Tag: childhood

The journey of life on that ‘Red Dirt Road’

Posted on by Keith Dvorchik

This week I had a number of songs that I was considering writing about.  One of the great things about music, and art in general, is that when you begin paying attention to it, there is inspiration all around.  I finally settled on a 2003 song by Brooks and Dunn called Red Dirt Road.  It’s a song about growing up in a small town, the lessons you learn in places that get burned into your mind and memory, and the dreams of youth compared to the realities of adulthood.  It seems like something worth digging into.

The song begins:

I was raised off of rural route three, out past where the blacktop ends.
We’d walk to church on Sunday morning and race barefoot back to Johnson’s fence.

That’s where I first saw Mary, on that roadside pickin’ blackberries.
That summer I turned the corner in my soul down that red dirt road.

We all grew up in different places, many of them with more similarities than differences.  Growing up in the 70s and 80s meant that we spent a lot of time outside, riding bikes to friends’ houses, playing in the streets, at the creek, in the woods – whatever we could discover.  It didn’t matter where you were raised, there was always a place where the blacktop ended, where there were fences to jump, fields to play in, dirt to roll around in, mud to get all over you.  And as we played outside, there was usually a spark with somebody that got you interested in being more than just friends.  That initial spark, as they sing about, turned a corner in our soul as we went from children to young adults.  And that first spark, that first love, that first interest in somebody else, likely impacted the rest of our lives as we searched for that partner to spend our lives with.

There are many of these type of moments in our lives in which that first spark is created that drives an interest we keep for the rest of our lives.  I still remember my first NY Yankees game at the Stadium in 1976.  It was electric.  There was excitement in the air.  It felt special and when the Yankees won in the bottom of the 9th I was completely hooked on baseball, the Yankees, and Yankee Stadium.  Nearly 50 years later that hasn’t changed.  I still love going to baseball games and taking my family.  My kids are big baseball fans because of the spark that I had in 1976 and the desire for them to find that same spark as they grew up. 

Yankee Stadium in 1976
Yankee stadium with Evan – I took both kids on their own trips
Yankee Stadium with Matthew on his trip. My brother Lawrence and niece Hannah joined us for one game

While neither are Yankee fans now, I had my moments when they were little

I remember the spark that turned into a career.  That first fundraising gift that I closed.  The excitement of what it was going to enable to happen.  How that would change the lives of other people.  25 years later, I still get that rush when I have the opportunity to raise money to do something that will change lives.  What it feels like to do something that changes lives.  Hearing from people the impact had on them many years later.  All coming from a spark.  Yesterday I spoke with a friend that I met nearly 25 years ago.  I have loved following his journey and am proud to have a played a small role in his life.  It was amazing to hear how much we have in common today, how that spark that was created 25 years ago has continued to grow and how we are both impacting people in different ways. 

So while Brooks and Dunn are singing about a romantic spark, they are really talking about so much more.  It’s the spark of spirts connecting beyond romance.  It’s the connections that occur when you have that organic experience.  Mary was picking blackberries.  I can think of so many other people in my life where that spark happened in other random places. 

Her daddy didn’t like me much in my shackled-up GTO
I’d sneak out in the middle of the night throw rocks at her bedroom window.
We’d turn out the headlights and drive by the moonlight
Talk about what the future might hold, down that red dirt road.

It’s never about what other people think.  Daddy didn’t like him, but it didn’t matter and didn’t stop him.  Once there is that spark and that connection, nothing stops it.  As I look at the various people in my life where that spark of connection built a lifelong relationship, it never mattered what other people thought.  It doesn’t matter about the outward differences because of that soul connection.  If I wanted to focus on the differences, I’d see people of various ages, genders, economic status, political party affiliation, religions, races, and so much more.  I have never let any of those differences interfere with that connection.

When I think of my best friends, the people who I talk with regularly, the men who I call brother, the women I call sister, it’s amazing to see the internal connection yet the external difference.  It shows that what other people think doesn’t matter.  One is an Orthodox Jew, another is Christian, yet another is almost 20 years older than me and African American and Christian, another is a gay man.  My friends are just as diverse.  Some have significant incomes, and some don’t.  Some are older, some are my age, and some are younger.  They are Jews, Muslims, Christians, Bhai, and atheist. They are my friends because of who they are on the inside, not because of who they are on the outside. The world today may tell me that we are very different, but we are not – we are connected through the soul and those differences don’t matter. 

If I were to listen to what is being said in the world today, they wouldn’t be my friends.  Just like the ‘daddy’ in the song who didn’t like him, I wouldn’t be allowed to like my friends.  I’d have to sneak around to be friends with them.  So, while the world wants us to focus on the differences, I choose to focus on the similarities.  I choose to focus on the connections I have with my friends.  I’d rather talk about the future and how our experiences can help each other get through life.  I’d rather live in a world where people are judged by who they are and how they act rather than some generic stereotype based on their religion, skin color, ethnicity, or sexual identity.  It’s a much better way to live.

It’s where I drank my first beer
It’s where I found Jesus
Where I wrecked my first car
I tore it all to pieces.

Those special places from our childhood have special meaning to us.  So much of our lives happened in those small towns, random places, with childhood friends.  There is that place we gathered to drink.  The special place to go with a date.  One of my friend’s fathers lived in an apartment and his fiancé had her own apartment.  His dad stayed at his fiancé’s apartment so that apartment became our special party place.  Nearly 40 years later we still talk about the apartment, the parties we had there, and the stories of what happened there.  The JCC in Harrisburg, PA which was a place my Jewish and non-Jewish friends would spend time.  City Island for concerts, the Susquehanna River for sailing.  There are so many special places, our red dirt roads, that will always have special meaning to me and to my childhood friends. 

These places continue throughout our lives.  There are those locations where meaningful things happened, where relationships were formed and cemented.  I moved to Gainesville in 1992 and as I made friends, those places developed.  Skeeter’s and their giant biscuits.  Our weekly group of 20 that would go to Perkins.  The weekend breakfast at 43rd Street Deli. Bill (z’l) and Rick’s (z’l) house on Monday nights for Chinese food and Northern Exposure.  So many places that are tied to powerful memories of friendship.  So many red dirt roads.


I learned the path to Heaven
Is full of sinners and believers
Learned that happiness on Earth
Ain’t just for high achievers (I learned)
I’ve come to know there’s life at both ends
Of that red dirt road.

It’s the time we spend on our own red dirt roads that teach us so much.  We build those friendships that last a lifetime.  These lessons teach us that people are people.  Throughout our life, we make mistakes and that we behave ethically.  Nobody is perfect.  The ‘path to heaven’ isn’t just for believers and doesn’t exclude sinners.  We have the ability to change and do better.  We all make mistakes.  The key question is if we learn from our mistakes.  Do we strive to improve?  Are we willing to accept the limitations and challenges put upon us or are we going to put for the effort to do better than where we began? 

The next line talks about happiness is for everybody.  It’s not just the best of the best.  We all have the right to be happy and can be happy.  The key is measuring ourselves against ourselves.  If I base my definition of success against the financial success of Bill Gates, Warren Buffet, or Jeff Bezos, I will always fall short.  I will never measure up, never be ‘successful’.  It’s fool’s gold.  But if instead, I look to measure myself against my needs, it’s a different story.  I have a place to live, and I like it.  I have a job, food, a vehicle, clothes, and the ability to do things I enjoy.  Happiness is entirely defined by the expectations I put upon myself.  I don’t have to live in the most expensive home, drive the most expensive car, have multiple vacation homes, etc. to be happy.  Happiness isn’t just for the ‘high achievers.’ 

Over the years, I have spent a lot of time talking with my ‘spiritual advisor’, Mickey Singer, about happiness.  How it’s truly self-defined.  How we choose to limit ourselves in our happiness because expectations.  Brooks and Dunn are telling us clearly that to be happy is actually easy.  It’s the difference between having what you want and wanting what you have.  As long as our basic needs of food, shelter, and clothing are met, the rest is merely a matter of perspective.

Mickey’s teachings are truly inspiring
Mickey taught me that happiness is a choice. I choice to be happy.

The last line of the verse is one of my favorites.  I’ve come to know there’s life at both ends of that red dirt road. It doesn’t matter where we have come from or where we are today.  Life exists in all places.  One isn’t better than the other.  They are different points on the journey we call life.  We may look back at the time on that red dirt road and remember ‘the good old days’, but they rarely were as good as we remember, and the times today are usually just as good if not better.  They are just different.  I think back to childhood and my red dirt roads, and they are great memories.  Far better than the actual time was. We embellish, we remember differently now than what it was then.  There are pieces we long for.  It sounds so great now to think back to when I lived in my parents’ house, and everything was taken care of for me.  I didn’t have any real bills to pay.  The stress level, in hindsight, seems like it was so much lower than as an adult with life responsibilities.  I also know that if I could go back and talk to the me of that time, that me would tell this me that the stresses I faced were real and could be overwhelming.  Pressure of college acceptance, high school cliques, living under my parents’ rules.  And that me would tell this me how lucky I am that I have my own home, set my own rules, get to pick the career I want and spend my money the way I want.  It’s all relative.

The important message for me in this section of the song is to enjoy the moment.  Each moment in our live is a unique opportunity to experience life.  When that moment is gone, so is the opportunity to experience and learn from it.  Both sides of the red dirt road are valuable and important.  One isn’t better than the other.  Life is a journey until it is over, why would we want to miss out on any of it and the opportunities that each step in that journey provide.  It’s not about being a sinner or a believer.  It’s not about the good old days or the challenges of today.  It’s about the journey of life that we get to experience and enjoy, if we choose, until it ends.

Mickey taught me this and it’s something I live by. When I read it, I can hear his voice telling it to me

I went out into the world, and I came back in
I lost Mary, oh, I got her back again
And driving home tonight, feels like I found a long-lost friend.

The song’s last verse has a haunting piece to it.  We leave our hometown.  We leave our childhood friends, lovers, families, and red dirt roads to go out into the world and experience it.  Whether it is college, the military, jobs – it’s the next step in our life journey and we leave things behind.  At some point we have the opportunity to reengage with our original red dirt roads, with our childhood friends.  It’s rarely what we thought it would be like.  Those childhood crushes that we thought and hoped would turn into something more, never did.  Our lives and theirs took different paths. Some of those childhood friends have passed away young.  Others have had serious life challenges.  Yet others have been wildly successful.  We lost the dream of the future when we were children, but we didn’t lose the people in the dreams.  It’s just different.

Bruce Springsteen’s ‘My Hometown’ captures this essence as well.

I think of my own life and some of the relationships I had with those childhood friends.  Some I thought might be forever romantic partners and they aren’t.  Some I thought would be best friends and we would be connected forever, and we aren’t.  Others have become better friends over the years or at a later time, when we reconnected, ended up being closer than we ever would have imagined. 

In the song, he lost Mary as a lover and future partner.  His life, and hers, went on different paths than they ever imagined.  Yet the opportunity to reconnect was there and they did.  It wasn’t what they thought it would be on the original red dirt road, however it’s still special. It’s still important and meaningful.

I am grateful that I still have some type of relationship with so many of the people from my red dirt roads.  They are all very different.  Some are more casual and connected mainly online.  Others we text and talk.  Still others we make time to see each other as often as possible.  The quality of the relationships is high, no matter what it was like as children or how often we get to see each other.  The time on our red dirt road bonded us in a way that can never be broken. 

At the end of the day, I think that’s what inspires me most about this song.  It’s truly about experiencing the journey of life and realizing that the connections we make with other people can last a lifetime.  But it takes effort.  If he hadn’t reached out to Mary and reconnected with her, it would have been a relationship that was inactive.  If we want the beauty of the journey of life, it takes ongoing effort, knowing that the work we put into relationships in the past isn’t wasted and isn’t gone, it just needs to be rekindled.  When I listed to Red Dirt Road, I find myself filled with gratitude for the experiences and relationships I had as a child and the opportunities to continue those relationships as an adult. 

To truly experience the journey of life, it takes effort.  And it’s effort that is always rewarded.

Sunday’s musical inspiration – Luke Bryan and Most People are Good.

Posted on by Keith Dvorchik

It’s Sunday so time to let music be my inspiration.  This week it’s a song by Luke Bryan from 2017 titled, “Most People are Good”.  It’s an interesting choice since not long ago, inspired by Anne Frank, I was talking about how there aren’t enough good people in the world.  I’m honestly not sure if there aren’t enough good people or if they are just quiet and do good, or if the media just chooses to only focus on the bad.  Perhaps it’s a combination of all three. 

The lyrics are insightful and thoughtful.

I believe kids oughta stay kids as long as they can.  Turn off the screen, go climb a tree, get dirt on their hands. 

We live in a world where kids grow up way to fast.  I think back to my childhood where we played outside every day.  People had part time jobs for pocket money not as a primary goal nor to further our future careers.  We played multiple sports and had diverse groups of friends.  There was no such thing as “travel ball.”  My mom would make us take off not just our shoes but our dirty clothes in the garage before entering the house.  Times were simpler.  The only screens were TVs and VCRs were fairly new so you could try to tape a show if you missed it but our lives were not dominated by TV, the internet (didn’t exist), streaming services, etc.  We stayed kids as long as we could and that wasn’t a bad thing.  When I look at how my kids and their friends grew up compared how I grew up, it’s truly a different world.  We walked or road our bikes everywhere.  Our parents didn’t know where we were every moment of every day through tracking software on cellphones or texting.  Life was simpler.  I have done what I can to provide that for my children.  We have never tracked their location on their cellphones.  We encourage them to stay kids as long as they can because adulting is both hard and long.  Childhood is meant to be cherished and in today’s world, it’s now rushed through.  I worry about our future when kids aren’t allowed and encouraged to be kids.

I believe we gotta forgive and make amends.  ‘Cause nobody gets chance to make new old friends.

I consider myself lucky, in part because I have so many friends for more than 30 years.  Some are more than 40 years and others more than 50.  People who I grew up with.  People who I have known most of my life.  Like the song says, you can’t make new, old friends.  Many years ago, I learned to ask a very important question.  Would I rather be happy, or right?  Most of the time, I’d rather be happy and choose actions that provide happiness.  By choosing to be happy, I forgive and make amends.  My friends stay my friends and we get through the challenges that all friendships and relationships have.  Just this week I was talking to a friend from middle school and a friend from high school.  I am getting together with a high school friend today because she is in town.  These relationships are precious.  They span decades and go back to a simpler time with cherished memories.  In today’s world, we often let disagreements end friendships.  Life is too short.  Time is too precious.  What do I gain from ending friendships that have lasted decades over unimportant things?  I like that my children know my old friends.  I like that they tell my children stories from ‘the old days’, even when they are embarrassing and especially when they are funny. Here are just a few pictures of a few of them.

I just got to spend time with Jim, Ananda, and Anna Marie at our friend Jeremy’s wedding. It has been years for some of us yet it felt like no time had passed.

My friend Aric who tells my kids classic stories they often don’t believe. We became friends in 1988 and are like brothers.

My friend Todd who has great stories to tell my kids, also ones they don’t believe. We became friends in 1987 and talk at least once a week.

My dear friend Ron – we have experienced the ups and downs of life together for the past 30+ years.

Larry and I met in either 1984 or 1985. We still talk every week.

Jamal and I have been friends for 20 years. He always inspires me and I am humbled when he says the same about me.

Darryl and I have been friends since 6th grade. He is now a mentor to my son Evan. Who wants to try to make new, old friends when you have old friends like this?

I read a very interesting article about two friends in Israel who allowed their political differences to impact their friendship.  The impact of October 7th made them realize how important their friendship is and their disagreements politically aren’t a reason to not be friends.  That’s a real life example of this lyric. 

I believe in workin’ hard for what you’ve got.  Even if it doesn’t add up to a hell of a lot.

My grandparents and parents taught me early in life the importance of hard work.  They would often say that hard work is its own reward.  As a kid, this was hard to understand.  Hard work was to get a result.  It was to obtain things.  How could hard work be its own reward?

As I got older, I began to understand what they were talking about.  It is about having a work ethic.  It is about having values and living up to them.  It is having integrity and working hard because it is the right thing to do, not because you will get a specific outcome. 

The older I have gotten, the more I appreciate the things I have.  Growing up and into my 30s it was all about more, more, more.  The bigger house.  The nicer car.  More toys.  The newest technology.  Today I am grateful for what I have and often time realize that I would be just as happy, if not happier, if I had less.  There is value in appreciating what you have and not wanting more all the time. 

There is also another hidden message in these lyrics.  Often times we judge people based on appearance.  Based on the car they drive, the clothes they wear.  This line urges us to look at the person, not what or how much they have.  It reminds me of quote by the Reverend Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. in which he said, “I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.”  The color of their skin, the amount of money in their bank account, the type of car they drive, the clothes they wear – all have nothing to do with the content of their character.  All have nothing to do with the type of person and human being they are.  We need to pay attention to who people are based on their actions, not their bank account.

A brilliant quote from To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee. We see what we look for.

I believe most people are good and most mamas oughta qualify for sainthood.

This is the line that I struggle with.  Not the second part but the first part.  In today’s world, are most people good?  Half the country hates the other half.  The rise in antisemitism is frightening.  We literally see Nazis in Central Florida every few weeks.  Sometimes in uniform, usually waving a big Nazi flag and chanting horrible things with awful signs.  In Nashville there was a Nazi march where people were chanting ‘Heil Hitler’.  This is not the 1930s in Germany.  This is 2024 in the United States.  Crime is up.  Instead of random acts of kindness, we see random acts of violence.  The rape, murder, and kidnapping of Jews on October 7th is acceptable only because they are Jews.  Calls for a ceasefire happen daily but these people don’t demand the release of the hostages, now in their 133rd day of captivity.  Too many good people are silent.  It seems that over the past few years the famous quote, “The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.” was everywhere being said by everybody.  Yet after October 7th, these people went silent.  It seems there are daily demonstrations of the evil of humanity.  I look every day for signs that most people are good and yet most people fail the test every day. 

This was yesterday, 2 miles from my house. The hatred is real.
I never thought I’d see Nazi flags flying like this in my lifetime. This was February 17, 2024.
The growth of antisemitism is real. February 17, 2024 in Winter Park, FL.

It is a reminder to me that I can’t control anybody else.  I am only responsible for myself.  I can choose to be good.  I can do my part to make the world a better place.  I can choose to engage in random acts of kindness.  I can choose to fight against all hatred and stand up and speak out.  I can be an example and live true to my values.  Perhaps if we each take responsibility for ourselves, we will end up with most people being good.  At the end of the day, I’m not responsible for most people.  I am responsible for myself.

I love the line about most mamas qualifying for sainthood.  Being a parent is difficult and as I have watched my mom, my mother-in-law, and my wife, I see how much more difficult it is to be a mom.  I don’t know if it is societal expectations and training or something innate, but the differences between being a mom and a dad are significant.  I am ok with my children struggling – it’s part of life and learning important life lessons.  My wife wants to protect them from any struggles, it’s in her DNA as a mom.  We both love our children and want only the best for them.  We talked about this last night, and I was fascinated by the difference in our points of view.  So I agree with Luke Bryan – most mamas should be Saint Mama. 

I believe most Friday nights look better under neon or stadium lights.

As the parent of a high school football player, there was not much better than Friday Night Lights and watching my son play each week.  It was an incredible four years and six years after it ended, I still miss it. 

I can dig deeper into this lyric and go beyond high school football.  Growing up, Friday night meant Shabbat dinner.  It didn’t matter what I wanted to do before or after, we sat down as a family, often with guests, for Shabbat dinner.  My mom would light Shabbat candles, my dad would typically make kiddush, and one of the kids would say the Motzi.  No matter what, we were together as a family for Shabbat dinner.  When my son played high school football, that became our Shabbat dinner – together as a family, under the stadium lights, usually eating a hot dog or hamburger for dinner, and loving every minute of being together. 

Friday night, Shabbat, gives me the opportunity to set aside the business of the week and focus on the things that are really important.  Family.  Friends.  Spirituality.  Health.  Just like Friday Night Lights creates a special environment, Shabbat itself creates that opportunity, if we are willing to take it.   I fully admit that I am not a traditionally shomer shabbat person.  I do use Shabbat as a break from the week.  It’s the day that I get to refocus and recenter.  It’s the day I focus more intensely on family.   As a family of college football fanatics, Shabbat has been a traditional day where all four of us sit together all day watching college football.  When the kids were little, we all climbed into our bed.  Now that they are bigger than me, we watch in the living room.  It’s become a family tradition that is a break from the rest of the week. 

Friday night looks better under the neon or stadium lights because of the uniqueness they offer.  Friday night also looks better because of the uniqueness of Shabbat and the opportunity to, for one day, set aside the stress of the real world and focus instead on the smaller, more intimate world of family and friends.

I believe you love who you love.  Ain’t nothing you should ever be ashamed of.

It makes me so happy that a country singer wrote these words and sings it proudly.  Country music and fans of country music are often categorized as racist and homophobic.  To have a major country music star make this type of statement helps improve the world.  It says loud and clear that people are people.  Who you love is your business and nobody else’s.  And there is nothing wrong with loving whoever it is that you love.

Growing up, we had a tight group of friends that all went to Hebrew School together.  Most of us also went to the same public schools.  We remain close today and have a Facebook messenger chat group to keep in touch.    I remember when two members of our tightknit group came out.  It wasn’t a surprise to any of us.  We had known for years and years.  It didn’t matter because we love everybody in the group for who they are.  We celebrate all the diversity of our friends because of who they are.

My confirmation class – we stay in touch 40 years later.

In a song about most people being good, this line is so important.  Hate is simply unacceptable yet continues to grow in our world.  It doesn’t matter who the hate is targeting.  It can be the African American community, the LGBTQ+ community, the Asian community, the Muslim community, the Jewish community – hate is hate is hate.  We must stand together against all hate because those who live in hate will simply move their hatred from group to group.  Our power comes from standing together and strongly condemning all hate.  Not allowing it to fester and grow.  Hate is taught which means we can teach love instead of hate.  Just like Luke Bryan, I believe you love who you love and there is nothing to be ashamed of.  You are who you are and there is nothing to be ashamed of.  If we want to live in a world driven by love instead of hate, we accept people for who they are and appreciate all the differences each of us bring to our community and to the world. 

I believe this world ain’t half as bad as it looks.  I believe most people are good.

Despite some of my struggles with most people being good, I find this line inspirational.  Perhaps it is because he says it ‘ain’t half as bad as it looks’, recognizing that the world looks pretty bad today.  So much of why the world looks bad is because of what the media shows us. The saying, “If it bleeds, it leads” has become more than the truth, it seems it is now the mantra for the media.  We get shown the worst of humanity most of the time.  We live in our own bubbles where we don’t interact enough with people who are different from us.  We don’t celebrate our diversity and we don’t bother to try to understand others, instead we try to get them to agree with us. 

In 2019 I had the gift of participating on the Encounter Immersive Program.  This is a program that takes Jewish leaders to meet with leaders of Palestinian civil society for four days.  I remember thinking that four days seemed awful short.  After day 3, I was grateful it was only four days.  The tagline for Encounter is “Listen, Learn, Lead.”  And the program is really all about listening.  It’s about understanding a different point of view and perspective.  It’s not about trying to convince anybody of my beliefs but rather a chance for me to learn about their beliefs, their narrative, their story.  It was a truly fascinating experience that I wrote about earlier in this blog – you can find the many posts I wrote near the beginning of this site.  By listening, learning, and asking clarifying questions, I got a better understanding of the challenges in the region.  It wasn’t just the simple good vs. evil or mine vs. yours.  It gave me a chance to dig into challenges that have reframed by understanding.  It only strengthened my Zionism while also increasing my humanity and building bridges. 

If we can get beyond the surface answers and really spend time communicating – listening and learning – there is hope for the future.  Not just in Israel but in the United States and around the world.  There is so much clickbait and so many people only read the headlines without really understanding the details that it is easy to lose hope and only see the negative.  I truly believe that most of us want the same things, it is more about how we get there and how we find was to talk about it that are the key.  I think often of the stories of President Ronald Reagan and Speaker of the House, Tip O’Neill.  They would spend all day arguing policy and at the end of the day, they would go out together and get a beer.  How do we get back to the days when we focused on our similarities, not our differences?

So maybe the world really isn’t half as bad as it looks.  We can certainly hope and do our part, since it looks pretty awful right now.

I believe them streets of gold are worth the work.  But I’d still wanna go even if they were paved in dirt. 

My parents taught us all that results aren’t promised.  We can only do our part and put in the work.  That’s what they asked of us – put in the work.  I remember being happy in school getting an A- without any work and my parents being very upset.  I didn’t understand.  I remember working hard and only getting a B and they were happy and supportive.  That confused me as well – wasn’t the A- better than the B?  It took me a long time to understand that the value was in the work, not the result. 

As I got older and began to understand the importance of the work itself, I began to learn things like not having control of the results.  I can only do the work and put things in place for a likelihood of success.  There are too many other factors to make it my responsibility for the outcome.  The wisdom of Benjamin Franklin spoke to me when said, “If you fail to plan, you are planning to fail”.    One of my mentors, Rabbi Mark Kram, was famous for saying “Failure to plan on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.”   

Over the past years as I began to learn with a Rabbi, these thinking was reinforced again.  I have learned with many Rabbis and educators.  One common theme has been and continues to be that everything comes from God.  Our job is to the work, not determine the results.  Recently I was having dinner with my friend Harry Rothenberg, an attorney who is perhaps the best Jewish educator I have ever experienced.  I watch his video blog every week and learn something meaningful each time.  We were talking about how he had been stuck in terrible traffic and was going to be late to an event.  He didn’t have a chance to eat lunch and there was a great cocktail reception before the event with delicious food.  He was incredibly hungry and was going to miss the chance to eat.  He was getting frustrated.  He managed to make it to the event just as they were finishing clearing up the last of the food.  Disappointed and hungry, he sat down for the event.  At that time, he realized that the entire plan was one from God.  He made the event on time.   He arrived safely.  Sure he missed the food but he wasn’t going to starve.  He just missed the food.  In the meantime, he had missed the bigger picture of everything being God’s plan. He realized he needed to do better.

Harry and me after dinner and a great learning session. I love having him as a friend and teacher.

I was inspired by the story for two reasons.  First, if you are like me, you tend to get caught up in what is happening that minute and can lose sight of the big picture.  I can get upset because traffic means I will be late.  The person in front of me is driving slowly.  I didn’t get to eat lunch and am hungry.  All sorts of details that are happening right at that time but don’t really matter.  I lose the big picture that I I will arrive where I need to get safely.  That patience is a virtue.  That I won’t starve and have plenty of food, just not at that minute.  When I focus on the big picture, I get filled with gratitude.  Even if the roads are paved in dirt, they feel like they are paved in gold.

The second part of inspiration is the desire to do better.  There is always an opportunity to improve, to do a little more, to be a little better.  My spiritual advisor, Mickey Singer, would often guide me that life is a journey to be experienced.  We are here as a spiritual being, having a human experience, so experience it.  Realizing that we can improve, that we can be better, and doing the work required to do better really does make those dirt roads into gold.

I believe that youth is spent well on the young.  ‘Cause wisdom in your teens would be a lot less fun. 

How many times have any of us said, “If I only knew then what I know now…”?  Would we really want to know then what we know now? As a 16-year-old, would I really know and be able to follow through on things that took me 40 years to learn?  Would that knowledge ruin the childhood that I talked about above?  Would I be any better off knowing it then but not having the capacity or ability to really take advantage of it? 

Youth is for the young.  Our bodies are able to do more.  We have more energy and the lessons of the world have not been learned yet.  As somebody who grew up in the 70s and 80s, I look back with fond memories.  Not because I want to be who I was back then but because of who I was back then.  It was the only time in my life that I could be that person.  That I could have the freedom offered to the young.  No physical restriction.  No limitations because of the responsibilities of a wife and children.  No career to be concerned about. 

I think about friends who didn’t have the luxury of youth when they were young.  Financial insecurity.  Issues with permanent housing.  Unstable home life situations.  They were forced to grow up quickly and had far more wisdom at 16 or 20 than I did.  It comes at a cost.  I think of the children impacted by the war with Israel and Hamas.  They have far too much life wisdom now.  How many of them would trade all of this wisdom to go back to an October 6th world?

We live in such a fast-paced world now that kids don’t get a chance to be kids.  There is academic pressure that begins at an insanely early age.  I remember a few years ago talking to parents about their 2-year-old child in our preschool.  The child’s grandfather had already called Harvard about getting him on a wait list.  Let me repeat, the child was 2 YEARS OLD!  I think about the IB and AP courses my children took in high school and the academic pressure they faced.  In hindsight was it really worth it?  When I talk with them the answer is no – both would have been much happier doing a dual enrollment program or even taking regular coursework. 

Youth is for the young.  Let’s not steal it from them by trying to get them somewhere before they need to be there.

I believe if you just go by the nightly news, your faith in all mankind would be first thing you lose.

I stopped watching the nightly news a number of years ago.  Everything was negative and the national news was focused entirely on their own spin.  There is a reason there is no longer a news department and these programs are in the entertainment division.  It is far too easy to find a news channel that will reinforce your own beliefs or will make you hate those with different views. 

For a while I watched the CBS Sunday morning show because they only told happy and inspiring stories.  It made me realize that there are plenty of these stories available if you look for them.  We don’t have to be consumed with the negativity and lose our faith in mankind.  We can find the stories that inspire us.  That give us hope.  One news site I follow does a story every Sunday where they allow a reader to tell a story of gratitude where they get to highlight the kindness somebody else did for them.  It’s one of my favorite things to read because it reinforces faith in mankind. 

The nightly news can be toxic.  On October 7th, my friend the Consul General of Israel to Florida, told me to stop watching the news.  It wasn’t healthy to be so focused and so obsessed on the murder, rape, and kidnapping of Jews by Hamas.  I understood but also couldn’t stop.  When I watched the Hamas video of October 7th, many people asked why I would want to see that inhumanity and put myself through it.  I told them I needed to bear witness.  We have to be careful with what we consume as it shapes our reality.  I spend time talking with friends of mine in Israel, with friends who have had family members taken hostage – some have been released and some are still hostages.  I talk with people who are actively looking to change the world through their actions.  Medical research.  Summer camp for children.  People working with victims of terror to attempt to restore humanity.  Mentoring and coaching youth who need the guidance and support to have a better future.  Those working with pediatric hospitalized patients and seniors struggling with loneliness.  People focused on finding the light in the world amidst the darkness.

We can find our faith in mankind restored when we choose to see the beauty happening all around us and make an active choice to join in that beauty. 

I believe that days go slow, and years go fast.  And every breath’s a gift, the first one to the last.

As a kid, the days went slow, and the years seemed to go slower.  There was always something to look forward to.  Turning 10 and being double digits.  13 was Bar Mitzvah.  16 was my driver’s license.  Graduating high school and going off to college.  18 was voting. 21 the legal drinking age.  Graduating college.  Focusing on the milestones, time seemed to drag on as the next one was always so significant and exciting.   I remember when my oldest son was born and being told that now the days will go slow, but the years will go fast.  How true that statement became.  It seems like yesterday my sons were in preschool, taking naps, and I was reading them bedtime stories as we cuddled, never certain who fell asleep first, them or me.  Precious days and precious times.  My wife commented to me the other day how much she misses my older son who is now in Tennessee starting his career.  My youngest is still at home and we treasure the time because it goes too fast.  In a few months he will be a senior in college, and we will prepare for the next big change in our lives. 

I turned 56 in December.  I still feel like I am in my 30s most days and there are times I feel like I’m back in high school.  Yet 60 is around the corner.  I remember when my Uncle Joe died at 50 years old thinking, “at least he lived a good long life.”   I was 21 – what did I know?  As a kid, filled with youth and being young, time was plentiful and abundant.  Now it is the most precious commodity in the world.  We only get so much of it and then it is gone forever.

I first experienced this when my cousin Eric died in 1995 at the age of 27.  We grew up together and were like brothers.  My childhood is filled with stories of Eric and me.  One day he was here, vibrant, alive, with an incredible future.  Then he was gone.  I was blessed to know two of my great grandparents, all four of my grandparents, all four of my wife’s grandparents, and have great relationships with my parents and my in-laws.  My great-grandparents and all eight of the grandparents are now gone.  I treasure the time with them and appreciate all that I got.  My dad died in September 2022, and I miss him every day.  My cousin Todd, Eric’s younger brother, died tragically in 2015.  After Eric’s death, he became another little brother to me, and we had many long and deep conversations.  I had spoken with him a few days before he died.  Every breath truly is a gift, the first to the last.  And we are never promised the next one. 

Its still hard to believe it has been almost 30 years since Eric died

I can’t beieve it’s 8 1/2 years since Todd died.

Over the last two years I had a number of health issues.  I was still in the youth mindset of living forever and being indestructible, despite the clear signals that wasn’t true.  My dad dying was the point where I knew I had to make changes.  I lost weight, got in better shape, and tried to put better boundaries in my life.  Work life balance became much more important as I realized that I had taken more breaths in my past than I would in my future.  As these changes took hold and required significant life alterations, it really hit home when my mom said to me, “I was waiting for the call telling me you had a heart attack.”  That statement shook me to the core and still does today.  I’ve chosen to live my life differently as a result.  Each breath we get is truly precious, from the first to the last.  Why would want to waste a single one?

Who would have thought that a simple country music song would inspire a 5,000-word essay?  I guess the need for believing that most people are good is really that important.  The world we live in is so fraught with challenges that a simple believe in the goodness of people is essential and a given.  Let’s join together to change that.

The voices we hear

Posted on by Keith Dvorchik

A number of years ago, when I lived in Gainesville FL, I was exposed to the idea of spending an hour with others learning about and talking about Jewish biblical stories.  Three of us began having lunch once a week while we talked about learned about the book of Daniel for months.  It was interesting, fascinating, fun, social, and a meaningful use of time.  Unlike my Hebrew School experience growing up, this had real value and I truly enjoyed it.  It’s something I have continued, on and off, for the past decade.  Over the last few months, I have found a wonderful partner to study and learn with, and we spend an hour each week focusing on the weekly parsha (the part of the Torah we read each week) and digging into what some of the great Jewish commentators throughout the generations had to say.  More importantly, we then talk about what we think it means to us.  Frequently, I challenge him and he pushes back.  We go back and forth sharing our thoughts, opinions, interpretations, until we come to some consensus about what it means for us in 2024.  It’s a wonderful hour each week that I both look forward to, thoroughly enjoy, and think about the rest of the week as I apply these lessons in my daily life.

As I’ve previously written about, recently I have been obsessed with country music, the lyrics and stories that are told, and what it means to me.  Similar to what I do weekly with my friend the Rabbi, many of the lyrics of these songs speak to lessons to improve my life.  And sometimes, the song will trigger something from my Jewish learning as well.  That’s what happened this weekend.

Once again, an old song was new to me.  Voices by Chris Young came out in 2008.  I discovered it in 2024.  The lyrics spoke to me in a different way after last week’s hour of conversation.  Here are some of the lyrics and some of my takeaways.

                  I hear voices.  I hear voices like

 My dad sayin’: ‘Work that job.  But don’t work your life away.”

When I hear that line, I think of my dad.  That work is important, however it is a means to an end, not the end.  That nobody is going to put ‘he worked very hard’ on your tombstone but they will talk about the type of person you and what you mean to other people.  The lessons he taught me about the place of work, values, and family.  I can’t count how many times he would talk to us about family and how important it is.  How it is everything.  My parents showed it in their actions.  Holidays were for extended family, and I have close relationships with my cousins because it wasn’t just about our immediate family.  My kids laugh because they say that sometimes they aren’t sure who we are really related to and who are such close friends that we call them Aunt, Uncle, Cousin, Sister, Brother.   I have aunts and uncles that really cousins.  I have aunts and uncles who are lifelong friends of my parents.  I have brothers and sisters who aren’t related to me by blood but are family by choice.  I have nieces and nephews that are really cousins.  It doesn’t matter what the blood relationship is or isn’t, what matters is the relationship that we build.  On my birthday this past year, my niece Rylee, who is 3 years old and technically a cousin by marriage once removed (we never use that language in my family) called and sang Happy Birthday to me on my voicemail.  It was the sweetest message I have gotten in years.  I called her back to say thank you and she promptly sang it again.  It was the highlight of my day.  Nothing at work will give you that feeling.  So don’t work your life away.  Its far too short and there are far too many beautiful moments you will miss.

   My adorable ‘niece’ Rylee who sang me Happy Birthday. 

And mama tellin’ me to drop cash in the offerin’ plate on Sunday

I was taught by my grandparents and my parents from a very early age the importance of Tzedakah, giving charity to help others.  We had the blue JNF box that we always put coins in, especially on Friday night before Shabbat.  Giving of our time, talent, and treasure was something my grandparents did, my parents did, and I learned to do.   It’s something I have taught my children.  We have an obligation as human beings to help those who need it.  It’s why I fell in love with the acts of random kindness. It takes nothing to hold a door, let somebody go in front of you, wait patiently, or many other acts of kindness.  When my kids and I go out for breakfast on Christmas day (usually Waffle House because they are open), I have begun to do my special Christmas day gift tip – whatever the amount of the bill is what I also tip.  The server is working on Christmas, likely because they need the money to support their family.  I’m privileged enough to not work and to be able to go out to breakfast with my kids.  It’s a small, nice thing to do that likely makes their entire day.  Random acts of kindness can change the lives of those that we do them for.  So give a little of your time, talent, and treasure to help others.  Not only will you change their lives, you will feel so much better because you are making the world a better place, one random act of kindness at a time.

One of my favorite pieces of art by Joanne Fink. A reminder of the importance of Kindness

                 

And grandad sayin’ “You can have a few, but don’t ever cross that line.”

One of my mom’s favorite sayings has been “Pigs get fed, hogs get slaughtered.”  What she was teaching us is that there is a limit to everything before bad things happen.  Unlike the famous Gordon Gecko line from Wall Street that was a calling card to my 1980s generation, ‘Greed is good’, what my mom was teaching us is that greed is NOT good.  Greed gets you in trouble.  Excess desires take you places that you don’t really want to go.  Decisions made on greed or the desire for more than you need end up with disastrous results. 

Balance is the key to life.  We hear it all the time.  ‘I don’t have any work-life balance’.   I struggle to balance my wants with my income.  Too many people don’t set aside money for retirement, balancing the need for the future with the need for now.  What good is working hard and missing out on your children growing up, on the relationship with your spouse?  Covid stole two years of time with my parents from me, time I will never get back.  Why?  Because I worked too much and too hard to get through that time.  For what?  To lose my dad in September 2022? 

My mom, dad, Evan and me at the UCF-USF game. Treasured memories worth everything

I think more about my mom’s message now than ever before.  What do I need?  And what do I really want?  The material things that drove me to want more, more, more are meaningless.  I want more time with my kids.   More time with my family.  In the summer of 2023, we almost lost our 13 year old dog Bella.  It was a miracle she survived.  I treasure the time with her now.  Where before when she would climb on my lap and I was working I would get annoyed, now I simply set the work aside and welcome this 75 lb dog into my lap. 

Bella laying on my lap – a daily occurance that I love.

Bella loves to lay out in the yard

Our sweet little girl

So as you choose what matters to you, remember to have a few but not cross that line.  Remember that pigs get fed and hogs get slaughtered.  Remember that you have control of balance in your life unless you give it away.  And remember what is really important.  It’s always possible to make more money and get more things.  There will also be something newer, something shinier, something just a little bit better than what you have.  But you can never get back time.  Time is the ultimate treasure.

Yeah I hear voices all the time.  Turns out I’m pretty dang lucky, for all that good advice. Those hard-to-find words of wisdom, holed up here in my mind  And just when I’ve lost my way, or I’ve got too many choices, I hear voices.

I am lucky.  I hear the voices of my Great Grandma Rose, my Grandma Esther and Grandpa Si, my Grandma Evie and Grandpa Lenny.  I hear the voice of my dad the most.  And of course, my mom, who is not only the voice in my mind, but on the phone and in person.  The things they taught me and powerful and core to my life.  They continue to guide me, even though most have been gone for more than 20 years. 

Grandpa Len, Grandma Evie, me, my brother, Grandma Esther, and Grandpa Si

I have written before about how I discovered studying in chavruta (two people learning together) and how meaningful it is.  For the past 4 months or so I have been learning with Rabbi Ehrenkranz.  One of the things that I often struggle with, and we regularly discuss is when it seems that God is being ‘vindictive’ or ‘petty’ in his statements.  It’s not how I envision God and I have a hard time understanding when the text says things that I interpret that way.  Last week had another instance of this, so once again we discussed and debated.  What I came to understand is that God is like our parent.  He wants the best for us and provides guidance on how to live life.  As a parent, he sets guidelines, expectations, and provides consequences.  It’s actually not that he’s being vindictive or petty, but rather caring.  The lessons he tells us can be voices we hear as well.  A voice that tells us how to choose right over wrong.  How to behave.  What to do.  Another guide when we’ve lost our way to help us get back where we need to be.  After 15 minutes of back and forth, I found this explanation to be comforting and a different way to interpret the language.

Learning with Rabbi Ehrenkranz. It’s a fun hour every week.

Whenever I have lost my way or am overwhelmed with too many choices, it is these voices that help me.  These are the lessons that I learned from them that resonate in my mind.  I can close my eyes and see and hear the person who taught me the lesson, reminding me of it once again.  I truly am lucky to have had these special people in my life who not only taught me important lessons but continue to teach me throughout my life.

I hear voices, lke my dad sayin’ “Quit that team, and you’d be a quitter for the rest of your life.”

Commitment and dedication.  Two very important concepts that have always been a part of my family and something that we were taught growing up.  Finish what you start.  Don’t start it if you aren’t going to finish it.  Have integrity.  Behave as if your words and actions will be on the front page of the NY Times. 

Reliable and Dependable.  Two more important concepts that were ingrained in me from a young age.  If you aren’t reliable and aren’t dependable, you won’t have integrity.  If you say you are going to do something, then do it.  From 1992-1995 I worked for the Florida Department of Corrections in mental health.  I worked in two different prisons.  One was minimum security, the other closed custody (maximum security) and the home of Florida’s Death Row.  I learned there to never make a promise I couldn’t deliver on.  When I said I would do something, I did it.  I earned the respect of the inmates because I didn’t promise them things that I wouldn’t do.  I learned to be very clear about making promises and commitments. 

My parents and grandparents always told me there is a right way to do things and taught and urged me to always do it that way.  Commitment, dedication, reliability, dependability, and integrity – all incredibly important and things I believe in because of the people who’s voices I hear.

And mama tellin’ me to say a prayer, every time I lay down at night.

Prayer is something I grew up with.  We went to synagogue almost every Saturday morning.  I went to Jewish Day School for a year (it wasn’t for me).  We had Shabbat dinner with kiddush and motzi every Friday night.  I went to Jewish overnight summer camp (Both Camp Ramah in the Poconos and Camp Airy).  I knew the prayers, knew the tunes, but didn’t know what it meant.  As a result, it didn’t really have much meaning to me.  I think it was summed up best by an IDF soldier on our birthright bus many years ago.  After services on Friday night, we were talking as a group and he asked, “So you know the words?”.  We answered, ‘Yes.’  Then he asked, “and you know the melodies?”  We answered, ‘Yes.’   Then he asked, “but you don’t know what it means?”  We answered, ‘yes, we don’t.’   He said, “I don’t understand!”

In college I began to explore a meaningful way to get involved with prayer.  It wasn’t easy and took a long time to find a meaningful way to pray and what to pray for.  Should I really be asking God for things?  Would he really pay attention to my prayers, especially if I was asking for things I wanted?  Didn’t he know what was best for me?  Over the past nearly 40 years, I have learned my own way to meaningfully connect with God.  It involves prayer and meditation.  It involves my own conversations with God and connecting with nature.  It involves some traditionally Jewish things like putting on tefillin (not every day but regularly).  It’s lighting the Yahrzeit candle for my father.  Similar to the lyrics of the song, I take a minute to thank God every morning and every evening for the life I get to live. 

About 20 years ago, I began exploring spirituality with a friend of mine, Mickey Singer.  Some of you may know him as Michael A. Singer, the author of The Untethered Soul and The Surrender Experiment.  I consider Mickey my spiritual advisor as he challenges me to think differently about my relationship with God.  For the past 20 years, he has nudged and encouraged me to explore my relationship with God in a different way.  If you haven’t read his books, I highly recommend them.  He also gives a few talks a week and they are posted on the website for Temple of the Universe.

Mickey Singer, my spiritual advisor and friend.

In my weekly chavruta, we discuss prayer a lot.  God doesn’t need us to pray to him, he’s God.  So why do we do it?  What’s the point?  If he doesn’t need it, why bother?  They are interesting conversations and so much of what we discuss relates to remembering who is really in charge and what is our role and responsibility.  It ties in with what Mickey has taught and teaches me.  And just like the lyrics say, it’s important to do it regularly and consistently. 

And grandma sayin’ “if you find the one, you better treat her right.”

One of my favorite stories about my Grandma Esther happened a few years before she died.  She wanted to be a great-grandmother more than anything.  So, she started bugging me about getting married and having kids so she’d be a great-grandmother.  I told her that I didn’t have to get married to make her a great grandmother.  The look on her face was priceless and one I’ll ever forget, as she quickly replied, “I can wait.”

Grandma Esther. I keep this picture on my mantle.

Both my grandfathers and my father showed me how important this is through their actions.  Grandpa Len would get up early, go to the JCC for a swim and schvitz (steam room) and then come home to have breakfast with Grandma Evie.  Every day.  Without fail.  After Grandma Evie died, I used to go visit Grandpa Len on Sundays.  We’d go to whatever organization was having their pancake breakfast, have fun and laugh, and then go back to his house and put on football.  Most of the time we would take a little snooze (nap) during the games.  I’ll never forget one day there was a boxing match on.  He told me how much he loved watching boxing but that my grandmother didn’t like it so for their entire 55+ year marriage, he chose not to watch boxing because he’d rather be with her than watch boxing.  It’s a lesson I will never forget.

Grandpa Len and Granda Evie

Grandpa Si taught me a powerful lesson as well, one that I used to tease him about sharing with my wife.  He said that early in their marriage, he and Grandma Esther figured out a great way to resolve any arguments.  When they agreed, he got his way.  When they disagreed, she got her way.  It was a powerful lesson in the importance of being happy instead of being right.  In their 55+ year marriage, they lived by that rule.  I regularly ask myself if I’d rather be happy or be right.  I have decided that I’d always rather be happy. 

Grandpa Si was always teaching me something

My parents were married for 55 years.  But they were together for a decade before they got married.  After my dad died, his sister, my Aunt Sheila, talked about how it was always “Susie and Barry”.  There is a famous story about my parents getting engaged and their cousin said, “they can’t get married!”  When asked why, she said, “Because they are related.”  My parents were a true partnership and they talked to us about it all growing up. 

My parents wedding photo

Mom and Dad

You can see how much my mom and dad loved each other

In a world where divorce is far too common, the lyrics of the song ring true.  When you find the one, you better treat them right.

Yeah I hear voices all the time.  Sometimes I try to ignore ‘em, but I thank God for ‘em.  ‘Cause they made me who I am.

There is no doubt that I am the person I am today because of the lessons from my grandparents, my parents, some aunts and uncles (both blood and those I call aunt and uncle) and my mentors.  Understand and appreciating that is so important.  As my children are now in their 20s, I hope they listen to their voices – their grandparents, their parents, their aunts and uncles and their mentors.  We get so much wisdom from those close to us and whether we know it or not, it embeds in our brains. 

I no longer try to ignore those voices.  Perhaps its from the lessons I’ve learned from Mickey about my relationship with God.  Perhaps it’s years of learning to pray and meditate in a way that is meaningful to me.  Perhaps it’s the daily meditation and focus on gratitude for the life I get to live.  I’m not really sure about the why and it doesn’t really matter.  What matters is listening to them and their wisdom.  What matters is being teachable. 

I have written a lot about my struggles since October 7th.  I’ve tried to express it in many different ways.  I recently watched the music video of the original song “OK” by John Ondrasik, known by Five for Fighting.  He’s not Jewish however this song and video is about not just October 7th but the feelings afterwards.  It expressed what I have struggled to do.  It’s a powerful video and there is a warning in the beginning.  I suggest you watch it and leave a comment on this post about your experience. 

Watch it on YouTube – it has some graphic video from October 7th in it.

The song has become another voice I hear, helping me cope with the trauma of October 7th and everything that has followed. 

I treasure the voices I hear not just for their lessons but also for who’s voices they are.  It brings this wonderful people back to life on a regular basis.  And my life is better because of their lessons that they keep teaching me.