Friendship is an interesting thing.  It’s based on mutual respect and trust.  It’s something that is based in faith and belief.  There is no way to ‘prove’ that somebody is your friend.  There are plenty of times when one person thinks they are friends, and the other person thinks they are acquaintances.  Or you say ‘friends’ but don’t really mean you have depth of friendship; it is just easier than saying acquaintances.

Over the past 1 ½ years, I have had the opportunity to learn first-hand about friendship and what it really means to me.   When my dad died in September 2022, I saw who reached out, who showed up, and who really cared.  When these things happen, it’s always a surprise, as people who I think will show up don’t, and people I never imagined would show up, do.  Friendship is about showing up.  It’s about being there because you are care about the other person. 

Over the last 18 months, my life has taken many twists and turns.  There have been ups and downs, challenges, and successes.  As life has shown up, so have my real friends.  Those who I thought were friends and didn’t show up, indicated that I was wrong.  We were merely acquaintances, people with a shared interest, but not friends.  It’s been amazing to see the character of different people through this process and it has allowed me to make changes in who I want in my life and who really matters.

This week alone has had a number of instances that highlight true friendship.  A good friend of mine’s husband died 3 weeks ago.  I knew him as well and while he wasn’t in good health, nobody expected him to die when he did. I reached out when I heard and then called her yesterday to connect and talk.  Despite all that she is going through, she wanted to know about me.  We connected on a deep level and finished by telling each other “I love you’.  It’s a deep and wonderful friendship that I treasure. 

Another friend reached out because he is being interviewed for a PBS special and wanted to both tell me he is talking about me and also ask for a picture as they want one to show during the documentary.  I was blown away and humbled when he shared this with me.  We have been friends since he was an undergraduate student at The University of Florida (UF), and I was running UF Hillel.  I made sure he went to Israel as a student and served as a reference for him to do his master’s internship in Israel.  We have remained close over the past 20 years, and I let him know exactly what it meant to me that he chose to talk about me.  I’ve followed his career and been proud to call him a friend.  We check in with each other and check on each other.

I have a few friends that I speak with a few times a week and have done so for decades.  We support each other through challenging times and have been there during the good times and the bad.  Despite talking 3-4 times per week, it’s always a joy when their name pops up on my phone.  I know that I can call them and talk about anything, and they know the same about me.  When I think about how important that is, I am astounded that I have so many of them.  I always thought I’d be lucky to have one friend like that and I have half a dozen. They truly are like family.

I have my friend who is like a brother – his mom was my mom, his Aunt Jean was my Aunt Jean, my mom is his mom, and my dad was his dad.  My brother and sister are his siblings.  His wife is like my sister.  His kids call me Uncle Keith and mine call him Uncle Aric.  It’s a 35-year friendship that goes deep.  Either of us will drop anything if needed.  We have been through all of life’s challenges together. Getting married, having children, losing parents, career changes, parenthood issues, and so much more.

My friend Todd has been in my life for more than 36 years. We went through the death of his mother and two brother, my dad, both of us meeting our future wives and getting married, having and raising children, two of his kids getting married, our professional journey, and much more. We talk all the time and even have our special guys only cruise each year now to hang out without interruptions. He’s my best friend and completely dependable. We make fun of each other, have lots of incriminating stories about each other we laugh about privately, and are each other’s sounding board. I can’t imagine life without him as a key part of it. How lucky am I?

My dear friend Ron has been a sounding board and confidante for 30 years.  I was there when his wife was diagnosed with terminal cancer, I spoke to her just before she died.  When he had major surgery, I spent the day at the hospital with his family to support them and him.  He has been there for me in some of the most challenging times of my life and has been a rock when I need a calm head to process things.  A number of months ago he had a stroke.  While he is recovering, he still has aphasia so it’s very difficult to talk, a drastic change in our relationship.  We text daily and when I call and hear his voice, it brings a big smile to my face.  We have already proven to each other there is nothing we won’t do to help each other and I treasure that friendship. Our morning texts are always the best way to start the day.

My friend Harriet and I zoom or talk every week for the past 4 ½ years.  We started as part of a formal process in a program we were a part of.  We enjoyed each other’s company and insights so much we never stopped.  I know she is always just a call away for support and guidance and she knows I am there for her.  It’s amazing to have this type of friend, somebody to share personal and professional challenges, excitements, opportunities, happy times, sad times, and challenging times.  Sometimes, when things get a bit too crazy, we cut it short to 15 or 30 minutes, just to hear each other’s voice and do a quick check in.  It’s a friendship I treasure and the bonus is I got to discover her author husband and his amazing books!!

What do all of these people have in common?  When the chips were down for either of us, they were there for me, and I was there for them.  It didn’t matter what else was going on, our relationship and friendship came first.   The friendships have been through tough life experiences and proved themselves.  They have stood the test and survived and thrived.

The last 18 months have highlighted friendships, both real and imagined.  I have seen who my friends really are by their actions.  And I have learned who I thought were friends but really aren’t.  Those who didn’t show up in a time of need.  Those where the relationship did not stand the test and have not survived.  These are often sad to realize and can hurt my heart.  People who I thought I was close with.  People where we shared and provided support in the good times, absent when I faced the challenging ones. 

I have learned that life is too short to be caught up and invest time in people, careers, organizations, and other things that don’t provide value.  I’ll never forget the first time I learned this with who I thought was a friend.  I was sitting on the front porch of a camp bunk while somebody I thought was a good friend started talking bad about me.  I was stunned to hear a ‘friend’ talking behind my back this way.  It showed me that we really weren’t friends, and I chose not to invest any more time in that relationship.  It was incredibly painful but also incredibly impactful. 

Most of the time I feel like a kid.  It’s hard to reconcile thinking and feeling like I am in my 20s and really being in my mid 50s.  The realization that more of my life is behind me than ahead of me was a stark one and truly life changing.  It was also incredibly freeing as it meant that I could release the societal expectations of work, career, status, title and look at what I really value.  Family, friends, mental and physical health.  As I sit in the airport, traveling to Chicago for a family Bat Mitzvah that I might have missed in the past, I am so grateful to my friends who have showed up and been there over the last 18 months.  And I’m even grateful for the people who I thought were friends and have learned really aren’t, because they haven’t showed up.  They have given me a gift as well. 

It makes me think of the lyrics of one of my favorite songs that we used to sing when I was in BBYO, You’ve got a Friend by James Taylor.

When you’re down and troubled
And you need some lovin’ care
And nothin’, nothin’ is goin’ right
Close your eyes and think of me
And soon I will be there
To brighten up even your darkest night

You just call out my name
And you know, wherever I am
I’ll come runnin’
To see you again
Winter, spring, summer or fall
All you have to do is call
And I’ll be there
You’ve got a friend

If the sky above you
Grows dark and full of clouds
And that old north wind begins to blow
Keep your head together
And call my name out loud
Soon you’ll hear me knockin’ at your door

You just call out my name
And you know, wherever I am
I’ll come runnin’, runnin’, yeah, yeah
To see you again
Winter, spring, summer or fall
All you have to do is call
And I’ll be there, yes, I will

Now, ain’t it good to know that you’ve got a friend
When people can be so cold?
They’ll hurt you, yes, and desert you
And take your soul if you let them
Oh, but don’t you let them

You just call out my name
And you know, wherever I am
I’ll come runnin’, runnin’, yeah, yeah
To see you again
Winter, spring, summer or fall
All you have to do is call
And I’ll be there, yes, I will

You’ve got a friend
You’ve got a friend

Ain’t it good to know you’ve got a friend
Ain’t it good to know, ain’t it good to know
Ain’t it good to know
You’ve got a friend

Oh, yeah, now, you’ve got a friend
Yeah baby, you’ve got a friend
Oh, yeah, you’ve got a friend

That’s the best definition of friendship I have ever found.  Whatever the need, whatever is going on, you are always there for each other.  I’ve written a lot about morals, ethics, and values.  Friendship is all about this.  It’s all about understanding what is important and what isn’t.  My family and friends come first.  Always.  I can get another job, find a way to make money, get a different car or house.  People are indispensable.  As the song I wrote about previously said so beautifully, “You can’t get new, old friends”. 

I know who my real friends are.  Some surprised me in how they stepped up.  Some surprised me in how they didn’t.  At the end of the day, all we really have is people and time.  I have chosen to value them over everything else.  In a world dominated by money, power, prestige, titles, and divisiveness, the lesson I have learned is that it is ok to reject those as important principles and put people first.  To live an ethical life is worth more than any amount of money.  As I was talking to Harriet today on our weekly call, she commented at how nice it was that I could go to this family Bat Mitzvah and do all the things I have been doing recently.  And she was right.  The change in attitude and in understanding what is important has given me the gift of freedom that I didn’t even know I was missing. 

Friends do that for you.  Friends are the lifeblood we all need.  Real friends.  True friends.  Ones that don’t just talk the talk, but those who walk the walk.  2024 is a year all about investing in the people who show they are friends through their actions.  I’m so appreciative of those who have shown me they are my real friends and just as appreciative of those who have shown me that they are not.  Life is whole lot better when you have the right people in it. 

I’m grateful for all the right people I have in my life.  You know who you are.

What is the definition of a friend? How do you know who your real friends are? Today’s blog talks about that.