Today’s song is “Letter to Me” by Brad Paisley from 2015. I find it very inspirational and thoughtful as I’m sure most of us have often thought about what we might tell the 17-year-old version of ourselves if we had the ability to go back and give some advice.
The song begins:
If I could write a letter to me and send it back in time to myself at 17
First I’d prove it’s me by saying
“Look under your bed, there’s a Skoal can and a Playboy no one else would know you hid.”
We all have said to ourselves, “If I only knew then what I know now” about something. How would we even know it was us from the future to know to listen? The beginning of the song is that connection point between the us of today and the us of then. We all had things hidden, secrets we kept from others when we were teenagers. The connection here reminds us that we are still the person we were in the past, just changed by experiences and time. And we can connect with that person from the past anytime we want by channeling those things that meant a lot to us and we didn’t share.
I spent this past weekend with my mom, brother and sister for a family Bat Mitzvah. As we talked about our kids and lessons they have learned or are learning, my brother brought up how he always uses me as the example to his kids. He does this, not because I was a pillar of virtue but actually because I wasn’t. I’m the cautionary tale because I pushed the boundaries and took silly risks and did risky things. The me of today wouldn’t be recognized by the 17-year-old version of myself and I would need to provide some sort of ‘street cred’ to convince that 17 year old version of myself that I really was the same person, just grown up.
We don’t have to be embarrassed by the person we were. We can identify with them and appreciate them for who they were and grateful that we are who we are today. We don’t have to be trapped by our past and can look forward to the present and the future.
And then I’d say I know it’s tough
When you break up after seven months
And, yeah, I know you really liked her, and it just don’t seem fair
But all I can say is pain like that is fast and it’s rare.
It’s funny how our world view changes as we get older. As a teenager, a month was forever. As an adult, a month disappears so quickly it’s hard to believe. A seven-month relationship at 17 seems like forever. Having been married almost 26 years, seven months is the blink of an eye. Being able to put context to time only happens with maturity. That 17-year-old version of myself would be devastated losing a relationship after seven months. That was an eternity. The song reminds us of a few things.
First, life isn’t fair. Life is life. It comes how it comes and it is all about how we deal with the things that come. Sometimes that means we have to deal with pain. The good news is the pain will pass or lessen. But it takes time. And at 17, time isn’t something we understand. My senior year of high school I had a relationship that ended after around 8-9 months. I was devastated. I thought she was the one. We’d been together such a long time. When I look back, I can appreciate the pain and can appreciate how time is completely relative. And while it felt like the pain lasted a long time, it really didn’t. It was fast. I moved on. I haven’t seen or talked to her in nearly 40 years. What was so incredibly painful at 17 passed quickly, even though at the time it felt slow. It’s critical to remember that time is precious and goes too fast. At 17 it didn’t seem that way. Now it seems to go far too fast.
And, oh, you got so much going for you, going right
But I know at 17 it’s hard to see past Friday night
She wasn’t right for you and still you feel like there’s a knife sticking out of your back and you’re wondering if you’ll survive it
You’ll make it through this and you’ll see you’re still around to write this letter to me
Perspective is one of those things we all need and struggle with. The song continues by pointing out to the 17-year-old version that so much is going right yet the focus is on the one thing that isn’t. And even though she wasn’t right for him, and he probably knew it at 17, it still hurts. Pain is a part of life. If we are going to live life, we are going to experience pain. People will disappoint us. People will leave us. Things won’t always go the way we want them to. Yet we move forward and get beyond the immediate hurt into a better future.
My friend and spiritual advisor, Mickey Singer, always talks about preference. It’s preference that gets us into trouble. We prefer something go a certain way because of our limited view. He reminds me that things happen the way they are supposed to happen. Our job is to get rid of preference and understand that. It’s the short-term view vs. the long-term view. When I look back at the life my 17-year-old self wanted and expected, mine is very different. It’s better. More fulfilling. More successful in almost every way possible. If I had stuck with what I wanted at 17, I would have shorted myself an incredible amount.
Like the song says, in the moment we may wonder if we’ll ever get through the pain but we always will if we keep moving forward. And at some point we will be able to look back, appreciate what we went through for what it taught us and what we learned, and be incredibly grateful we are where we are and not back where we would have been.
At the stop sign at Tomlinson and 8th, I always stop completely, don’t just tap your brakes
And when you get a date with Bridget, make sure the tank is full
On second thought, forget it, hat one turns out kinda cool.
This verse makes me laugh. It’s the older version trying to give basic advice to the younger version. Stop completely at the stop sign. I think back to the younger version of myself and what advice I’d give myself like this. The girls I didn’t realize liked me and in hindsight saw they did. The opportunities I missed that I could have taken advantage of. The small things that my younger self would have appreciated but really don’t mean anything. The older version realizes this when he starts saying to make sure the tank is full of gas. That’s the adult thing to do. The younger version ended up with a great experience and story. Our older selves don’t always know best.
I think about appreciating the challenges that I had growing up. My older self could give advice that would let me avoid lots of mistakes and awkward situations. But then I would not be the person that I am. I would not be able to do the things I can do. I wouldn’t have learned the lessons I did to become who I am. So as much as the older me thinks it would be nice to save the younger version of me some pain, grief, and embarrassment, just like in the song, the realization that it really was for the best is critical.
It’s another reminder that we aren’t in charge. As Mickey would tell me regularly, we are here to experience life and everything that comes with it. Each experience we have in life is a gift, even the things we don’t prefer (there is that preference again). They shape who we are, who we will become, and how we will impact and change the world. It gives us a chance to be grateful for every experience because even the painful ones will pass. I am who I am today because of the experiences of my life to this point. Why would I want a younger me to miss those experiences when it would mean I wouldn’t be who I am?
Each and every time you have a fight, just assume you’re wrong and dad is right
And you should really thank Ms. Brinkman
She spends so much extra time, it’s like she sees a diamond underneath
And she’s polishing you ’til you shine.
This reminds me of a famous Mark Twain saying that I heard years ago. “The older we get, the smarter my parents become.” As a teen, I was sure that my dad didn’t get it. He was a child of the 50s and 60s. I was a child of the 70s and 80s. It was a different time. What did he know about modern times? And yet, the older I got, the more I realized his wisdom. The more I understood that he did know what he was talking about and the more I sought his advice. Now that he isn’t here any longer, I miss his wisdom and advice. I often find myself wanting to ask him for that guidance, to share his wisdom. I’m glad that I got smarter as I got older and had a chance to learn from him. It allows me the opportunity to imagine what he would say. The messages that he would tell me. It’s because I had a chance to learn from him that I can apply that knowledge to imagine what he’d say and how he’d guide me.
The second line is the reminder to appreciate all the other teachers and influencers in our lives. Often times we don’t appreciate those who give us that guidance as mentors, role models, friends, and teachers. As I think back, there are many people I would like to say thank you to. People who believed in me and encouraged me to try a little harder, show up a little more, put in that extra effort. They saw the diamond in the rough and were willing to invest their time, energy, and effort into polishing it (me).
It also reminds me that I have that same responsibility today. I find that there are so many amazing people out there that just need some encouragement, somebody who will invest time in them, somebody who believes in them. I am proud of the people who I have been able to serve that role for. One of them recently said to me:
“My time at UF was shaped by talking with you and others who taught me more than I ever would have done in a classroom.“
It’s nice to know that I have been paying it forward on behalf of those who did the same for me. I believe it’s our responsibility to both realize and recognize those who provided that mentorship and guidance to us and to pay it forward with others. It’s what makes the world better. I have a number of people that I have been able to play that role for and as they achieve success and do amazing things to change the world, I know I had a small part in it. It’s very gratifying. If I could go back to my 17-year-old self, I would want to encourage that kid to say thank you and recognize those people. A thank you means the world and from personal experience, just makes me want to help more people. I wonder how many other people would be impacted if that 17 year old version of me recognized and thanked all those people who saw potential and invested in me?
Oh, you got so much going for ya, going right
But I know, at 17 it’s hard to see past Friday night
Tonight’s the bonfire rally but you’re staying home insteadBecause if you fail algebra, mom and dad’ll kill you dead
But trust me, you’ll squeak by and get a C
And you’re still around to write this letter to me
Once again, the song focuses on perspective. The end of the week and the weekend was everything. A week was a long time. The events and choices we made seemed so critical, so essential. Algebra and grades. SAT scores. Who to take to prom. The things that seem so important at the time that in hindsight really weren’t.
It’s also a lesson that sometimes good enough is good enough. It doesn’t mean we shouldn’t strive for excellence. Nobody can be excellent in everything all the time. Nobody can know everything about everything. It’s simply not a realistic expectation yet as teenagers we often think it is what we need to do. There are times when being perfect or the best isn’t what is needed. Sometimes we just need to get by. Sometimes success is simply accomplishing the goal, passing the class, doing what it takes.
Expectations, often unrealistic ones, cause us much harm. They are usually not based on fact or on what we really can accomplish. They tend to come from other people or from societal expectations. As we get older, we have the ability to choose to accept them or not. As a teen, our parents, teachers, and peers have undue influence. The song reminds us that we don’t have to accept the expectations put upon us by others. We can choose to if we want, but it’s a choice. We are not doomed to fail because we didn’t meet the expectations of others.
You’ve got so much up ahead
You’ll make new friends
You should see your kids and wife
The future is bright. We can get the things we really want. More is ahead than behind. These are all messages our 17-year-old self needs to hear. The person we thought was “the one” at 17 may or may not be. That relationship not working out doesn’t mean we’ll never be married, never have kids.
We can look to the future with excitement no matter our age. There is always so much ahead, even the older we get. The length of time to experience thing may be shorter than at 17 but that doesn’t mean there are not new adventures and experiences ahead.
Life is a journey. We make new friends. We have new experiences. Things continue to change in our lives. We don’t have to worry if it will or won’t change – it will! We don’t have to wonder if it will be good. It may not be what we want. It may not be what we hoped. Iti s what is on our journey.
I love the line, “you should see your kids and wife.” There isn’t any detail added to the statement. It doesn’t say they are amazing or incredible. Yet that is what is inferred. It reminds us that we don’t need all the detail to know something is good. And as we look towards the future, we don’t know what will be. When we look back, we can be filed with gratitude for what we got.
And I’ll end by saying have no fear
These are nowhere near the best years of your life
I guess I’ll see you in the mirror when you’re a grown man.
We often think of times in the past as being the best years of our lives. Especially when we are looking at times when we didn’t have significant responsibilities. It’s also easy to think that our high school years are the best years of our life and perhaps we are wasting them. Or our college years. Or our 20s or 30s. The reality is that today is the best year of our life all the time. It’s about what we do with our time, not when or where we are in life. Our job is to seize the day. Make the most of the day, of the time, of the life that we have rather than thinking about the life we used to have.
P.S. go hug Aunt Rita every chance you can.
And oh, you got so much going for you going right
But I know, at 17 it’s hard to see past Friday night
I love the P.S. This is the reminder to tell the ones we love that we love them. To appreciate those in our lives while we still can. I was blessed to have my Great Grandma Rose in my life into my 20s. All four grandparents into my 20s. Two grandfathers into my early 30s. My dad into my mid 50s. My mom today. My in-laws today. I would love to have them all today, but I also don’t have any regrets for not hugging them, telling them I love them, or spending time with them. I took advantage of every chance I had. One of my favorite stories about my Great Grandma Rose happened near the end of her life. I had sent her a card just because I loved her and was thinking of her. My Grandpa Si was visiting her and she was so excited. She kept telling him, “I got a letter from Keith, I got a letter from Keith.” Grandpa Si asked her, “Well what did it say?” She responded, “I don’t know, I can’t read it. But I got a letter from Keith.” Just thinking about it makes me smile.
We are all limited by time. Don’t miss the time you have with the ones you love. Another day is never promised. Make sure they know how you feel about them and spend the time with them while you can. My mom, brother, sister, and I all just spent the weekend in Chicago for a family Bat Mitzvah. It was a wonderful time being with family and even more special to have the four of us together. I never want to wish I had spent more time with them or told them I loved them. That’s the lesson in this song.
I wish you’d study Spanish, I wish you’d take a typing class
I wish you wouldn’t worry and let it be
Hey, I’d say have a little faith and you’ll see
If I could write a letter to me
The last line of the song has a bit of irony. It’s the little things you don’t think about as a teen that can have a long-term benefit as an adult. Learning Spanish, a language that helps a career. Typing to make computer use easier. There are so many mundane choices we make as kids that seem unimportant but in hindsight we’d change. My son took French, a great language. Spanish would have been more helpful. When I was in middle school we had to take Cooking, Sewing, Metal Shop, Wood shop, Drafting, and more. I learned how to cook. I learned how to sew. I learned to use power tools. I learned that I didn’t have the skills to be an architect. Usable skills that helped me in life. It’s sad to me that kids today don’t have those same life skills as courses in school. It also tells us that we can still learn Spanish, typing, cooking, sewing, etc. It’s never too late to learn the things we want. And just because we missed an earlier window doesn’t mean we can’t revisit it in the future.
The song resonates with me because the letter ends up being something entirely different than what most of us think we would right. It’s not a lecture nor is directions to avoid the mistakes we think we made. It’s advice and guidance to enjoy the time in high school and all the time ahead until the age we are when we write the letter. It’s validation and suggestions to help appreciate all that we have. It’s a reminder that no matter how young or old we are, we have the ability to enjoy the moment for what it is and not be fixated on what we think it should be.
My life has had ups and down. Good times and bad. Challenges and rewards. When I stop, take a deep breath, and truly look at what I have in my life, it doesn’t matter what stage I am in, it’s a good life. It’s filled with meaning. I can appreciate my family and all the wonder in my life even when it isn’t perfect. And I don’t have to worry, I can let it be, and have a little faith, because I will end up looking at the same self in the mirror either way. I can choosee to enjoy the journey.
PS – Since the song has a PS, so does this blog. My last post was about friendship and what is a friend. One of my friends sent me this, which totally resonates with me. In fact, many of my friends and I have basically said the same thing to each other many times.
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