him before but we thoroughly enjoyed the moment.

Combs is telling us to enjoy the moment when they come. It doesn’t matter why or how they come. Live in the moment, appreciate the cool and fun things when they happen. Otherwise we miss the moment and they don’t come around often enough.

And that might not mean much to you
But it does to me

This is point of the entire song. Our life experiences that we value don’t have to mean anything to anybody else. They only have to matter to us. As a kid, I was a huge baseball fan (I still am). I followed both college and the minor leagues. The college player of the year in 1982 was a guy named Jeff Ledbetter. He attended Florida State. He had been drafted by the Yankees (my favorite team) out of high school and that year was drafted by the Red Sox (their rival) in the first round. At my summer camp, we used to go to see the Hagerstown Suns (Orioles minor league team) play. That year they played the Red Sox minor league team and Jeff Ledbetter was on the team and playing. I was so excited to watch him play. My friends laughed at me because they’d never heard of him and I was acting as if he was a major league star. During the game, I went near the bench, found him, and engaged in a conversation. In 1982, having a fan know who you are in the minor leagues and seek you was a big deal, so he was happy to talk to me during the game. He even gave me some of his chewing tobacco which I tried (and got sick under the bleachers). I got his autograph and was beyond excited and happy for weeks. And my friends kept laughing at me. It didn’t matter to me. 41 years later, I still remember him, the conversation, and the experience because it mattered to me.

We all have stories like this. It may be a college band. An author we fell in love with at some point in our life. The local sports or weather broadcaster on the news. The high school star athlete when we are in middle or elementary school. It doesn’t matter who they are in general, only in how they matter to us at that point in our lives. We treasure those moments because they mark a special time in our life. We should enjoy them when they come because they don’t come often enough.

So say I’m a middle of the road
Not much to show
Underachieving, average Joe
But I’m a hell of a lover
A damn good brother
And I wear this heart on my sleeve
And that might not mean much to you
But it does to me

Once again, it’s amazing to see somebody so proud of who they are. Self-awareness is so critical in the world and most of us struggle with it. We think we are more important that we are, that our roles and titles define us, how much money we make equates to our value. There has been a loss of pride in doing what we do as best as we can and that being enough. I think of my grandfathers and what they did. One owned a 5 and dime with a luncheonette across from the GE factory with his brother-in-law, my great uncle. Working class, high character, good citizen, good husband, father, grandfather. The other one worked managing low-income housing with his 2 partners, an accountant and attorney. They handled the business side; he handled the management and people side. I’ll never forget that he would get up early, go to the Bridgeport JCC to exercise and have a ‘soak and a schvitz’ (hot tub and steam room) and then come back to have breakfast with my grandmother. Blue collar, hardworking, good husband, father, and grandfather. Both were exceptional people and could have been called ‘average Joe’s’. Neither were flashy. Neither measured their worth by what they did for a living or how much money they had. They were good people first. Active community members and true role models.

The second half of the lyric highlights what is important. Hell of a lover, damn good brother, and not embarrassed to have a heart and let it show. The final two sentences show that those are the things that matter. It’s about setting our priorities. It’s about values. It’s about ethics. It’s about what matters to each of us. I’ve yet to be at a funeral where people reveled in the house the person owned, the car they drove, the jewelry that they wore. They always talk about the person they were. Their values. How they impacted the world. Their behavior and their actions. It’s yet another lesson to not judge our insides by other people’s outsides.

I was the one phone call when my brother went to jail
Pawned my guitar just to pay his bail
No, I will never get it back
But I’m okay with that

Reliability. Responsibility. Dependability. That’s what this verse adds to morals, values, and ethics. In the example he sings about, he can be depended upon by his family and friends. He understands what’s important in life, family, and that things can always be replaced. And if we don’t ever replace the things, they are just things. Things are designed to be enjoyed and an added bonus to our lives, they are not the key to enjoying our lives.

Most of my life, I was obsessed with getting the things that I wanted. The newest technology. The biggest TV. I remember getting my first real component stereo system when I was 13 (for those of you too young to know what this was, it was the most incredible thing in the world). The best car, the nicest and biggest house. Today, while I appreciate the things I have, I’m just as happier if I have less. I don’t need the new car or the bigger house. I’m happy with my phone, which is a few years old, and my TVs, which aren’t the newest nor the biggest. I have a little Bluetooth speaker to listen to music that cost less than my first turntable. The things I have enhance my life, they don’t define it. My family, my mom, my in-laws, siblings, cousins and friends are what’s important. I’d rather spend the money to go to my cousin’s daughter’s Bat Mitzvah in Chicago than buy some other toy. It’s so nice having less because I actually have more.

I was the first man standing next to my best friend
The day the love of his life said “I do” to him
I was a couple beers deep
But I still remembered that speech
And that might not mean much to you
But it does to me

I have had the privilege of being the best man a few times in family and friend’s weddings. I even had a chance to officiate a friend’s wedding last month! The opportunity to be present for these life events are priceless. Where before I may have found an excuse to not go, letting my life be too busy to take the time, spend the money, or whatever excuse I came up with, I have realized that there is nothing like being there when loved ones celebrate special occasions. The most valuable thing in life is time and the people we choose to spend it with. Over the past 25 years, I have made choices and spent time with people that when I look back, weren’t worth the time or the opportunity cost of doing so. Today I get to choose who I want to be around. Who is worth my time. Who do I want in my life and why are they important. It’s a much smaller group of people but it’s a much more impactful group of people. It’s a lesson that I wish I had learned earlier in life and certainly one that I am actively teaching my children now. I want them to understand that people will show you who they are and use that to ensure they don’t have to waste the time that I did with people who show you they don’t deserve it.

There’s a worn-out blade that my Granddaddy gave me
My Mama’s first Bible, Daddy’s Don Williams vinyl
That first-fish-catching Zebco thirty-three
Well, that might not mean much to you
But it does to me

I have a number of things from my grandparents and my dad that are meaningful to me. It’s not the financial value of them, it’s the emotional value. I have my grandfather’s masonic ring that I can wear because, like him, I joined the Masons. I have the newspaper covers from when Nixon resigned that my other grandfather had, which always reminds me of him and working in his basement workshop together. We have the handmade wooden trucks that my wife’s grandfather made with his handwriting, signature and date on the bottom. I have candlesticks and special China from my great grandmother than I still use. It’s not the item itself that has the value, it’s the memories they bring up. Once again, we are reminded that time and people are what matter. The memories we make with people are what last forever. The stories we get to tell our children and grandchildren make them live for generations after they are gone. I am not the handiest person in the world, but I have my grandfather’s tools because he was handy and used them constantly. Holding them in my hand is like holding his hand, 25 years after he passed away.

So say I’m a middle of the road
Not much to show
Underachieving average Joe
But I’m a hell of a lover
A damn good brother
And I wear this heart on my sleeve
And I’m a damn hard working
One thing’s for certain
I stand up for what I believe

And that might not mean much to you
But it does to me

The final stanza, while similar to one above, adds two key lines to highlight. The first is working hard. We live in a world today where hard work is often considered a four-letter word. That working hard is related to compensation and if we don’t feel that we are compensated appropriately, we don’t work as hard. This line reminds us that working hard is entirely about ourselves. It’s about our values, our morals, our ethics. We choose to work hard because it is who we are. I remember when being told you worked hard was a complement that had nothing to do with a paycheck. Hard work in school was its own reward. As a 15 year old working part time at Wendy’s for $3.35 an hour I worked hard because I was taught that was what you did at a job, regardless of the pay. It makes a statement about my values, not my wallet. I have never forgotten that lesson.

As he finishes the song by saying “I stand up for what I believe.” I find myself thinking how important that is. A friend used to say all the time that, “If you don’t stand for something, you will fall for anything.” I think about that and often ask myself, what do I believe? What is important to me? What does society tell me matters that really doesn’t. How much is ego driven instead of value driven? What is the outcome I really want and if I don’t stand up for what I believe, can I get that outcome both externally and internally. There have been times in my life when I have gotten the external outcome that I desired but internally it was empty. It didn’t feel good. There have been times where I didn’t get the external outcome I desired, however I stood up for what I believed and even though others might say that I ‘lost’, I actually won because at the end of the day, I felt good inside.

I truly love this song because as I have said earlier, it reminds me not to judge my insides with other’s outsides. It reminds me that what I choose to value and prioritize is what matters, not what society or other people tell me matters. At the end of the day, if society views me as a success but internally, I am empty, I am not a success. If I feel internally successful and value the way I live my life, nothing else matters.

This Steve Jobs quote truly resonates. Do something wonderful today. Be with the people you want to be with. Stand up for what you believe.

Sunday’s musical inspiration – Luke Bryan and Most People are Good.

Posted on February 18, 2024 by Keith Dvorchik

It’s Sunday so time to let music be my inspiration. This week it’s a song by Luke Bryan from 2017 titled, “Most People are Good”. It’s an interesting choice since not long ago, inspired by Anne Frank, I was talking about how there aren’t enough good people in the world. I’m honestly not sure if there aren’t enough good people or if they are just quiet and do good, or if the media just chooses to only focus on the bad. Perhaps it’s a combination of all three.

The lyrics are insightful and thoughtful.

I believe kids oughta stay kids as long as they can. Turn off the screen, go climb a tree, get dirt on their hands.

We live in a world where kids grow up way to fast. I think back to my childhood where we played outside every day. People had part time jobs for pocket money not as a primary goal nor to further our future careers. We played multiple sports and had diverse groups of friends. There was no such thing as “travel ball.” My mom would make us take off not just our shoes but our dirty clothes in the garage before entering the house. Times were simpler. The only screens were TVs and VCRs were fairly new so you could try to tape a show if you missed it but our lives were not dominated by TV, the internet (didn’t exist), streaming services, etc. We stayed kids as long as we could and that wasn’t a bad thing. When I look at how my kids and their friends grew up compared how I grew up, it’s truly a different world. We walked or road our bikes everywhere. Our parents didn’t know where we were every moment of every day through tracking software on cellphones or texting. Life was simpler. I have done what I can to provide that for my children. We have never tracked their location on their cellphones. We encourage them to stay kids as long as they can because adulting is both hard and long. Childhood is meant to be cherished and in today’s world, it’s now rushed through. I worry about our future when kids aren’t allowed and encouraged to be kids.

I believe we gotta forgive and make amends. ‘Cause nobody gets chance to make new old friends.

I consider myself lucky, in part because I have so many friends for more than 30 years. Some are more than 40 years and others more than 50. People who I grew up with. People who I have known most of my life. Like the song says, you can’t make new, old friends. Many years ago, I learned to ask a very important question. Would I rather be happy, or right? Most of the time, I’d rather be happy and choose actions that provide happiness. By choosing to be happy, I forgive and make amends. My friends stay my friends and we get through the challenges that all friendships and relationships have. Just this week I was talking to a friend from middle school and a friend from high school. I am getting together with a high school friend today because she is in town. These relationships are precious. They span decades and go back to a simpler time with cherished memories. In today’s world, we often let disagreements end friendships. Life is too short. Time is too precious. What do I gain from ending friendships that have lasted decades over unimportant things? I like that my children know my old friends. I like that they tell my children stories from ‘the old days’, even when they are embarrassing and especially when they are funny. Here are just a few pictures of a few of them.

I just got to spend time with Jim, Ananda, and Anna Marie at our friend Jeremy’s wedding. It has been years for some of us yet it felt like no time had passed.

My friend Aric who tells my kids classic stories they often don’t believe. We became friends in 1988 and are like brothers.

My friend Todd who has great stories to tell my kids, also ones they don’t believe. We became friends in 1987 and talk at least once a week.

My dear friend Ron – we have experienced the ups and downs of life together for the past 30+ years.

Larry and I met in either 1984 or 1985. We still talk every week.

Jamal and I have been friends for 20 years. He always inspires me and I am humbled when he says the same about me.

Darryl and I have been friends since 6th grade. He is now a mentor to my son Evan. Who wants to try to make new, old friends when you have old friends like this?

I read a very interesting article about two friends in Israel who allowed their political differences to impact their friendship. The impact of October 7^th made them realize how important their friendship is and their disagreements politically aren’t a reason to not be friends. That’s a real life example of this lyric.

I believe in workin’ hard for what you’ve got. Even if it doesn’t add up to a hell of a lot.

My grandparents and parents taught me early in life the importance of hard work. They would often say that hard work is its own reward. As a kid, this was hard to understand. Hard work was to get a result. It was to obtain things. How could hard work be its own reward?

As I got older, I began to understand what they were talking about. It is about having a work ethic. It is about having values and living up to them. It is having integrity and working hard because it is the right thing to do, not because you will get a specific outcome.

The older I have gotten, the more I appreciate the things I have. Growing up and into my 30s it was all about more, more, more. The bigger house. The nicer car. More toys. The newest technology. Today I am grateful for what I have and often time realize that I would be just as happy, if not happier, if I had less. There is value in appreciating what you have and not wanting more all the time.

There is also another hidden message in these lyrics. Often times we judge people based on appearance. Based on the car they drive, the clothes they wear. This line urges us to look at the person, not what or how much they have. It reminds me of quote by the Reverend Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. in which he said, “I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.” The color of their skin, the amount of money in their bank account, the type of car they drive, the clothes they wear – all have nothing to do with the content of their character. All have nothing to do with the type of person and human being they are. We need to pay attention to who people are based on their actions, not their bank account.

A brilliant quote from To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee. We see what we look for.

I believe most people are good and most mamas oughta qualify for sainthood.

This is the line that I struggle with. Not the second part but the first part. In today’s world, are most people good? Half the country hates the other half. The rise in antisemitism is frightening. We literally see Nazis in Central Florida every few weeks. Sometimes in uniform, usually waving a big Nazi flag and chanting horrible things with awful signs. In Nashville there was a Nazi march where people were chanting ‘Heil Hitler’. This is not the 1930s in Germany. This is 2024 in the United States. Crime is up. Instead of random acts of kindness, we see random acts of violence. The rape, murder, and kidnapping of Jews on October 7^th is acceptable only because they are Jews. Calls for a ceasefire happen daily but these people don’t demand the release of the hostages, now in their 133^rd day of captivity. Too many good people are silent. It seems that over the past few years the famous quote, “The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.” was everywhere being said by everybody. Yet after October 7^th, these people went silent. It seems there are daily demonstrations of the evil of humanity. I look every day for signs that most people are good and yet most people fail the test every day.

***This was yesterday, 2 miles from my house. The hatred is real.***

***I never thought I’d see Nazi flags flying like this in my lifetime. This was February 17, 2024.***

***The growth of antisemitism is real. February 17, 2024 in Winter Park, FL.***

It is a reminder to me that I can’t control anybody else. I am only responsible for myself. I can choose to be good. I can do my part to make the world a better place. I can choose to engage in random acts of kindness. I can choose to fight against all hatred and stand up and speak out. I can be an example and live true to my values. Perhaps if we each take responsibility for ourselves, we will end up with most people being good. At the end of the day, I’m not responsible for most people. I am responsible for myself.

I love the line about most mamas qualifying for sainthood. Being a parent is difficult and as I have watched my mom, my mother-in-law, and my wife, I see how much more difficult it is to be a mom. I don’t know if it is societal expectations and training or something innate, but the differences between being a mom and a dad are significant. I am ok with my children struggling – it’s part of life and learning important life lessons. My wife wants to protect them from any struggles, it’s in her DNA as a mom. We both love our children and want only the best for them. We talked about this last night, and I was fascinated by the difference in our points of view. So I agree with Luke Bryan – most mamas should be Saint Mama.

I believe most Friday nights look better under neon or stadium lights.

As the parent of a high school football player, there was not much better than Friday Night Lights and watching my son play each week. It was an incredible four years and six years after it ended, I still miss it.

I can dig deeper into this lyric and go beyond high school football. Growing up, Friday night meant Shabbat dinner. It didn’t matter what I wanted to do before or after, we sat down as a family, often with guests, for Shabbat dinner. My mom would light Shabbat candles, my dad would typically make kiddush, and one of the kids would say the Motzi. No matter what, we were together as a family for Shabbat dinner. When my son played high school football, that became our Shabbat dinner – together as a family, under the stadium lights, usually eating a hot dog or hamburger for dinner, and loving every minute of being together.

Friday night, Shabbat, gives me the opportunity to set aside the business of the week and focus on the things that are really important. Family. Friends. Spirituality. Health. Just like Friday Night Lights creates a special environment, Shabbat itself creates that opportunity, if we are willing to take it. I fully admit that I am not a traditionally shomer shabbat person. I do use Shabbat as a break from the week. It’s the day that I get to refocus and recenter. It’s the day I focus more intensely on family. As a family of college football fanatics, Shabbat has been a traditional day where all four of us sit together all day watching college football. When the kids were little, we all climbed into our bed. Now that they are bigger than me, we watch in the living room. It’s become a family tradition that is a break from the rest of the week.

Friday night looks better under the neon or stadium lights because of the uniqueness they offer. Friday night also looks better because of the uniqueness of Shabbat and the opportunity to, for one day, set aside the stress of the real world and focus instead on the smaller, more intimate world of family and friends.

I believe you love who you love. Ain’t nothing you should ever be ashamed of.

It makes me so happy that a country singer wrote these words and sings it proudly. Country music and fans of country music are often categorized as racist and homophobic. To have a major country music star make this type of statement helps improve the world. It says loud and clear that people are people. Who you love is your business and nobody else’s. And there is nothing wrong with loving whoever it is that you love.

Growing up, we had a tight group of friends that all went to Hebrew School together. Most of us also went to the same public schools. We remain close today and have a Facebook messenger chat group to keep in touch. I remember when two members of our tightknit group came out. It wasn’t a surprise to any of us. We had known for years and years. It didn’t matter because we love everybody in the group for who they are. We celebrate all the diversity of our friends because of who they are.

My confirmation class – we stay in touch 40 years later.

In a song about most people being good, this line is so important. Hate is simply unacceptable yet continues to grow in our world. It doesn’t matter who the hate is targeting. It can be the African American community, the LGBTQ+ community, the Asian community, the Muslim community, the Jewish community – hate is hate is hate. We must stand together against all hate because those who live in hate will simply move their hatred from group to group. Our power comes from standing together and strongly condemning all hate. Not allowing it to fester and grow. Hate is taught which means we can teach love instead of hate. Just like Luke Bryan, I believe you love who you love and there is nothing to be ashamed of. You are who you are and there is nothing to be ashamed of. If we want to live in a world driven by love instead of hate, we accept people for who they are and appreciate all the differences each of us bring to our community and to the world.

I believe this world ain’t half as bad as it looks. I believe most people are good.

Despite some of my struggles with most people being good, I find this line inspirational. Perhaps it is because he says it ‘ain’t half as bad as it looks’, recognizing that the world looks pretty bad today. So much of why the world looks bad is because of what the media shows us. The saying, “If it bleeds, it leads” has become more than the truth, it seems it is now the mantra for the media. We get shown the worst of humanity most of the time. We live in our own bubbles where we don’t interact enough with people who are different from us. We don’t celebrate our diversity and we don’t bother to try to understand others, instead we try to get them to agree with us.

In 2019 I had the gift of participating on the Encounter Immersive Program. This is a program that takes Jewish leaders to meet with leaders of Palestinian civil society for four days. I remember thinking that four days seemed awful short. After day 3, I was grateful it was only four days. The tagline for Encounter is “Listen, Learn, Lead.” And the program is really all about listening. It’s about understanding a different point of view and perspective. It’s not about trying to convince anybody of my beliefs but rather a chance for me to learn about their beliefs, their narrative, their story. It was a truly fascinating experience that I wrote about earlier in this blog – you can find the many posts I wrote near the beginning of this site. By listening, learning, and asking clarifying questions, I got a better understanding of the challenges in the region. It wasn’t just the simple good vs. evil or mine vs. yours. It gave me a chance to dig into challenges that have reframed by understanding. It only strengthened my Zionism while also increasing my humanity and building bridges.

If we can get beyond the surface answers and really spend time communicating – listening and learning – there is hope for the future. Not just in Israel but in the United States and around the world. There is so much clickbait and so many people only read the headlines without really understanding the details that it is easy to lose hope and only see the negative. I truly believe that most of us want the same things, it is more about how we get there and how we find was to talk about it that are the key. I think often of the stories of President Ronald Reagan and Speaker of the House, Tip O’Neill. They would spend all day arguing policy and at the end of the day, they would go out together and get a beer. How do we get back to the days when we focused on our similarities, not our differences?

So maybe the world really isn’t half as bad as it looks. We can certainly hope and do our part, since it looks pretty awful right now.

I believe them streets of gold are worth the work. But I’d still wanna go even if they were paved in dirt.

My parents taught us all that results aren’t promised. We can only do our part and put in the work. That’s what they asked of us – put in the work. I remember being happy in school getting an A- without any work and my parents being very upset. I didn’t understand. I remember working hard and only getting a B and they were happy and supportive. That confused me as well – wasn’t the A- better than the B? It took me a long time to understand that the value was in the work, not the result.

As I got older and began to understand the importance of the work itself, I began to learn things like not having control of the results. I can only do the work and put things in place for a likelihood of success. There are too many other factors to make it my responsibility for the outcome. The wisdom of Benjamin Franklin spoke to me when said, “If you fail to plan, you are planning to fail”. One of my mentors, Rabbi Mark Kram, was famous for saying “Failure to plan on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.”

Over the past years as I began to learn with a Rabbi, these thinking was reinforced again. I have learned with many Rabbis and educators. One common theme has been and continues to be that everything comes from God. Our job is to the work, not determine the results. Recently I was having dinner with my friend Harry Rothenberg, an attorney who is perhaps the best Jewish educator I have ever experienced. I watch his video blog every week and learn something meaningful each time. We were talking about how he had been stuck in terrible traffic and was going to be late to an event. He didn’t have a chance to eat lunch and there was a great cocktail reception before the event with delicious food. He was incredibly hungry and was going to miss the chance to eat. He was getting frustrated. He managed to make it to the event just as they were finishing clearing up the last of the food. Disappointed and hungry, he sat down for the event. At that time, he realized that the entire plan was one from God. He made the event on time. He arrived safely. Sure he missed the food but he wasn’t going to starve. He just missed the food. In the meantime, he had missed the bigger picture of everything being God’s plan. He realized he needed to do better.

Harry and me after dinner and a great learning session. I love having him as a friend and teacher.

I was inspired by the story for two reasons. First, if you are like me, you tend to get caught up in what is happening that minute and can lose sight of the big picture. I can get upset because traffic means I will be late. The person in front of me is driving slowly. I didn’t get to eat lunch and am hungry. All sorts of details that are happening right at that time but don’t really matter. I lose the big picture that I I will arrive where I need to get safely. That patience is a virtue. That I won’t starve and have plenty of food, just not at that minute. When I focus on the big picture, I get filled with gratitude. Even if the roads are paved in dirt, they feel like they are paved in gold.

The second part of inspiration is the desire to do better. There is always an opportunity to improve, to do a little more, to be a little better. My spiritual advisor, Mickey Singer, would often guide me that life is a journey to be experienced. We are here as a spiritual being, having a human experience, so experience it. Realizing that we can improve, that we can be better, and doing the work required to do better really does make those dirt roads into gold.

I believe that youth is spent well on the young. ‘Cause wisdom in your teens would be a lot less fun.

How many times have any of us said, “If I only knew then what I know now…”? Would we really want to know then what we know now? As a 16-year-old, would I really know and be able to follow through on things that took me 40 years to learn? Would that knowledge ruin the childhood that I talked about above? Would I be any better off knowing it then but not having the capacity or ability to really take advantage of it?

Youth is for the young. Our bodies are able to do more. We have more energy and the lessons of the world have not been learned yet. As somebody who grew up in the 70s and 80s, I look back with fond memories. Not because I want to be who I was back then but because of who I was back then. It was the only time in my life that I could be that person. That I could have the freedom offered to the young. No physical restriction. No limitations because of the responsibilities of a wife and children. No career to be concerned about.

I think about friends who didn’t have the luxury of youth when they were young. Financial insecurity. Issues with permanent housing. Unstable home life situations. They were forced to grow up quickly and had far more wisdom at 16 or 20 than I did. It comes at a cost. I think of the children impacted by the war with Israel and Hamas. They have far too much life wisdom now. How many of them would trade all of this wisdom to go back to an October 6^th world?

We live in such a fast-paced world now that kids don’t get a chance to be kids. There is academic pressure that begins at an insanely early age. I remember a few years ago talking to parents about their 2-year-old child in our preschool. The child’s grandfather had already called Harvard about getting him on a wait list. Let me repeat, the child was 2 YEARS OLD! I think about the IB and AP courses my children took in high school and the academic pressure they faced. In hindsight was it really worth it? When I talk with them the answer is no – both would have been much happier doing a dual enrollment program or even taking regular coursework.

Youth is for the young. Let’s not steal it from them by trying to get them somewhere before they need to be there.

I believe if you just go by the nightly news, your faith in all mankind would be first thing you lose.

I stopped watching the nightly news a number of years ago. Everything was negative and the national news was focused entirely on their own spin. There is a reason there is no longer a news department and these programs are in the entertainment division. It is far too easy to find a news channel that will reinforce your own beliefs or will make you hate those with different views.

For a while I watched the CBS Sunday morning show because they only told happy and inspiring stories. It made me realize that there are plenty of these stories available if you look for them. We don’t have to be consumed with the negativity and lose our faith in mankind. We can find the stories that inspire us. That give us hope. One news site I follow does a story every Sunday where they allow a reader to tell a story of gratitude where they get to highlight the kindness somebody else did for them. It’s one of my favorite things to read because it reinforces faith in mankind.

The nightly news can be toxic. On October 7^th, my friend the Consul General of Israel to Florida, told me to stop watching the news. It wasn’t healthy to be so focused and so obsessed on the murder, rape, and kidnapping of Jews by Hamas. I understood but also couldn’t stop. When I watched the Hamas video of October 7^th, many people asked why I would want to see that inhumanity and put myself through it. I told them I needed to bear witness. We have to be careful with what we consume as it shapes our reality. I spend time talking with friends of mine in Israel, with friends who have had family members taken hostage – some have been released and some are still hostages. I talk with people who are actively looking to change the world through their actions. Medical research. Summer camp for children. People working with victims of terror to attempt to restore humanity. Mentoring and coaching youth who need the guidance and support to have a better future. Those working with pediatric hospitalized patients and seniors struggling with loneliness. People focused on finding the light in the world amidst the darkness.

We can find our faith in mankind restored when we choose to see the beauty happening all around us and make an active choice to join in that beauty.

I believe that days go slow, and years go fast. And every breath’s a gift, the first one to the last.

As a kid, the days went slow, and the years seemed to go slower. There was always something to look forward to. Turning 10 and being double digits. 13 was Bar Mitzvah. 16 was my driver’s license. Graduating high school and going off to college. 18 was voting. 21 the legal drinking age. Graduating college. Focusing on the milestones, time seemed to drag on as the next one was always so significant and exciting. I remember when my oldest son was born and being told that now the days will go slow, but the years will go fast. How true that statement became. It seems like yesterday my sons were in preschool, taking naps, and I was reading them bedtime stories as we cuddled, never certain who fell asleep first, them or me. Precious days and precious times. My wife commented to me the other day how much she misses my older son who is now in Tennessee starting his career. My youngest is still at home and we treasure the time because it goes too fast. In a few months he will be a senior in college, and we will prepare for the next big change in our lives.

I turned 56 in December. I still feel like I am in my 30s most days and there are times I feel like I’m back in high school. Yet 60 is around the corner. I remember when my Uncle Joe died at 50 years old thinking, “at least he lived a good long life.” I was 21 – what did I know? As a kid, filled with youth and being young, time was plentiful and abundant. Now it is the most precious commodity in the world. We only get so much of it and then it is gone forever.

I first experienced this when my cousin Eric died in 1995 at the age of 27. We grew up together and were like brothers. My childhood is filled with stories of Eric and me. One day he was here, vibrant, alive, with an incredible future. Then he was gone. I was blessed to know two of my great grandparents, all four of my grandparents, all four of my wife’s grandparents, and have great relationships with my parents and my in-laws. My great-grandparents and all eight of the grandparents are now gone. I treasure the time with them and appreciate all that I got. My dad died in September 2022, and I miss him every day. My cousin Todd, Eric’s younger brother, died tragically in 2015. After Eric’s death, he became another little brother to me, and we had many long and deep conversations. I had spoken with him a few days before he died. Every breath truly is a gift, the first to the last. And we are never promised the next one.

Its still hard to believe it has been almost 30 years since Eric died

I can’t beieve it’s 8 1/2 years since Todd died.

Over the last two years I had a number of health issues. I was still in the youth mindset of living forever and being indestructible, despite the clear signals that wasn’t true. My dad dying was the point where I knew I had to make changes. I lost weight, got in better shape, and tried to put better boundaries in my life. Work life balance became much more important as I realized that I had taken more breaths in my past than I would in my future. As these changes took hold and required significant life alterations, it really hit home when my mom said to me, “I was waiting for the call telling me you had a heart attack.” That statement shook me to the core and still does today. I’ve chosen to live my life differently as a result. Each breath we get is truly precious, from the first to the last. Why would want to waste a single one?

Who would have thought that a simple country music song would inspire a 5,000-word essay? I guess the need for believing that most people are good is really that important. The world we live in is so fraught with challenges that a simple believe in the goodness of people is essential and a given. Let’s join together to change that.

The Sunday music inspiration

Posted on February 11, 2024 by Keith Dvorchik

About 6 months ago I began subscribing to The Free Press. The articles have been great and each Sunday there is a focus by Douglas Murray called, “Things Worth Remembering” that in year one focused on poetry. I have to admit that for most of my life, poetry hasn’t been something that I really got. Yet getting this weekly article about a specific poem that really dug into the words began to inspire me. I went from glancing at it, to skimming it, to reading it and really enjoying it. The Free Press announced that year two of the column will now focus on great oratory of the ages.

I’ve also written about how behind I am with popular music. So, as I catch up on music, I thought I’d imitate the Free Press and use Sunday as a day to be inspired by music. Today’s song is from 2017, so I’m only 6-7 years behind the curve on this one. It’s by Scotty McCreary and called ‘Five More Minutes”. The words remind me of the past and inspire me for the future.

Eight years old, couple cane pole sittin’ down by the creek. Lines in the water, watchin’ those bobbers, seein’ that red sun sink. Mama’s on the porch yellin’, “Supper’s hot! Y’all come and get it!” We yelled, “Five more minutes.”

As a child, we played outside every day. Winter, Spring, Summer, or Fall, it didn’t matter how hot or cold it was, we were outside playing. The rules were when the streetlights came on, we had to head home. And every day, when the lights came on, we kept playing until at least one of our mothers who open the front door and yell at us to come inside for dinner. And just like in the song, we would groan and beg for just five more minutes. We never really wanted just five more minutes but that was what we asked for. As an adult, I look back on those days with such gratitude. We had no worries. We played all sorts of games outside with everybody in the neighborhood. The only worry we had was watching for the streetlights to turn on. There are many days that I wish for just five more minutes of that childhood without the pressures of life. As my children grew up, I wanted to give them to same type of experience. While the world had changed and technology meant they weren’t outside all afternoon like we were, I still wanted to give them the opportunity to ask for just five more minutes. I smile when it’s dinner time and my now young adult sons will ask for just a few more minutes to finish their game before they come to eat.

The joy of childhood is precious, and we lose it far too often. While as adults we have responsibilities beyond coming home for dinner when the streetlights turn on, we can find our own ways to do the things that bring us similar joy to we experienced in childhood. In the times we live in, bringing some childhood joy to our lives is critical to maintain our sanity.

At sixteen, it was 12:03, standin’ at her front door. And Katie’s dad said “Midnight,” but we needed just a little more. Yellow light flippin’ on and off interruptin’ that good night kissin’. We wanted five more minutes.

As a teen, it was no longer just come in for dinner when the streetlights came on. After dinner it was going out with friends. First it was just in the neighborhood and as we got older and could drive, it was midnight and later. It was exciting and thrilling. The night brought lots of opportunities, especially with dating. I remember many times sitting in the car or at the front door with the ‘goodnight kiss’, knowing that her dad was waiting inside to make sure she got home by curfew. And like the song, we always wanted just five more minutes. High school was all about the five more minutes of whatever we were doing, other than school. Dating, parties, youth group conventions, vacations – we always wanted just a little bit more.

When I look back, I find myself thinking about how to get that extra time with the things I love. Going to sporting events with my kids, the theater with my wife, vacations with my wife and with the family, concerts, spending holidays together, and so much more. I remember growing up hearing about how time was the most precious commodity we have and thinking how young I was and how much future was ahead. In my mid 50s, with 60 around the corner, I look back and appreciate the way I spent some of my time and think of the missed time that I can never get back. I treasure the time I got to spend with my grandparents and how integral all four of them were to me into my mid-20s and early 30s. I think of my great-grandma Rose and the time I spent with her. I think of my parents, my siblings (including my wife’s sisters and her family), my cousins, my in-laws, and my close friends.

As I look at the next two decades of my life, I want to focus on that extra five more minutes with the people I love and the people who matter to me. Time truly is the most precious possession we have, and I am grateful to be at a place in my life and with my career where I don’t have to sacrifice the time because of work, finances, or ego. I want to remember what it felt like being a teenager when I treasured every minute on a date, while being out with friends, and with everything that I did. Somehow when building a career and raising a family, these things get lost, and it is too easy to never recover them.

Time rolls by, the clock don’t stop. I wish I had a few more drops of the good stuff, the good times. Ah, but they just keep on flyin’. Right on by like it ain’t nothin’. I wish I had me a-, a pause button. Moments like those, Lord knows I’d hit it. And give myself five more minutes.

As a kid, time seemed to drag on. I remember being told that as I got older, the days would go slow and the years would go fast. I didn’t believe it nor did I truly understand it. I was young. Invincible. The future was mine and so much ahead of me. I remember turning 30 and thinking how old I was, because I grew up in shadows of the ‘don’t trust anybody over 30’ generation. I wanted a fast forward button, not a pause button. Fast forward through high school so I could be independent and move away to college. College was fun but I wanted to fast forward to building a career. Being single was fun but I wanted to fast forward to getting married and having children. Time was plentiful so why would I want to slow life down?

My fraternity brothers at one of our formals. Truly the best of times that went way too fast.

My friend Aric, who is like a brother to me, and his now wife Carol Ann. We joke that if it was ‘my turn’ when we met girls that she would have been my wife instead of his. It feels like yesterday but it was more than 30 years ago.

High school. Hard to believe this was almost 40 years ago. It feels like yesterday. We lost my friend Ellen (z’l) in the Penn Sweatshirt and sunglasses last year. Time goes too fast. I’d like 5 more minutes with my friend.

How naïve we are as young people. We think we are indestructible. We think we will live forever. We think nothing bad will happen. I would love to go back and use the pause button as my grandparents’ beach cottage every summer with extended family. I want to use the pause button on our family Thanksgiving touch football games and our family Passover whiffle ball games, especially when my grandparents would play in one way or another. I’d use the pause button when we celebrated both sets of grandparents 50^th wedding anniversaries on the same cruise and when we celebrated my parents 50^th wedding anniversary on another cruise. I’d hit the pause button on all the time I spent with my cousin Eric growing up together. I’d pause my wedding and honeymoon. I’d use it when my kids, Evan and Matthew, were little to get more of them as small children. When I look at the pictures that we have of them when they were both under 6, I wonder where the time went and how it went so quickly.

Family picture on my parents 50th anniversary cruise

My parents and their grandchildren as we celebrated their 50th anniversary.

The family in Curacao at the oldest synagogue in the western hemisphere. We had so much fun together celebrating my parents.

My cousin Eric and me at ‘the cottage’ cooking breakfast. We had amazing times together and at the cottage before his early passing. We had life plans that never happened.

While we don’t have a real life pause button, we do have the ability to treasure every moment and not miss them. I think of driving Evan to Tennessee to start graduate school and his college football coaching career and how I treasured every minute of the drive, moving him in, and shopping for the things he needed. I think of the times I went on college recruiting trips with Evan and when I took Matthew to visit and explore potential colleges. Going to theater with my wife and Matthew, sporting events with Evan and Matthew, and our special fantasy baseball ‘Get Together’ weekends with our ICBL brothers each year and smile as the memories are vivid and I enjoyed every minute. Recently I attended my friend Jeremy’s wedding and had the honor of officiating their marriage. Every minute of the time we all spent together was special and treasured. We have the ability to step back, slow down, and appreciate the gifts we have in our life. Too often, we look back and realize ‘we missed it’. I made the decision when my dad died that I wasn’t going to miss anything any longer. It was the experience that taught me the importance of time and how to treasure it. To live life as if there was a pause button so I appreciate all the moments.

Jeremy and me before the wedding. A memory I will never forget.

Evan, Matthew and me on the field before the game at Ben Hill Griffin Stadium during a recruiting vist to UF.

Alison, Matthew, Carla, and me at the Orlando Ballet’s performance of the Nutcracker. These are highlights we take advantage of while we can.

At eighteen, turned my helmet in and walked to the fifty-yard line. Just the coach and me after we lost eighteen to nine. And I cried, “Man, next time to get in here, I’ll have to buy a ticket. Can’t you give me five more minutes?”

My oldest son Evan played high school football and started all four years. We went to football camps together his last two years of high school. As a family, we didn’t miss games and the opportunity to watch him play. I’ll never forget his last high school football game as we walked the field arm in arm, as he was honored on senior night. I’ll never forget the look on his face after the game, a big win, and the connection he had with his coach. I remember the feeling I had at that moment, knowing I would never watch him play high school football again and that not only was his life changing, but mine was as well. We stayed on the field after the game for a long time to soak up every minute we could. And I remember thinking as we walked off the field how I wish I could have had just a little more time, just five more minutes, of that experience as it ended forever. When he told me that he had decided not to continue playing college football and instead wanted to start his coaching career early, while he was in college, I was devastated. He was fine with his decision and didn’t regret ending one stage and moving onto the next step in his career. I wasn’t ready. I was looking forward to watching him play, to celebrating his achievements, and struggled with the way it was changing my life. I was still able to watch him coach at UCF and then in high school and with the semi-pro Orlando law enforcement/first responders’ team. It was still an awesome experience, but a very different one. As he started his professional career coaching college football, it was an incredible experience watching him coach.

Evan and Coach Carter sharing emotion after his final high school game.

Evan and Coach Carter. A great mentor

Evan tackling as a freshman. His first tackle ever was NBA star Dejounte Murray.

Family picture on the field after his freshman season

Evan played in the band at halftime 3 of his 4 years of varsity football. This was a classic – we need more cowbell! Matthew is in the back as they played in the band together.

Evan in uniform at UCF

Evan in the locker room before the game

Evan with his conference championship ring. A forever treasure.

Evan snapping in practice. He was a great long snapper.

***Evan with the UCF conference championship trophy. What a memory***

***Evan as the head coach of the Orlando Guardians of the National Public Safety Football League. They played teams like FDNY and the Chicago Fire Department.***

Watching Matthew, my younger son, graduate high school was another seminal moment. I would now only have kids in college. Attending his graduation, Magna Cum Laude, from Seminole State, was an incredible experience. When he graduates UCF in another year, I will no longer have any kids in college. It’s another major life transition and when he moves out of the house as well, I know I will want 5 more minutes of kids living in my house. It’s another reminder of how precious time is and how important it is not to waste the time we have.

Matthew graduation night – he graduated Magna Cum Laude, truly impressive.

I was invited to the White House Hanukkah party in 2022. Matthew came with me and we had a great time. Another special moment we will both remember forever.

At eighty-six, my grandpa said, “There’s angels in the room.” All the family gathered ‘round, knew the time was comin’ soon. With so much left to say I prayed, “Lord, I ain’t finished. Just give us five more minutes.”

My dad died on September 6, 2022. I had gotten him moved to Advent Health about three weeks prior and my mom moved in with us while he was in the hospital. I visited him every day while he was in the hospital and got to spend quality time with my mom every morning and evening. Those three weeks are precious to me, both for the time I spent with my dad and the time I spent with my mom. When I think of them, I tear up, because they were some of the most meaningful days of my life. I look back at some of the pictures from those three weeks and smile with a mixture of happiness and sadness. My dad eating real food I had delivered when he got out of ICU into a private room – I can still hear him talking about how good it was because the hospital food was so bad. The picture of him and my mom walking hand in hand in the hospital hallway. They were married for 56 years and together for 65+. The last picture I took of my dad, lying in his bed, with a sweet smile on his face. I remember kissing him goodnight, telling him I loved him and would see him in the morning. My mom got the call from the hospital around 1:30 am that morning that he had died. We went to the hospital together and sat with him, just the three of us, while we waited until it was not too early to call my brother and my sister as well as my Aunt Sheila, his sister. Writing about it brings tears to my eyes once again.

When I look at this picture, I can hear my dad’s voice talking about how good the food was and how much he enjoyed it. I’m forever grateful for the opportunity I had the last 3 weeks of his life.

My mom and dad walking the hospital hallway. So many special moments during those 3 weeks that I will treasure forever.

The last picture I took of my dad. He looked so sweet and peaceful. I gave him a kiss, told him I loved him and that I’d see him the next morning. He died a few hours later. Every time I look at this picture it brings tears to my eyes. How I wish I could have 5 more minutes.

As we sat in the room with him after he had died, I remember wishing I just had one more chance to talk with him, to tell him again how much I loved him, to be able to ask his advice and hear his wisdom and knowing that would never be possible. I wanted those five more minutes. I have no regrets with my dad, I just wanted more. I wanted those five more minutes. And today, there are plenty of times when I want to pick up the phone and call him, talk for five minutes, and pick his brain and get his advice. Once again, it’s an example of the precious nature of time.

I choose to invest my time with my family. With my sons, my wife, my mom, siblings and siblings-in-law. I want to do my part to ensure that when the time comes, my children have no regrets. They don’t wish they had just done something more with me. They don’t regret missing out spending time together.

Celebrating my mom’s birthday with the family. I don’t miss these opportunities.

The family celebrating Alison’s 50th birthday

Dancing with my mom at a family Bar Mitzvah.

I think of the lost time with my family members who died too young. My Uncle Joe. My cousins Eric and Todd. I think of the time missed with my friends who have died in the past few years and how they won’t be around any longer. I always think of my dad, who died in September 2022, and who I miss daily. We have no guarantees in life, and we get to choose our priorities. I’ve reached a place in my life where my priorities have shifted. It’s far more rewarding to do what I can to minimize the impact of wanting those five more minutes at the end.

Yeah, sometimes this ol’ life will leave you wishin’. That you had five more minutes. Five more minutes.

Priorities are the key. We live in a culture that values money, status, and titles. We often sacrifice things like time with family and friends in our effort to make money, obtain a better title, or because our identity is tied to our job. In the end, like the song says, those priorities “will leave you wishin’ that you had five more minutes.” Our society puts pressure on us to meet their priorities. Over the past 18 months, since my dad got sick and then died, I have been reviewing my priorities. Asking myself what is really important. What do I really value? It’s been a complete reset in many areas.

October 7^th only highlighted this even more. I have seen the 47-minute Hamas video and it’s horrifying. I have four friends who had family members taken hostage. Of the 6 hostages, 4 have been released. There are still 2 held by Hamas, now for 126 days. I have friends who lost family members at the music festival. Friends who lost family serving in the IDF. Friends who are serving or have children currently serving in the IDF, worried every day about their safety. I wear my dogtags every day. My Magen David (star of David) every day. I put a new piece of masking tape on my shirt, over my heart, every day, updating the number of days the hostages have been kept.

Besides being a great song, Five More Minutes teaches an important lesson. It reminds us that in the end, all we really want is more time. No matter how much money we may have, no matter how much power and influence we may have, no matter what our titles are or what we have accomplished in our careers, the one thing we all want is just five more minutes. At the end of the day, we have the choice to set our priorities. I choose to do what I can to want, but not need, those five more minutes.

The voices we hear

Posted on January 24, 2024January 24, 2024 by Keith Dvorchik

A number of years ago, when I lived in Gainesville FL, I was exposed to the idea of spending an hour with others learning about and talking about Jewish biblical stories. Three of us began having lunch once a week while we talked about learned about the book of Daniel for months. It was interesting, fascinating, fun, social, and a meaningful use of time. Unlike my Hebrew School experience growing up, this had real value and I truly enjoyed it. It’s something I have continued, on and off, for the past decade. Over the last few months, I have found a wonderful partner to study and learn with, and we spend an hour each week focusing on the weekly parsha (the part of the Torah we read each week) and digging into what some of the great Jewish commentators throughout the generations had to say. More importantly, we then talk about what we think it means to us. Frequently, I challenge him and he pushes back. We go back and forth sharing our thoughts, opinions, interpretations, until we come to some consensus about what it means for us in 2024. It’s a wonderful hour each week that I both look forward to, thoroughly enjoy, and think about the rest of the week as I apply these lessons in my daily life.

As I’ve previously written about, recently I have been obsessed with country music, the lyrics and stories that are told, and what it means to me. Similar to what I do weekly with my friend the Rabbi, many of the lyrics of these songs speak to lessons to improve my life. And sometimes, the song will trigger something from my Jewish learning as well. That’s what happened this weekend.

Once again, an old song was new to me. Voices by Chris Young came out in 2008. I discovered it in 2024. The lyrics spoke to me in a different way after last week’s hour of conversation. Here are some of the lyrics and some of my takeaways.

I hear voices. I hear voices like

My dad sayin’: ‘Work that job. But don’t work your life away.”

When I hear that line, I think of my dad. That work is important, however it is a means to an end, not the end. That nobody is going to put ‘he worked very hard’ on your tombstone but they will talk about the type of person you and what you mean to other people. The lessons he taught me about the place of work, values, and family. I can’t count how many times he would talk to us about family and how important it is. How it is everything. My parents showed it in their actions. Holidays were for extended family, and I have close relationships with my cousins because it wasn’t just about our immediate family. My kids laugh because they say that sometimes they aren’t sure who we are really related to and who are such close friends that we call them Aunt, Uncle, Cousin, Sister, Brother. I have aunts and uncles that really cousins. I have aunts and uncles who are lifelong friends of my parents. I have brothers and sisters who aren’t related to me by blood but are family by choice. I have nieces and nephews that are really cousins. It doesn’t matter what the blood relationship is or isn’t, what matters is the relationship that we build. On my birthday this past year, my niece Rylee, who is 3 years old and technically a cousin by marriage once removed (we never use that language in my family) called and sang Happy Birthday to me on my voicemail. It was the sweetest message I have gotten in years. I called her back to say thank you and she promptly sang it again. It was the highlight of my day. Nothing at work will give you that feeling. So don’t work your life away. Its far too short and there are far too many beautiful moments you will miss.

My adorable ‘niece’ Rylee who sang me Happy Birthday.

And mama tellin’ me to drop cash in the offerin’ plate on Sunday

I was taught by my grandparents and my parents from a very early age the importance of Tzedakah, giving charity to help others. We had the blue JNF box that we always put coins in, especially on Friday night before Shabbat. Giving of our time, talent, and treasure was something my grandparents did, my parents did, and I learned to do. It’s something I have taught my children. We have an obligation as human beings to help those who need it. It’s why I fell in love with the acts of random kindness. It takes nothing to hold a door, let somebody go in front of you, wait patiently, or many other acts of kindness. When my kids and I go out for breakfast on Christmas day (usually Waffle House because they are open), I have begun to do my special Christmas day gift tip – whatever the amount of the bill is what I also tip. The server is working on Christmas, likely because they need the money to support their family. I’m privileged enough to not work and to be able to go out to breakfast with my kids. It’s a small, nice thing to do that likely makes their entire day. Random acts of kindness can change the lives of those that we do them for. So give a little of your time, talent, and treasure to help others. Not only will you change their lives, you will feel so much better because you are making the world a better place, one random act of kindness at a time.

One of my favorite pieces of art by Joanne Fink. A reminder of the importance of Kindness

And grandad sayin’ “You can have a few, but don’t ever cross that line.”

One of my mom’s favorite sayings has been “Pigs get fed, hogs get slaughtered.” What she was teaching us is that there is a limit to everything before bad things happen. Unlike the famous Gordon Gecko line from Wall Street that was a calling card to my 1980s generation, ‘Greed is good’, what my mom was teaching us is that greed is NOT good. Greed gets you in trouble. Excess desires take you places that you don’t really want to go. Decisions made on greed or the desire for more than you need end up with disastrous results.

Balance is the key to life. We hear it all the time. ‘I don’t have any work-life balance’. I struggle to balance my wants with my income. Too many people don’t set aside money for retirement, balancing the need for the future with the need for now. What good is working hard and missing out on your children growing up, on the relationship with your spouse? Covid stole two years of time with my parents from me, time I will never get back. Why? Because I worked too much and too hard to get through that time. For what? To lose my dad in September 2022?

My mom, dad, Evan and me at the UCF-USF game. Treasured memories worth everything

I think more about my mom’s message now than ever before. What do I need? And what do I really want? The material things that drove me to want more, more, more are meaningless. I want more time with my kids. More time with my family. In the summer of 2023, we almost lost our 13 year old dog Bella. It was a miracle she survived. I treasure the time with her now. Where before when she would climb on my lap and I was working I would get annoyed, now I simply set the work aside and welcome this 75 lb dog into my lap.

Bella laying on my lap – a daily occurance that I love.

Bella loves to lay out in the yard

Our sweet little girl

So as you choose what matters to you, remember to have a few but not cross that line. Remember that pigs get fed and hogs get slaughtered. Remember that you have control of balance in your life unless you give it away. And remember what is really important. It’s always possible to make more money and get more things. There will also be something newer, something shinier, something just a little bit better than what you have. But you can never get back time. Time is the ultimate treasure.

Yeah I hear voices all the time. Turns out I’m pretty dang lucky, for all that good advice. Those hard-to-find words of wisdom, holed up here in my mind And just when I’ve lost my way, or I’ve got too many choices, I hear voices.

I am lucky. I hear the voices of my Great Grandma Rose, my Grandma Esther and Grandpa Si, my Grandma Evie and Grandpa Lenny. I hear the voice of my dad the most. And of course, my mom, who is not only the voice in my mind, but on the phone and in person. The things they taught me and powerful and core to my life. They continue to guide me, even though most have been gone for more than 20 years.

Grandpa Len, Grandma Evie, me, my brother, Grandma Esther, and Grandpa Si

I have written before about how I discovered studying in chavruta (two people learning together) and how meaningful it is. For the past 4 months or so I have been learning with Rabbi Ehrenkranz. One of the things that I often struggle with, and we regularly discuss is when it seems that God is being ‘vindictive’ or ‘petty’ in his statements. It’s not how I envision God and I have a hard time understanding when the text says things that I interpret that way. Last week had another instance of this, so once again we discussed and debated. What I came to understand is that God is like our parent. He wants the best for us and provides guidance on how to live life. As a parent, he sets guidelines, expectations, and provides consequences. It’s actually not that he’s being vindictive or petty, but rather caring. The lessons he tells us can be voices we hear as well. A voice that tells us how to choose right over wrong. How to behave. What to do. Another guide when we’ve lost our way to help us get back where we need to be. After 15 minutes of back and forth, I found this explanation to be comforting and a different way to interpret the language.

Learning with Rabbi Ehrenkranz. It’s a fun hour every week.

Whenever I have lost my way or am overwhelmed with too many choices, it is these voices that help me. These are the lessons that I learned from them that resonate in my mind. I can close my eyes and see and hear the person who taught me the lesson, reminding me of it once again. I truly am lucky to have had these special people in my life who not only taught me important lessons but continue to teach me throughout my life.

I hear voices, lke my dad sayin’ “Quit that team, and you’d be a quitter for the rest of your life.”

Commitment and dedication. Two very important concepts that have always been a part of my family and something that we were taught growing up. Finish what you start. Don’t start it if you aren’t going to finish it. Have integrity. Behave as if your words and actions will be on the front page of the NY Times.

Reliable and Dependable. Two more important concepts that were ingrained in me from a young age. If you aren’t reliable and aren’t dependable, you won’t have integrity. If you say you are going to do something, then do it. From 1992-1995 I worked for the Florida Department of Corrections in mental health. I worked in two different prisons. One was minimum security, the other closed custody (maximum security) and the home of Florida’s Death Row. I learned there to never make a promise I couldn’t deliver on. When I said I would do something, I did it. I earned the respect of the inmates because I didn’t promise them things that I wouldn’t do. I learned to be very clear about making promises and commitments.

My parents and grandparents always told me there is a right way to do things and taught and urged me to always do it that way. Commitment, dedication, reliability, dependability, and integrity – all incredibly important and things I believe in because of the people who’s voices I hear.

And mama tellin’ me to say a prayer, every time I lay down at night.

Prayer is something I grew up with. We went to synagogue almost every Saturday morning. I went to Jewish Day School for a year (it wasn’t for me). We had Shabbat dinner with kiddush and motzi every Friday night. I went to Jewish overnight summer camp (Both Camp Ramah in the Poconos and Camp Airy). I knew the prayers, knew the tunes, but didn’t know what it meant. As a result, it didn’t really have much meaning to me. I think it was summed up best by an IDF soldier on our birthright bus many years ago. After services on Friday night, we were talking as a group and he asked, “So you know the words?”. We answered, ‘Yes.’ Then he asked, “and you know the melodies?” We answered, ‘Yes.’ Then he asked, “but you don’t know what it means?” We answered, ‘yes, we don’t.’ He said, “I don’t understand!”

In college I began to explore a meaningful way to get involved with prayer. It wasn’t easy and took a long time to find a meaningful way to pray and what to pray for. Should I really be asking God for things? Would he really pay attention to my prayers, especially if I was asking for things I wanted? Didn’t he know what was best for me? Over the past nearly 40 years, I have learned my own way to meaningfully connect with God. It involves prayer and meditation. It involves my own conversations with God and connecting with nature. It involves some traditionally Jewish things like putting on tefillin (not every day but regularly). It’s lighting the Yahrzeit candle for my father. Similar to the lyrics of the song, I take a minute to thank God every morning and every evening for the life I get to live.

About 20 years ago, I began exploring spirituality with a friend of mine, Mickey Singer. Some of you may know him as Michael A. Singer, the author of The Untethered Soul and The Surrender Experiment. I consider Mickey my spiritual advisor as he challenges me to think differently about my relationship with God. For the past 20 years, he has nudged and encouraged me to explore my relationship with God in a different way. If you haven’t read his books, I highly recommend them. He also gives a few talks a week and they are posted on the website for Temple of the Universe.

Mickey Singer, my spiritual advisor and friend.

In my weekly chavruta, we discuss prayer a lot. God doesn’t need us to pray to him, he’s God. So why do we do it? What’s the point? If he doesn’t need it, why bother? They are interesting conversations and so much of what we discuss relates to remembering who is really in charge and what is our role and responsibility. It ties in with what Mickey has taught and teaches me. And just like the lyrics say, it’s important to do it regularly and consistently.

And grandma sayin’ “if you find the one, you better treat her right.”

One of my favorite stories about my Grandma Esther happened a few years before she died. She wanted to be a great-grandmother more than anything. So, she started bugging me about getting married and having kids so she’d be a great-grandmother. I told her that I didn’t have to get married to make her a great grandmother. The look on her face was priceless and one I’ll ever forget, as she quickly replied, “I can wait.”

Grandma Esther. I keep this picture on my mantle.

Both my grandfathers and my father showed me how important this is through their actions. Grandpa Len would get up early, go to the JCC for a swim and schvitz (steam room) and then come home to have breakfast with Grandma Evie. Every day. Without fail. After Grandma Evie died, I used to go visit Grandpa Len on Sundays. We’d go to whatever organization was having their pancake breakfast, have fun and laugh, and then go back to his house and put on football. Most of the time we would take a little snooze (nap) during the games. I’ll never forget one day there was a boxing match on. He told me how much he loved watching boxing but that my grandmother didn’t like it so for their entire 55+ year marriage, he chose not to watch boxing because he’d rather be with her than watch boxing. It’s a lesson I will never forget.

Grandpa Len and Granda Evie

Grandpa Si taught me a powerful lesson as well, one that I used to tease him about sharing with my wife. He said that early in their marriage, he and Grandma Esther figured out a great way to resolve any arguments. When they agreed, he got his way. When they disagreed, she got her way. It was a powerful lesson in the importance of being happy instead of being right. In their 55+ year marriage, they lived by that rule. I regularly ask myself if I’d rather be happy or be right. I have decided that I’d always rather be happy.

Grandpa Si was always teaching me something

My parents were married for 55 years. But they were together for a decade before they got married. After my dad died, his sister, my Aunt Sheila, talked about how it was always “Susie and Barry”. There is a famous story about my parents getting engaged and their cousin said, “they can’t get married!” When asked why, she said, “Because they are related.” My parents were a true partnership and they talked to us about it all growing up.

My parents wedding photo

Mom and Dad

You can see how much my mom and dad loved each other

In a world where divorce is far too common, the lyrics of the song ring true. When you find the one, you better treat them right.

Yeah I hear voices all the time. Sometimes I try to ignore ‘em, but I thank God for ‘em. ‘Cause they made me who I am.

There is no doubt that I am the person I am today because of the lessons from my grandparents, my parents, some aunts and uncles (both blood and those I call aunt and uncle) and my mentors. Understand and appreciating that is so important. As my children are now in their 20s, I hope they listen to their voices – their grandparents, their parents, their aunts and uncles and their mentors. We get so much wisdom from those close to us and whether we know it or not, it embeds in our brains.

I no longer try to ignore those voices. Perhaps its from the lessons I’ve learned from Mickey about my relationship with God. Perhaps it’s years of learning to pray and meditate in a way that is meaningful to me. Perhaps it’s the daily meditation and focus on gratitude for the life I get to live. I’m not really sure about the why and it doesn’t really matter. What matters is listening to them and their wisdom. What matters is being teachable.

I have written a lot about my struggles since October 7^th. I’ve tried to express it in many different ways. I recently watched the music video of the original song “OK” by John Ondrasik, known by Five for Fighting. He’s not Jewish however this song and video is about not just October 7^th but the feelings afterwards. It expressed what I have struggled to do. It’s a powerful video and there is a warning in the beginning. I suggest you watch it and leave a comment on this post about your experience.

Watch it on YouTube – it has some graphic video from October 7th in it.

The song has become another voice I hear, helping me cope with the trauma of October 7^th and everything that has followed.

I treasure the voices I hear not just for their lessons but also for who’s voices they are. It brings this wonderful people back to life on a regular basis. And my life is better because of their lessons that they keep teaching me.

Live Like You are Dying

Posted on January 1, 2024 by Keith Dvorchik

I am the first to admit that I am not up on the newest trends. Whether it’s fashion, movies, language, or music, I am always late to the table. Recently I discovered the Tim McGraw song Live Like You are Dying that was released in 2004 (only 20 years behind the times!) that of course was the #1 song on the US Country Billboard chart for 7 weeks. Like I said, I’m behind the times.

As we enter a new year, 2024, the lyrics struck me deeply as a guide for how to live my life. The song was written by Tim Nichols and Craig Wiseman who based it on family and friends who learned of illnesses (cancers), and how they often had a new perspective on life upon learning they had limited time.

When one person asks the other what they did with this news, their answer was simple, beautiful, and powerful. The answer is:

I went skydiving, I went Rocky Mountain climbing I went 2.7 seconds on a bull named Fumanchu.
And I loved deeper, and I spoke sweeter, and I gave forgiveness I’d been denying.

What an inspiration. Upon learning of a potential life ending medical condition, their decision was to invest in life. To invest in living every moment possible. To do the things they always wanted. To feel the exhilaration of life. I find myself wondering why it took the diagnosis to make the investment in life. Why do we often wait until it is too late to do the things that we really want or that really matter?

Often times we put the things that society values in front of living. We feel the need to work more, have more money, more things, a nicer car, a bigger house. It often takes a major life event for us to realize our priorities are in the wrong place. Would my life be any less if I drove a less expensive car? Had a less expensive house? Wore less expensive clothes or jewelry?

In Bali I did the swing and it was incredible. I’ve been skydiving. It’s important to do the things that are fun in life.

Horseback riding on the beach in Netanya, Israel with my friend Remo. These opportunities come up for all of us and we need to remember not to miss them.

The next line in song is haunting.

Someday I hope you get the chance to live like you were dying.

We get this chance every single day. Do we want to be home for dinner with the family or work that extra hour or two? Do we want to take our children to their doctor appointment, watch their sporting events, plays, recitals, and concerts or spend more time working, accumulating ‘things’. Why do we have to hope that “someday” we will get this change when we have it every single day.

The second verse talks about the person they want to be. As I read the lyrics, it reminded me of the things that are really important to me.

I was finally the husband that most of the time I wasn’t, and I became a friend a friend would like to have. And all of a sudden going fishin’ wasn’t such an imposition and I went three times that year I lost my dad. Well, I finally read the Good Book, and I took a good, long, hard look at what I’d do if I could do it all again

Fishing with Evan and my nephews Nick and Caden. It was a fun day, especially because I caught all the fish! Memories are priceless.

The past 15 months have been life changing for me. My father died in September 2022. We had a very close relationship and the last few weeks of his life I got to be there for him on a daily basis. The ability to do that was one I will always treasure. His passing started a process of self-evaluation and reflection that continues today.

When my children were little, I had the flexibility to take them to their doctor appointments and almost always did. I didn’t miss a performance or sporting event. As they got older and my travel requirements for work changed, I began missing some things when I was out of town however, I did my best to schedule around their appointments and events. A friend of mine gave me wise advice when my children were little. He said, “Every age is the best.” As such, I wanted to fully engage with them at every age and through every phase.

There came a 3-year period of time when work was overwhelming, and I was not able to engage this way. I remember how I felt during that time period and how much I didn’t like it. I remember feeling like I was not the father I wanted to be. I was not setting the example that I wanted for my children. I was not being the person that I wanted to be. So, I made a change.

The past years have been filled with time invested with my family. I have incredible memories I have with both of my children are ones that will last a lifetime. The time visiting colleges for football recruiting with my oldest. Friday night lights watching him play football in high school and then with UCF and coaching high school football. The spent with my younger son at Jaguars games and theater at the Dr. Phillips Center. Eating dinner as a family. Holiday celebrations together. Birthday traditions, family vacations.

At the UFC fight – it’s become a tradition for Evan, Matthew and me to go.

Matthew and me at the 2022 White House Hanukkah Party. A memory with stories we will always remember

I had the chance to take my nephew Jacob to the Braves-Mets game in Citi Field. Time together is irreplaceable.

On the drive to Tennesse to move Evan in to start as a GA coaching football at Tusculum College, he wanted a little detour to stop at the University of South Carolina football stadium. Worth every minute of the detour.

At my father’s funeral, my brother, sister, and I all spoke about him. None of us talked about how much he worked. None of us talked about the material things that we had. It wasn’t important that we didn’t have the most expensive home, car, or clothes. We talked about the person my dad was. We talked about the time we spent with him. We told stories about him and the impact he had on our lives and the lives of our friends. I wrote in a previous blog how my dad told somebody that he wasn’t afraid of dying. He was just sad about the things he would be missing. I truly believe that is because when he “took a good, long, hard look at what I’d do if I could do it all again” he found little that he would do differently when it came to his family. He was ‘a friend a friend would want like to have’ and inspires me to make sure that I am as well.

Evan with my longtime friend Darryl. Darryl is a college football coach and has served as a mentor to Evan. A friend a friend would want.

The final verse of the song teaches me to do it now, not wait. The lyrics state:

Like tomorrow was a gift and you’ve got eternity to think about what you’d do with it.
What could you do with it? What did I do with it? What would I do with it?

I decided years ago that I didn’t want to live with regret. I never wanted to look aback on my life and regret missing out on things. As my oldest is almost 24 and living his dream as a college football coach (graduate assistant) in Tennessee and my youngest is 21 and finishing his Junior year at UCF, I look back at time when they were young without regrets. I took advantage of the time with them to fully immerse myself in being there. I was cautioned by others to take advantage when they still wanted me around because the day would come when they didn’t any longer. I’ve been blessed that they still want me around. That we still do things and go places together. That my oldest wants me to come to watch him coach. That my youngest wants to go to sporting events, concerts, the theater with me. That they both want to go on vacation with their parents.

Evan, Matthew and me the night before he coached in the conference championship game. I wouldn’t trade the 10 hours each way with Matthew or the chance to watch Evan coach for anything.

Alison, Matthew, Carla and me at the Orlando Ballet performance of the Nutcracker. Going to the theater and the arts have become a fun thing for us.

A song that starts with a cancer diagnosis sounds depressing. Yet this one is inspiring. Not because the person survives – we don’t know that outcome. But we do know that they chose to live. They chose to take advantage of every day they have on earth with people.

As we start 2024, I renew my commitment to living in the moment. To not having regrets. To set my priorities and have them in line with my values. To live like I am dying.

I hope you do too.

Fast Times, Memories, and Lessons (plus Happy Sylvester)

Posted on December 31, 2023 by Keith Dvorchik

It’s the last day of 2023 – Happy New Year! (Happy Sylvester for those who know). My 13 year old dog Bella woke me up early to eat her breakfast and go outside. After taking care of her needs and brewing a pot of coffee, I sat down and turned on the television. One of my favorite movies, Fast Times at Ridgemont High, was on, so I had to watch it. It immediately brought back memories.

Fast Times chronicles high school in the early 80’s. It’s the story of my adolescence. At different times I can relate with Brad, Spicoli, Rat, and Damone. We knew who was Linda, who was Stacy, and who was Lisa. Certainly we all had a teacher like Mr. Hand. The hair, clothes, language, teachers, cars, and situations bring me right back to being in high school. The friends and the fun we had, all while looking forward to our amazing futures in college, with careers, and the unlimited opportunities ahead of us. It was the 1980s, so capitalism was king. Everybody believed they would become incredibly successful and wealthy. We had no limits ahead of us.

Hanging out in somebody’s basement. Life was good and the future was bright for all of us.

It’s hard to believe that was about 40 years ago. As I think back over the past approximately 40 years, I wonder where the time has gone. I still feel like that 15–17-year-old high school kid most of the time, even though my own children are much older than that. I still feel like I have that amazing future in front of me even though I also recognize that nearly 2/3 of my life is now behind me.

Lately I have been thinking a lot about those times. I attended two high schools. My freshman and sophomore year were at Susquehanna in Harrisburg, PA. Then we moved to the Philadelphia area where I finished high school at Upper Dublin. My Susquehanna friends were friends from elementary, middle, and high school where we had a long history of growing up together. My friends from Upper Dublin were forged from the power of the last two years of high school and coming of age together. I moved to Florida in 1992 and lost contact with many of them until social media gave us the opportunity to reconnect many years later.

My high school classmates have had lives that cross the entire spectrum. Unfortunately, some died tragic deaths at a young age. I think of them and what they missed in life often, grateful for my own life experiences. Some of them have been wildly financially successful, earning generational wealth. Most of us have lived lives filled with meaning, getting through the ups and downs that life brings us. We have faced challenges and successes, often with dignity and sometimes without. Yet here we are, about to enter 2024, just like we entered our senior year of high school back in 1984. Looking forward to what life brings us. I went back and found some pictures of us. Some aged well and some, well, let’s say they just aged.

Half of our graduating class. Try to find me – it definitely didn’t age well.

The other half of our class.

A group of us got to spend a month in England in November 1984. Feel free to write about my timeless look in the comments.

One of our favorite pictures from England as we got to dress in ancestral clothes

A group of us before prom. Perfectly 1980s

I was active in BBYO – most in this picture still keep in touch today.

Toga parties were the thing back then

One of my dear friends died of breast cancer this year. She was a few months older than me, we graduated high school together, and kept in touch through the years. Our lives followed similar paths. Careers, marriage, children, family. Meaningful lives that we could be proud of. And then cancer struck. She beat it once, but it came back and won the second time. A .500 average in baseball would mean a unanimous Hall of Fame career. A sad outcome in life. We spoke a few months before her passing and while there seemed to be a resignation in her voice, she remained hopeful for the future. When I think of her, I am always shocked that she is really gone and we won’t be able to share pictures, laughs, and the joy of our children’s accomplishments. We won’t be able to reminisce about ‘the good old days’ and laugh out loud at how ridiculous we were.

My dad died in 2022. A few months ago, my mom told me a story that she had just recently heard from the person who was in the ambulance with him as he was transferred from a hospital in Tampa to Advent Health in Orlando. He told this person that he wasn’t afraid of dying. He just was sad about all that he would miss. I think about his wisdom and insight all the time since my mom shared that story with me. And how much he has missed in just over a year. And how much he will miss and how much we miss him. It brings tears to my eyes every single time.

My dad, Evan and me on the field at Ben Hill Griffin stadium before a game during Evan’s football recruiting. One of my treasured memories as I watched my dad kvell over his grandson.

It reminds me that time is our most precious commodity and the only thing we can’t get back. In 2013 when our moving truck caught fire and burned and we lost our material possessions, so many people reached out because of the loss. Yet while we were saddened to have lost things that we loved; they were all replaceable. And in my ‘proof God exists’ moment, the only things that weren’t lost in the moving fire were the things that couldn’t be replaced with any amount of money. Things that came from our grandparents. Our ketubah (Jewish marriage certificate). Picture albums from my bar mitzvah, from our wedding, from when the kids were babies. We can make more money, get another car, buy a different house or move to a different apartment, get new clothes, furniture, or other material things. What we can’t get back is time.

The smell of smoke and burned things is fresh for me when I look at these pictures more than 10 years later.

So, as we end 2023 and begin 2024, I hope this is a year focused on people. On friends and loved ones. I have enjoyed reconnecting with my high school friends and seeing what their lives are like. Enjoying their work and life accomplishments. Seeing pictures of their grandchildren (I’m far too young to have grandchildren). Watching their children graduate college, get married, have B’nai mitzvahs, and their major career changes. Sharing stories both online and in person with each other, reminding ourselves of these special time that while long gone feel like yesterday. I appreciate these friendships more every day and how we are able to help each other or our friends and families just because we want to and are able to.

Just a few weeks ago, somehow the topic of a party I threw in early 1983 came up. The comments made me laugh as the memories of that crazy night came back. And of course, the next morning when I was busted by my parents and the punishment that came afterwards. Yet, 40 years later, I don’t regret it and love the memories we all share.

As we think about our goals for the new year, I urge you to think about the ones that are truly important. They are not going to put that you ‘worked 50 hours a week’ on your tombstone. Nobody in their eulogy is going to celebrate that you ingnored your friends and family to work those extra hours. You will be celebrated for the things that you showed up to, not the things you missed to earn money. Think about the friendships from years ago and from today. Think about what is really priceless and what is just transactional. Invest your time and energy in the right place for an unbelievable return. As I do that, I wanted to share some pictures from this past year that re priceless to me. Because family and community is what is truly priceless to me.

My mom, brother, sister and me the day before my dad’s unveiling.

At the Orlando ballet with my son Matthew, his girlfriend Carla, and my wife Alison

Matthew and me at the Jaguars game – special father son time

Matthew and me watching my son Evan coach in the championship game for Tusculum College

Evan on the field before the conference championship game. Matthew and I are in the stands watching and cheering on Tusculum.

Matthew, Carla and me at the theater. Usually it’s Alison but when she has to work, Carla takes her place

Alison and me on vacation in Bali

Evan in his happy place – coaching college football. I’m so grateful he found his passion and is pursuing it.

Traveling to DC with a group from Orlando to join the 300,000 people who rallied in support of Israel after the horrors Hamas committed on October 7, 2023. I’m proud to be one of the people who were there.

	hachlum on The Jewish Problem of people l…
	Samra Gotlib on The Jewish Problem of people l…
	Mark Glassman on The Jewish Problem of people l…
	Joshua Fogelson on The Jewish Problem of people l…
	Samra Gotlib on Bondi Beach: The end of these…

keithdblog

Tag: life